Chapter XXVII

It took nearly ten minutes for Kiara and Kovu (And the rest of the others for that matter) to recover from what they had just heard from the computer, unable to believe the absurd nature of it in the slightest. With great reluctance, Kiara and Kovu both stood back up and walked away from Pride Rock's ledge, approaching the den once more. The couple sat beside one another in the same spots they had been in before, with completely unenthusiastic looks on their faces. Kiara sighed.

"This'd better be over quick." She muttered.

With that, Kovu unwillingly said to Timon, "Alright, keep going..."

And with that, he unpaused the video. The second he did, everyone groaned.

It turns out Mufasa actually cares about this little s**t for some reason and decided to save his life. So now he's gonna teach his son a lesson.

Simba smacked his paw against his face when he heard this, making Nala turn to look at him again.

"Did... did he really just say that?" Her mate questioned. "Did he... really just ask why a father would care about his son? He was my father! I was his son! Of course he's going to care about me!"

Kiara decided to add here, "If I saw my son about to be killed on the spot by hyenas, I would save him no matter what! That's just what a good parent does, doesn't this guy understand that?!"

Kovu shook his head. "I'd be surprised if he even understood what being a father meant if the rest of this is anything to go by!"

But then when Timon unpaused once more, something unexpected was uttered by Confused Matthew here:

Now, I'm not a big fan of the grotesque compliment, but it seems I must give one here: I didn't hate this scene.

All six of the listeners nearly jumped out of their fur when they heard this, their hearts feeling as though they had skipped a beat in shock. Simba and the others gasped in surprise.

"Holy crap!" He said in astonishment. "He actually doesn't hate something in this? Is this... is this actual appreciation here for something?"

Nala grew an intense smile on her face as she nuzzled her mate comfortingly. "I knew it! I knew there'd have to be something here he wouldn't hate!"

Kopa cheered with enthusiasm. "It's a freaking miracle! This video might have hope yet!"

Beside him, Vitani shook her head. "No, no this kind of lost all hope in the first minute, but... I can still say there's a chance of it being slightly less awful than before!"

"And wouldn't you know it" Simba went on. "The one scene he doesn't hate is the one with my last night with my father!"

But despite how amazed he was that one of his most precious childhood moments was not looked down upon by Confused Matthew, he almost immediately discovered that he may have spoke to soon.

It is in fact the only scene in the film that made me neither ill nor annoyed. That's a grotesque compliment because it did make me confused.

Simba and Kopa's smiles virtually collapsed upon hearing this. "Oh that's right, I should've known." Simba said flatly. "This guy can't let anything go by completely unscathed, can he?"

Pumbaa gave his friend a sad look before he said from behind the laptop, "Talk about a short lived victory."

I didn't understand these two at all after this scene. I mean if Simba really loves and respects his father this much, why doesn't he ever listen to him? And if Mufasa is this good at parent and teacher, then how did Simba turn out to be a little a**hole in the first place?

Simba sighed. "You just can't let me win here, can you?" He said with anger rising in his voice. "I was a little kid! All kids are like that you idiot, and last I checked most of them aren't even royalty! Nala was like that, Kopa was like that, Kiara was like that!"

"Hell, I was like that for a while!" Kovu added. "Just because a kid disobeys at that age doesn't make the parents bad!... unless you're talking about me and Vitani, that is."

"And I did respect my father!" Simba went on, anger still rising. "I wasn't aware that I was doing anything wrong! I don't think any kid does!"

Nala cut in, "When we went into the Elephant Graveyard, we didn't know we were doing any harm!"

Kiara added, "When I snuck out to the Outlands, I didn't disobey like that on purpose!"

"How does he not understand the basics of being a kid?!" Kopa said. "Unless he had either Scar or Zira as a parent, I don't buy it!"

Vitani was initially silent before she snickered, getting her mate's attention. "Hey, you remember how in The King's Heir they said Scar went at it with a human woman?" She asked.

