To break is all I know Chapter 26: Tears of silence, a bleach fanfic

I do not own Bleach … :) and I do not earn any kind of money from this snippet.

This chapter has been Betaed by Szayel's Angel! Thank you very very very much!

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To break is all I know

Chapter 26: Tears of silence

"I love you …" He told me once, whispering against my ear in the middle of the night, when passion burned over us, enveloping us in its shining flames.

If I could respond to him now I would tell him that … people who love each other don't hold secrets and don't lie.

I hate you for making me like this. I hate you for what you did to me. I hate how you made me love a little harder, made me trust a little deeper, and made my life a little brighter. I hate how I have to lie to my family because I cannot tell them our secret. I hate everything.

I cannot share my emptiness. I can only stare at Ichigo, father and Yuzu and pray they won't find out.

Yet loving him was like … heaven: something I wish I had never experienced, but desire to have over and over again."

Kurosaki Karin's diary

"Long black eyelashes, dazzling smile, volcanic temperament.

Can anyone blame me for desiring her? Can anyone blame a god for looking down at a mortal with something other than superiority and disgust?

Such a strong and radiant creature deserves to be idolised by all her fellow humans, yet they could not see her as I had. They could not decipher her eyes the way I had. They just could not, so I did it for them.

It would be a lie to say I didn't care for that girl … in my own twisted way maybe I did."

Aizen Sousuke's diary

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Toshiro was frozen on the spot and, while the Supreme Captain was maintaining the drama by opening his eyes in slow-motion, Ichigo was swearing obscenities in the telephone. Only someone capable enough to decipher the mood, like Toshiro, could actually notice Kurosaki Ichigo's obvious distress. He was certainly scared out of his mind. Not for his safety, but for that of his little sister.

Suddenly the human hybrid stopped from talking and became white like marble. His hand trembled on the phone, lips being drawn in a straight line. After what seemed like an eternity he managed to whisper a husky "Karin" then his voice cracked "Karin, please get out of there."

"Stall her as much as you can" said Toshiro regaining his good sense.

Toshiro lunged into a shunpo, while Ichigo continued to convince his sister of the harm she was on the verge of receiving.

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"Oh-" a smirk found its way on his face "What a pleasure to hear you again Ryoka-boy"

It didn't come as a surprise when Ichigo began to run off at the mouth like there was no tomorrow. He had always been an impulsive child, so pretending for it to be out of the common would have been rather ridiculous.

Suddenly Karin stepped into the hall, with Tony hot on her trail.

"Samaki. What are you -" she inquired, stopping mid sentence and throwing a pointed glare at Tony.

"It's your dear Kurosaki brother. He wants to speak with you."

Tony shrugged and turned around, going back in the field's direction.

Noticing the awkward expression Aizen had plastered on his face, Karin took the phone, but her attention remained solely on her companion. Even after the phone had been transferred in her hand and the usual hello was said, she still couldn't stop something resembling fear from arising in her being.

Aizen took a seat on the bench and watched the scene half amused, half reluctant. What was about to happen in the near future was sure to change a lot of things, starting with his current location, as well as his relationship with the dark haired twin he had grown accustomed to have around. He saw her eyes widening and then making contact with his.

"Ichigo … what are you talking about? Why should I get out of here?" she raised an ironic eyebrow at Aizen "What have you told my brother Samaki that it scared him so much? I bet it was one of your bad jokes."

It took all the safe control in the world for Aizen not to shake the walls with his laughter. In the end he managed with a simple cruel chuckle.

"Okay Ichigo what is all this about?" she continued, throwing a glare at Aizen "And why are you calling me from Yuzu's phone? Don't tell me you've forgotten yours at home again. It's th-"

A heavy pause followed. Karin looked just as bored as before, eying her lover every two seconds with a desperation which said quite clearly she was not in the mood for her brother's speeches.

"No seriously Ichigo. Just say what you have to say and let me go back to my team. Contrary to your beliefs I don't have time to spare on your senseless babbling."

'I'm not babbling!' a scream could be heard from the phone.

Karin stretched her hand getting the phone far away, protecting her ear from being harmed by the corrosive sound. After the sound faded and nothing could be heard coming out of the phone, Karin dared to bring it back to its original position.

