I do not own Bleach … :) and I do not earn any kind of money from this snippet.
This chapter has been betaed by Szayels Angel
And the new cover belongs to KureaRinyu37furansu
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To break is all I know
Chapter 30: A silent cry
"When I think about Karin's behavior it all becomes so clear. The first sign was when she said she'll be at a friends for a study session. The second was one week later, when she skipped classes for a whole day. And the third was when she spent an hour looking out through the window at gods know what. I should have known there was something wrong with her. If only she wouldn't have been secretive with me, maybe this … would have never happened, or our brother would have realized sooner that the one I and Karin loved was Soul Society's number one enemy.
From the start I had felt that fraternal twins had to know everything about each other, but when had the bond between us shattered? I guess it was all so gradual I had failed to notice. Just as I failed to notice my sister maturing from a tomboy into a gorgeous woman. Where had I been when all these changes occurred?
Where had I been when everything I had known changed so drastically?
Why can't I be little again … without a care in the world. Just me, Karin, dad, mom and Ichigo; a picnic in the park under the sakura trees, enjoying each other's company and playing in the grass as mom and dad laughed.
It was so simple back then …"
Kurosaki Yuzu's diary
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Toshiro didn't move as the Captains exited the building one by one.
Surprisingly there was little chatter after the Kurosaki siblings left. It seemed like everything they were supposed to discuss had evaporated into thin air. Unfortunately, Captain Commander had forced them through urgent matters, as he called them, but none were in the mood to listen to paperwork related issues. Not after the scandal related to Aizen's so called mistress which, in the end, proved to be true.
Therefore Toshiro decided to stay a little longer and inquire The Commander of the events and decisions previously decided.
"Captain Hitsugaya?" asked Yamamoto, after the others had left.
"May I speak freely sir?"
The older man stroked his beard, thinking whether to give the younger captain the approval to ask what he desired to ask "You may"
"Why didn't you push Karin a little bit more. I must confess I expected you to convict her to prison for life, not let her walk away like she did nothing wrong."
"Do you think she did something so dreadful that she would deserve my punishment?"
It took a moment longer to answer and the old Shinigami noticed Toshiro's almost unnoticeable hesitation.
"No"
"You obviously do Captain." stated the Commander calmly "It's quite clear you do not understand your friend's feelings. She had been through a lot and judging that Aizen had managed to make a fool out of me so many times, as I previously said, it would have been a … hypocrisy to convict her of something I am equally guilty. And the same rule applies to you Captain. You, who had trusted Aizen with your sister's life and been so unmistakably wrong, should know better than anyone else how deceiving Aizen can be as a person."
For a moment Toshiro was inclined to open his mouth and build a smart comeback which could shatter away the old man's reasoning, but nothing came in his mind. He was so angry that even to defend himself seemed pointless. After all it was the second time Aizen chose one of his dear friends to mess with. Sometimes he wondered if he was doing it on purpose.
"Do not judge a child whose only guilt is the one of being too trusting of people." finished Yamamoto his speech. By the way he said it, Toshiro could only interpret it as a scolding and, for some reason, it made his feel like a child caught with the hand in the cookie jar.
"Why do you think Aizen chose her? I must confess I thought his type was more like the other twin." he continued to ask, hoping the annoying feeling of helplessness would dispel into thin air. It clearly didn't work.
"This is something I fail to understand, but Ichimaru said he might have preferred the hunt over the prey and I'm inclined to believe his words." Yamamoto's tone faltered at the end, sign of a lie.
"So Karin was just a sport?" inquired Toshiro, hungry for details.
"Basically"
"I don't think that is your honest opinion Sir."
Yamamoto closed his eyes and grumbled darkly "Maybe it isn't, but that doesn't change the facts."
Without faltering Toshiro asked "Then what's your true opinion?"
"That you should be dismissed, Captain Hitsugaya."
