Author's Note: I have made a significant revision to the second half of the last chapter (Chapter XXV), and I added a scene that I forgot to write the first time. I strongly urge you to take a look at it, for it gives a resolution to Kopa and Vitani's Water Hole incident.
For the Confused Matthew review here, I had to censor the swear words he says because really, I can only push this T rating so far.
Also, I decided to cut out certain parts of the review so they'd only comment on certain things, because not only can I not stand having to type out every single word of that review here, but also because I don't want this to go on for too long and I can't make a good joke out of every line in it, so the review will be somewhat abridged. I will mostly be covering the most important parts of what he says and the sections that personally pissed me off the most, since doing the entire thing would just be a waste of time for me. I hope you enjoy, and please review!
Chapter XXVI
Kiara was the first one to rouse from her sleep the next morning as the sun gracefully cast its serene, golden light upon the kingdom for another morning. However, the sunlight was not what woke her from her peaceful slumber. With her ears twitching, she could faintly hear soft footsteps approaching her spot in the grass from behind where she slept. Hearing this, her eyes flickered open and her head rose up. Glancing around for a moment, she found herself pressed up warmly against Kovu there on the kopje beneath the tree, with her paws resting upon his chest. He was lying on his back, still breathing peacefully with his eyes shut. Just as the lioness stretched out a bit and mentally recollected what had happened the night before, she could hear that the footsteps were getting louder and closer to where they were.
Resisting the urge to yawn, Kiara turned her head and looked behind her. And just ahead of her, she saw her father calmly walking towards her and Kovu through the savannah grasses. Immediately when she saw this, Kiara looked back over to Kovu and gently nudged him with her muzzle, shaking his body gently before rousing him from his comfortable sleep. The lion yawned before his eyes began to open, with his mate being the very first thing he saw. Kovu smiled.
"Good morning, Kiara." He said tiredly, though with a clearly romantic tone in his voice remembering vividly what had happened the night before. Kiara smiled at him. Glancing behind her again, she said to her mate as calmly as she could,
"I think someone's here to see us."
Not knowing what she meant at first, Kovu gave her an odd look before he turned his gaze over her shoulder and saw, of all people, Simba coming towards them hardly ten feet away now. His eyes widened for a second upon realizing what position he was in with Kiara right then, but he quickly returned to his calm state from before, remembering what his own sister had told him the night before. Even though he was somewhat afraid, he had confidence that her words would apply here. Kovu simply smiled as Simba walked right up to them now, hoping for the best as to what he was going to say.
The king took a moment to observe both of their positions against one another before taking a deep breath which almost sounded more like a yawn.
"Good morning you two." He said before pausing. Even though he could easily guess what the answer was going to be, he still asked them "What are you doing out here? You weren't back in the den."
Kiara opened her mouth to speak to her father, but Kovu said it before she could. "Well Simba, let's just say that... I don't think Vitani's the only one with cubs on the way now."
It took Simba a moment to muse those words and understand what they meant, but he got it after a couple of seconds, his guesses proving accurate. Upon seeing his eyes widen, Kovu suddenly winced and prepared himself for the worst now expecting his father-in-law to rage. Kiara was also admittedly alarmed at what the response was going to be as well, and she rose her body up a bit.
"Father..." She started. But before the lioness could say a thing, Simba did the unexpected: He smiled earnestly and nodded in an approving way. Kovu opened his one eye to see what he was doing, and instantly he became confused. He realized Simba had figured out what was going on now.
"Well congratulations, you two." He said sincerely, looking at Kovu specifically. "I was beginning to wonder when it would happen."
Kovu grew an absolutely dumbfounded expression on his face, hardly able to believe what he was hearing. This had to be too good to be true. Finally moving around for a moment, Kiara got up off of him and he tiredly stood up on all fours in front of Simba with an odd expression.
"What?" He asked. "You... you really think that?"
Simba chuckled to himself before replying, "Of course, Kovu. I'm absolutely glad for you both... I was actually hoping you would get around to it sooner or later."
The king's daughter and son-in-law both looked each other in the eye now, their worried looks disappearing completely. They realized right then that what they had hoped for had worked. Simba approved.