Kopa nodded.

"Well maybe this was really who was born because of that!" She said with a laugh. Kopa did the same for a bit.

"Only the son of Scar could say this crap if you ask me."

So after these two have a little bonding time we then cut to a scene where the hyenas are upset about not killing the kid. This scene then rolls into the most pointless villain song I've ever heard in my life.

Here, Timon paused the video. "You guys remember that Scar had a song thanks to that Oscars story, right?"

The others all nodded. "Well even though it was about him planning to kill Mufasa... I should tell you now that a lot of the the fans love it, and well... yeah, you're really not going to be the only ones pissed off at this next part.

The only thing we learn in this song is that Scar is using the hyenas to take over the Pride Lands.

"Uh yeah, that's some pretty crucial information, don't you think?" Kovu cut in. "If the movie ends with Kopa being born, then every single thing that happens from then on starts because of that song!"

"And you're right about that." Pumbaa said approvingly to Kovu. "That is how it happened, both in the movie and in real life. Apparently he just doesn't get it."

"If what he's about to say next is any indication" Timon said to the warthog, "Then that must be the understatement of the freaking century."

We know. That's what he just tried to do.

Simba stared blankly at the screen for a moment before he blurted out, "What!? How the hell could that tell anyone the hyenas were involved with Scar because of that?! How could anyone guess they were with him just because of the attack?!"

Nala added, "Scar wasn't behind that! How the hell is anyone supposed to come to that? That was just the hyenas being evil on their own!"

"Which they're pretty good at." Simba muttered.

"And for that matter, how did he guess that?" Kiara added with a confused tone in her voice.

So after this grotesque scene we then see Scar taking Simba to a rock in the middle of nowhere.

"Okay first of all", Simba started. "I know what event he's going to talk about next here, and frankly I fear to God for it. Second, that wasn't even the middle of nowhere! We were in a massive gorge, still in the Pride Lands no less!"

"Yeah, really sounds like nowhere to me." Vitani said with sarcasm glowing in her voice.

Now to keep this brief I'll just sum this up for you: Hyenas cause stampede, Simba gets caught up, father saves his life, Scar kills father, Simba very sad.

"Wow." Kopa said loudly and unenthusiastically. "That's gotta be the most insensitive thing I've ever heard! He's talking about the worst thing to ever happen to my father, and he just skims over it like it's nothing!"

Timon sighed before he said to the prince, "Uh, Kopa? If you think that's insensitive, then you'd better get ready for what he's gonna say next."

Kopa cocked his head. "Why?" he asked with unease clear in his voice.

Timon then turned to Simba, glancing to his left and then to his right for a second. "Alright, everybody hold up on this for just a second. Simba? I think I'd better warn you right now about this next part of the video here. You're really not gonna like what he says about this scene."

Simba sighed. "Let's just get it over with."

"No really" Timon insisted. "You're about to hear the meanest thing you're gonna hear for the rest of your life, it's not going to be gentle. It's actually pretty bad."

Simba nodded. "I'm prepared, Timon." He said firmly. The meerkat cocked an eyebrow.

"Alright, but I'm just saying... that's exactly what Scar wanted you to be."

This is in fact supposed to be one of the saddest moments in cinematic history. But I just didn't see it that way. I mean it's a little kid who just lost a parent. That has a default setting of being generally sad. But since we don't like Simba and we didn't know Mufasa very well, it's just really hard to care about this in any way except generally.

Upon gasping at these insensitive and insulting words, all of the listeners shivered with revulsion at the video and all eyes immediately turned to Simba.

"What?!" Nala screamed with disgust, flabbergasted at what Matthew had just said.

Each one of them except for her stood up and took a step back from the lion, not knowing at all what to expect now in terms of his reaction. They feared greatly what he was going to say at these horrible words.

But then, silence fell upon the den. Simba simply sat there and stared at the laptop screen, completely expressionless. His breathing grew heavier, and several of the others quivered in fear not knowing at all what was going through his mind right then.