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"I cannot believe she did something like that!" screamed Renji at his companions, each enjoying a bottle of sake "It's Karin we are talking about! Ichigo's little feminine personality clone. It's as unbelievable as Ichigo betraying us and joining the Espada."
"You heard her" stated Yumichika calmly "She practically confessed. Though it is highly unlikely she had been lying, I still find it strange for Aizen to actually copulate with someone, woman or man."
"I really ain't in the mood to think of that! The mental images are killing me Yumichika" exclaimed Ikkaku at his buddy, taking a huge gulp of alcohol from his cup "Only a whore would throw herself in bed with a man she barely knew. Don't care how much you defend that Kurosaki creature; my opinion is settled." He slammed the bottle unceremoniously in front of Renji, who took it and proceed to drain the last drops of alcohol.
Yumichika clicked his tongue disapprovingly at his friend's rushed opinions. As it happened in the Captain's meeting everyone chose a side and stuck with it in an argumentative discussion. And he was alone on the girl's side. It gave him an annoying feeling of helplessness and maybe a little bit of disappointment at the other's inattentiveness. They were too busy judging some poor child to see their own flawed judgment.
After all Karin had been an innocent victim just like Hinamori, Kira and Hisagi. She had been a mere puppet in the unbeautiful game of power and influence. And just like the three lieutenants she had been used and made a fool of.
"I agree she is not a saint, but let's be honest: Aizen Sosuke is the perfect alpha male." He replied while taking another shot of sake.
"An Alpha male that likes to stab people, especially women" Mumbled Renji begrudgingly.
"…" Rukia, who was stationed between Renji and Yumichika seemed to disagree "I know Karin since she was 11. I cannot think she would do that for no reason"
"Yet she never told to anyone she was doing him" Concurred Yumichika "from shame maybe. She's quite young and to be with a guy at this age, especially one that has a number of years on you …"
"Almost 300" Laughed Ikkaku "talk about robbing the cradle"
"or the grave" Joked Yumichika.
"You don't know her like I and Renji do!" Rukia exclaimed angrily "She's not the secretive type, she just … hides her feeling pretty well."
"I don't need to know her to see she's one tough bitch" Said Yumichika calmly "and I don't need to see her emotions to understand how much she loved that man."
Everybody watched Yumichika in awe. He had always been the gossip type, but for him to half praise a woman was something nobody had seen him doing. Except with Matsumoto, but she was beautiful and perfect (as he liked to remind Ikkaku daily).
"She is tough, I guess" Said Hisagi, who had been silent till then "but I think we all give her too much credit. She's a girl who slept with the wrong guy. It happens. I think we're making a big deal out of something that is fairly simple."
Rukia nodded and proceeded to empty her glass. As much as she liked to contradict Hisagi and all the others, somewhere inside she knew they were right. After all Karin had other issues apart from having Aizen as an ex-boyfriend. She had Yuzu as the cheated sister, an unknowing father and a very angry brother. If she was feeling something towards the girl, it was pity. Pity for being blessed with such a strong personality, for being a sustaining pillar for an already shaky family and being … too proud to lay her affairs in front of her siblings.
She glanced at her read headed companion, wondering whether Karin was a little bit like her or whether she was just an entirely different person. Rukia knew she had hidden some of her own problems–especially the ones starting with Ichi and ending with go- from her adoptive brother, and her family dynamics weren't always so wonderfully perfect, but …
She shook her head. She was just as helpless as Karin when the opposite sex involved; still to love someone like Aizen was beyond Rukia's area of understanding.
Had Karin really loved Aizen that much, or was it just some not so innocent fun she had with him? She released a sigh, realizing she might never find out the answer to that particular question. And in the end, she didn't mind if she never did.
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All that Karin could remember on her way back was a black chaos, the blurry image of a worm-like creature chasing them. While everybody was screaming and pushing her forward (for a moment all the animosity forgotten) Karin's emotions were having some kind of seizure. Neither fear, nor pain; neither melancholy nor anger. All that she felt was a void, a void full of nothing.
