Chapter XVIII

Kíli stepped out of the tree line, cold wind biting at his cheeks. It felt good to get out of the forest again after so many days, to let his gaze roam across the lands in front of him. Tauriel had shown him a side to the forest he would not have seen for himself, had taught him that beyond the mysterious, often stifling atmosphere of Mirkwood also lay great beauty and life. But still, he was now extremely glad to have reached its borders.

To the north lay an impressive chain of mountains which Kíli knew to be the Grey Mountains. He followed them west with his eyes, but saw nothing of great consequence, no settlements or any sign of inhabitation. He turned his head to look into the opposite direction and felt his heart clench painfully when his eyes fell upon the Lonely Mountain in the distance.

Tauriel stepped up behind him and laid her hand on his shoulder. Following his gaze, she spoke quietly. "We can still change our plans, you know. I am sure there has to be a way for you to mend fences with your family."

He reached up to cover her hand with his. "I want to do what is best for the both of us. Do you really think you could be happy living amongst dwarves below a huge mountain? Dwarves who would eye you with wariness or, worse, outright animosity?"

Tauriel remained silent for a few seconds. In a low voice she then said, "I could try. For you I would."

He turned around and put his arms around her waist, drawing her closer. Tilting his head back, he looked up at her. "No, I would not want that for you. We will go ahead and build a new life for us, one in which we can both be happy. And this cannot happen at Erebor."

She smiled down at him and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. "I just don't want you to regret that choice. Now it might not be too late yet to go back."

Kíli shook his head. "I will not regret it, I promise. The only thing I would indeed regret, would be making you unhappy. We'll continue west and cross the Misty Mountains into Eriador. And then, maybe…" he trailed off, hesitating to voice what had been on his mind for several days now.

Tauriel nudged him. "What is it that you are thinking of? Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"I... I would like to travel to Ered Luin first. See my mother, let her know I am alright."

"Oh," Tauriel said, clearly surprised.

"I wouldn't want to stay there," Kíli added quickly. "Just, you know, stop by. I estimate she and many others will be relocating to Erebor soon anyway."

She smiled then and nodded. "I understand. That is what we will do." She paused. "I just wonder if your mother's wrath at your decision won't be even worse than that of your uncle."

Kíli grimaced. In his head, he could already hear Dís yell at him. "I suppose I'll just have to wait and see. In any way, I cannot simply leave her wondering what happened to me, if I'm still alive. That would not be fair."

"No, it would not," she agreed. "I suppose that means we have a proper plan now."

He smiled at her, amazed at the fact that, considering the very odd circumstances, they were really doing remarkably well. "Do you think we should go any further today?"

She thought this over for a moment. "No. Let us make camp here. It is not as if we are in a great hurry. Tomorrow we can begin our journey west. I suggest we stay close to the tree line, inside the forest. I don't know of much activity around this side of the forest, but it cannot hurt to stay out of sight."

"I agree," Kíli said and followed her a couple of feet back into the forest, resisting the urge to glance over his shoulder at the Lonely Mountain once more. For the past two days, the sensation of being watched had not returned, nor had they come across any signs of life aside from harmless animals. But he was still slightly on edge and could not quite shake the feeling that their peace would not last for that much longer.

"Do you want to build a fire?" Tauriel asked, putting down her pack next to a tree. "I can scout the area, make sure there is no one around."

Kíli nodded in agreement, then smiled all little sheepishly. "Don't stray too far."

She returned his smile and came over to kiss him, her soft lips promising that there were more caresses to follow later. "I won't."

Kíli grinned after her as she disappeared between the trees, thinking that he truly was a lucky lad. In high spirits, he set about building a small fire, making sure that it would not attract the attention of anyone traversing the lands beyond the forest.

After a few minutes, he became aware of a rustling in the bushes behind him. Kneeling in front of the fire he was still trying to light, he tensed. His instincts told him that this was not Tauriel—right from the start he had been quite good at recognizing her presence and if anything he had gotten much better at that during those last few days. Reaching for his sword on the ground beside him, he took a couple of deep breaths, listening for any sounds coming from behind. When he heard the snapping of a twig, he pushed himself up and spun around, ready to throw himself at whoever was lurking in the bushes.

When his eyes focused on a person stepping out of the undergrowth, it took Kíli's brain a moment to realize who this was. When he did, he dropped his sword. "Fíli," he exclaimed, his voice hoarse.

The blond dwarf stared back at him, the expression on his face unreadable. "Brother," he half whispered.

The two young dwarf princes moved simultaneously, quickly closing the gap between them. Kíli raised his arms and embraced his older brother, clutching him to his chest, feeling unexpected tears form in the corners of his eyes. Fíli returned his hug with equal fervor, holding Kíli in a tight, almost desperate grasp. Then he drew back and punched him right in his face.