"Father?" Kiara said with concern glowing in her voice.

Then, Simba very slowly stood up and began to walk towards the den's exit as calmly as he could, his facial expression never changing in the slightest. He didn't even blink. No one could tell what he was thinking.

"Simba, where are you going?" Nala asked standing up now. But her mate said nothing as he walked out into the sunlight, making his way to the ledge of Pride Rock. Kiara, Kopa and Nala quickly went outside as well, stopping at the entrance and watching from inside for what Simba was about to do.

And then it happened. After finally standing silent and motionless for about ten seconds on Pride Rock's edge, Simba abruptly let out a horrifically blaring, ear-piercing and painfully loud scream from the bottom of his heart, his entire body tensing up when he did so. It was not a roar, but they could all tell that he was incredibly enraged, for he was letting it all out right there not caring who was watching. His scream was so loud, all of the others trembled at its strength and their eyes shot wide open in shock. Timon in particular almost fell to the ground because of how sudden it had happened, and then when the echos of the angry scream faded, the king started to scream in words so loud that his throat began to strain to no one in particular,

"Is this guy made of stone?! My father sacrificed his freaking life to save me, and that's what he has to say!? THAT?! Aaaaaahhhh!"

And from there, the old king spent nearly a full minute and a half screaming at the top of his lungs, beginning to utter out some of the most obscene swear words his family had ever heard out of rage for the video. He swore words that none of them ever even thought he knew, where they echoed all across the air around them. He struck the ground with his paws, hopelessly beating them against the stone as he cursed words that would've made even the most foul mouthed of lions blush.

And that was what Nala did: She blushed sheepishly as she heard Simba say such words, many of them she was hearing from him for the very first time.

"Oh my..." She muttered in ironic amazement.

Kovu leaned into Kiara and whispered, "Well then... I didn't know your dad had that kind of vocabulary."

Kiara shook her head with discomposure. "Neither did I, Kovu... neither did I."

And with that, Simba's obscene and ear piercingly loud screams of anger had eventually ceased after one final outburst and he took a long and deep breath, exhaling especially intensely. He had let his rage out from what he had heard in the review and he knew it.

Simba turned around and walked down back to the den, treading past his absolutely dumbfounded family members who still had their eyes wide and their mouths hanging open. They watched as he calmly sat back down in his place, clearing his throat as though nothing had happened.

"Alright then... just had to get that out of me." He said.

Reluctantly all of the others went back inside, still looking at Simba with shock. Not a one of them had ever known him to either scream so loud or to utter such obscenities before. They wanted to say something, but most decided against it.

"Jesus, dad." Kopa said with amazement. "Where the hell did that come from?"

"Simba..." Nala started to say with a dazed voice. "That... that was new."

"Father, are you all right?" Kiara asked. After a pause Simba looked to his daughter and nodded. He said back to her, "Don't worry about it, Kiara. I'll be fine from here on out, I just... didn't want to have to do that in here instead."

"Hot damn!" Timon said with some enthusiasm. "I never knew you could say all of those things, Simba!"

The lion nodded. "I've been wanting to get that out since the start of the video, Timon. The way I see it, now it'll just be a little bit easier to get through it."

Noticing the stunned looks he was getting, the old king looked all around him before saying to them all, "Okay everyone, I'm sorry you had to see that. I didn't mean to say those things at first, but... well it just came to me. Now let's just forget it and move on so we can finish this."

Nala gave Simba a sad look before she nuzzled him for comfort. Simba placed a paw on her shoulder as he gently hugged her for a moment, knowing that he needed ease from such tasteless words.

"Thanks, Nala." He said softly to her as the finished the comforting nuzzle.

"I'm sorry he said that, Simba." She said sincerely. "I didn't see that coming either."