"Yeah, you're not babbling Ichi-nii. Now tell me what you want or I'm closing the phone in this instant"

A dark murmur echoed, but Aizen could not distinguish the words said, yet he had a pretty good idea of what Karin was experiencing. After all there was no way in hell Ichigo was going to let his sister remain uninformed, though he had been pretty reluctant at sharing his knowledge with her before; one of the things Aizen blamed his archenemy from not doing properly.

Because of the kido he had forced upon Karin, Aizen had been able to hear everything she had heard. A little stalkerish, but it proved to be quite efficient, especially since she was living in a Shinigami-rich environment, and it was the perfect tool for jealous lovers like himself. Still Karin remained faithful to him. In all ways; nothing surprising there.

In the back of the mind, Aizen wondered how they found out about him and Karin. After all his voice was special, but not that hard to be mistaken for another's. It was almost like Ichigo expected him to answer. No. It was like him answering had been one of the many possible options. From wherever the information had come, it was not from a citizen of Karakura; he was sure of that. At least … not alive.

His mind raced back in a distant past, eight months ago, in a bizarre night at the beginning of November. The night he had lost control over his senses and committed cold blooded murder. The night his relationship with Karin shattered beyond repair –or so he thought at that time- Yes; he remembered that night all right, with all its flaws and pleasures.

As Karin's expression changed from amazement to terror, he smirked. He surely didn't have to activate his kido in order to hear what Ichigo was telling her; he could read it right off her face. One second … two seconds of silence from both sides proved his point. She knew his identity and even knew what he had done to Karakura and Soul Society. Seeing ghosts had probably made her skeptical about what appeared on the news as explanation for the Karakura blackout.

Her eyes lost focus, withdrawing behind a curtain of pain mixed with anger. She let her emotions show, but tried to keep them in check at the same time. Watching as she fought with herself proved to be less pleasurable than expected, Aizen concluded darkly.

Barely finding the courage to respond, Karin managed to stutter a "Thanks bro"

'Karin! Don't hang up. I need y-' heard Karin before she clasped the phone shut.

Time halted its irreversible flow while everything seemed to slow down.

Her fingers clenching the phone in a death grip, his apparently relaxed posture, her eyes staring aimlessly at the wall, her soft breaths coming in and out at regular intervals of time. All portrayed a static picture of painful silence.

Neither knew how much time had passed since the phone call and neither wanted to break the awkwardness surrounding them in dense fog. Somehow Aizen dared to think she had expected this to happen. She was, after all, as spontaneous as one can be. When Kurosaki Karin was involved in an equation a classic solution couldn't solve it. Aizen knew that first hand.

Finally the phone slipped between her fingers, disintegrating in small pieces as it hit the floor. The bang resound like a thunder in the closed space, travelling down the hall then hitting the opposite wall and coming back as an echo.

The battery glided in his direction, stopping mere centimeters from his foot.

"This is so fucked up" mumbled Karin "So" she slammed her fist in the wall "fucking" slam "fucked up"

"Hm" grunted Aizen "Why so?"

Karin raised her eyes, confusing his senses with her dark glare. Her lips curled up subtly.

"How should I know Aizen Sousuke-sama? You are the smart one aren't you?"

He didn't answer, just studied her angular features, thinking of the effect the news had on her. Either she was in shock and unable to process the mess she was into, or she was hiding it like a professional liar. Judging her blurry eyes he deduced it was the second choice.

"Yes. I am." He smirked and she cringed.

Pain slipped through her shell, spreading over her face, cracking the last drop of self control she had left. She was as strong as always, keeping it bottled up inside, but this time she could not do it properly.

She just wanted to sink on her knees and cry her eyes, her heart out and never rise from there ever again. All she desired in that moment was to sleep for a while and forget all her memories in a corner like there was no tomorrow; like today was just an anonymous day from a multitude of weeks, months, years, decades … centuries. Yet she knew that spilling even one tear could throw her on her knees at his feet and that … she could not do. Neither her pride, nor the little faith she had left in herself could let her precious pride take such a painful blow.

