Chapter XIV

She hated the dark. She always had, but never more than now. In this strange, strange place she was in, darkness seemed to be more than just the absence of light. It was bottomless, infinite, its blackness wrapping itself around her body like a thick, silky veil, erasing all texture, all colors.

Darkness meant that she was alone, locked away inside her own mind. Oh, how she longed to be with him. It was as if it was only through his touch that she could come alive, only through his eyes upon her that she could exist. But she would have to be patient—she knew that he would find her again eventually. He always did.

From time to time, a window would open itself up to her, like a small tear in the close-meshed fabric that enveloped her. Stepping through, she would find trees, rocks, grass, sky, earth—life. And sometimes him. Not always though; sometimes she would wait in vain.

During those long periods of waiting, she would wonder if for his spirit it felt the same. If he, too, was locked away in a dark, black place most of the time, with an occasional chance to escape into another, more beautiful world. If it did, did that mean that maybe she was dead, too? That she had somehow managed to abandon her body completely, freeing her spirit from all physical ties?

No. When she closed her eyes and concentrated, she could still feel the world of the living reach out to her, could hear her friends call for her, feel their attempts at luring her back. But she would not come, not now, not ever. She was content to remain where she was. If only it were not quite so dark.

Kíli sat behind his Elven companion, keeping his body at an awkward angle that made his back hurt. But what was he supposed to do? Snuggle up to Legolas? Nah, they were still a long way from that. Legolas had impressed him when he had overcome his pride and asked for his help. But that did not make up for the fact that Legolas had also been the one to get them into this situation in the first place by lying to Tauriel and telling her that Kíli was dead.

Kíli stared at the Elven prince's rigid back with narrowed eyes, wondering why Legolas had done that. Was it because he was in love with Tauriel? Not for the first time, Kíli speculated in the history between Tauriel and the blond elf. The thought that they had spent centuries together gnawed at the young dwarf's heart. How could he ever compete with that? Already, he regretted every minute of his life that he had wasted not knowing her.

Legolas led the horse down a slope and Kíli winced when the sudden change in direction caused a dull pain to erupt in his chest . Legolas looked at him over his shoulder, raising one eyebrow.

"It's nothing," Kíli muttered, straightening up to reduce the strain on his ribcage. Most of the time, the injuries sustained on the battlefield did not give him much trouble anymore and sometimes he simply forgot to take things easy.

Legolas did not reply, but, as they reached the bottom of the steep slope, he stopped his horse and dismounted. "We should take a break," he said.

Kíli looked at the elf in surprise. Well, he would not mind getting off this bloody horse for a few moments and look at something more pleasant than Legolas' back for a change. Carefully he lowered himself to the ground.

Legolas had gone to scout the area, so Kíli took it upon himself to lead the horse a couple of feet away from the path. He sank down on the trunk of a fallen tree and looked at the horizon, which was just turning a pale grey with the approach of daylight, wondering whether his absence had already been discovered by those he had abandoned.

The rustling of leaves announced Legolas' return. Kíli was well aware that the elf would also have been able to return without making a sound and was deliberately letting Kíli know that he was coming. Legolas stopped at a short distance from Kíli and just stared at him for several seconds as if there was something he wanted to say. Kíli raised his eyebrows questioningly, but Legolas just shook his head and sat down on the tree trunk as well, keeping a careful distance to his traveling companion.

When Kíli could no longer bear the strained silence that had lasted for most of their journey, he spoke up. "What are we going to do once we reach your father's halls? I suspect I can't very well walk in the front door and expect to be invited to dinner, can I?"

Legolas smiled faintly, but did not look at Kíli. "I suppose one could put it like that," he replied. "But don't worry. The halls of Mirkwood may be a fortress, but every fortress has some weaknesses, some secret passages."

Kíli nodded. "And once inside, what do I do?"

Legolas turned his head to look at him. "I was hoping you could tell me that."

Kíli frowned. All night he had asked himself that question, wondered what he could do to help. Too little did he understand that mysterious connection between him and Tauriel to form a plan how to get her back, how to wake her up. He had considered asking Legolas whether such a thing had been known to happen amongst his kind, but it felt all wrong to be telling someone else about those dreams. Especially if that someone was Legolas.

"So… how exactly did this 'misunderstanding' between you and Tauriel come about?" he asked instead. "And why would this make her take a sleeping potion?"

Legolas looked away. "It was—she was asking me about the battle, wanted to know what had happened—"

"So she was not there herself?" Kíli interrupted. Then it had not been her who had saved him after all.

