Chapter V

Tauriel stood at the railing of the small vessel that was to take them across the lake, gazing at Lake-town where it was illuminated by the moon and the stars, the silhouette of the town growing smaller and smaller in the distance.

She had expected that it would hurt to leave Kíli with only slight chances of returning to his side ever again. She had been prepared for sorrow, grief, and pain. What she had not been prepared for was the numbness that she now experienced—as if she was separated from the world around her by a thick, murky veil that nothing could penetrate. Not even the silver light of her beloved stars seemed to reach her anymore. Now she saw them like Kíli did—they were distant and cold, their light not warm and comforting to her anymore.

She continued to stare into the distance, her eyes wide and her fists clenched at her side. Could this be any harder?

Tauriel drew a shaky breath. She could feel tears burning in the corners of her eyes, but was not willing to give away her true emotions in front of Legolas. Of course he already knew that something was the matter with her, but as far as he knew, what had grown between herself and Kíli was merely friendship and affection. Which, in her friend's eyes, was probably bad enough already, but Tauriel thought that this would be something Legolas would eventually be able to accept, to forgive, to forget.

He could never know that Kíli had made her feel truly alive for the first time in her long life when he had gazed upon her like she was one of the brightest stars in the sky. He could never know how she craved the dwarf's touch, how one look from his brown eyes could make her glow and set her heart racing. And he could never know how devastated she was at having to leave Kíli behind before she ever had the chance to find out if the spark between them could grow into a bright flame, how with every step that took her further away from him, she had thought that she could feel her heartstrings snapping, one after the other.

Lake-town was only a small glimmer on the horizon now, even with her keen elvish eyesight she could hardly make out its shape against the night sky.

She could feel Legolas come up behind her and sensed that he was trying to think of something to say. Please don't, she begged him in her mind. If I have to say one word, I will surely fall apart.

Legolas hesitated—which was unusual for him—cleared his throat, and Tauriel thought she could hear him open his mouth to speak, but then close it again before saying anything. Instead, he took another step forward and now stood right next to her. His hand came to rest at the small of her back, exerting only the slightest of pressures.

Tauriel closed her eyes when she realized that Legolas was trying to comfort her, the thought strangely moving to her already strained mind. She almost came undone right there and then, but desperately tried to reign in her emotions. She kept her eyes closed for another moment and when she opened them again, only a single tear escaped and rolled down her cheek.

The pressure of Legolas' hand on her back increased ever so slightly. Lake-town was swallowed by the blackness of the night.

"Tauriel."

King Thranduil's voice sounded cold and distant as Tauriel knelt before his throne on the cold, hard floor. She kept her head lowered, staring at the ground. She feared that if she lifted her head to look at her king, she would find the coldness of his voice reflected in his eyes.

Her palms were sweaty as she awaited Thranduil's judgment of her actions. Upon their arrival, both she and Legolas had been led straight to the King's halls. Tauriel had been instructed to wait outside the enormous wooden doors while Legolas had gone inside first to speak with his father. The wait had not exactly helped with the unease that Tauriel felt at having to confront Thranduil and justify her actions in front of him.

There had been a time when an audience with her king would have filled the young she-elf with pride and excitement. Pride at being of enough importance to be noticed by her king, excitement at having a chance to prove her worthiness. Lately, and especially today, the emotions that dominated such a face to face encounter with Thranduil were fear and reluctance. Some of his actions and decisions that she had witnessed in the more recent past had disappointed her and sometimes she was outright shocked at the lack of compassion with which Thranduil looked upon everything and everyone outside of Mirkwood.

Tauriel fervently hoped that this lack of compassion did not yet extend to members of his own kind…

Thranduil continued. "I do not suppose that it is necessary to remind you that as Captain of the Guard you have sworn yourself to protecting your home and kin at all times and under all circumstances?"

Tauriel remained silent, which Thranduil obviously took as an affirmation of his question.

"Then it is also not necessary to bring to your attention that going across the borders of Mirkwood with neither order nor permission and not returning for several days is not only a severe neglect of your duty as Captain of the Guard, but also constitutes a major betrayal of your kin, which you have sworn to protect?"

Tauriel lowered her head even further. This did not sound as if Thranduil would be particularly lenient when it came to a verdict.