Neither a feeling nor even the tiniest bit of expression crossed over her face the entire time. Just like an obedient rock she followed her siblings wherever they desired to go. The two shinigami that were accompanying them to the exit were throwing unfriendly looks at her from time to time, but when they saw no reaction came out of it they gave up and decided to ogle the beautiful twin instead.
When they got out, and the Japanese-styled gates closed behind them, the nerves and annoyingness was back. Her sister wasn't looking at her and Ichigo was even worse than his usual self.
She was still keeping her tears in check, but nothing could stop her lips from trembling. She had to be strong. She had to ignore it all. Her hands came around her body, keeping the cold away from her damp clothes. Why were her clothes wet, she wondered. Was it from being chased by that worm? A huff of hot air left her mouth and only then she realized it was a cold night of September. Had so much time passed since they left the human world? Half a day?
On her other side Yuzu did the same thing, hugging herself, protecting her body from the cold night.
It was almost ironic how the world chose to mimic Karin's disposition.
"It's cold" Mumbled the blonde twin.
Ichigo barely registered the statement. He was staring into the nothingness laid before his eyes. It was dark and cold and all seemed to be submerge into an abnormal silence.
"Hey guys!" Screamed Jinta "How did the discussion go? I bet …" his voice cracked when the Kurosaki siblings stepped out and their face came in view. Whatever Jinta planned to say didn't come out, frozen into his throat. He stepped aside letting the shop's owner, Urahara, and his mistress, Yoruichi, come closer.
"What happened to you Karin?" Asked Yoruichi, eyeing the black haired girl strangely "your face is kind of funny"
Urahara's mood, on the other hand, was quite the opposite from Yoruichi's. Leave it to the science genius to read the situation and interpret it properly.
"I heard what happened in Soul Society," He was clearly trying not to stare at Karin; actually he was ignoring her presence completely "and I am quite surprised of what the inquiries had dug up" the eyes concealed behind the shadows were suddenly on Karin and, white she was very aware of the disgust oozing from him, she was doing all humanly possible not to spit in his face.
"Yeah" mumbled Ichigo avoiding to look at Karin as well "It surprised us all, to some extent."
Yoruichi seemed to be totally out of it "I don't get it. What happened that bad in Soul Society"
Urahara grabbed her elbow gently and guided her toward the shop, with the two curious subalterns hot on his heels.
Ichigo looked after them as they entered the shop and then, as the curious red headed Jinta followed after.
"Let's go home" stated Yuzu plainly, weariness obvious in her voice. Whether it was from being tired or disgusted with the situation they didn't know.
Ichigo nodded and slowly walked towards their house. It was a long walk, the longest Karin had ever had. The pressure of it all and the judging gazes of her brother and sister almost made her burst into tears right there, but she didn't. With all her might, Karin kept her tears in check as her nails dug into the soft skin of her palms. She could feel blood spilling between her nails from the deep cuts left into the fragile skin. She preferred pain over the void left into her heart; she wanted to feel something: anger, pain, just anything that could remind her she was alive, a living human being.
Slam, slam, slam was the sound made by their boots colliding with the damp pavement. It had probably been raining all day and only a couple of minutes before their coming it had stopped. Karin watched her reflection in a puddle and, almost, jumped back, holding up a shriek, when she saw the pitiful image before her eyes.
Long black hair curling over her shoulders at odd angles, making her mane look more like a haystack than a proper hairline. Eyes so empty and cold she could freeze herself to death just by staring into the reflection and the worst of all the big shirt hanging on her. It made her look like a homeless girl and plus the lack of an expression didn't really help. Where were the strong eyes Aizen said he adored so much?
All too soon, the clinic came into view. The girl didn't want to step into the house. She didn't want to face her jovial dad. Seeing Ichigo and Yuzu's disappointment was one thing, but very few knew how much Karin appreciated her lousy father; very few knew that seeing him act like Ichigo, was somewhat destructive for her.