As shocked and taken aback at what had just gone down with their king, none of them in the den could really blame him for it. They all knew how sensitive and deeply affected he was by the experience the video had just insulted, plus how reluctant he would always be to talk about it to anyone to begin with. So to have such heartless words given to him about such a sensitive matter like that, it should've come as no surprise he did that at the rude statements towards the most traumatic experience in his life.

Timon took a moment to recover from it before he said, "Okay then... I'm assuming that we're going to go on after that little incident?"

"Continue..." Simba surprisingly following after a brief pause.

Giving one last disturbed look to his father, Kopa looked over and whispered to his mate, "Geeze, I've never heard my dad go at it like that before!"

Vitani nodded. "When I was growing up, Zira did the same thing every single day."

Timon unpaused the video.

What follows this is the most under-explained moment in the entire film, and that's a big deal because it's also one of the most crucial points in the film. What in all f**ing hell makes Simba think that this is his fault?

"Seriously?!" Kopa shouted, finally having recovered from his father's outburst and ready to go back to how it was before it. "I wasn't there, but I know that Mufasa died trying to save him!"

Simba added, "I thought it was my fault because I made that roar to frighten the lizard right before the stampede happened, so I thought I was the one who caused the stampede in the first place! I figured that the roar scared the wildebeests."

Nala shook her head. "I'm honestly starting to doubt that he even watched the movie at all."

It's not like he caused the stampede,

"I said I thought I did!" Simba said, the anger returning to his voice.

The only thing that Scar says to him is 'the king is dead, and if it weren't for you he'd still be alive'. This implies that this is supposed to be Simba's fault because he was there and needed rescue.

"That's not what it meant you jerk off!" Simba said suddenly. "That was a part of it, but I thought it was my fault because it looked like my roar caused the stampede to begin with! How many times do I have to say it? If that hadn't happened, he probably wouldn't have needed to save me in the first place!"

Kopa shook his head in disbelief. "Alright, how is it that this guy can't even see the simplest of things with our lives?" He said. "This isn't a hard issue, the roar was what made him think he caused it!"

But the only reason he was there is because Scar put him there!

"I repeat: It wasn't because I thought I was there!" Simba shouted. "It was because..."

He trailed off suddenly. "You know what? I've said it already, I'm not going to waste my breath saying it again."

Seeing as he needed comfort right then once more, Nala compassionately pressed her head up against his mane, placing a paw back on his shoulder.

"Simba..." She started. "I'm so sorry you need to hear this. I know this is wrong too."

Simba sighed as he looked down to her, thankful for her once again comforting words. They did in fact help to ease the frustration he was feeling right then. "It's all right, Nala. If I could survive both Scar and Zira, I'm not going to let this of all things get to me."

Simba even offered to go with Scar to get his dad and Scar said 'no, just stay on this rock and practice your little roar'. Even a grieving eight year old idiot should be able to figure out that even by the logic of what was just said to him, this is Scar's fault! There is just no way to turn this around and make it out to be Simba's fault! And Simba had no reason to think it was his fault.

"I refuse to say it again!" Simba said angrily.

The motivation Simba has thinking he was responsible for his dad's death aren't even bad! They barely even exist! If you're gonna give us a character later on who spends many of his adult years blaming himself for his father's death, you've got to give us a better motivation than, 'I believe it so because I was there'. This scene is the textbook definition of contrived!

"This video is the definition of contrived!" Kiara said with seething anger. "I can't believe he actually thinks this about my father! How can he... just... what?!"

Kovu decided to add, "And the fans still have the audacity to call you the idiot? This guy's the idiot here! Neither of us were born when this happened, and even we know how it went down!"

Kiara nodded. "Half of us weren't born and we still know! How is it that this guy actually saw it in the movie and couldn't see it for what it was when we could?!"

Timon muttered under his breath, "It's people like this who say Scar was Kovu's dad."

"What was that, Timon?" Kovu asked suddenly, making the meerkat shudder. He hesitated.

"Oh uh, nothing, Kovu, heh heh..." He said as innocently as he could, though it came out as more timid. "Just uh... something I was thinking of showing you later on... that is if we're all still alive by then."