Sometimes Aizen wondered if the only thing keeping Karin straight up was the undying hope in her pride.

"Now I'm getting jealous." interrupted Aizen, approaching her like a predator "Who's good enough to hold your attention for so long" he kissed her earlobe "I hope you're thinking of me right now, or I'll be really mad and I don't think either of us wants that to happen, do we?" His hands found her tiny waist and began to massage her hips.

He pushed her against the wall, not roughly, but demanding her attention, when someone landed behind him and a sword appeared at his throat. Karin couldn't even blink before the body once obstructing her freedom fell on the ground like a rock … right at her feet.

She felt something sticky dripping from her hair. Her hand shot up and she took a sample from the strange substance between her thumb and the middle finger. The watery red liquid, with a slightly iron odor reminded Karin of her father's clinic; the smell recalled of the days spent on the soccer field wrapping wounds in dirty old sheets she had snuck out the house. Her breath became erratic as realization hit. Blood. It was red fresh, wet blood painting her face in a crimson shade. The blood of her lover who's neck had been sliced in front of her.

"Karin! Are you okay?" asked someone slightly familiar. She soon recognized Matsumoto's big rack cutting off her air supply.

She didn't struggle. Just stood there and took it all in silence. How could she say anything, with all that blood over her face making her dizzy with nausea.

"Karin? Did he try to do something to you?" continued Matsumoto to calmly inquire Karin.

The girl was in shock. She wanted to scream in pain, but her lips were shut tight in a straight line. How could she be okay? She had just witnessed a crime. How could anyone be okay after something as traumatizing as seeing someone die in front of your eyes and staying there frozen like a useless piece of junk?

Matsumoto twisted her face in a frown and grabbed Karin's right hand, then dragged her towards the exit.

"Thank you Lieutenant Matsumoto." echoed a voice from above "I was waiting for someone to get me out of that vicious body, but I must confess I didn't expect someone as weak as you to be able to do it for me. I presume you will do just fine."

Karin didn't dare to look above, fearing she will see his blood stained face. Then suddenly Matsumoto's grip on her wrist loosened then disappeared completely. She heard a slash, something resembling the sound of a butcher's knife cutting trough a cow's fresh meat. A soft cry reached her ears, before a thud made her turn around.

The sight welcoming her turned her stomach upside down. She clutched her belly.

It was Matsumoto, spread on the floor blood dripping from her sliced back and further back it was Aizen staring into space with his neck cut open.

Karin stared mesmerized at the body once belonging to her lover. She knew that body like the back of her hand yet she had never dared to venture closer to its kernel. She had never thought it would be necessary to go that far to know him, to be with him, to love him, just a superficial inspection was supposed to be enough.

A cold palm touched her neck from behind, spiking against her skin. No matter who was behind her, Karin was sure of one thing: it was very strong, stronger than any Shinigami she had ever met. A mysterious energy spiked against her own in a threatening manner asserting her of its supremacy.

"What are you thinking Karin?" a well-known deep voice echoed against the shell of her ear.

There was no way she could ever forget that smooth, yet frightening voice. She had heard it thousands of times before and her heart had hoped she would hear it from here on, but due to the recent events there was a small chance of escaping from this mess just a little ravished or even alive.

"Cat ate your tongue?" asked Aizen, before grabbing her neck and turning her around to face him.

What he saw in those eyes, unnerved him like nothing ever did. He had expected fear, hate, tears, anger maybe, something a human should feel under the weight of such horrible news, but in her eyes only disappointment was reflected and nothing else. It reminded him of the first time they had that altercation in the computer science laboratory. It reminded him of how unconventional she was, it reminded him why he saw her as an equal even with the difference to their age, experience, knowledge, power, reiatsu; he was clearly above her. It reminded him why she had fascinated him, and why it will continue to for as long as he existed.

"You are … old" said the girl calmly, almost like nothing had happened, mask back in place.

He won't break her, even if he was the one responsible for doing that to Matsumoto, who was after all a lieutenant of Gotei 13, the elite of Soul Society.

However, when his nails dug in the soft skin of her neck, just above a love sign he had left the previous day, Karin's eyes flinched in anger.