Although her reticence hit the maximum level, she followed her siblings through the door and into the house.
"Welcome home Ichogooooooo" Screamed Isshin, attacking his son just as his foot stepped into the house.
"Dad" came Ichigo's dark voice. It took no time for the goofy father to shake his humorous side away, leaving behind a serious expression "We need to talk."
"What happened?" replayed the man dryly.
His eyes rolled towards Yuzu, who was clearly lost in her own little pink-shaded world, then onto his other daughter, whose face was cold as a block of ice. Soul Society was a scary place indeed, but there was absolutely nothing there that could make his twins act like that. And Ichigo's whole appearance was right damn creepy.
Karin suddenly opened her mouth only for her words to freeze the room with their unnatural coldness.
"Spare me Ichigo of the shame," She sneered the word out with all the repulsion she could muster at that moment "and disgrace of having a family talk."
It took only two second for Isshin to realize what had happened as the sound of skin hitting skin reached his ears. Ichigo had slapped Karin across the cheek, her head spinning 90 degrees and a red mark slowly coloring the abused skin. He barely had time to take it all in, because Karin turned her eyes towards Ichigo, piercing him with a murderous stare. She took a cautious step towards her brother, continuing to watch him like a killer, and her next words made his blood freeze in his veins.
"Touch me again Ichigo and I promise pain will be the only thing you'll be able to feel from now on"
"How dare you talk to me like that." he raised his hand again, hoping Karin would step back and show fear, or at least cringe, but she did neither of those things.
She continued to watch him, daring him to slap her again, daring him to submerge deeper into his own hypocrisy, daring him to sentence himself to a world of pain. In that moment, she was fearless, she was like an angry tigress hoping someone might willingly become her source of food. In that moment she could move mountains with her force; she was capable of doing anything without caring for repercussions, because … she was empty; she was void; she had lost everything: her first crush, her mentor, her innocence, her lover, and now she was gradually watching as she was losing her family one by one.
If they were so disgusted with her, why didn't they just kill her. It would make things easier for both sides.
Ichigo slowly let the hand back at his side and stepped back, scared of what he was seeing in her dark eyes. Then moved his focus on Isshin.
"She was with Aizen" explained Ichigo "She was the one fucking him like a fucking …"
Karin didn't want to listen to her brother's words. She turned around, got out through the door, and disappeared into the night, not looking back to see her father's concerned eyes. Nothing could ever heal the spot left in her heart by her brother's harsh and undeserving words.
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Silence.
Painful silence reeked over the graveyard.
There was not even a creepy owl to make the atmosphere seem a little less macabre, or at least bless the surrounding nature with a sound. Yet nothing changed. All that could be heard at that hour … was silence.
Karin, sprawled in front of her mother's grave, watched the stars above. There was nothing she could do. As vulnerable as she had been as a child, she had thought growing up would make her stronger; would make her wiser, would make her see the truth more clearly. It did none of those things. Instead it fucked her right in the ass.
Silence was all she could feel. Empty … painful … silence.
She grabbed the material covering her chest right above her heart and squeezed her eyes shut under the numbness threatening to overcome her senses.
"It hurts mom" she whispered, biting her bottom lip, hoping the pain of tasting her own blood would shush away the ache of her fragile heart "It hurts so much"
Tears leaked at the corner of her eyes and she turned around, facing the cold earth "I wanna die so badly. I just wanna …" her nails dug into the ground, like trying to dig a hole in which she could hide from the judging eyes of the world. Her one grave laying under her, the only place she could find peace.
Her eyes began to water and she desperately tried to dig into the earth with her bare hands. It didn't take long for her hands to go numb and blood to spill from the nails. She didn't care as she continued to bury her hands in the rock hard soil and cry at the same time. Her vision got blurry and she thought she heard a cracking sound as one of the nails split in two under the pressure. Only then did she stop from digging, watching as blood covered her hand.
