Derek stared into the darkness, trying to put together his feelings. Meredith was first and foremost in his mind. She was being weird. Weirder than usual, he mentally reassessed. She was always pretty avoid-y, but she had been way more so in the past couple of weeks, and he was becoming concerned. She seemed so stressed, and she was getting sick, he knew. Was she eating correctly?
His thoughts made an immediate segue to his patient and her family. Sarah was a very mature young lady. He had actually been in contact with her school. The only blemish on her record was her abysmal attendance. She made good grades, though there was room for improvement. Her brothers, on the other hand, were always in fights, and their grades were extremely poor.
The mother, he thought distastefully, could take a few pointers from her daughter. Jennifer Johnson was a piece of work. According to Dr. Walker, it was extremely rare for her to visit Maddie, and when she did Maddie was usually left drawn and tired.
The worst part about being Maddie's doctor was seeing the family dynamic. Trevor and Robert were angry, teenage boys and Maddie seemed to be the glue holding them all together. He didn't want to be the one to jeopardize that. Unfortunately, the tumor was making the decision for him.
"What are you thinking about?" Addison's voice suddenly cut through the silence.
"Jesus!" Derek yelped.
"Not quite," Addison said dryly, amused. She rolled over and propped herself on her elbow.
"I thought you were asleep." If his heart rate was any indication, he was pretty close to dying of fright.
"How could I sleep with you thinking so loudly?" She paused and softened her voice. "You're thinking awfully hard tonight, Derek. What's going on?"
Derek stayed quiet, wondering if he could get away with suddenly deciding he was tired. Realizing that he actually needed to talk, he decided against it. "I have a new patient. Well, she's not exactly new..." He sighed frustratedly. "I've been a consult on this case for quite a while, but I finally met her today. Madeline Johnson, age 5. Anaplastic astrocytomas, grade three. There's not really a big chance there, and I don't know..." He sighed and scrubbed at his scruffy face. He really needed to shave. "I don't know if I can save her, Addie."
Addison reached up and ran a comforting hand through his hair, ignoring his sudden tenseness. "You're her best chance, Derek. If there's anyone that could possibly do it, it's you."
"Her sister. God, Add. She's like a mini-you, I swear. She's so responsible, all the time. She's all business, but you can really see how much she cares. I think," he frowned. "I think Maddie might be the focal point of her life."
Addison warmed to hear him talk about her in a positive light. "Derek, you can't get attached. You know what that means. There may be some delicate proceedure that could save her life, and you'll want to save her the pain. You can't do this."
Derek was suddenly frustrated at her. Why couldn't she understand that he was already attached? Meredith would understand, he thought vindictively. "Have you noticed Meredith acting strange lately?" he asked suddenly.
Addison's hand immediately retracted and her guard was up. She really hated when he brought up Meredith when they were having a one-on-one talk as husband and wife. "How do you mean?" she asked cautiously.
Derek mentally congratulated and berated himself at the same time. On one hand, he still wanted to punish Addison, to hurt her as much as she hurt him. On the other, he wanted to show her that he was moving on, moving past Meredith. "I dunno. She's been really weird lately."
"I know what you mean," Addison reluctantly admitted. "She's been avoiding me--"
"Avoiding you? Really?" He couldn't help but tease her.
"More so than usual. I come her way, and she's practially mowing people down to get away. Then when we're in situations that are unavoidable, she gets spacey and flustered."
"With me too," Derek said flatly. He couldn't help his initial disappointment. The small hope that she was acting weird because of the flame she still carried for him was dashed. If she was acting the same around Addison, it probably had nothing to do with him.
"You don't think she's having some sort of psychiatric breakdown, do you?" Addison asked worriedly, choosing to ignored the obvious disappointment in his voice. It was just another shard into her already shredded heart.
Derek laughed, startled. "No," he chuckled. His amusement died down and he became serious again. "I think it has something to do with whatever she's come down with."
Addison studied the shadowed outline of his face. He had such a strong jaw, and beautiful lips. His nose worked for him, though it was a little oversized. "What do you mean?" He was such a good looking, good hearted man. Why couldn't he make room for her in that enormous heart of his?
Derek turned on his side to face his wife. "Today, she was vomiting. She's been pale and drowsy lately. I even caught her asleep in a patient's room the other day! I don't think there was a fever, but I did notice--"
Addison noticed his hesitation. "Tell me," she ordered, mentally willing him to detach. For no one's sake but her own, she willed him to be objective, at least in telling her symptoms.
"I noticed that she hasn't been eating too well, and the dark circles under her eyes are getting dark. She's not eating or sleeping, at least not very well. What if she's coming down with something serious?" He realized how passionate and worried he sounded and was glad for the cover of darkness so he didn't have to see the inevitable pain on Addison's face. It was always there when she realized he observed Meredith more than he should have.
"I'm sure she's fine," Addison said with quiet reserve. The only consolation she had these days were that he chose her, but even that wasn't enough some days. He never noticed when she tossed and turned all night and had to layer her makeup to cover her dark circles, but he noticed Meredith's eating habits.
"Yeah," Derek agreed faintly, his heart twisting. He was a horrible person. Beyond horrible. He didn't know why Addison stayed with him. He thought he was beyond hurting her, but Mark's presence nearly a month before brought back so many feelings of resentment and anger.
"Well, goodnight," Addison said after several moments of silence, turning her back on him.
Derek swallowed his feelings of resentment and hurt. He was going to try, he promised himself. He was going to make an honest go of it, and he was going to do it without needlessly hurting his wife.
Addison was surprised when Derek molded his body to hers. She welcomed it and tried, with everything in her, to ignore how tense he was. They were like to piece to a puzzle; they just fit. The hurt was locked away in a tiny box. Even as her heart broke a little at how much he had to try with her, a little hope sparked a flame of determination.
"I love you, Derek," Addison whispered into the darkness.
Derek pretended to be asleep.
And I can't believe a thing you say.
I can't believe a thing you say.
You're told that selfishness will guide your path.
What will you do when that just doesn't last?