So anyway, Scar manages to dupe Simba and then he exiles him from the kingdom. This is the only action taken in the film that can be interpreted in any way as good. Based on what we learned on Simba and how he planned to run this place, Scar probably just did the people of Pride Rock the biggest favor of their lives.

Vitani groaned loudly. "Oh yeah, because we all know having a cold blooded dictator is better than having a king who actually has an idea of what the hell he's doing... nice logic there, loser." She said with sarcasm.

So Scar goes back and tells the people that both Mufasa and Simba have been killed in the stampede and since everyone in this film is either evil or a complete idiot, they all just take his word for it.

"So you're saying everyone I ever knew and loved is an idiot, huh?" Simba said unenthusiastically. "Yeah, go ahead and insult Zazu, Sarafina my mother too while you're at it."

Meanwhile we find Simba roasting in the sun, and then we are introduced to Timon and Pumbaa. And here, I have to give credit where credit is due.

"What? Really?" Kopa suddenly said loudly. "He's actually about to compliment something else here?! Hallelujah, he's actually about to say something that makes sense!"

Following a brief pause, however, Timon did not unpause the video. Everyone waited for a few moments, but still he just sat there motionless. He folded his arms.

"Well go ahead, Timon." Kiara said to him. "Unpause it!"

The meerkat looked up to Pumbaa, who bowed his head in disbelief knowing full well what part of the video was about to come up. Timon sighed to himself.

"Guys..." He said softly, barely loud enough for them to hear. "I am not going to lie here... what he's about to say is not going to be gentle."

"Why? What does he say?" Kovu asked curiously. The meerkat was silent for some time before he just stood up and unpaused, groaning in anger as he did so.

Because as far as Disney villains go, these are two of the most evil, nasty, despicable, despiseable Disney villains I've ever seen on screen.

As this was said, all eyes widened in horror. Kopa actually stood up and gave the computer screen an absolutely blank look.
"Excuse me? Did... did he just call Timon and Pumbaa the villains?" He questioned quietly.

"How does... why would... huh?!" Kovu said, absolutely at a loss for words.

Nala cringed at the screen before she smacked her paw against her face hard, rubbing it down her face as she groaned. "That's it." Nala said. "This is officially the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life. Nothing I have ever seen since the day I was born has ever been that dimwitted and insensitive before!"

"Even the hyenas were smarter than this!" Kiara added for her mother. "At least they knew who was and wasn't evil when they killed Scar! Timon and Pumbaa are the farthest ones away from being evil out of anyone in all of Africa!"

Vitani said with disgust, "A tree is smarter than that!"

If physics were to allow it, Simba's jaw would've dropped to the ground in shock. He was about to say something, but before he could Timon quickly unpaused to let the full and unabridged stupidity sink in for them all.

I mean they make the Wicked Queen look like Mother freaking Te- WAIT A MINUTE! These are supposed to be good guys too?! What is it that makes these writers think that horrible people make for good protagonists?! First of all they mince no words about the fact that the only reason they're helping this poor kid out so they can use him. And this never changes through the course of the film.

Silence fell upon the den once more before Simba finally said, "Wow, where do I begin with that?"

Pumbaa decided to speak here. "We didn't use you, Simba! We saved you because we wanted to help you out!"

"Exactly!" Simba said to him nodding. "If this guy was roasting in the sun about to die, I think he'd want to take help from anyone he could get too!"

"You know?" Vitani said while cringing. "The level of stupid in this video is officially starting to hurt. It's physically hurting now, that's it."

When Simba is an adult lion and saves them from another adult lion, Timon greedily whispers in Pumbaa's ear, 'See I told you he'd come in handy, he he he he'. Wow, what noble and valiant heroes we have for this film.