"What do you want from me?" her voice cracking with every word escaping from her lips "You want me to cry in anguish, you want me to beg for you to stay? You want to hear me screaming at the sky for this to be a dream?" his eyes remained impassive, studying her reactions with cold control "It's a fucking nightmare, but I know it's real. I knew it all along, but I just didn't want to admit it."

Aizen seemed to reflect for a moment and then hastily move his other hand at the back of her neck, urging her to come closer to him. Being taken by surprise Karin braced herself against his hips, stopping her body, but not before Aizen leaned forward and kissed her forehead gently.

The situation seemed to have come out of a bad-written story and was rather ridiculous, yet Karin felt her insides melting in a puddle at his romantic gesture. Maybe all that happened in the last 2 minutes was a joke; her brother played a prank on her for not telling him of her affair with the red-headed hunk. Karin wanted to believe that with desperation. But then again Matsumoto coming there and destroying his material body, forcing him outside of it, then being punished by his sword must had been her imagination. And she knew her imagination was not that realistic in painting details.

"What could I possibly want from you, Kurosaki? Hm?" his lips following the trail of her cheek "I wonder …."

Karin's thoughts faltered. She raised her hand to slap him across the face like he deserved, but soon realized she was unable to move. Her muscles seemed to be paralyzed, controlled by an unknown force.

Aizen grabbed her chin and forced his lips on hers.

She whimpered, incapable to resist him, yet unable to move. Her body was shutting down, while her mind froze up.

'Move' she commanded mentally to her unresponsive senses 'Jesus Christ move you damn material thing' he caught her bottom lip between his and began to lick it 'Arghhh' she felt like screaming 'Get away fr-'

"Get away from her" commanded a voice harsh definitely belonging to a woman she had previously met; Karin just couldn't make a connection between a face and the voice she had just heard

"Let her go this instant" the voice repeated coolly.

Karin rolled her iris at the corner of her eyes.

At the same time Aizen let her go from his grip and faced a young girl with black hair tied in a bun at the back of the head. Her shaking hands were gripping the red hilt of a slender sword, but her eyes burned with hidden rage and pain. Karin could easily deduce the trembling didn't come from fear but from sheer anticipation.

"Well. This is rather surprising Hinamori-kun" he took a step forward, his sword still sheltered.

The girl didn't answer, settling to frown, her eyes sharp like the edge of the sword she was pointing at her enemy.

Malice glittered in Aizen's eyes and Karin saw it, clearly like the morning sky. Trying to move proved to be useless as her body remained rigid against her better wishes. Her reiatsu spiked, praying someone will sense it, preferably someone strong enough to defeat the madman. She watched helplessly while Toshiro's sister prepared for battle.

Hinamori ventured forward, but her weapon struck air. She spun around, yet something unexpected happened; her sword came in contact with something soft.

"Wha-" mumbled Momo, her eyes mirroring a mixture of anger and confusing pain "How?"

Aizen's fingers, now positioned on her blade, encircled the cold metal. It didn't take more than 2 seconds for the sword to crack from one side to the other and another 3 seconds to break in his palm like it was bread paste.

Hinamori looked as stunned as Karin felt, but she didn't have enough time to blink as Aizen's sword slashed the woman across the chest. Unlike Matsumoto, she didn't let any sound escape, probably trying to show braveness or maybe being too shocked to react; she just collapsed at Aizen's feet in total silence.

For the third time that evening, Karin experienced the total helplessness of a human being. She couldn't believe her eyes. With all the stories she had heard from her brother about how powerful and evil Aizen was, she still couldn't put an equal sign between him and her lover.

She was snapped out of her thoughts by Aizen's steps, coming closer and closer. For some unknown reason, Karin was neither afraid nor angry. No. What she felt was actually akin to disappointment, yet held a subtle shade of lust.

Just standing there and studying everything like it was as normal as the sun rising from East gave him a peculiar tint of overconfident beauty; a cruel beauty, but beauty nonetheless. He was after all the perfect image of impertinence, power and merciless desire for more, but had that inhuman perfection only he could master. Seeing him in his Spirit Form gave Karin the annoying impression of watching, not a human being, not a Shinigami and definitely not a Hollow, but someone transcending all she had known. It was what people called Gods.

