Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, any of the characters in Twilight, or anything related to the books and/or movies. If I did, I would be way too busy- doing dirty things with the Cullen boys- to sit down at my laptop and write this story. The scenes that I did borrow from Stephenie Meyer have been revamped to fit my story.

A/N: Okay, some of you have wanted a chapter from Jasper's POV, so I'm giving it to you. I haven't done one from JPOV before, so I hope it doesn't suck. I'm also completely paraphrasing from the book and so don't want to get busted for plagiarism. I don't want to change Jasper's history, though, because it's a huge element in the saga. This chapter is going to be longer than the others as well, because I'm going to go through Jasper's entire history in one conversation.

Learning to Live Again

Chapter Twenty: Jasper's Memories (JPOV)

I held the fragile girl close to me as I prepared myself to share with her all of my secrets. I hoped that she was ready to hear this. She knew the stories of Edward, Carlisle, Alice, Emmett, and Esme. She hadn't even begun to hear the darkest of our stories, though. The Hale twins definitely had a flare for dramatics.

"Bella, dear, I want to tell you my history, but I'm worried because I don't know how you'll react to what you hear." I looked into her dark brown eyes that were gateways into her emotions. She was nervous and yet still excited by my mere presence. Maybe she could handle this. Edward had never given her enough credit for all that she'd been able to handle, and I would not make that same mistake.

"I want to know all about you, Jasper. I want to know about your life before and after you were a vampire and how you came to be with the Cullens. I love you, and nothing could ever stop that," she declared. It was the truth, and I almost couldn't control my own emotions of gratitude and love as I heard her words. I had never felt so much love from another person, not even Maria or Alice.

"I'll tell you, baby, but first you need to see." I moved my arm from around her small waist and held it closer to her face, allowing the lighting in our room to catch my scars. I saw her squint her eyes, looking closely at the hard texture of my pale skin. She had seen the crescent moon shape that matched her own.

"Jasper, you have a scar like mine," she stated as she traced one of the scars on my wrist with her fingertips. The soft fingertips then moved up my arm onto one of my other scars. "Jasper," she breathed out as recognition crossed her facial features. She saw the crescent shapes that covered my arm. "What happened to you?" she asked as her breathing start to pick up. I could sense that she was upset and nervous, not liking that I had been hurt so much in my past.

"It's okay, Bella. I don't feel them anymore. They are just reminders of my history," I assured her. I wrapped my arm around her again and felt her arm covering mine, still tracing soft patterns on my arm.

"How is it that I haven't noticed them?" she asked, unsure of herself now. I loved my Bella, but she thought so little of herself too often. Hopefully that would change once she was one of us, because there was no doubt in my mind that she would be at my side for eternity.

I smiled down at her. "Well, darling, you're not always that observant when my shirt's off. You are generally focused on other things," I teased her. I was relieved when she smiled back up at me.

"My upbringing was much darker than our siblings, my dear. There are places in the vampire world where a lifespan can be measured only by weeks and not centuries. There are places where we can be less restrained and yet still avoid detection. These places are dark and clouded with greed and power. The more people we are near, the easier it is to feed on them without getting noticed, like the South." I stopped for a moment, allowing myself to be taken back to my past.

"But the Volturi?" she asked. Her intelligence never surprised me, but I was still not used to her and I being so in tune with each other. I had been ready to mention them, but she beat me to the punch.

"They manage to keep these areas in check, thankfully. They are the only force that the southern covens fear. The south is a completely different world from what you've seen. The immortals only come out at night, spending their days plotting their next moves or anticipating their enemy's. There's been constant war for centuries in the south, fighting for control and power over the largest amount of human territories. Fighting for the best hunting grounds, really," I simplified.

"Long ago, a vampire had a thought that if he were the only vampire in the south then he would have free reign over the humans. He wouldn't have to share. Others have had the same thought, but there was one vampire named Benito that invented a strong tactic in order to achieve this goal. He came from north of Dallas and massacred two small covens that were sharing the area near Houston. He took on a much stronger clan of allies that had claimed Monterrey and won against them as well."

"How did he win, Jasper? Was he stronger?" she asked. I felt my love for Bella grow. She was my equal. She understood what others couldn't, and she was not afraid to voice her opinions or her questions.

"He had created an army of newborn vampires, the first to think of this. Newborns are volatile, wild, and impossible to control. One newborn could be reasoned with and taught; however, ten or fifteen together are a nightmare. They will turn on each other as easily as enemies would. Benito had to keep making more of them, because they would fight and kill each other."

"Newborns are dangerous, but they are possible to defeat if you know what you're doing. They are incredibly strong for their first year or so. They're slaves to their instincts and thirst, though. They have no technique or skill in their fighting and rely on brute force," I explained to her. She needed to know this, because she would be one soon enough.

"Like Emmett," Bella teased, knowing that our family was listening in on our conversation. As much as they loved us, they were nosey as hell.

I laughed with her as we heard Emmett grunt from across the hallway. "Somewhat, my dear. The vampires in southern Mexico learned of Benito's plan to come after them and so in return started to create their own armies of newborns. All hell broke loose, darling. It wasn't a good time to be human in Mexico." She shuddered slightly and I pulled her tighter to me, offering any comfort I could.

"The Volturi finally stepped in when the body count reached epidemic proportions. They brought the entire guard to North America, killing Benito first before moving on to anyone else who had newborns. This took a year for the Volturi to finish, and Mexico was left without vampires for a long while. They were able to preserve our way of life, but like always it didn't take long for covens to begin disputing again. There was still a lot of bad blood, pardon my pun."

She chuckled against my chest, still able to enjoy my humor. "The idea of newborns could not be extinguished, but the southern covens had learned to be much more careful, not wanting to bring the Volturi back into their land. Newborns began to be selected from the human pool with more care and were given more training. The Volturi are not stupid by any means and knew what was going on. They let it continue as long as they were careful.