The real Timon just sat there in utter silence after he paused again, his breathing growing louder and heavier out of anger. All around him could tell that he was beyond enraged at this point about hearing insults like this towards himself, and frankly they felt somewhat offended by them too. Neither Timon nor Pumbaa had ever said or done anything mean or harmful in the slightest to a single one of them, and as a result all six of them could easily and openly be considered their friends.

Slowly but surely, Timon stood up and began to walk over to the side so that the laptop's screen and keyboard were to his left. Turning in that direction he huffed a deep angry breath and shook with anger, gritting his teeth.

"Timon?..." Kiara said with concern. "Are... are you alright?"

Timon did not answer her with words, but with what he did next. Quickly making a tight fist with his right hand he violently struck the laptop's screen, pushing the device back about an inch or so. The spot where Timon punched it on the screen's center left a mark for a moment before it faded away. The meerkat looked onward.

"God damn, did that feel good."

And with that, he loosened himself up as he sat back down in his original spot, pulling the computer back an inch. He clicked 'play' once more.

Second of all, Timon and Pumbaa are just horrible people. They're lazy and proud of it, stupid and proud of it, selfish and proud of it

"Okay, lazy? Yes." Timon said in an irritated tone. "Stupid? No. Selfish? Hell no!"

"Why does being stupid and lazy make us bad?" Pumbaa asked. "We took Simba in as a friend! We shared our home and our food with you, how does that make us selfish?!"

"I would've died if you guys didn't save me!" Simba said to the warthog and the meerkat. "The reason I or any of us are here right now was because you took me in! That's not selfish at all!"

"And doesn't he remember that we went with you to save the Pride Lands when you went to fight Scar?" Timon started again. "We did that because we cared about you! We almost got ripped apart by hyenas because of that, but we still did it! Hell, I freaking proposed to one just so you could do what you had to! Name me one selfish friend who would do that!"

Kovu cleared his throat before adding, "That's the same thing as saying Kiara's selfish because she tried to save Zira's life!"

"Which they do." Timon unwisely added. Kovu groaned and rubbed his eyes with his paw.

"The Internet has no limit to how stupid it can be, does it?" Vitani asked flatly. Timon shook his head. "Just wait until we get to the really weird stuff people say about you guys."

"Why does that not comfort me?" the lioness asked even though she knew the answer in full. Timon sighed.

"It's really not supposed to, Vitani."

And what's more, they're a**holes! We have a scene where Simba is telling them what he thinks of the origin of the stars, and they both just laugh at him like he's a piece of s**t for even opening his mouth about the subject.

"That wasn't why we laughed at it!" Pumbaa cut in. "We just didn't get it at the time, he never mentioned anything like that before! For all we knew, he could've just been joking about it!"

"And for that matter" Timon said looking back to Simba. "We didn't know where you got that from. How were we supposed to know it was your dad who told that to you?"

Simba nodded. "I don't blame you, Timon."

"Well clearly this guy does." The meerkat replied.

Third of all, they actually do something to this kid that's just as bad if not worse than what Scar did to him when he told him to run away.

"Oh no! No, I didn't just hear that! I did not just hear that!" Simba shouted with an absolutely flabbergasted look on his face. "He's telling me that Timon and Pumbaa saving my life, letting me live in their home for years, and being their best friend is worse than having my goddamn father killed right in front of me and having it blamed on me for years?!"

"What the hell kind of logic does this guy even live by?" Kovu said, cringing in disbelief.

Kiara added, "He's starting to make The Lion of the Rings look logical!"

"And that's no small feat." Kovu muttered beneath his breath.

Vitani sighed before she bowed her head in revulsion. "Can we stop this now?" the lioness asked flatly. "I feel like I want to rip my own ears off so I don't have to listen to this!"

"Yeah, we've established that, Vitani." Timon remarked. "And no, we are gonna finish this if it kills us!"

"Which it probably will if it doesn't end soon." Simba said to himself, making no attempt to keep it low.

