Following "In the Pines"
Vic and I haven't talked about Arizona. I think about what almost happened and as soon as the fantasies rush in I push them out of my mind but it's hard to control when I am sleeping. The subconscious mind is both enemy and ally. The deep desire is present in my dreams and runs parallel with my thirst for revenge in finding who is responsible for taking my Martha from this earth. I have made a very conscious decision that my heart cannot be free to love again until Martha's murder is resolved. I never could love two women at the same time and it was a natural way for me to be faithful. Besides the obvious, that Vic is married, even if she weren't I'm not ready for her. I know this and it keeps me from breaking the rules with her but I know I am bending them and that is just as bad in my book because I want to be ready for her. I know I am in trouble.
When she spends extra time with me I notice and I don't mind even though I know it's wrong. It's wrong because I want her with me, by my side, in my presence. Not to own her but to just be with her even when we are talking about nothing we are talking about everything. Yeah, she does most of the talking but I really enjoy the listening. She is a slow burn. Every word, every syllable is one step deeper inside of her soul and it's a journey I want to take but know I shouldn't and that is part of the dance we do – back and forth -with each other.
Sean comes in through my private door, which I didn't know he knew existed, and bucks up as he confronts me about Vic. The pictures infer what I was thinking of doing that night. I am very guilty of that. My memory is very accurate in recalling her beauty in that Arizona twilight. I would have done the same or worse if I was him and I understand as a man. This girl is trouble, I tell myself, over and over again. The real trouble, of course, is that she is worth it. Every bit of it.
I have to put distance between me and Vic. I don't want to get in the middle of her marriage and I certainly don't want to be in her head distracting her from all that's important. I am surprised when she resists going home but it tells me there is more going on in her marriage than she lets on. I suppose that's how we both got to this place, though, by allowing the time to pass between us. When she tells me that she never went home, I know this is far more serious, and moving too fast for me to get my bearings. I want to ask but I am afraid, no terrified, of the answer. I'm terrified because I'm not ready for this. Vic, slow down. That's what I want to tell her. Get your mind right, Vic. Stop, Vic. Don't blow it, Vic. But I don't say it I just listen to the warnings in my head. I have to listen because I am about to explode with jealousy and anger when she tells me about her past fucking sessions with Gorski. I feel the anger flash across my face and I catch myself. I am not supposed to feel this way. I am mad at her mistakes now being my problems and I am mad at her for sharing her precious body with that piece of shit.
I want to break this fuckin' guy in half. Keep your distance, Walt. Slow down, Walt. Don't blow it, Walt. I retreat into my comfortable kingdom of silence. This is where I'm going to stay as I refocus my attention to where it needs to be in finding Martha's killer and setting my best friend free, forever.
I will slay this dragon. He is an enemy I can defeat. Affairs of the heart that's another beast entirely.