"Oh my god" She whispered as Spike left the room a second time. The rest of the gang had all broken up to give the Slayer and older vampire some privacy.

"Buffy, I know this must be a big shock and …" He went to her pulling her into his arms. For a moment she reveled in the feeling of being held, having someone to be there to tell her it was ok. He kissed her forehead a few times and stroked her hair. "It'll be ok baby. We'll figure it out, together." As soon as the words hit her ears, she knew how untrue they were.

He meant well but this wasn't one of those times were she could make herself believe him. Pulling out of his arms, she brushed at the tears still clinging to her cheeks. "Buffy" he said softly, moving to pull her back into his arms, "No Angel," she whispered, taking another step back. "I need to be alone." With that she turned and left the room.

Going up to her own room on the apartment level of the building. When she got to her room, she picked up the black t-shirt that was laying on her bed and held it to her face, breathing in the intoxicating scent of Spike that was almost faded from the fabric. She slowly pulled off all of her clothes and slipped the well loved shirt on and crawled into bed, thinking of all that had happened in the last month and a half.

She and Spike had grown into a comfortable friendship near the end. He was still hurting, she could see it all the time. But they had an unspoken understanding that when it was over, they would see where they stood with each other and about what could happen between them in the future.

She had finally realized that she was in love with him and when she was finally being honest with herself, she had realized that she had been since just after she had come back from heaven. She had been so sure that they would all make it through the battle, like they always had, and when it was over, she was going to take him away for awhile, just the two of them and she was going to tell him and show him and convince him for as long as she needed to that she was truly in love with him.

All her hopes had been dashed when she realized exactly what the amulet's purpose was. Knowing he wouldn't make it out, she knew she couldn't let him die, for her, for the world, believing that she never loved him.

She desperately wanted him to know, to understand. So standing there, in the collapsing Hellmouth, fingers entwined, she had revealed her feelings to him and he had brushed them aside. "No you don't, but thanks for saying it." The words echoed in her mind as she pulled the blankets around her and stared at the ceiling. Then she was running and he was gone.

They'd come to LA to grieve and regroup. Coming to Wolfram and Hart had been a troubling decision for them. Knowing what it stood for and how it could have changed Angel and his group of friends made them leery.

But here they were and after a few days of laying in bed, constantly in tears, she had made herself get up and live. For Spike, her own personal champion, he told her once that he wanted to save the world, but she knew his decision was about saving her.

Somehow along the way, she and Angel had fallen into a routine. Though they hadn't discussed or labeled their relationship, they seemed to have slipped into a boyfriend/girlfriend way of interacting with each other. Flirting a little, hugs and a few stolen kisses, nothing pass a lingering kiss on the lips, comforting her when she did break down in the night over her lost lover. If things kept moving like they were, the pair would no doubt have been a couple again given some time.

But now Spike was back, as a ghost sure. But she could love him no matter what he was. She had already loved him as soulless vampire, why would this be so bad ? On the other hand, there was Angel. She still loved him and a part of her always would. He was her first love and that's not something you can just turn off.

It had, however, changed. She wasn't in love with him and after feeling the all consuming passion she had with Spike, she didn't think she ever could be. But it felt safe and comfortable.

At least she could touch him even if they couldn't make love, but who knows, that could change someday. With Spike she wouldn't even have that much. She knew that she had to make a choice though.

Tears started sliding down her cheeks as she thought of how unfair it was. She had just been willing to throw all her cares away and loose herself in her love for the most amazing man she'd ever met when he had been ripped from her.

Now he was back and she couldn't truly have him. She hated being the Slayer and even now that there were so many, she still couldn't get a break.

Sobbing, she kept playing memories over in her mind, *That night that he had held her so tightly as she slept, making her feel so safe and loved *The last night in her basement where they had truly made love for the first time, well, the first time for her, it had always been making love for him, no matter how rough or perverse Buffy had demanded him to be *The last few moments in the cave, her eyes pleading him to believe her. She would have wrapped her arms around him and kissed him and held him till they were both gone from this world, together.

Now she had to decide. Be with a vampire that she could never completely love, could never let herself be free with or beg Spike to believe her and live whatever life they could manage with his new ghostly status.

"No you don't …" The words echoing in the chaos of her mind as she sobbed in her bed.