Kovu took a step over to Kiara and passionately nuzzled her, not caring in the slightest that Simba was watching. He licked her cheek gently, making her giggle to herself in happiness. A moment passed before they looked back over to Simba with very caring expressions on their faces.
"Thank you, father..." Kiara said. Simba nodded. He looked his daughter in the eye with the warmest smile Kiara had ever seen him with in her life, and he gently stroked the back of her head with his paw. "You'll always be my little girl, Kiara. I'll be there for you when the time comes. We all will be."
"So will I, Simba." Kovu said, making it clear he was almost ready to cry of joy. Simba turned his attention to him.
"Vitani told me what you said to her last night, Kovu." The king said turning to him, his tone becoming a bit more serious. "I had no idea you wanted to wait because you still felt bad about the ambush. And even though I thank you for being so considerate about it... you didn't have to do that."
Kovu perked up when he heard this, now listening listening intently at Simba's words.
"Really?"
"You were just being paranoid. I would've been fine if you'd wanted your own cub sooner."
Kovu then took the chance to ask him, "Then why did you do what you did when we first mentioned it to you?"
Simba took a deep breath before he replied bowing his head, "Ah, I was just in a bad mood at the time. I didn't get enough sleep that night and I wasn't thinking straight... I've been meaning to apologize for how I acted. Can you forgive me for that?"
Kiara and Kovu both nodded approvingly, smiling sincerely at him. "Yes, father." Kiara answered.
"Yeah, it's all right, Simba." Kovu added.
And with that, Simba came up to the happy couple and placed both of his paws on either of their shoulders, embracing them warmly. They did the same, and a very tender moment passed between the three of them there with the sunrise out in the distance. There was no question or doubt towards it now: Kovu and Kiara were going to be parents.
"I'm so happy for you two." Simba said sincerely and from the bottom of his heart, holding back tears. Then the king looked fondly upon his son-in-law. "Kovu, I know for sure you'll succeed as father to my daughter's cubs." He said kindly and fatherly. "That morning when you were there for Kiara when she needed it... that's how I know. If you do even half as good with them now as you did then with her that day, then I'm confident they'll all grow to be strong and noble lions or lionesses. You have my faith, Kovu."
"Thank you, Simba." He replied as he embraced him sincerely. "I'll do everything I can for them. And... sorry about the misunderstanding."
"It's all right. I understand, but you didn't have to wait just for me. You two are married, I knew this would happen from day one. It's your choice, not mine."
These words lingered through Kovu's mind a while after that, remembering how Vitani had said the same thing to him the night before. He smiled.
"I'm ready for it, father." Kiara said. Simba looked down to his daughter, and briefly but earnestly contemplated the wonderful idea of his own offspring becoming a mother herself.
"I know you are." He replied.
Then Kovu looked away from the two of them for a moment as he thought to himself, Won't be long before the mood swings set in, though.
A while later, Simba, Kiara and Kovu walked back into the den of Pride Rock, now fully awake with the rising sun to their backs. Happiness filled their thoughts now that Simba had officially given them his personal approval to become parents. Not that they needed it to begin with, but it felt good to know he too wanted it to happen. However, from the moment they walked back inside, they could tell right off the bat that something was already wrong. They were caught off guard when they saw Timon had the laptop opened already and he was sitting in front of it with his arms folded against his chest, glaring angrily at the screen in absolute silence. Kiara was the first one to react.
"Timon? What're you doing on there so early?"
The meerkat gave no reply while he was still motionless.
"Timon?" Simba said, once again with no reply.
Beginning to become concerned at his lack of response, Kiara stepped away from Simba and Kovu and went forth to Timon's side of the laptop, looking at the screen for any indication as to why he was silent. But when she did, she gave it a dumbfounded look. The lioness saw that he was on a very different website than any of them had seen before, and it looked as though something had just finished playing out on it. She grew confused when she saw strange human text below a large black rectangle to the screen's center.
"Timon... what is this?" She asked him with a confused tone apparent in her voice. It was here that Timon finally looked up to her and exhaled loudly, looking her straight in the eye.
"Get everyone up. Now." He said firmly.