They convince him that if you've got problems, stick 'em under the rug. You've got responsibilities? Sherk 'em! Ignore everything in your life and live like a lazy stupid selfish greedy little bastard like we do. 'Turn your back on the world' they teach this kid!

"That's just how we were back then!" Pumbaa shouted.

"You know, this is exactly like what he said about my father all over again." Kiara said with aversion. "He's judging them for being horrible way too early when they're only first shown! Why doesn't he just give them time so they can better themselves like they really did, this can't be the first movie that's done that!"

"Not by a long shot, princess." Timon sneered. "And not to mention we didn't know what kind of responsibilities he had! We had no freaking idea he was a prince or that his dad was the king, if we knew we probably would've done things a hell of a lot differently!"

"Yeah!" Pumbaa agreed. "We only would've lived by Hakuna Matata six days a week instead of seven!"

Timon bowed his head and sighed. "Yes Pumbaa, that would've done a whole lot more for him." He said sarcastically. Pumbaa smiled.

"See? Even Timon knows that!"

So they sum this horrible philosophy up in two words: Hakuna Matata. Which loosely translated means, 'f**k it'.

Simba was about to say something different on this matter, but what he ended up saying was "Well if that's what it is, we sure should've had one hell of a different song then."

As soon as he said this all of the others laughed hysterically, Timon and Pumbaa included.

"Yeah, you've got that right, Simba!" Pumbaa was the first one to say. "Can you imagine what our song would've been like if that's what it really meant?"

Through all the laughter Kopa managed to say, "You see? My own dad can come up with something funnier in two seconds than this guy can in twenty minutes!"

Slowly the laughter from Simba's joke died down and the calm silence returned. When it did, Timon sait quietly to Pumbaa, "Remind me to make up a new song for that, buddy."

And this awful moral philosophy which no one should ever follow in their lives translated into an easy to remember children's song.

Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase!

Yeah, what a wonderful phrase.

"Yeah, and what a wonderful video." Kopa said with sarcasm, which got some laughs from the others.

Let me ask you a question Lion King fans: If the only salvageable point of this film is that you shouldn't sherk your responsibilities and you shouldn't sweep your problems under the rug, why does Hakuna Matata get its own song?

"Uhh, how about because we sung it and the movie was only following what we did?" Pumbaa said. "And how about it's because we were just introducing ourselves to Simba? Ever think of that?"

Vitani turned to Kopa. "Am I the only one who still finds that creepy as hell that they followed us through everything?"

The lion shook his head. "If this video is anything to go by... no, you're not."

So then Simba grows up, and then we see that the... wait! He grows up?!

Simba smacked his paw against his face so hard at this, it actually hurt. "Yes, I grew up!" He said with a clearly unimpressed tone. "That's what things do, they age! I didn't know that the act of getting older was such a foreign concept for you!"

"You know that would actually explain a lot." Nala remarked.

And what's more you give him another personality of tappid pudding?

"I thought you hated how I was as a cub!" Simba said. "If anything you should be happy that I was different!"

You establish this kid as a little a**hole and then turn him into a vegetable without any justification for the move? It's not like he became this way because he realized he was an a**hole and that was a bad thing

"That is exactly why I was different you jerk off!" Simba protested. "I realized how wrong I was to be the way I was and I was feeling bad about it! I was thinking about my whole life being lazy up until then you idiot! Have you no empathy at all for any of us at all?!"

"I've met blades of grass smarter than him!" Vitani commented. Kopa chuckled. "Oh no, Vitani." He said in a playful mood. "That's a pretty bad insult to the grass by saying that, don't you think?"

She nodded while chuckling to herself. Then Kiara said to her brother, "You know I was about to say that he's as dumb as a rock, but now I realize that would be an insult to rocks everywhere."

"Especially since you guys live in one." Timon said under his breath.

From here, Confused Matthew began to get increasingly angry and progressively loud, which only added to the uneasy mood of the rant.

he is the way he is because someone put him in the wrong place at the wrong time! He didn't grow, he didn't change, he just rebooted! This character is the way he is for reasons totally unrelated to this character! If this character was gonna be completely irrelevant to the last two thirds of this film, why did we even need to watch the first third?!