Kíli's head snapped back from the impact of his brother's fist and he immediately clutched his nose, feeling blood begin to flow. Stars were swimming in front of his eyes, but his vision was still good enough to observe Fíli swing his arm, attempting another punch, and then freeze suddenly, an arrow pointed at his head.

Still cradling his nose, Kili lifted his left hand and gestured for Tauriel, who had appeared out of nowhere and was now fixing his brother with angry, narrowed eyes, to lower her bow. "It's alright," he mumbled, spitting on the ground to get rid of the blood that was starting to pool inside his mouth. "I probably deserved that."

"You sure did, you idiot," Fíli replied, staring at him in anger for another few seconds, breathing heavily. When he appeared to have calmed down a little, he looked at Tauriel, who had lowered her bow, but was still regarding him with wariness in her eyes, and then back at his younger brother. "So it is true," Fíli said.

"What is?" Kíli returned, his voice muffled behind the hand still pressed to his face. When Fíli did not reply immediately, he added, "And aren't you supposed to be in Lake-town?"

His brother huffed. "Aren't you supposed to be at Erebor?"

Kíli looked down at the ground. He felt Tauriel draw closer to him and was grateful to know she was there, sensing her sympathy and her support despite her obvious hesitation to display any physical affection in front of his brother. He drew a fortifying breath. "I am sorry, Fíli" he said. "I know it wasn't right what I did. But I had no choice."

"No choice!" Fíli exclaimed, his eyes widened in disbelief. "No choice but to leave your family behind in the middle of the night, without saying one word? For all we knew you were dead, Kíli, killed by a bloodthirsty orc or something equally foul."

Kíli had to avert his gaze again, the guilt that he had tried to push to the back of his mind during those last few days threatening to overwhelm him. Tauriel seemed to sense how he felt and took yet another step closer, putting her hand on his shoulder to comfort him, to give him strength. He smiled up at her gratefully and then, finally, dared to look his brother in the eye once more. "Look, I know you cannot understand this and I do not expect you to appreciate what I have done. But if you ever knew me at all, you have to accept that I made a choice and that this cannot be undone. I truly am sorry though that things turned out the way they did. Leaving you behind was the hardest thing I ever did."

Now it was Fíli's turn to stare at the ground. He did not speak for a few moments. When he did, it was with great sadness in his voice. "I'm sorry, too. I was not there for you when you needed me most, did not listen to you when I should have. I was… lost myself, I suppose."

Kíli took a hesitant step towards his brother. "But you are better now?" he asked, looking at Fíli intently. He sure did seem imroved compared to when Kíli had last seen him. The scarring on his face had grown paler and his spirits did not strike Kíli as sinister as during their last encounter in the halls of Erebor.

"Aye," Fili replied. It seemed as if there was more that he was going to say, but he fell silent, averting his gaze. "Are you?" he finally said, glancing up at Kíli.

Kíli reached for Tauriel's hand and squeezed it, smiling at her before looking back at his brother. "You could say that," he simply replied.

When he noticed Fíli averting his gaze once more, obviously uncomfortable with the closeness between the two of them, he stepped away from Tauriel, shooting her an apologetic glance. "So, what did happen? After I left? Why aren't you with the people of Lake-town?" he asked Fíli, trying to change the topic and satisfy his curiosity simultaneously.

Fíli fixed his eyes onto the Lonely Mountain, the silhouette of which was just visible through the trees. "Thorin was furious when he discovered your absence of course," he said. "Accused me of all kinds of things, but I managed to convince him that I had nothing to do with your disappearance. In the end, he and I agreed that you had in all likelihood not been taken against your will, but had left of your own accord. If I had truly believed that you were in trouble, I would have come after you right away." He frowned, staring at the tips of his boots for a moment." But as it was, I did go to Lake-town, after all," he finally continued. "I was hurt and angry, told myself that if you could just run me off to do whatever pleased you, so might I."

Kíli bit his lip, shame at having caused his brother so much grief twisting his gut. Fíli continued.

"After a few days at Lake-town, though, I realized that this simply would not do. I swore to our mother—and to myself, for that matter—that I would look after you. And so I decided to return to Erebor, to tell Thorin that I would ride after you and bring you back. But what I found when I arrived there was very unsettling."

Kíli frowned, a vague sense of dread causing his blood to run cold. "Why? What is going on?"

Fíli looked at him then, the expression on his face one of worry and pain. "You were right, Kíli."

"About what?"

"When you told me you were worried about Thorin, worried about him changing. He is not who he used to be anymore. I should have taken your concerns more seriously, should have paid more attention to what you were trying to tell me."

Kíli stepped closer to his brother, putting a hand on his shoulder. Through the thick fur of his coat, he could feel Fíli tremble. Never had he been less happy to have been right. "What happened?"

"I can't really say," Fíli replied. "Thorin— he has always been very strong in his opinions and made his decisions accordingly, you know that. We all knew that. But lately he has become downright cruel, pushing for measures that would hurt others."