"No." Legolas shook his head. "She wanted to go, but…" He broke off and lapsed into a thoughtful silence. He remained silent for such a long time that Kíli thought he might not continue at all. When Legolas finally spoke again, it was with a very low voice, so low that Kíli had to strain his ears to understand what he was saying. "I do not suppose you are familiar with Elven customs of love and romance?"

"I—well... no," Kíli stammered, slightly embarrassed by the turn this conversation seemed to be taking. "Can't say that any sort of Elven traditions or ways were part of my education." Legolas raised his eyebrows at the term 'education,' causing Kíli to glare at him. "What?" Arrogant prick.

But Legolas merely chuckled and shook his head before continuing. "To an Elf love does not come easily. We do not tend to 'fall in love,' as you would probably call it. For us, to love means to love forever. Love is not a choice that we can afford to make foolishly."

Now it was Kíli's turn to shake his head. He should have known what direction this was going to go into. Getting up he replied, angrily: "Look, don't even bother telling me that I am an idiot for thinking she would ever—"

"No," Legloas interrupted him, "that was not what I was going to say. It is what I should say, probably, but… well. Hear me out please, I need you to understand this."

Kíli crossed his arms in front of his chest and nodded for Legolas to continue, refusing to sit down again. If he was going to be insulted, then he would rather be glaring down at his opponent than sitting beside him like old friends.

Legolas fixed his eyes on the horizon as he went on, obviously as uncomfortable with this conversation as Kíli. "Because Elves love only once, prematurely losing a chosen mate is bound to have a profound impact on one's life. We do not 'move on.' There are many who—how can I explain this adequately—fade away after the death of their mate. They still live on, of course, but they are not themselves anymore. Just a shell."

Kíli sat down on the tree trunk once more, weighed down by the implications of what Legolas had just told him.

"Do you understand now what happened to Tauriel?" the elf asked him.

"Yes," Kíli replied slowly, his throat suddenly very dry. A part of him rejoiced in the fact that, essentially, he had just been told that Tauriel loved him—loved him more than he had ever expected to be loved by anyone. However, with that love also came a terrible burden. He swallowed against the tightness in his throat. He was not immortal. He would grow old, frail, and eventually he would leave Tauriel behind to drown in misery. If they ever found a way to be together in this life in the first place.

As depressing as all that was, there was something else that was bothering him. He looked at Legolas, who had gone back to staring at the horizon, his expression unreadable. "Do you love her?" he asked the elf. "Is that why you told her I was dead?"

Legolas smiled, wistfully. "I care about Tauriel more than I care about anyone else. I care about her so much that, more than anything, I want her to be happy. When I allowed her to think that you had died, this was during a moment of weakness, of jealousy. I am not perfect."

Despite himself, Kíli felt the corners of his mouth twitch at the solemn gravity with which Legolas uttered those last words. In fact, he felt like laughing at the absurdity of this whole situation. Here he was, sitting in the woods, at dawn, discussing love with an Elven prince. Ridiculous, really.

"You mock me," Legolas said, smiling himself.

"Nah," Kíli answered. "Why would I?"

They were both silent for a few minutes, digesting everything that had just been said.

Legolas' voice was serious once more when he spoke again. "Do you?" he asked.

"Do I what?"

"Love her."

"Oh," Kíli said, surprised, and then, after a pause, "Aye. I love her with everything that I have."

Legolas nodded grimly. "Then I hope that will be enough."

"So do I," Kíli replied distractedly, "so do I."

"So, what now?" Kíli muttered under his breath, looking with concern at the numerous guards positioned along the borders of Mirkwood.

"Now we wait," Legolas whispered in reply. "There will be a change of shifts soon, then we will make our move. The guards on duty then will let us pass through without asking too many questions and once we're inside we'll use some secret passages."

They were both crouched on the ground, concealed by the dense undergrowth. Kíli did not know whether it was the heavy, fragrant air of the woods or the lack of sleep and food— proper food, not that Elven bread stuff that tasted bland in his mouth and refused to be swallowed down without the aid of lots and lots of water—but he was beginning to feel twitchy, paranoid almost. He felt like turning back, running away from this bewitched place. But he could not do so, needed to move forward, to get closer to her.

"You make it sound awfully easy," he said to Legolas. When the elf did not reply, Kíli turned his head and realized that Legolas had already departed into the direction they had come from. Grumbling, he followed the elf back to where they had left the horse beside a small stream, trying not to make too much sound as he did so.