Simba and Kovu stepped over to him at that time, looking more concerned than confused right then. "Timon? What's going on?" Simba asked.
"Get everybody else up, Simba. Something unprecedented has come up." He replied sharply.
"Is it a new fanfic?" Kovu asked.
Timon shook his head. "Far from it, kid. But I can tell you if it was, it would make Lion of the Rings look like Lord of the Rings."
That was enough to get the lion's attention, even though he didn't have a clue in hell what it was Timon had just named by replacing 'lion' with 'lord'.
From there, Simba, Kovu and Kiara made an effort to awake the rest of their family members from their deep sleep. Kopa was the first one they awoke, followed by Nala, Vitani, and finally Pumbaa. Each of them woke up with confused looks and gestures upon them, but when they saw Timon sitting in front of the laptop, they could tell it had something to do with the fan base once more.
Yawning and stretching themselves out, they prepared for the next day of fan works while the huntress lionesses all awoke as well. Ten minutes passed before all twenty were ready for that day's hunt. But a select few of them woke up in an irritated mood and wanted to know right then and there what the business with the laptop was like Minara promised. She was the last of the lionesses to rise from her sleep, and almost immediately she was swarmed by her fellow huntresses asking for answers.
Standing up, Minara stretched herself out and walked forth to the den's exit, where all of the others followed while chattering amongst themselves, speculating what Minara was going to tell them. As Minara listened to all of their quarrels, she finally said,
"All right, I'll explain on the way to the hunting grounds. Now tell me first... do any of you like the idea of having fans?"
And with that, the den of Pride Rock emptied out rather quick compared to some other mornings, leaving only the six listeners, Timon, and Pumbaa left inside to settle around the laptop. Each of them did right then, as they sat down in a semi-circle around the computer in exactly the same places they did the day before. Most of them yawned tiredly from being woken up earlier than usual.
"Okay, what is this, Timon?" Vitani asked tiredly after she yawned. "You'd better have a damn good reason for getting us up so early for this."
Timon shook his head. "I wouldn't call this good, Vitani. But it is a reason, I'll give you that."
Nala yawned, already guessing what this was about. "What's the story about this time? Who has sex with who and why?"
Timon replied, "Oh no, Nala. This ain't a story this time. This is actually about one of the actual movies they made off you guys."
That seemed to get their attention. For quite some time now all of them had been rather curious about those movies since they were the world's only way of knowing what happened with them. They did in fact want to know what they were like.
"What's it about?"
Timon paused before he answered, "Well... before we start this, let me get something straight now... it's about the first movie they made off you all, and it's one of the most loved and celebrated things in the world. Almost everybody loves it, just keep that in mind for this."
"What about the second one they made?" Kiara asked curiously, remembering that it told her side of the story with the Outsiders.
"Well..." He reluctantly started. "It's definitely not as loved by everyone, and it's absolutely had its fair share of heat... but all around it's still pretty popular around the fan base."
He shook his head. "But that's not what this is about, Kiara. Right now we're dealing with something that I already know all of you are going to hate. I know none of you were expecting it, but then again neither was I... we've gotta get it off our chests now."
Simba opened his mouth to once again ask what it was, but this time Pumbaa answered as he sat behind the laptop looking down at the screen. "It's called an Internet video. It's moving pictures of someone talking about the first movie they made off of you guys. They call it a review."
"In its loosest possible form here." Timon muttered.
Generally getting the idea, most of them nodded. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Kopa whispered to Vitani. She sneered,
"Probably because this is Timon we're talking about here."
The meerkat sighed. "Get ready to be more pissed off at this than you'll ever be at anything ever."
And after a moment of disgusted hesitation, he clicked the 'play' button on the video review of The Lion King, where all of the watchers could get their first glimpse into what moving pictures really looked like for humans. From here on out, every time someone would have something to say, Timon would pause the video. After the intro, the first lines were said by a man who sounded to be in his mid twenties.
I've hated The Lion King from the moment I first saw it as a kid.
"And we're already in trouble." Kiara said.
"Whoa, what?!" Simba shouted suddenly, caught completely off guard by those words. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? I thought you said most people loved it!"
Timon shook his head. "Not this guy, Simba." He unpaused.