Kíli squeezed his brother's shoulder. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"I stayed at Erebor for another few days, hoping to have some kind of influence over him. I was afraid that he would soon do something that would disrupt the alliances we have formed recently, destroy the peace."

"What happened that made you leave?" Kíli asked, sensing that there was more to come.

Fíli looked at the ground, frowning. "A couple of days ago, Thorin suddenly seemed better, acting like his usual self again. But that lasted only briefly. He—" Fíli broke off, taking a deep breath. "I don't really know what happened. He seemed to have some sort of fit and ever since he has slipped in and out of consciousness, speaking of the strangest things whenever he is awake."

"What kind of things?" Kíli pressed on.

"It's… it's as if he is not really there when he is awake, as if he is seeing things that none of us can see, struggling with invisible forces. I think something has taken hold of his mind. Some kind of sickness."

Kíli stepped closer and leaned his forehead against his brother's, horrified ny what he had just been told. Suddenly Tauriel spoke up from behind. "From what you just said, it seems as if your uncle is struggling against this sickness. Maybe it is not too late yet to bring him back."

Fíli lifted his head and stared at her, his expression filled with hesitation and distrust. "Yes, maybe. But I don't know how." He looked back at Kíli. "In any way, I believe that you should be there. He needs his family now. I need you."

Kíli nodded grimly. Then he frowned, remembering something. "How did you find me so quickly?"

Fíli snorted. "I just knew that you would have done something foolish such as walk right into Mirkwood. I never figured out what exactly it was that you were up to in the days before the battle, but I knew that it had something to do with… you know…" he hesitated and then gestured awkwardly between Kíli and Tauriel, who both blushed a little. "I was prepared to do anything to get you back, even if that meant walking back into the halls of that mad Elvenking. Sorry, no offense," he said to Tauriel, who merely inclined her head and smiled.

"Luckily, before I got there, I ran into that whacky wizard—the one with bird droppings all over his head."

Kiki raised his eyebrows. "Radagast?"

"Aye, that's the one. Anyway, he told me he had seen a dwarf and an elf-maid somewhere in the northern part of the forest. He also told me a couple of other things I did most decidedly not want to hear and which am not going to repeat now."

Kíli dropped his gaze and felt his face flush. He heard Tauriel give a small, mortified groan. So it was Radagast who had been watching them a couple of days ago. Had been watching them for quite a while, as it seemed.

Fíli chuckled, obviously enjoying their discomfort. "I followed his lead, hoping to catch up with you. And here I am."

Kíli nodded, digesting all the information he had just received. So things were not as easy as he had pictured them in his mind after all. Their past seemed to be reluctant to let them go. He looked at Tauriel who was leaning with her back against a tree, her arms crossed in front of her body, regarding him with worry and sympathy.

"I have to go," he said apologetically. It had taken them so long to determine what they were going to do and now that they finally had, everything was falling apart once again, the path in front of them rearranging itself without them being able to do anything about it but to stand by and watch. And he could not suppress a slight feeling of disappointment as he saw the future they had painted for themselves during those past few days slowly drift away, out of reach for the time being. Reality had plunged its claws into their flesh once more, pulling them to where it wanted to have them.

"I know," his love replied, and he could see a small trace of that same disappointment in her eyes. But she blinked it away swiftly and was all business when she said, "I suggest we leave right away. It will be dark soon and that will make it less risky to travel across open land instead of taking the longer route through the forest."

Kíli nodded in agreement and set about gathering his things. His brother, however, stood rooted to the spot and blinked at Tauriel in surprise. "You're coming with us?"

Both Kíli and Tauriel looked at him perplexedly.

"I—well, yes," Tauriel said.

"Where I go, she goes as well," Kíli added, daring his brother to contradict him with his eyes. "That is how it will be from now on." Get used to it.

Fíli sighed, looking at his younger brother with a mixture of exasperation, worry, and maybe also a tiny bit of admiration. "Fine." He narrowed his eyes at Tauriel. "Just don't slow us down."

Striding past her, he headed for the edge of the forest, leaving her to stare after him in amusement.

Kíli rolled his eyes. "Don't mind him. He'll come around eventually." Approaching her, he took one of her hands in his and looked at her intently. "Are you quite certain you are alright with this?"

She smiled, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "You are doing the right thing. We will get through this, together."

Kíli raised her hand to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to her knuckles. He was so glad to have her at his side now, to have someone who understood him so deeply that he did not even have to voice what troubled him most of the time. She always seemed to know.

She leaned forward to kiss him, but was interrupted by Fíli yelling, "What's the hold up?"

They both rolled their eyes at that, but then hurried to retrieve their packs from the ground. Kíli took Tauriel's hand in his, lacing their fingers tightly together. "Ready?" he asked.

"As ready as I'll ever be," she replied, and together they stepped out of Mirkwood, prepared to face whatever obstacles fate might have in store for them next.