A.N. This is one of those omgwtfmybrainitneedsbleach sort of ficlet. Just saying. Consider that your one and only warning. If you are continuing to read then I can recommend a good psychiatrist…
Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series (either book or movie) and make no money off of this work of crackfiction.
Chapter One
A sobbing seventeen year old Harry Potter slammed into the Meeting Hall, where the higher lever Death Eaters were gathered for a status update on their various projects. These Death Eaters were used to Harry Potter coming into their meetings; ever since he'd taken up his role as the Dark Lord's lover the boy had discovered that no room in the houses of his Death Eaters was closed to him.
Back to the sobbing…
"Auntie Bella! You'll never believe what he just said to me!"
The gathered Death Eaters were cunning, not Gryffindors; they fled to the walls as quickly as possible. Bellatrix Lestrange had taken an oddly maternal interest in Harry after murdering the boy's Godfather and as a result he'd taken to running to her to fight all of his battles; and she was one seriously scary, very crazy witch. The same seriously scary, very crazy witch who was now patting his hair and making creepy cooing noises that seemed to soothe the teen.
"Now, poppet, tell Auntie Bella what he said."
Draco Malfoy, 'Auntie Bella's' real nephew, wet himself.
"We just found out I'm pregnant and he said he'd get the Healer to handle it!"
No one needed clarification; the upset and now clearly hormonal teen was talking about their Lord (who really wasn't in charge anymore since Potter had come along and taken over the Death Eaters via crazy scary witch). A few of the fathers in the group remembered saying something similar upon being informed of their wives pregnancy and were reminded of why they only had one child; some were still sleeping in the parlor and others no longer had reproductive capabilities. Parents or not, they all cringed because there was no way this was going to end well.
"Don't worry, lovey, Auntie Bella's going to make it all better."
**The Next Day**
You Know Who Defeated! Bellatrix Lestrange Pardoned For Past Crimes!
By Rita Skeeter, freelance reporter too afraid to print anything but the truth
That's right, Witches and Wizards everywhere, rejoice for the Wicked Wizard is dead! Just last evening at a Death Eater meeting our missing hero Harry Potter burst into the room in tears; he and his lover, the now dead Dark Lord, had just been informed of Mr. Potter's pregnancy. According to unnamed sources Mr. Potter was in tears because of a rather callous remark made by the now dead man. After alluding to young Harry getting an abortion, You Know Who had the unmitigated gall to refer to the unborn child as 'it'.
Mr. Potter was not pleased, and ran immediately to Bellatrix Lestrange with whom he's developed a parent/child bond after the death of his Godfather. It was this love Madam Lestrange held for our young hero that gave her the strength to defy her Master and begin the mutiny that would end his life; it should be noted here that the other Death Eaters who participated in the mutiny did so out of fear for their lives from both Mr. Potter's hormonal state and Madam Lestrange's level of sanity. They have also been pardoned.
For now Harry Potter plans to relax during his pregnancy and, with the help of the now free Death Eaters, create a suitable environment to raise his child. We at the Quibbler wish him the best of luck with his pregnancy and wish him many happy returns of the upcoming birth of his child. We would also like to thank the Death Eaters involved and Bellatrix Lestrange for their assistance in ending this war and keeping safe Wizards and Witches everywhere.
Albus Dumbledore read over the news article once again, eyebrows raised.
"Somehow I never expected this to be the power the Dark Lord knows not."