I left the theatre back then completely astounded by what Disney had done to their once flawless succession of films
"Disney made other movies too?" Nala asked, remembering the name of the company just then. Timon nodded.
"Yeah, Nala. You guys aren't the only exclusive people to ever be done by them... even though some fans would probably like it that way."
and instantly predicted that this would be a phenomenal flop.
"How would a little kid be able to think like that about a movie?" Kiara asked curiously. "Kids don't usually get that kind of impression so young, do they?"
Timon shook his head, which prompted Kopa to add, "Yeah, that sounds pretty sketchy to me too."
Timon muttered to himself, "Just wait until you see the rest of this, then."
I mean, no one could actually like this film, right? What's there to like? Suffice to say I was completely wrong. The film was a huge hit and it has a tremendous fan base even to this day. I've never been so dumbfounded by a bad movie's success in all of my life. Not even after Star Trek Generations.
"What?" Simba suddenly cut in. "Star... Trek... Generations?" He tried to say, the name sounding totally foreign to him. "Is that a thing for the humans?"
Timon turned around and faced Simba before answering, "Yeah, take out the word 'generations' and you've got a fan base so huge, it puts us to shame."
Simba shuddered at the thought if their own fan base's size was anything to go by.
This film does not deserve any of the success or accolades its received. It deserves to be completely ignored.
Vitani groaned loudly. "Yeah, I can already tell this is going to be fun." She said sarcastically.
Moreover it should be ignored. Because when you make a s**tty film popular, you give writers and studio executives the impression that you want to see s**tty films. And they're usually more than happy to deliver on this.
"You mind giving us a reason why you think that now?" Kovu commented. "Just tell us what happens already!"
So with this review, I am going to demonstrate just how awful this film truly was. I will demonstrate that, with the possible exception of the animation, the film has no redeeming quality at all.
"Hey, sounds like this review already." Kopa said with a snicker.
It is in fact horrible. And maybe, just maybe, I can prevent another film like this from ever being produced and we can all live in a world where only good movies become successful.
"Did he really just say that?" Simba said loudly. "Okay, I don't know a thing about the human world yet, but I already know that things must not work like that for them!"
Timon nodded. "They don't."
"Well that's just stupid." Kiara added. "That's like how a little kid would talk, then!"
"I'm surprised this guy isn't one." Kovu added.
From here on out, the video review would show stills from the film that would correspond with each scene he talked about.
So the films opens up with the one and only good song in it.
"Whoa! Whoa, time out, stop the video!" Nala said standing up. "You mean to tell me that he hated most of our songs?"
Timon replied, "Yep, basically."
"Oh, because that's not insulting at all to all of us!" Kovu said sarcastically.
"I can't believe this." Nala said sitting down. "He hated Can You Feel the Love Tonight? Our song?"
That last part she said looking to Simba, who simply shook his head in disbelief. "This is going to be a long video."
It's here that we see little Simba, the noble young prince who will one day become king of this majestic land. Aww, isn't he cute?
They could tell that last remark was one of sarcasm, but this time Nala spoke about something other than the video itself. She smiled at the paused screen.
"Is that what you looked like as a baby, Simba?" She cooed in her mate's direction. Simba just blushed.
"You looked adorable!" Kiara commented. Kovu leaned into her and whispered, "Guess that's what our cubs are going to look like then."
"In that case, I want to have them even more now."
Kopa just groaned.
The opening scene closes, we learn that Scar is pissed off about the kid's birth, then we jump a ways in time to when Simba is a little kid. It's here that we really meet Simba for the first time and... well, let me give you a quick synopsis of how we're introduced to this character: Come on dad, let's go do what I want to do! No dad you're sleeping, that's not what I want to do! Get up and let's go do what I want to do! I want to do it now! Now now now now now! Come on! Get up, get up, get up and let's do what I want to do right now!
It was here in the video that the true anger Timon was talking about was officially starting to set in for each of them as they listened to him mock Simba with an intentionally whiny voice. Simba growled,
"I was not like that on that day!" He protested. "I was only a little kid, I had a hell of a lot more energy than I do now!"
"Doesn't he know most kids are like that?" Nala questioned. "I should know, I've raised two of them!"