Her eyes widened in amazement. It all came down on her like the pure water washing away the dirt and leaving behind a clear image; Aizen's behavior, his eyes, the repeated refusal of meeting her family, the choice of keeping Yuzu close by and finally, her … her being her lover. She cursed herself for not deducting all this earlier, when her brother screamed atrocities at her for not being more understanding. Maybe she would have looked less like a fool in front of Aizen.

"Hm. How much are you going to keep daydreaming in my presence?" remarked Aizen coolly, yet his tone swayed between amusement and anger.

"You've always had the most despicable temper." stated Karin just as calmly, ignoring his previous question "But at least now I know why."

Her eyes rested on the pools of blood spreading around the two barely conscious Shinigami; Momo's eyes made contact with hers for a brief second, then she fainted, her eyes becoming two voids of a black sea.

"So what happens now? We wait for Ichigo to come and then make a drama scene of how you've betrayed me and how much I hate you? I think we both know this ain't my style." Aizen raised an eyebrow, but agreed with a nod "Or maybe you'll stab me right here right now and never bother with me ever again."

"That's an idea" he smirked.

His index finger caressed her cheek, carefully going up and down in a slow motion. Suddenly his eye snapped up, peering at the sky.

"I'll go now. No matter how much I want to meet your brother and show him the true meaning of kneeling in front of a God, I'll have to say pass for now."

Karin didn't say anything, just glared viciously.

"Goodbye Karin" he pressed a soft kiss on her temple in one last romantic gesture; though a redundant one "It was fun while it lasted."

This time Karin didn't plan on censoring her vocabulary, but when she was on the verge of presenting her whole swearing artillery, something sharp hit her at the back of the head releasing a loud scream from her mouth. Her eyes rolled in the back of her head and her vision blurred slowly. It came to her that these might be her last couple of second, but blacked out even before she hit the ground.

When Toshiro arrived at the scene he found the massacre left behind be Aizen.

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"Karin" a rich voice whispered in Karin's ear "Karin" he repeated, this time holding a dark intent and somewhat deeper "You need to wake up. Though it's definitely not the right time to see me" her eyelids fluttered and the smooth surface of a palm descended upon her eyes, covering them "I'm confident you will become strong enough, but right now you need to heal your wounds. You'll get over this." Burning lips pressed against her cheek "Be strong Karin; be strong for your god, be courageous for me."

Karin's eyes snapped open, but it was too late. The voice was gone along with the sensation of protection it left on her skin. Taking deep breaths, she managed to calm her nerves and observe her surroundings.

On a table, situated near her bed, was a bluish vase with a fully bloomed white rose in it. An aqua colored ribbon was wrapped around it and Karin wandered who left it there. Though the plant was the most beautiful specimen she had ever seen, the sheer presence of that flower left Karin with a bitter taste hanging in her mouth. Not only because it reminded her of Aizen, albeit that was one of the reasons, but also because of what it represented: pureness and love. Two of the things she did not have to give. She had stopped being pure when she decided to share a bed with Aizen and her love was lost forever, for any man.

Something pinched her neck. She managed to move a hand and check it out. There was nothing there, no wound, no bandage, just skin. Yet she could still feel the cold blade slicing her skin; somehow she knew something had definitely been there.

Then she hugged her legs and let her chin rest on them, heavy eyelids sheltering pain-filled eyes.

The white walls and metallic bed, as well as the annoying odor of chlorine made her cringe in disgust. How she hated hospitals …

"Karin" Yuzu slammed the door open and dashed in like a hurricane "Karin! Are you okay?"

"Yeah" she gave her answer in a low whisper.

Yuzu smiled brightly "I was so afraid! After you've blacked out Ichi-nii brought you here fearing you had a contusion or something, but doctor Ishida said you had no injury apart from a small bruise on your knee from your soccer game."

Karin smiled back at her, hiding every last drop of suffering she felt "I'm okay Yuzu. I just need a moment to rest."