"Jasper, you were-"

I cut her off, nodding my head. "Yes, baby, that's how I was changed. I lived in Houston when I was human and had joined the Confederate Army in 1861 when I was only 17 years old. My military career was short-lived, but very promising all the same. People liked me and listened to what I had to say, and this allowed me to be promoted quickly through the ranks. I was the youngest major in Texas, even considering that I had lied about my age and said I was 20 when I joined. I was in charge of evacuating women and children from Galveston, having only a day to prepare them.

I remember the night that I was changed very clearly. We had reached the city after dark, and I had stayed long enough to make sure the entire party was safely situated. As I was heading out of Galveston, I saw three women on foot and assumed they were stragglers. I got off my horse and was about to offer my assistance when I noticed their faces in the dim moonlight. They were the three most beautiful women I had ever seen."

Before I could continue, I gauged Bella's reaction and was not surprised to feel her normal self-consciousness rise from the depths of her emotions. She had no idea how much she meant to people, how amazing she was. "Until I met you, that is." I moved one of my hands to her face and traced her jaw line down to her lips. My finger stopped its descent at her lips as she opened them and took a small nip at my finger. We both chuckled.

"My hair was standing up on the back of my neck as the three talked about me like I wasn't there. They were contemplating my stature, my strength, and deciding if they wanted to turn me or not. I knew that they were dangerous, but I had been taught to not fear women but to protect them. I stood motionless as Maria approached me and asked my name." I saw Bella's face look up at me, asking the question silently. "Jasper Whitlock was my name then," I answered her.

"Bella Whitlock," she whispered so low that the others wouldn't have heard even with their exceptional hearing. Without any forewarning, I pulled her tighter to me and leaned down to kiss her full on the mouth. She wanted my name. Not just the name that I had grown to use, but my actual name. The only thing that tied me to my past as a human. I had never felt happier or more turned on than at that moment, but I knew that I had to finish explaining my life to the girl in my arms.

I pulled back from the kiss slowly, smiling to Bella when I noticed that unashamed lust that had clouded over her eyes. "I thought that she was leaning in for a kiss, but I was wrong. A few days later, I was introduced to my new life and my new companions for the time. Maria, Nettie, and Lucy. They were survivors of the recent battles and had formed a partnership of convenience. Maria wanted a superior army. She gave us newborns more attention and more training, teaching us to fight and to be invisible to humans. And she would reward us." I didn't elaborate, knowing that Bella would understand my discomfort with this part of the story.

As I expected, she again felt self-conscious, so I placed a soft kiss to her temple, showing my love and adoration for her. "There were a few other newborn male soldiers, but I was stronger and quicker than them. Maria was pleased with me but also frustrated that she had to replace the ones that I took out. I was put in charge of the others and managed to decrease the casualties with my leadership skill. My ability to control emotions was put to good use and eventually helped us work together instead of against one another."

Bella was still listening intently and becoming more comfortable on our bed. She moved her legs to tangle with my own and curled into my bare chest. It was awe-inspiring how she could hear the worst things about me and still want to be close to me. "I didn't know that there was another way to live as a vampire, and at the time I wasn't interested. I worshipped the ground that Maria walked on and only wanted to please her. We took over Monterrey, defeating another army of newborns without difficulty.

"Maria got greedy and throughout my first year as a vampire, we extended our control to cover most of Texas and northern Mexico. The others came from the south, wanting to dislodge her control. The fighting was intense, because many had begun to worry that the Volturi would return. I was the only survivor of the first eighteen months out of the 23 original newborns. Nettie and Lucy turned against Maria, and we had to take them out as well. Maria and I held onto Monterrey and it quieted slightly even though the wars were still happening.

We kept a dozen or so newborns at our hand, using them as pawns. We would dispose of them once they were useless to us. This was my life for years, and I grew sick of it for a very long time. This went on for decades before I was able to befriend a newborn named Peter who was in charge of babysitting the newborns. He was more civilized and didn't approve of disposing of the newborns the way that Maria and I had been doing.

He was in love with one of the newborns named Charlotte and I let them escape instead of taking them out. This upset Maria, of course. Five years went by before he came back for me while Maria was becoming more agitated and confused with my deteriorating frame of mind. She didn't feel the same for me as she once had, and I could sense that she was going to turn on me.

Peter explained to me that he and Charlotte had lived without fighting and had even met others in the north. They were able to co-exist, and I wanted this as well. I wanted to leave Maria without having to kill her, and this seemed the best solution to my problem. I had been with her as long as Edward and Carlisle were companions before the others joined them. Our relationship was obviously different, but we were not as bonded together. We lived for the fight, for blood and not each other. I walked away from it all.

My depression continued even as I was living with Peter and Charlotte, and I never understood what was wrong with me. It was worse after I hunted. Peter and I came to the conclusion that all my years of slaughter and carnage had left me void of humanity. I was no longer Jasper Whitlock, but a monster instead. I didn't know that there was another option to hunting, so I didn't see a solution in sight for me.

I was in Philadelphia during a storm and had ducked into a little diner to take shelter from the weather, not wanting to attract attention to myself. Alice was there, waiting for me. I had never felt love like that before and I knew that there was hope for me. She told me of the vision she'd had of Carlisle and we came here to join our family. I was still skeptical, but I knew that I could trust them."

I finished explaining who I was to Bella and looked at her face, preparing myself to gauge her reaction. Bella was always surprising, but I didn't want her to be ashamed of me. I wanted her to know that I was trying and that I did love her, but that I wasn't fully capable of being with her yet, of trusting myself completely around her. I was speechless when I saw and sensed what she was feeling.