"I think it's safe to say this is officially going to suck now." Vitani added.
As soon as I saw this scene, I was sure I had this film pegged. I know exactly what this film is gonna be about, I thought. It's gonna turn out that Mufasa has two sons.
"What?!" Simba screamed suddenly. "You freaking idiot, how the hell did you come to that?! I never had a brother or a sister! I don't care how the movie must've shown it, there is no way you could possibly think he had two sons from that!"
Nala shook her head in disbelief. "You know, Simba... normally I would tell you to calm down about this sort of thing... but I'm actually just as pissed as you are now."
"So say we all, mom!" Kopa said unenthusiastically.
One is this little s**t bag and the other is gonna be a kind, noble character who cares about someone other than himself, wants to rule this kingdom well, and he's gonna have to do everything he can to make sure that this little s**t never gets his paws on power.
It took Simba all of his self control not to scream out loud at such an insult towards himself. And here, the anger towards the review was really beginning to show on everyone's faces.
"You know, just because he acts that was as a kid doesn't mean he's gonna be like that his whole life!" Kopa said defensively.
"And besides" Kiara added with irritation. "Why is it that seeing one day with my father like that is going to define who he is for the rest of his life? People can change! He changed, Kovu changed, I changed!"
This is the first of my biggest problems with this whole film. Simba, our supposed hero and protagonist, is an a**hole! I mean, he doesn't listen to anyone, he's not very nice, he treats everyone around him like s**t, and he only cares about himself.
"You liar!" Nala called out this time. "Simba was incredibly nice when we were kids, especially to me! When we talked, he'd listen! When we got chased by the hyenas and I was about to get eaten, he came after me and then slashed one in the face to get them away from me! How the hell is that only caring about himself?!"
"I've lost all hope in this video." Vitani said flatly. "Before, it sucked. But now this is just making things up. I wasn't even alive at the same time Simba was a kid, and even I know he wasn't like that!"
"If anything, that's how Scar was!" Nala said, nodding to her daughter-in-law.
"So he criticizes a child for acting like a child... genius." Kovu added flatly.
It took them a moment after that rant to calm down so Timon could continue the video. In it, he said in a mocking impression,
When I'm king I'm gonna do everything my way, this place is going to be dedicated to loving me and doing what I want to do. And if you don't like it, then you're fired you d**kface!
"Wow, that was a perfect impression of Zira!" Kovu said mockingly, which got a few laughs from the others before Timon un-paused once more.
When I think of the heroes in the last three Disney films, I can see that they all had something in common: They were all genuinely good people who had lots of hopes and dreams, and they cared about the people in their lives. I'll tell you the one character who instantly reminded me of Simba: Draco Malfoy from the Harry Potter series.
Timon paused the video himself right here as he angrily took a deep breath, groaning to himself. Glancing back, he said,
"If you guys knew what he was talking about right there, you'd want to drown yourselves right now, I swear to God."
So as I said we're introduced to Simba by way of him rudely waking both his parents up out of a nice rest, and him headbutting his own father in the face.
"You know what's really ironic about what he just said there?" Timon started. "He reviews this other movie called Finding Nemo, which is one of his favorite movies by the way, and at the start of that a little kid body slams his dad out of his sleep. Not headbutting, but body slamming him."
Each of them just shook their heads in pity. "Uh yeah, great logic there. What a hypocrite." Kiara muttered.
Instead of beating his ass and going back to sleep like he rightly should have, his father obliges and takes him on a tour of the kingdom. He begins instructing his son on some very important moral lessons, but because Simba's an a**hole he's not really paying much attention. In fact the only thing that really gets his attention is when he learns that there'll be more to being king than just getting his way all the time. Not if Simba has anything to say about it!
The real Simba stood up with an absolutely enraged look on his face, and he shouted right at the laptop's screen,
"Aaaagh! That wasn't how it was you prick! I was paying attention when he spoke, I wanted to know how to be a good king! I was listening well before he said there's more to being king than getting your way! Hell, the only time I stopped paying attention was when he started talking to Zazu about the morning report and was talking to him instead of me!"