Yuzu nodded. "I know" a shadow covered her eyes "Papa told me Aizen had this fancy almost undetectable kido put on us, but that tall black haired Shinigami removed it"

"Byakuya?"

"Yes. Mr. Kuchiki-san"

Karin unwrapped her hands from around her legs and let the upper part of her body fall back on the bed.

"Yuzu …" the girl raised her head "I'll go to sleep now if you don't mind."

"Of course not" Yuzu gave a soft smile, patting her shoulder "I'll sneak in chocolate next time I come, 'cause I know how much you love it."

"Thanks sis. You know me so well …"

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Yuzu visited her the next day and so did her father and Ichigo. Toshiro came only once, bringing with him a beautiful daisy. Nobody asked her anything and for once she was glad they were smoothing her in their care. It didn't make her uncomfortable like it did in the past; actually it left her warm and fuzzy inside to know she had someone who really cared for. She needed that so desperately.

During the day the situation was bearable, with Ichigo and Yuzu as company nothing could make her sad, but at night memories came back rushing inside her brain. The first night she managed to keep her courage in check and didn't cry, just moaned in the pillow like a 5 year old that had lost her favorite toy. But the following night the situation got worse and tears leaked at the corner of her eyes. Still, with all that pain, the only thing she could think of was how she thanked god she was in the hospital where nobody could see her crying.

However she was soon discharged by Ishida's father and came back to her house.

The nightmare continued to follow her even after her recuperation.

A long, painful week had passed since the dreadful experience and Karin still thought at least twice a day of what would have happened if Aizen had been an actual human being. A flesh and blood creature, walking, talking, feeling, dying … She found it rather ironic that from all the places for Aizen to leave her, it happened to be a near a soccer field. Where it started, it also ended.

Thankfully nobody inquired upon what happened between her and Aizen, though she was sure Momo had told them what she'd witnessed that cursed morning. She thanked all the Gods they didn't question her because there was no way in hell her façade was strong enough to resist an interrogatory. What she didn't know was that neither Matsumoto, nor Momo had woken up from their extensive injuries.

'Goodbye Karin. It had been fun'

He said like everything had been fun, just fun. It hurt like nothing did. It rammed her from inside out. It shattered her hope, her life, her love.

One night, when tears wouldn't stop falling, she hid herself in the bathroom and laid on the floor, kissing it with her cheek. The ring he gave her was burning on her finger, being a constant reminder of what it had been and could have been.

ALYK the acronym for Aizen loves you Karin. What a joke. What a lie.

"I loved you, you son of the bitch" she cried into the carpet, muffling her voice fearing her family will hear "and now I-I can't feel anything; anything at all."

'I'm empty'

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Omake (Karin at a Bleach press conference):

"Karin-san" asked a random reporter "What do you think about Aizen-sama's curl?"

"Aizen has a curl?" responded the girl, as she goggled at the young woman "I had no idea. Do you happen to have a photo?"

The woman dug into the little bag she carried hanged by her shoulder. After a while, she found a piece of paper folded in two. When Karin made a sudden gesture of impatience, the woman handed the paper to her, keeping a wide distance between her and the black haired Kurosaki.

"I think all keep it" said the girl, after checking out the tall figure represented in the picture.

"What for?"

Smirking like a devil, Karin fluttered the white hand holding the photo before the spectators, earning a strange look from them.

"Blackmail" she confirmed.

"I should have known" mumbled the woman.

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Seriously all this melodrama screamed for an omake.

I've just realized I wrote the first part from Karin's pov, but seeing the action through her eyes was maintaining the drama better than a simple stating of facts (Since half of the time she had no idea what was really happening)

So … I have a part-time job and projects/tests/exams at school and … LIFE. So sorry for the awfully written chapter, but seriously I barely have time to breath. I will apologize to the ones I didn't get to reply to. I loved all the reviews.

Very important (zellie15 gave me this idea) However wants to help me (that means writing lemon mini-drafts) with my future Airin lemon, can send a message containing it to my account. For those of you who don't have a FF account, I've posted a link on my profile (of my tumblr account) where you can send me anonymous messages. What I'm really asking is for you to help me write it. As I said I'm no pro at writing sexual intercourse, so any kind of help is welcomed.