Chapter IV

"Kíli!"

Upon entering Bard's house, the first thing Kíli became aware of was his brother rushing toward him.

"Kíli, finally! We were just about to send out a search party for you. Don't you think you've already caused us enough worry for one day?" Fíli reprimanded him, slightly overprotective of his younger brother, as was, by necessity, his habit.

Kíli impatiently tried to brush off his brother's fussing. "I'm here now, am I not?" He only wished for his brother to shut up, so that he could try to listen in on the conversation that had to be taking place outside between Tauriel and that rude, arrogant, blond princeling. Legolas.

Fíli looked taken aback by his curtness and Kíli immediately felt sorry. Fíli only meant well and while he would sometimes get on his nerves with his strong protective urges, he was also one of the main reasons why he was standing here now, alive and—relatively—well. The other reason for that circumstance was currently out on the stairs, no doubt trying to get back into the good graces of that prince—commanding officer? Kinsman? Friend? Lover?—of hers.

Kíli exhaled tiredly, putting his hand on his brother's shoulder. "Sorry I'm a little late, brother. My leg slowed me down a bit."

Fíli's expression immediately changed to one of worry again. Checking his brother over he asked, "Did it get worse again? Come on, sit down and rest. We cannot risk for you to be slowed down by it when we get to the mountain."

I might not be able to protect you in whatever awaits us there…

Kíli allowed his brother to help him settle down on a bench, propping his leg up on a small stool. All the while he was straining his ears for any sounds from outside. Bloody elves, he thought only half serious, always so damn quiet as if they're hardly there at all.

Tauriel of course could be very much 'there' if she wanted to. He was acutely aware of her presence even with wooden walls separating them and it took all of his willpower to remain in full control over his body as he remembered the way her lips had felt when he had kissed them and the way her lithe body had molded itself against his own as they had drawn each other closer, clutching, desperate.

What was this connection between them, he wondered? So delicate sometimes that he feared one false step might rip the tentative bond that they had formed, and at other times so raw and intense that it felt as if he could not breathe, could not go on, without her.

But he had to. Go on, that was. They had both acknowledged their respective responsibilities and while a small, innocent and hopeful part of him had withered and died when she had said that she would return to her king, Kíli knew that it would be unfair to demand of her what he could not do himself—desert his family and turn his back on his duty as one of the heirs of Durin. No matter how much he wanted to.

He gloomily stared at the wall, half wishing to be able to see through it and half glad that he couldn't. Tauriel had not spoken of her companion to him directly, but he had sensed her distress over having deserted him and, of course, her flinch when Legolas had suddenly shown up had not escaped him. Whatever their exact relation to each other was, the elf did mean a great deal to Tauriel.

And she to him, a voice whispered inside Kíli's head. You saw the way he looked at her when she locked you up in your cell.

Kíli sighed, trying to quench the jealousy nagging at his heart. Maybe it was better this way. Tauriel would live an eternal life on this world, wouldn't she? He only wished for her to be content in her personal eternity, for the smile in her eyes when she spoke of the stars to remain happy and not to turn sad and wistful.

Of what awaited himself in the future, Kíli could not be sure at the moment… Would they safely reach Erebor? Was a happy ending waiting there for all of them? He could not help but doubt that. Something inside him was telling him that the defeat of the dragon was not yet the end of their struggle.

Despite what his brother and other members of the company might think, Kíli had always been acutely aware of the realistic possibility of losing his life somewhere along the way of their quest. He might be young and he might also be a little reckless and prone to displays of heroism (always went well with the ladies after all…), but he was no fool. If worse came to worst, he was prepared to face the consequences of his decisions and fight to his death. For his family, for his kin. Only now he had found one more reason to regret having to leave this world and all its joys and wonders behind if and when the time came…

His head shot up when the door was suddenly pushed open and Legolas waltzed in—although, with an elf, you couldn't exactly call it 'waltzing,' he supposed—Tauriel trailing behind him, her face tinged by a slight flush. The jealous beast in Kíli's chest stirred once again as he wondered what could have caused the pink shade coloring Tauriel's delicate cheeks.

Legolas strode across the room, approaching Bard who, with the aid of his son and daughters, was still busy trying to clear away the chaos that attacks by orcs and a dragon had wrought over the interior of his house. Kíli could hear Legolas expressing his gratitude towards Bard and his family on behalf of his people and realized with a pang that this meant that the Elves were leaving. Leaving now.

His eyes shifted to Tauriel, who was still lingering by the door, apparently not quite able to decide whether she was expected to stand at Legolas' side or not. Glancing in Kíli's direction and then back at her companion, she seemed to make up her mind, resolution settling into her fair features.

Hurrying over to Kíli she sank down to her knees before him, half reaching to take his hands into her own, but then deciding otherwise, twisting her hands together in front of her chest instead, almost as if she were praying.

Kíli met her gaze and attempted a small smile, failing miserably, of course. "So, this is it."

She didn't reply at first, weighing her words carefully. When she spoke it was with an urgency that reflected the tight, suffocating feeling in Kíli's chest.

"We must not grieve ourselves over what could have been, Kíli," she said, only loud enough for him to hear. "Instead we must cherish the memory and learn to be happy despite the fate that has been dealt to us."

Kíli felt an awful lot like crying. This was worse than he had anticipated—actually saying goodbye to her felt so utterly and completely wrong. Still, he nodded, pressing his lips together in an effort not to allow a single tear to escape his eyes. He could tell that Tauriel was fighting a similar battle, both of them unwilling to show their feelings in front of their respective companions.