It was clear that hearing this person talk about himself and his father like this was a sensitive thing for him to hear, and no one could blame him in the least. The lion breathed intensely as Kopa added, "If you were a little kid and you knew you were going to be king of a freaking kingdom, you'd feel pretty goddamned privileged too! And besides, he wasn't like that forever! Even if it weren't for Scar, my father would've grown out of that eventually. I sure as hell did!... even if I had to go through a near death experience to do that, but still!"
Kiara commented, "Can we shut this off now? This guy's giving me indigestion."
Timon shook his head. "No can do, princess. We started it, we finish it. I told you already, this needs to be addressed."
The lioness groaned in annoyance, unsure of how much longer she'd be able to put up with hearing her father insulted like this.
Another thing that gets his attention is when Mufasa tells him he must never go to a certain place in the kingdom.
"Oh Christ, he's going to talk about that now?!" Nala said placing a paw on her face, rightfully dreading what the reaction could be.
Simba talks to his uncle about this who lets it slip that this place is an Elephant Graveyard, and also tells Simba not to go there. Naturally because he's an a**hole, he defies both of his elders and decides to go anyway.
"I was curious about what was out there!" The real Simba screamed. "I'll repeat: I was a little kid! I did! Not! Know better!"
"And is it just me", Kovu started. "Or do you think maybe he did that because no one told him why the Elephant Graveyard was off limits? I know no one told him why, so really it'd be weird for him not go and sneak off!"
He turned to Kiara. "Hell, I snuck off to the Pride Lands' borders that day we met because no one told me what was so bad about it! I never paid attention to my mother when she ranted about you and Simba, and look how that turned out!"
The lioness nodded as she rested her head on his mane, remembering briefly that day when they met by total accident. Even then she considered it fate that Kovu was in the place he was that day.
So he goes to find Nala and also finds his mom there, who decides to give him a bath. Mom, you're messing up my mane!... I'll mess your face up you little s**t.
"Yeah, real mature." Kovu sneered.
"Agggh!" Simba growled. "Would you stop insulting me already?! Get on with the rest of the movie, you've been doing nothing but talking about me for seven minutes and how much I sucked! I was just a lit-"
He trailed off at that last part, taking a deep breath. "You know what? I've said it too many times, I'm not gonna say it again."
He placed the side of his head against Nala, clearly growing more and more aggravated at the video with each passing second. Nala could tell her mate was going to need her comfort very soon.
Anyway, when she asks where they're both going, Simba lies to his own mother's face and tells her they're going to the Water Hole... you know, because he's an a**hole.
"Oh for God sakes, would you shut up about him being that?!" Kiara said. "Every kid does that at some point!"
Kopa decided to add, "I know I did when I said I didn't touch the paints in Rafiki's tree back when I was little!"
Kovu and Kiara gave him a blank stare. "You did what now?" his brother-in-law asked. Kopa sighed. "Nothing. When I was a cub I saw Rafiki didn't have Vitani anywhere on his tree paintings, so I... uh, tried to add her myself."
"And how'd that go?"
"Let's just say that even to this day, that monkey doesn't let me anywhere near his tree anymore because of it."
Oh God, I just love this. They actually dedicate an entire song talking about how much of an a**hole this kid is. You guys suck and I am great, me me, me me, you guys suck and I am great, it's all about me!
"That was the worst song I've ever heard in my life!" Kovu said loudly, resenting that mocking song he just did. "At least when my mother sang about bloody murder and ripping Simba's throat out she had the decency to stay on key!"
"And besides", Nala added. "That song wasn't about Simba looking down on everyone! He was just excited about being king, that's why we literally called it 'I Just Can't Wait to be King!"
Vitani groaned angrily. "Someone please, shut this off now."
Timon shot her a look. "No! We're too deep in, we've gotta finish it now!"
Vitani shook her head in annoyance, rolling her eyes as she did so. "Well could you at least rip my ears off then so I don't have to listen to this? I'm getting indigestion hearing it and my real parents weren't even born to see all this happen yet!"
So they get to the Elephant Graveyard, Zazu catches up with them, and they learn that this is actually hyena territory. And oh my God, he's even a little a**hole in foreign lands.
"You mean like how you're being one right now?" Kopa sneered.