Legolas glanced at him as he drew close. Reaching into the saddlebag, he threw him a small canteen filled with water. "Drink," he said. "You look exhausted."

"I'm fine," Kíli muttered, but took a swig from the canteen nonetheless. The water helped to clear his head a little and he sat down on the root of one of the giant trees. Here, where the woods were not infested with monstrous spiders, Kíli had to admit it was actually quite lovely. You got a sense of what this place had been like before it had been touched by darkness: a place of light, of life.

Legolas came over and leaned against the same tree, handing Kíli a chunk of the Lembas bread he was eating. Kíli nibbled on the bread for a while, telling himself that he needed to keep up his strength. Who knew what would happen next?

Suddenly he chuckled, which made Legolas look at him questioningly. "Thorin would throw a fit if he could see me now," Kíli said.

Legolas smiled. "So would my father," he said in return. Then after a pause he asked: "You sound bitter when you speak of your uncle. Why is that? I thought you were close."

Kíli hesitated, wondering how much he should divulge in front of Legolas, but then decided that it did not really matter anymore what he told him and what not. He had already revealed so much to him, this could not really get more embarrassing. "We were," he thus answered. "But lately we have drifted apart. Thorin… can be difficult sometimes—" this earned a snort from Legolas— "and it seems that he has lost his trust in me. Does not think me loyal to our cause anymore." He glanced at his companion. "I suppose I don't have to tell you why that is."

Legolas appeared to mull this over in his head for a while. "Thorin Oakenshield does not make for an easy companion. I think he was shaped by the circumstances of his life into what he is now – proud, bitter. And stubborn, but then again that particular trait seems to run strong in your whole kind." Kíli threw the last bit of his chunk of Lembas bread at him. Legolas laughed and went on. "What I do not quite see however, is why he would doubt your loyalty after you threw yourself into what seemed a certain death to protect him and your brother. Not exactly the cleverest thing I have ever seen someone do, but undeniably an act of profound loyalty."

Kíli inclined his head. "I have asked myself the same question countless times. I suppose he—" He broke off suddenly, when he realized what Legolas had just said. "Hold on, you where there on the battlefield when that happened? You saw?"

He gaped at Legolas, the pieces of the puzzle slowly putting themselves together in his head. Legolas looked caught for moment, obviously he had not thought about what he was saying. Quickly, he schooled his features I to an expression of indifference and pushed off the tree, heading for his horse. "It is time now," he announced. "We should move on if we ever want to get into the palace."

Dumbfounded, Kíli rose to his feet and followed his Elven companion, wondering what other surprises lay in store for him along the road. Bloody Elves. Messing with your head all the time.

Kíli did not like this at all. He was back on the horse behind Legolas, his hands tied in front of his body, a piece of cloth draped over his head to disguise him. Legolas had explained that he was going to pretend he had taken a prisoner, but still, Kíli did not like this at all. All his instincts were telling him to break free somehow and run, but he forced himself to sit still and trust Legolas not to be leading him into a trap.

He marveled at the elf sitting in front of him, wondering about his true intentions. Every time Kíli thought he had figured the elf out, Legolas would do something completely unexpected. Like coming to fetch him to take him to Tauriel despite the fact that he clearly did not approve of the bond between the two of them. Or saving his life when he was really supposed to hate him. Because that was the conclusion Kíli had drawn from their last conversation. It had been Legolas' arrow that had pierced that orc's throat during the battle, sparing Kíli from a brutal death.

Building friendship where before there was only animosity. His mother's words, that he had so recently quoted to Tauriel, flashed through Kíli's mind once again. Before he had embarked on that journey to Erebor, he would never have dreamt of the unlikely alliances that he had made since. But that did not mean that he was now easily persuaded to regard Legolas as a friend. Until he actually reached Tauriel and this whole situation was resolved, he would still eye the blond elf with wariness.

Kíli felt the horse stop and held his breath. He heard Legolas speak to someone in Elvish. A male voice responded and whatever they said did not seem to please Legolas, because when he replied, his voice was sharp, angry.

Kíli clenched his fists when he suddenly felt hands tugging at him. Shit. What was he supposed to do if he was discovered now? With his hands tied, he was completely defenseless and there was not a chance that he would be able to escape. This would most likely result in another trip to Thranduil's dungeons. Only this time there would be no red-haired beauty coming to visit him to help him while away the long hours.

He heard Legolas bellow a command and then they were moving forward again. He sighed in relief and hoped that this part of their journey would soon be over. While he was unable to see anything, he soon felt the air around them change and guessed that they were not outside anymore.