"How about so the people wouldn't be confused as all hell?" Nala cut in. "If they started it off there, not only would that miss half of what happened, but how would anyone know why they are the way they are?"

"Plus it'd be inaccurate to the true story." Pumbaa commented, which prompted Timon to add, "Hell, half the fan base is already at war over what happened between Mufasa and Scar for not showing it, so how would leaving out all of Simba's childhood make that any better in the least?"

Simba gave him an odd look. "They do that?"

Timon turned around and said to his friend, "Simba, you would be amazed at half the crap your fans argue over."

Why didn't you just start the film RIGHT HERE?!

"Geeze, calm the hell down." Kopa said. "It's not that big a deal."

"Is that really necessary?" Nala asked. "You don't need to scream to make a point as wrong as it may be, just say it normally and we'd still get it!"

Simba nodded. "But when it comes to screaming to get someone's rage out because of a horrible Internet video on the other hand... that's kind of a different story."

Sorry about that. I really hate this film.

"Too late for sorry, jackass!" Vitani remarked loudly.

Oh, and am I upset by the fact that Scar's running this place badly? No. Not really.

Nala suddenly winged at these words, growling louder than she ever did before. "So an entire pride has to starve and suffer for years in a desolate wasteland, was almost killed and thought that the one I was in love with was dead with no hope of survival, and you have the audacity to say you don't feel sorry in the least for twenty lionesses and a hundred hyenas who almost died, myself included?!"

Several of the others shook their heads in disgust while the others cringed with dumbfounded looks.

"Wow, that is freaking heartless." Vitani said. "Not even Zira was like that! At least when she made us suffer she kind of knew when to stop. But this?!"

"I can't take this much longer." Kovu said with extreme distaste. "He couldn't be any more insulting if he tried!"

Because I'm not entirely convinced that Simba would've run this place any differently. We have a scene later on where people are telling Scar that he's condemned them to death and he cant's do that, and Scar responds, 'I'm the king, I can do whatever I want'. Gee, who's mouth could that just as easily have come out of?

"Aaand I stand corrected." Kovu said narrowing his eyes.

Kiara looked ahead of her to the outside. "Oh really, you don't think he would've been a better king, huh? Because by the looks of it from here the Pride Lands aren't in ruins anymore thanks to him!"

"This guy wouldn't know a good king if one came up to his doorstep and smacked him in the face." Timon remarked, which got a few laughs out of the others. "At this point, I wouldn't mind doing that!" Simba laughed.

"Hey, you know what?" Nala began. "How much food are you willing to bet that someone just paid him off to make a terrible review like this and the whole thing's only a joke?"

Kopa shook his head, which got his mother's attention. "No way, mom. This has to be real. No one can possibly fake this kind of suck."

Nala sighed sadly. "If it is, then you have no idea how much faith I lost in our fan base, Kopa."

The prince snickered. "Funny, I didn't realize you had any left at all by this point."

"I sure don't." Vitani remarked. Timon said beneath his breath upon hearing this,

"Join the club, sister."

Author's Note: I apologize if this seems abrupt, but this video review is just too long for me to cover in two chapters, so it looks like it'll have to be in three. It helps that his actual video is in three parts, so one chapter to correspond with each part does feel appropriate.

Also just to reiterate what I said in the previous A/N, this is not attacking Confused Matthew as a person, and I don't hate him as such. I'm confident that he's a nice guy in real life outside of the Internet. In fact, I'm not even attacking any of his other reviews, and I know there are people who like him. If you like him, I don't think you're an idiot. I respect all opinions especially with films like this.

But with that said, this is meant to satirize his Lion King review and his Lion King review only. And whether or not you agree with this parodic take on it or not, I respect whatever one will say on it. I hope you enjoy either way, and please review!