I'm the future king, you can't do anything to me!
"Oh come on!" Kiara shouted to the video. "If you had three hyenas who were about to kill you right then and there, wouldn't you be looking for an excuse for them not to do that too?"
"Yes, thank you, Kiara!" Simba said to his daughter with some relief. "That was why I said I was king, I was looking for an excuse for them not to rip our intestines out!"
So now the first act of the film is very nearly coming to a close. What's happened in the film so far?
Kopa sneered, "Would 'you've insulted my father nonstop and managed to make a video that would make Scar want to throw up' be an acceptable answer?"
"Let me guess... he's going to call Simba an asshole another twenty times, isn't he?" Kovu guessed with no enthusiasm at all.
Well, Simba has bathed in his own ego, treated everyone in his life like a sack of s**t including his own two parents, almost caused an international incident
"International incident?!" Timon unexpectedly screamed. "That wasn't an act of war, it was freaking hyena territory! And the Elephant Graveyard isn't a country you idiot!"
It took every ounce of self control he had not the strike the computer screen with his fist out of anger.
...and very nearly gotten two innocent people killed. If there are any Lion King fans watching this review, please, help me out here. Why are we supposed to like this little s**t? A lot of people who have heard this complaint from me have given the same defense: Simba is just a little kid. Kids are supposed to be rambunctious and rebellious.
"And they're right!" Vitani shouted. "Every kid's like that! Hell even when I grew up in the freaking Outlands I had my moments like that!"
Well, I was a little kid once, and I was rebellious and rambunctious. but I was never this much of an obstinate, willful, selfish, dishonest, disobedient little a**hole.
Kovu said to this disbelievingly, "Jesus Christ, Zira didn't even hate Simba this much! You're actually making that war hungry sadist look halfway decent by comparison!"
"How do you even do that?!" Simba said.
"And besides", Nala added. "What little kid knows that they're acting selfish? It's just in their nature, you can't expect them to be perfect right off the bat!"
"Even Zira didn't expect us to be that perfect when we started out!" Vitani lamented. "Granted she expected that of us after Kovu met Kiara, but at least she gave us a few months after she kidnapped us to let us just be kids!"
After a moment Kovu stood up and deeply rubbed his eyes with his paw. "That's it, if this guy can make Zira of all people look better by comparison... I-I'm just not doing this in one go."
He started to walk forth for the den's exit, breathing heavily as he did so. Kiara gave him a genuinely concerned look. "Where are you going?" She asked concernedly. Kovu looked back to her.
"If any of you guys need me, I'll be out on the ledge. I need a take a break after what I just heard if I'm going to make it through in one piece, because making it through this in one sitting is officially out of the question."
Kiara sighed. "Then I'm coming too. I could sure use one after that."
And with that, Kiara and Kovu walked outside onto the ledge of Pride Rock and into the sunlight while everyone watched with tragic sympathy for them. When the couple reached the edge, they both tiredly threw themselves against the stone ground and let their paws dangle over the rim. Clearly the video review had been far more than they bargained for, and not a single one of the others could blame them.
From inside the den, Vitani turned to Kopa. "I can't believe what I just heard from that laptop."
"And there's still more of this to go?" Kopa asked with annoyance, looking down to Timon. The meerkat nodded. "This is what I meant when I said we need to address this, guys. Do you see what I mean?"
With a still enraged look on his face, Simba spoke to his friend. "If that guy calls me an asshole one more time, I'm going to rip my own throat out right here and now!"
Timon shook his head. "In that case buddy, you'd better start making funeral arrangements now."
Author's Note: Credit for the review goes to Confused Matthew, and I claim no ownership of it. The second and third parts of it will be covered in the next chapter, so stick around to see it them suffer through the rest of that. And hopefully I can spare you of having to hear him actually say all this aloud and unabridged.
All joking aside, I mean no offense at all to Confused Matthew or anyone who enjoys his review(s). I don't intend to come off as too harsh about this in the slightest. If you think the same things as him, that's fine. I am not insulting him personally, I never do that to anyone. I only intend to satirize his review for comedic purposes, no harsh feelings beyond that. Their reactions are only towards the review itself, nothing more.