He leaned forward, his hands itching to touch her face, her hair, her hands, but stopped himself from doing so. His voice came out as a husky whisper. "Just tell me one thing, Tauriel." He paused, gathering his courage. "The question that I asked you before, the one when I thought I was dreaming—"

Her eyes widened, obviously surprised that he even remembered that. And he hadn't, initially, but it had all come back to him once the dragon had been defeated and he'd finally had a moment or two to reflect on the events of the last few hours.

Do you think she could have loved me?

Hearing Bard say his farewells to Legolas across the room, Kíli pressed on, hurriedly, needing to get this out into the open before there would never be another opportunity to do so. "What would you have answered?"

Tauriel frowned, casting her gaze down. "Kíli, I cannot—" she pleaded, her voice sounding strained.

"Please," he implored. "Please, I need to know. I need to hear it."

He did not really understand why he had to torture himself—and her—like this. She had already acknowledged that she cared about him, but for some reason he just couldn't let it go, needed to be sure.

She sighed, her gaze returning to his. "Yes," she simply said.

Kíli thought his heart missed at least one beat and he smiled a bittersweet smile. He reached out with one hand, wanting to brush a lock of her gorgeous hair behind her ear, but she drew back slightly and he dropped his hand in resignation. They held each other's gaze for another long moment, everything they were unable to say aloud passing between them in silent communication.

Be safe—I will miss you—I cannot bear this—My love—I will see you in my dreams—will we ever meet again—I wish things did not have to end this way—

Tauriel rose to her feet abruptly when she heard Legolas approach and cleared her throat, her expression becoming guarded once again. Kíli marveled at her ability to hide her emotions like that and did his best to wipe the agony he felt off his own face in a similar manner.

Bowing slightly she said, "Goodbye, Kíli. I wish you and your company good luck on your journey."

Kíli rose to his feet and bowed, staring at his boots as he willed his eyes to remain dry. "Goodbye Tauriel, who walks among the stars. Thank you for everything."

He turned towards Legolas who had come to stand at Tauriel's side and reluctantly repeated the movement. "Safe travels," he forced himself to say.

Legolas frowned, but returned his bow wordlessly. Tauriel quickly went to the other dwarves and then to the members of Bard's family, exchanging a few words of farewell.

Kíli followed her around the room with his eyes, not hearing anything of what she and the others said because a buzzing sound in his ear was droning out all other noise. He could feel Legolas' eyes on him, but for once he did not care. If those were the last few glimpses he would get of Tauriel's beautiful face he would have to make them last.

Soon, however, she was done and the two Elves made their way towards the door. Kíli tried to follow, but found that he was frozen in place, unable to move. Legolas opened the door and held it open. With one last longing look in Kíli's direction, Tauriel glided through the door, Legolas following on her heels.

The door banged shut.

She was gone.

The room went awfully silent and Kíli sensed the looks of the others. He dug his fingers into the wooden surface of the table at his side in an effort to prevent himself from running after her.

"If they like each other so much, why don't they just stay together?" he heard Bard's youngest daughter, Tilda, whisper to her older sister Sigrid, who shushed her quickly and drew her away towards the kitchen where they resumed their cleaning. Their father and brother joined them seconds later, obviously uncomfortable with the tense atmosphere in the room.

Kíli felt his brother come up behind him, squeezing his shoulder in a gesture of comfort. "Kíli," he began, but seemed at a loss at what to else to say. And what was there that he could have said, after all, that could make the pain go away?

Kíli covered his brother's hand briefly with his own, but then pushed it away. "Just give me a moment, alright?" he said, shocked himself at the desolate tone of his voice.

Slowly he made his way across the room, heading for one of the separate rooms that he knew to be located at the back of the house, desiring nothing but a single moment of privacy to pull himself together again.

Blindly reaching for the next door available he stumbled into a room with two narrow beds—the girls' bedroom probably—and closed the door behind him in as controlled a manner as possible in his current state.

Once inside, he could feel his control slip and fell to his knees, barely even registering the pain that shot through his bad leg as it made contact with the floor.

He wanted nothing more than to cry and yet found that he could not. His whole body felt as if he was choking with the pain of having to let Tauriel go without any real hope of seeing her again and yet the tears would not flow. He hunched forward, heaving dry sobs, clutching his upper body with both arms for fear that he might simply disintegrate, the parts of his body scattering across the floor.

He had not known that it was possible to hurt like that. The poisoned arrow had been a mere joke compared to the agony his soul was in right now. How would he be able to go on after this? How could he ever have deluded himself into thinking that he would simply be able to walk away from this as if it were just a little fling, another harmless flirt?

Kíli squeezed his eyes shut and tried to calm his breathing, knowing that he would only make himself sick if he continued like this. After a couple of minutes on his knees with his forehead pressed against the wooden floor, he pushed himself up again and sank back on his heels. His gaze was drawn towards the small window at the other end of the room and he noticed that night had fallen in the meantime. The windowpane was smeared with soot, but he could still make out the stars glittering in the sky beyond.

He smiled to himself, sadly. This was how he would go on. He would look at the stars at night and remember, wondering if she was looking at the same constellations right now.

Getting up from the floor he made his way to the door, taking one last calming breath before stepping outside. The heads of the other Dwarves turned towards him. If they had heard his sobs through the closed door, they did not let it on.

"We should get ready," he spoke to them, his voice grim with determination. "It's time we finally joined the others and claimed our rightful home."