Pain. She felt pain. For the first time pain felt good. Because it gave her hope; hope that she could feel again.
She managed to climb up out of the hole she had dug up and slowly watched back at it from its side. How could she create such a void in the earth only with her nails. Was her desperation that great? It clearly was.
Then two strong arms enveloped her in their protective embrace.
"I'm here Karin" He whispered sensually.
His voice so real. Was it a dream? she wondered. But as his lips found hers, she realized she did not care at that moment. Hidden by the dark, their love blossomed right there into something neither was sure, but neither care.
Clothes were thrown on the marble pedestals and soon Karin found herself on a patch of grass on her back, just between two graves. It didn't occur to her how wrong and macabre it all was, drunk with adrenaline and pleasure the head between her legs was spreading into her belly. Her back arched as she felt all the pain she had previously felt melt away due to his skilful hands, or more like skilful mouth. That mouth and those divinely log fingers should have been banned from anywhere near her body a long time ago.
Then, as he gripped her tights and dragged her under him, Karin finally saw his white features under the pale moon. If till then his face had been hidden away by her body parts, now she could clearly see all of his face, his expression, the deep hunger reflected in his eyes and the lust only she could draw from him. She rested her palms on his red cheeks and admired his perfectly shaped face. He was beautiful and he was hers. Hers alone, even in a dream like this she was allowed to think of him as hers and only hers.
She continued to think he was an illusion until the moment he merged with her, then reality hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Stop" she ordered trying to pry him away from her, but his hands dug deeper into her backside pushing him further into her.
"Karin" he whispered into her ear "I want you again" he retreated all the way, and then pushed right in roughly "and again" he repeated the motion even faster "and again". Every push accompanied by his harsh words, every movement sending Karin closer and closer to the edge of abyss.
"No!" she struggled against him "Stop! Don't! I don't want …" but a barely suppressed moan ripped from somewhere inside her throat, betraying her true lust "Gah!"
She grabbed him from around the neck, crushing her lips against his desperately searching for release. She knew he was close, after all those crazy nights spend together she knew every movement, every rhythm he was capable off, yet the desperation she felt from him in that moment was unearthly. He was an unearthly creature by nature, but just that time he was revealing his human side to her, just like she always hoped he would.
Too bad it was all a dream …
She opened her eyes, but the only thing awaiting her was the sky of stars shining above her. Her body ached all over, but her clothes were in their right place and nothing around could betray that something romantic had taken place there. Even the patch of grass they had rolled onto looked to be undisturbed. She rolled onto her side and stiffed at the uncomfortable sensation between her legs.
"I cannot believe I had a wet dream … In a cemetery." She stared back at the sky and began to laugh with all her heart "I am such a pathetic creature" Her laughter didn't cease from blessing the silence and she continued to laugh until the sun raised from the ground and light enveloped her.
She closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth of the autumn rays.
'I will never leave you Karin, even after everyone had abandoned you' whispered the same voice present in her dreams. 'I am you and you are me … we are one. The fire and the sun.'
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Aizen snapped his eyes opened and threw the sheets aside. Raspy breaths escaped his mouth as he tried to calm himself.
When his feet touched the cold ground, a sting of pleasure crossed his spine. How horny can one be to have a wet dream? Then he looked down and realized that no matter how turned on he felt from having a vivid wet dream he was not hard; at least not yet. One would think such a dream would make him burst with pleasure, literally, yet no spec of dirt was present on his clothes. His eyes darted towards the little blue rock emerging from his chest.
He wondered if the dreams weren't actually something the Hogyoku has seen necessary to happen.
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Another agonizingly long month had passed since the day her family found out about her carnal relationship with Aizen.
