As we continue through Walt's emotional journey this season
I wonder if she knows how she renders me helpless. That little extra lean into my shoulder when she talks. The ease in which she peels back the layers of her masks slowly and lovingly revealing her soul to only me. She makes me feel special, like I am the only one, in a room full of prying eyes. That temper that flares up when she sees an injustice and her confidence of thought and movement excites me. When I am with Vic, I feel a reawakening of my spirit, a rebirth of desire and the passion to live. She gives me permission to relax into myself and forget about the chaos and pain that is interwoven into the patterns of my soul.
I know Lizzie was right the moment she said it because I really am saving it all for Vic. I don't want it spoiled for anyone else. I think I slept with Lizzie to get over Martha and to get over Vic. A distraction that I hoped could work but I knew all along it wouldn't because Vic occupies the open spaces of my heart and my mind.
Sitting on the motel bed I chuckle at the thought of my bad girl in the next room and the endless possibilities if I knock on the door. I chuckle because of the power she wields over my thought and actions. For a fleeting moment I want to forget that she is married and imagine making slow sweet love with her. Just as quick, I snap out of the pleasing thought, and hear a knock on the door that stops me solid dead in my tracks.
My breath escapes my body and for a moment I begin to panic as if she caught me thinking of loving her. I am frozen in fear, in longing, of the possibilities. I move to the door thinking of what to say. Vanity overtakes me as I straighten out my hair. Why? I care what she thinks when she looks at me. I want to show her the acceptance and love she craves. I have it all to give, just for her.
Pretending to be her husband is easy. "Help sell it she says", giving me momentary permission to live where my heart dreams.