Ok guys so this is part 2 of my series so far-Hope u enjoy! Would love to hear how you think it's going, but for now this is it!
My posture relaxed slightly, I was caught with an air of uneasiness, but it was close enough to calm once more. His face shone down on me like a ray of sunshine, his gaze piercing every inch of my flesh. I knew in that moment that he loved me, but I was still unsure of how I felt; I can barely go through a day without screaming, without crying, without the memories… I go through each day as if I'm blind to the world, deaf to the universe and numb to human touch, to feel anything deeper is impossible, to open my heart up, to open any part of me up, would tear me apart with the tormented misery at what I was part of, of what I did. And it is not that simple, I cannot, I will not ruin his life, he has suffered too much and he deserves better than whatever inadequacy I can offer him.
"Peeta." My mouth whispers the name, coaxing it out slowly as if in that way he is more mine, closer to me than I can ever let him be now.
"Hello Katniss," he replies cheerfully, almost too cheerfully, as if he has something terrible to tell me. It makes me even more wary, but I set my bow down and rest in the hollow of a large tree, its trunk wrapping gently around my form. He follows, bending with difficulty, his fake limb proving a disadvantage once more. Again I think, "Is this all my fault?"
We sit for a long time, not saying a word, just listening to the familiar sounds of the forest, as I wrestle back images that have still not left my mind. There are pinecones and needles scattered through the earth, and tiny indentations can be seen in the soft ground. My hunter instincts had kicked in long ago, but they were the only things that kept me sane now.
I had shown Peeta the woods the day after we got back; I didn't want to, it was, it still is, mine and Gale's, and despite how hard I try, despite how hard I want to, I cannot forget that simple fact. But I owed it to him, to Peeta, to give him something of me, a piece of me, no matter how small, no matter how insignificant it was, I had to: it was time; it was fair; it was right. And the woods are a part of me so intertwined with who I am, how I feel, that it was the greatest gift I could give to him, to give Peeta a little bit of my heart.
"Shouldn't you be hating me right now?" I asked. I know it should have been a joke, but I was deadly serious.
"I could never hate you Katniss, never." He replied sincerely.
And that was it. I was angry at him, furious in fact. I wanted more than anything for him to hate me, to despise the very thought of my existence, but he would not. He had been devastated when I told him that Haymitch and I had made up our whole relationship, that we did it to earn supporters, to gain favours, to help him survive. But the fact that I did not love him shot through him harder and faster than a bullet to the head, more excruciating than the tracker-jacker venom that had seized through his veins like a slow torture, but this time I was powerless to help him, to make him whole again; though I had failed in that last time too. A single tear rolled down my pale cheek, and I was too absorbed in my sorrow, in my guilt over what I had let happen to him, to Rue, to all of them; they all died (all except Peeta, but he still suffers every day for what I let happen), they all died so I could survive, and am I a worthy victor? Should I still be here? Is this all my fault?
I feel Peeta's touch instantly; no matter how hard I try I will always know when it's him, his tanned fingers gently brushing the tears from my face. I looked up at him then, my grey coal seam eyes questioning him, asking him why, asking him the reason behind all of this. But he simply took my hand in his and squeezed it tight, and then he pulled me carefully, although a little awkwardly, to my feet, before whispering in my ear:
"Come Katniss, I've got something to show you".