Thranduil paused for a few moments and Tauriel thought she could almost feel his glare on the back of her head. She suppressed a shiver.

"Legolas tells me that you left in order to assist him in his pursuit of the Orcs and to ensure his safety."

Tauriel's head shot up at that, a movement which she immediately regretted when a sharp pain shot into her neck. Legolas was standing next to his father's throne, his hands clasped behind his back and the expression on his face unreadable.

Tauriel wondered if she was supposed to say something in response to that and felt her cheeks grow warm under her king's piercing stare. Legolas had promised that he would not tell his father of her insubordination in Lake-town, but that he would take the entire blame for their little trip was not something that they had discussed. Luckily, Thranduil did not seem to expect her to either confirm or deny the truth of Legolas' testimony.

"My son's reckless behavior does of course lessen the gravity of your own mistake," the king spoke gravely. Tauriel thought that it almost sounded as if he regretted that he would not be able to punish her with the same vehemence now. She quickly bowed her head again in order to hide the frown that came to her face at that notion.

"Still, my sincerest apologies are in order, my king. I acted foolishly and rashly," she said, trying to sound as humble and deferential as possible.

Thranduil laughed, coldly. "Your apologies are indeed overdue. Also, a mere apology cannot make up for the fact that even if you acted in your role as a protector of the royal family, you nevertheless disobeyed your king's orders. Instead of following Legolas, you should have reported his plans directly to me. You answer to me, not him"

"Of course, my king," Tauriel mumbled. For a second, she had thought that Thranduil might let her get away with a simple reprimand, but of course that was not his way.

"Of late I have more than once felt that the freedom and authority that your position necessarily entails has tempted you to act without thought and in contrast to my wishes."

Tauriel wanted to protest that in all her actions she always had the best interests of her kin and her king in mind, and that she could not help it if he could not see what was right. Then she remembered that her latest quest had, if she was honest, not been motivated by her wish to keep Mirkwood safe from intruders, but by a purely personal desire to save the life of a certain dwarf, and let her shoulders sag.

She knew what was coming next, Legolas had prepared her for this after all. That did not make it any less painful and she felt very small indeed while Thranduil drew himself up to his full height as he delivered his verdict.

"As of today, Tauriel, you will therefore transfer from your position in the guard of the borders of Mirkwood to one within my personal guard. Under my supervision you will hopefully learn to think before you act so that in the future, when some of your former privileges are returned to you, you will know how to use them wisely."

"Yes, my lord," Tauriel responded. She knew that there was no point in arguing with her king about any of this and to be honest, she did not feel like she would have had the strength to do so at the moment. Now that her verdict had been spoken, she suddenly felt as if the hardships—those of the body as well as those of the heart—of the past few days were catching up with her. She tried to pull herself together for another few moments, but could not prevent a slight stagger as she bowed to her king. "Thank you, my king, for your kindness and for this opportunity."

As she straightened up and finally dared to look at Thranduil directly, she saw in his gaze the coldness and disapproval that she had expected, but also the tiniest trace of regret at having to pass this judgment. Once more she was stunned at the likeness of Thranduil and his son.

Thranduil sighed and for a moment you could see the thousands of years that he had already spent on this world flicker across his face. He looked tired. This lasted only for a second, however, and immediately the beautiful but stone-cold mask that was his face was firmly back in place.

"Use the next few hours to rest. Your new duty will begin with the next change of shifts."

Tauriel nodded and resisted the urge to glance at Legolas. They would have enough opportunities to discuss what he had said to his father and what consequences that would have for him later. "Yes, my lord. Thank you."

She slowly made her way across the hall, keeping her back deliberately upright. Once she had slipped outside the heavy wooden doors, she had to lean against the wall, close her eyes and take a couple of deep breaths to steady herself. Her head was spinning and once more she felt the pain of her broken heart threatening to overwhelm her.

Once her heartbeat had slowed and the dizziness in her head had subsided, she opened her eyes again. A little way further down the corridor, two elves stood and stared at her in open curiosity. She narrowed her eyes at them and they immediately turned away, trying to look busy.

Tauriel pushed off the wall and set out for her room. She could certainly use some rest—but even more so, she needed a place to gather her thoughts and to figure out a way to cope with the massive changes that her life had undergone within the last few of days.