AN: So Hiya! This is my fist fanfic so I hope you all like. Just a few starter outers, so that you aren't all confused: This is before all of the twilight books and just after Dean becomes hell hound chow in Supernatural. Now I don't know the Supernatural series really really well (I know the plot line but I don't know exact episodes and all that) so don't bite my head off if I mess up anything! Just review and let me know so that I can fix it! So without further ado… heregoes!
We didn't burn his body, and even though I knew it was wrong, secretly I was glad. I think I would've lost whatever shred of sanity I had left if I had to watch Dean's body burn.
"He'll need a body later, when he comes back," Sam just kept insisting. Bobby alternated between shouting and quiet logic, trying to force him to see reason, but Sam would have none of it. I sat silently through all the arguments, barley aware of my surroundings. Somewhere along the line, lord only knows how, I had acquired a bottle of strong tequila and slowly but surely I was working my way through the complete numbness I felt. The men didn't question me, they just let me be. I don't think either of them felt capable of dealing with female emotions at the moment. Then around dawn Bobby shook me from my stupor. I didn't need to ask any questions, I knew what was coming. So I followed him out to the yard.
Sam drove the Impala, Dean's car, his pride and joy, and I followed behind in my sleek '67 Shelby Mustang, Eleanor. Bobby led our funeral procession in an old Ford pickup. We ended up at an empty field not too far away from Bobby's property, hidden from the road by a smattering of trees and shrubbery. Bobby and I watched without speaking as Sam beat away at the stubborn earth with a rusty shovel. He wouldn't let me help him dig the grave, and so I sat in the damp grass clutching my ever faithful friend, the tequila bottle, and feeling absolutely nothing.
Bobby finally agreed to bury Dean's corpse instead of giving him the old salt n' burn, probably only because Sam looked so close to the brink of destruction, and so together we lowered a pine box into the deep hole where Dean would lay for eternity. I knocked back another hard swig of alcohol before pouring what little was left in the bottle over Dean's coffin. No. Not coffin. Box. Rich people with thousands of dollars to burn got fancy polished coffins with silk linings and feather pillows. People like us got knotted pine boxes, I thought bitterly. I wasn't drunk, even though I'd finished almost an entire bottle of tequila in a single night. No, I wasn't drunk, but I couldn't feel a thing, hadn't been able to feel a thing ever since… ever since I had crawled over to Dean's lifeless body and cradled his limp head in my hands. Fine by me. It was feelings, after all, that got me into this mess. I picked up the shovel and slowly began to fill in Dean's grave.
I worked in silence and the other two didn't talk either. What could possibly be said at a time like this? Families normally hired preachers to talk at funerals because really, who else would want to talk? We didn't have a preacher though. We just had ourselves, and none of us were very good with expressing our feelings. My empty bottle was buried somewhere in the grave, I didn't pay attention when it fell in, just kept piling dirt on top, until finally I was patting down soil even with the surrounding grass.
It was finished, the burring of the man I loved, and I still couldn't feel a goddamned thing.
Bobby hammered a wooden cross into the ground at the head of the grave, like the kind you see along the sides of highways where unfortunate automotive accidents happened. Still I felt nothing.
We were all silent for a moment longer then – "Son of a Bitch!" I threw down my shovel. Tears stung my eyes and a lump the size of an onion rose in my throat. I crouched down in the guise of retrieving the shovel, trying to hide my tears, only to end up clutching my knees as sobs wracked my body. I felt strong arms encircle me, but they weren't the arms I so desperately craved. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and left me alone to deal with the jagged hole.
I leaned into Sam's strong embrace and cried and he let me, never letting go. We stayed like that for what felt like an eternity before I finally quieted and he helped me to my feet. Together we walked to Bobby's truck. He gave us a quick once-over before a sharp nod. "Alright there you two?"
"Yeah, thanks Bobby," Sam replied. I simply jerked my head; I didn't quite trust my voice. We drove back to Bobby's place in the same sad line that had brought us to the field. Once there the guys slowly walked up the porch steps and through the front door. I leaned against my car, staring at the old house. Somehow it didn't feel right for me to go in, like I didn't belong anymore. I felt like I didn't have any ties here, like nothing was holding me. I knew that was untrue, knew that Sam and Bobby were more like family to me than my own parent, but somehow I was lost.
After my graveside breakdown I realized that I wouldn't survive long if I couldn't hold myself together, and this place, this life, was just a pointy stick poking and prodding at my wound. I couldn't stay, it wouldn't be fair to Sam and Bobby for me to sit around the house and mope. And it wouldn't be fair to me to constantly live in pain and on edge. Bobby and Sam would watch me, waiting for the next emotional volcano, and I couldn't live like that. I deserved to move on, goddamnit! I tried to convince myself. I deserved to be at least partially functional.
"Bella?" Sam was on the front porch, watching me, making sure I wasn't going to cry or punch him or something I guess. He must have decided I looked fairly stable because he came to stand in front of me. His hand moved as if to comfort me and I flinched. He looked hurt by my reaction and suddenly I felt so guilty. I knew it was wrong, it wasn't really Sam's fault, it was Dean after all who made that stupid deal with the crossroads demon, but some small and very mean part of me blamed Sam at least a little bit for Dean's death. Part of me blamed Jake, the kid that had killed Sam in the first place. A whole lot of me blamed the Yellow Eyed Demon. Hell, sometimes I even blamed myself. Sam sighed. "You're not staying are you?"
I offered an apologetic smile, he knew me too well. ""I can't," my voice was thick with the tears I was fighting to keep down. He frowned at the ground and I knew he was blaming himself. "Sam," It hurt to say his name, but I did. I caught his chin and forced him to look at me. "Sam this has nothing to do with you. I don't blame you… or at least I know I shouldn't. Sam, you're my family. I just can't stay." I released his face and crossed my arms, holding myself together. "There are things I need to sort out, and as much as I love you, I need to be on my own." Tears were falling freely now, from both of us and I wiped and my eyes trying to stop them.
"Okay," Sam sounded choked up. Out of all of us, Sam was the best at expressing feelings, which was why I was so surprised at his simple answer now. "But Bella, please, please call if you need to talk. I don't want to lose you too." I hugged him tight then for what would probably be the last time in a long time, burying my face in his jacket, inhaling the scent that was so different from Dean's.
"You will never lose me, Sam." I whispered fiercely. I then hugged Bobby who had come out to join us on the drive way.
"I won't ask you to call when you get wherever you're going," He grumbled, "because I know you won't. But don't forget us, eh Bells?" his voice was tough, which coming from Bobby was the equivalent of an 'I love you.' I hugged him tighter.
"I won't be gone long enough for you to miss me" I mumbled into his jacket, but we both knew it was a lie. Everything here reminded me too much of Dean, too much of the time we spent together, and we both knew that I had every intention of speeding off in my car and not looking back for a good long while.
It wasn't until long after I had pulled out of the drive way and had been on the highway for a while that I realized I had absolutely no idea where I was headed.
AN: Yay! Chapter One complete! Sorry, I'll try not to post too many ANs, but this is my first fanfic, so bear with me! So read and review! Please!