The third year of high school had started just two days after the event in Soul Society. Half of her soccer teammates had graduated the previous year and due to her well-known reputation nobody joined the team, therefore it was disbanded soon after the beginning of the semester. The team which had brought so many national trophies to Karakura High School was left to rot and its members distributed to other sport teams.
Karin ,however, didn't want to try another sport and as much as her coach insisted she could be an asset for the basketball team, she declined it politely. Soccer was the sport she loved with passion and there was no way she could ever play another game with as much fervor as soccer. And plus soccer was something bittersweet. What was her team without her favorite goalkeeper?
Apart from abandoning her team nothing had really changed around Karin. Her class was the same, her colleagues were as infuriating as ever, but her heart continued to ache for human companionship. The spot left by Aizen had never been replaced by anyone. True, she had tried dating another guy, one year her senior, but two minutes with him convinced her he was a total dumb ass loser that made Jinta look intelligent. As for her life at home, it was almost nonexistent.
She was leaving the house at 7 AM, before Yuzu or Isshin woke up and after school she was spending her time in the park, on a bench reading for her tests and doing her homework and after that training her speed on a secluded part of the park, where she wouldn't be in anyone's way. And when she came back at 11 PM they were all asleep. She liked it that way. It made things easier for her and for them as well.
If Yoruichi and Urahara ever felt her reiatsu, they didn't come to investigate it. Though Yoruichi had been quite clear when she said she was in no need of a lying student. Karin understood her, a reason why she never sought her help afterwards. Though her reiatsu didn't increase, Karin began to have a better hold on it, at least speed related. She could now consume even less than before on the Shunpo and her moves became faster in time. The lack of a partner proved to be a hindrance at the beginning, but in time she got used to it to the point of imagining Aizen's moves in her head. She also began to learn Kendo from books and practicing hard after school.
How was it to feel a real sword in your hands, she wondered sometimes as she mimicked the moves with a wooden old sword she borrowed from a gang member. Then she would continue training silently and swiftly improving.
The soft voice that had soothed her injuries so many times in her dreams, came from time to time and spoke to her calmly, warmly of a bright future, a happy one. She didn't want to believe it, but even she could not stop the images from emerging behind her eyelids. Her being happy with Aizen in a small house on the margin of a lake, enjoying the sun, curled around each other was more than enough to make her cry, but sometimes in the image appeared little children running around them. That was when Karin could almost hear her heart break in two. Because she instinctively knew she and Aizen had no future together.
And so the long autumn month of September came to an end.
Karin was hanging in the classroom, staring the sky and practically enjoying the view of the town from her seat. A leaf, lost in the wind, passed before her eyes, flying away in the direction it was directing to by the strong gust. She smiled, thinking that in the end life was like a leaf: they were all floating, drifting away, changing directions and in the end there was someone else dictating their path. Someone so much stronger.
The one who said time heals everything was either drunk or very unknowing of how the world works, thought Karin from her seat.
"Karin" she heard an inner voice speaking "Get out"
She looked around searching for the voice's owner. When she saw no one, she dismissed it as a very early Halloween prank and proceeded to drift off into space. Then she heard it again even louder.
"Get out Karin!"
She got up and looked through the window only to see a red Cero approach the school.
"Oh fuck …"
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I know sex in a graveyard is a little bit … too much, but ehh. I am a little bit eccentric today.
Well sorry for the long wait, but I had to get used to the full time job and school. And in the week-ends I was usually too tired to write anything. And I must confess I got rather tired of Bleach. The last 20 chapters felt rather dry and I get the feeling Ichigo gets his ass kissed too often for my liking. I love this couple but from now on I will not follow the manga's new ideas. And the actual Arc, as I said, seems like a Winter War Arc, just much worse (I preferred the Espada over these new villains)
Actually I wanted to update the story one month ago or so, but then I received that review in which I was "a jerk" so that destroyed my muse completely. And some were even sarcastic. Sarcasm won't make me update. just saying.
Anyways I am saluting you from my snowy town.