The horse stopped again and Kíli yelped in surprise when he was yanked off the horse quite roughly. He wanted to protest, but then a firm hand was clamped over his mouth on the outside of his improvised hood.

"Quiet," he heard Legolas mutter. Then he was dragged along hurriedly down what appeared to be a flight of stairs. He tried his best not to stumble, but, judging by Legolas' vice-like grip, he would not have fallen far anyway.

The first thing that Kíli became aware of when they reached the bottom of the stairs, was how cool the air was down here. He could feel Legolas untying his hands and, once they were free again, Kíli quickly pulled the heavy cloth off his head. He looked around and was relieved to find himself alone with Legolas in an underground tunnel. A doubtful part of him had half expected to be greeted by a number of Elven guards, aiming their arrows at his head.

He looked up at Legolas, who was frowning. "There was a guard on duty who was not supposed to be there at this shift," the elf explained. "It was a close call."

"I'm glad we made it through," Kíli muttered. "Didn't fancy returning to those dungeons of yours quite so soon."

Legolas nodded, the frown not having left his face. "I had planned to go with you directly, but now I need to return to the upper levels in order to prevent word of my return spreading too quickly. I will try to buy us some time to do what we need to do."

"And what do I do?" Kíli was not sure whether he liked the idea of wandering about alone in this strange place.

"Take the tunnel until you reach the very end. There is another flight of stairs, longer than this one. At the top, turn left. Tauriel's room is the first one you will come across. I will be there as soon as I can."

"What do I do if I run into someone on the way?"

"Hide," Legolas replied simply.

Kíli nodded, but eyed the long tunnel warily. Every few feet it was lit by a dim lamp and did not look like it offered many hiding places.

"I will meet you there," Legolas said and disappeared up the stairs swiftly.

Kíli began making his way down the long tunnel slowly, staying close to the wall. When he realized that no one seemed to be about, he increased his pace, eager to get to Tauriel quickly now that he was so close.

The stairs were at the end of the tunnel, just as Legolas had said. Climbing up, Kíli held his breath. He could hear low voices speaking somewhere above him, but as long as there was no one in sight, he would not stop. Not when he had almost reached his destination. Slipping out into a corridor that opened up at the top of the stairs, he quietly made his way into the direction Legolas had told him to go. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest, suddenly incredibly nervous.

When he reached the door that, according to Legolas, lead to Tauriel's room, he rested his palm against its wooden surface for a few seconds, trying to stop his hands from shaking. Slowly, he pushed the door open, worried by what might await him inside.

His eyes fell upon a room that was flooded by sunlight falling through a big window on the far side. He smiled and stepped inside, quietly closing the door behind him. This room suited Tauriel like no other. It was almost like one of those landscapes from their dreams, the forest, the sun, and the sky so close that it was easy to forget that there were walls separating the inside from the outside.

Kíli's fond smile died away and was replaced by an expression of sadness and longing when his eyes fell upon the form of the sleeping Tauriel.

He knew that she was only asleep, but panic clutched at his heart nevertheless when he saw her lying there, pale and lifeless, her red hair building a shocking contrast to the paleness of her skin and the white sheets on her bed.

Kíli wanted to rush to her side, to hold her hand and find proof that she really was alive, but stopped dead in his tracks when he became aware of a movement to his right. He turned in surprise and saw an elf-maid standing with her back pressed against the wall, her eyes wide with fear.

She looked like she was about to call out, so Kíli rushed towards her quickly. "No, no, no, don't scream or anything, please. I'm a friend."

The elf recoiled, but kept silent.

Kíli put his hands out in front of him to show her that he was not going to harm her. "Legolas brought me here. To help Tauriel." He glanced back at her lifeless form with sad eyes.

"Oh," the young woman replied. She looked from Kíli to Tauriel and then back at him again. Her eyes went wide with realization. "Oh."

Kíli did not know what Legolas had told her about him, but she seemed to relax a little, even though she still looked rather shocked. Satisfied that she was not going to give him away by calling for help, Kíli dropped his hands and turned around, hurrying to Tauriel's side. Kneeling down beside her bed, he took one of her hands in his. He was shocked at how cold it was. Using his free hand to brush a strand of hair from her forehead he spoke, softly, his voice suddenly husky. "Tauriel? I—it's me, Kíli. I'm right here."

Nothing. Now that he was so close to her, he could see her chest rise and fall with slow, regular breaths. But aside from that, neither his touch nor his voice brought about any kind of reaction from her. Too deep was her sleep for him to reach her.

