Chapter 6: She Remembers

After taking lives, she felt the evil in her ways by the end of each day. Her mind told her many things as did her beating heart, but she never could find the time to properly listen.

Nothing was real anymore. Everything about her life was fake; even her marriage to Michael made her feel indifferent some of the time. It was nothing he did; it was the fact that she ran away with him and married him because he was the only one she felt could help her in her situation.

She was disgusted with herself. Her decision to marry out of fear of losing her life was too human for her. She was not supposed to fear anything much less feel something as honest as the love Michael felt for her. He was a good friend; a good man. He was there to help her along the way; to protect her. He was her angel, but she hardly felt as deeply as he did because her confusion had consumed her.

Her mind divided between a world that was, a world that could have been, and even a world that is. Her heart portioned the exact same way. Her true feelings were unknown to those around her, but inside she knew why she felt the constant biting inside of her. She knew why she constantly second guessed herself--about everything.

She let the Americans get to her, and on nights where she laid restlessly inside her bed with the familiar man next to her, her mind took her on a trip down memory lane…

Shooting out the elevator doors as usual, he is surprised to see Ziva standing before him.

"Special Agent Gibbs."

"Ziva--what are you doing here?"

"Looking forward to being a member of your team."

Michael moves in his sleep, but it does not stop her from thinking about him.

He had been quick to shut her down only to start her back up again. She had never minded--his intentions had never been to use her for his own benefit.

He wanted to hate her for Kate's death, and she allowed him to hold that grudge until she realized he was silently crying for a reason to continue--with NCIS, with his own life. He wanted his guilt to go away, but he never would ask for him in doing so.

She crossed the final line. In no time she was properly fixing herself at Kate's desk; putting her things in Kate's drawers, and sharing the energy of Gibbs' desk that sat on the same side of the squad room as hers.

And just as quickly as she got in, she was being thrown out like she held no significance to him…

"Pack your shit and leave."

"You are firing me? The Director has that power only."

"Then get your ass to Shepard's office and tell her you quit. Go on. Get out of here! Get the fuck off my team. Go!"

"First thing in the morning."

Turning on her side, her fond memories begin to turn badly. She must push them out entirely in order to catch even a wink of sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day, she knows this.

Tomorrow is like every other day.

Tomorrow she will kill again.

The day after she will only kill again…

…And so the saga continues.

Director Shepard looks outside the large window. It is giving her a pleasant view of everything nature intends to give during the incoming Spring season.

A familiar wind surrounds her. Turning, she sees a fuming Special Agent Gibbs staring her down as if he demands something, anything--from her.

"Wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, Jethro?"

"Every time I see your face--everything goes wrong." He cuts her like a steel knife. "Ya wanted to see me?"

She does not take kindly to his attack, but decides to let it slide after considering all he must be going through.

"Your Forensic Scientist, Abby Sciuto, is part of your newest case." She takes a seat. "Is there something I should know?"

No."

She waits for him to change his mind, but he does not. "No?"

"Yeah, Jen--no." He clears his throat.

"Is she in any kind of danger?"

"Possibly--we're looking into it." He can feel that familiar itch. It is telling him to leave her office and to return to the case. "We done?"

"No." She looks to an empty chair. "Sit."

"Jen--"

"SIT!" She orders him.

He grunts before placing his rear-end inside the empty chair. He inhales deeply, then holds his breath for a moment before letting it out.

"Stressed?" Her eyebrow raised; her tone sounds amusing.

"What do ya think?!" He growls, as the past hits him full-on like it has so many times before. "You finished fucking my team, Jen?"

Her other eyebrow joins the other.

"Yeah--that's right. I said fucking--my team. Ya done fucking my team?" He leans forward; the material of his suit jacket stretching against his back and shoulders. "I'm just a little tired. A little…too…damn…tired."

"Tony hardly had the choice." Her own guilt grabbing at her from within. "He followed an order as he is paid to do."

"You used him."

"You do it all the time!" She grits her teeth.

"Like hell!" Gibbs puts on a set of crazy eyes. "They are my Agents--I only tell them what's good for them."

"You tell them what you need to tell them in order to get the damn job done, Jethro." Her eyes flash with rage. "You take control of them as much as I do. The only difference is I have the authority to do so and you simply take it upon yourself to be your own boss and their boss."

"I'm Team Leader." He feels foolish for stating the obvious.

"You are--but you left at one time." Her tone is trying to become as steady as possible, but there is still a slight angry shake to it. "Tony had to be there for your team."

Gibbs does not want to hear this, but he has no other place to go. Her words remind him and they momentarily paralyze him.

"To pick up the pieces you left unattended to!" She does not care if her words can be heard outside of her office. "He did a damn good job at keeping everyone steady while working cases." She pauses to make sure he is still listening to him. "He was there to lick their wounds--the ones you helped create!" She looks to the side of her and shakes her head. "You can not keep blaming Ziva for this, Jethro."

His eyes grow large as dinner plates. "I DON'T!" He shoots out of his chair and storms over to the front of her desk. "Don't fuck with me, Jen."

"One more word like that out of your mouth and I'm suspending you." She places her hands on her narrow hips. "I don't think you want to have to explain to Abby why you can not assist in the protection of her well being."

He fits his tongue until he thinks he can taste some blood.

"Cool yourself off--and get back to work, Special Agent Gibbs."

He turns to leave, but stops. With his back facing her, he lets go of his throbbing tongue.

"You're only what you think you are, Jen."

"…and what is that supposed to mean, Special Agent Gibbs?"

His mean expressions turns into one full of snark. "You haven't got a clue on what I really think of you." Turning his head to the side, he opens his mouth again. "You'll never get close to my team--again."