There was only one way he could think of how he might get to her, but for that to work, he would need to exert an extraordinary amount of control over his mind. Control which he had never been able to muster previously...

He flinched when the door opened, but was relieved to see that it was only Legolas. His relief was mirrored on the Elf's face when he saw that he had made it to Tauriel's room without discovery.

Legolas carried a bundle with him which he quickly put aside. He smiled at the young she-elf, who was still keeping a careful distance, and then came to kneel down on the opposite side of Tauriel's bed. "Anything?" he asked Kíli, not taking his eyes off the face of his sleeping friend.

Kíli shook his head, feeling useless. "I— I think there might be a way for me to reach her." Legolas looked at him, urging him to continue with his eyes. Kíli fumbled for words, it wanting to sound like a complete fool. "I need—I think I need to go where she is."

"What do you mean? She is right here." Legolas seemed puzzled.

"Sleep," Kíli explained. "I need to be asleep, too, in order to convince her to come back."

If anything, Legolas seemed even more confused by that statement. "What makes you think that you would be able to reach her that way?"

Kíli averted his gaze, still unwilling to delve too deeply into that territory, to reveal too much about the connection that he and Tauriel shared.

Suddenly, the young she-elf spoke up. "Have you connected with her during sleep before?"

Kíli looked at her, biting his lip. "I—yes," he admitted.

She turned to look at Legolas, who looked utterly bewildered. "Let him try. If he speaks the truth, then he can reach her in ways none of us can."

Legolas hesitated, but then nodded. He turned to Kíli again. "What do you need us to do?"

Kíli shrugged. "I… I don't really know. Maybe I should take some of that potion she drank?"

The she-elf jumped in again. "No," she said firmly. "I strongly advise against that. We have no way of knowing what effect it might have on your body. Wait here. I think I might have something else that suits the purpose."

Legolas frowned. "Would it not be much more efficient if you simply went to sleep?"

"Not to be rude," Kíli replied, "but I'm afraid I would find it difficult to relax sufficiently given the... circumstances."

"A dwarf who does not meant to be rude," Legolas muttered to himself but then nodded to the other elf, who quickly left the room. Kíli and Legolas were left to stare at each other over Tauriel's sleeping form.

"Who is she?" Kíli asked, inclining his head towards the door through which the young she-elf had just left.

"Her name is Nimwen. She is one of our healers. We can trust her."

Kíli nodded and they both fell silent again.

"Why did you not mention this to me before?" Legolas asked suddenly. Kíli did not have to ask him what he was referring to.

He looked down at Tauriel, remembering what her skin had felt like beneath in hands in his dreams, how they had taken all the time in the world to explore each other's bodies, always finding new ways to express their passion for one another. "It is... private," Kíli said to Legolas, hoping that his face would not betray the thoughts that went through his mind.

Legolas did not look entirely happy with that, but let the subject rest for now. After a few more minutes of tense silence, the door opened and Nimwen slipped back inside. She strode directly towards a small table which held a cup and a jug filled with water. She poured some water into the cup and added a few drops from a small flask that she had brought with her.

Crosing over to Kíli, she handed him the cup. "Drink this. It should allow you to fall asleep swiftly without clouding your mind too much."

Kíli lifted the cup and smelled the now bright green liquid. He recoiled when a stinging odor entered his nose. "Are you sure that this is meant to be swallowed? Smells like it will dissolve my insides."

Nimwen chuckled softly. "It is perfectly safe. Just… try to keep it down."

Kíli's eyebrows shot up and he frowned skeptically at the cup in his hand. Then he looked at Tauriel once more and, with a shrug, downed the whole cup with one large gulp.

The sensation was excruciating—it felt as if his body was being turned inside out. Kíli clutched at his stomach, breathing in ragged gasps. He gagged and Nimwen rushed to his side, soothingly running her hand up and down his back. "It will be over in a second," she said. "Just hold out for a little while."

He managed to stare at her in disbelief, but, after another few seconds, the pain really did begin to ebb away. Kíli's breathing slowed when he began to feel the effect of the tincture, his limbs growing heavier with every heartbeat. The bed suddenly looked extremely inviting. With some effort, he lowered himself onto the soft mattress and lay down beside Tauriel, facing her sleeping form.

Before he lost all control over his muscles, he pulled the runestone out of one of his pockets. Reaching for Tauriel's left hand, he entwined his fingers with hers, the stone now resting between their palms. Sleep came to claim him and he embraced it with his whole being.