He had been wandering the building for hours. Once more he had tried to leave and popped back into Angel's office. The second time he'd gotten there just in time to see Buffy shutting the door as she left and on the other side of the office, Angel throwing a fit.
Although he knew none of the objects being thrown and smashed in the office could hurt him, he didn't want to deal with Angelus at the moment and had slipped out the door unseen in time to watch Buffy's retreating form.
As he wandered, he was unknowingly running through the same memories as Buffy was. He had been so sure there at the end, that she was finally going to allow herself to love him. Then the chance came to ensure she went on living and give her a more normal life.
Out of his love for her, he had taken the chance. "I love you." The three words he'd been waiting his entire existence to hear, the words he'd been waiting to hear from her for several years, spoken with such sincerity, he had no choice but to believe.
But he could see something else in her eyes. She wanted his understanding and permission to give up on life and to die, again, this time in his arms. He savored those words for only a moment before saying the only thing he could think of to get her to leave.
The pain and resignation in her eyes when he said it almost broke him. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and allow her the release of the burden her life had become. He knew it was not only that, but she wanted to go out with him; to die in his arms.
He couldn't let her though, as he had told her once before, she have to go on living, so of them was living.
He heard her agonizing, gut wrenching sobs as he unknowingly walked down the hall her suite was connected to and as much as he wanted to keep going, he had to look in on her and make sure she wasn't hurt or in trouble, he had heard her cry a few times before, but nothing like this and it worried him.
He stepped through the wall and into the living room of her apartment. Going to the bedroom door, he looked in at the tiny blonde laying on her stomach in the large bed, looking smaller than he'd ever seen her.
Her hands covering her ears , her head turning back and forth trying to block out something he couldn't hear as her sobs ripped his heart to shreds. "Buffy" it was barely a whisper but she knew he was there, she could still sense him. "Spike!" she whispered in response, her sobs nearly chocking her.
He was at the bed in a moment, wishing in vain that he could hold her and comfort her. "I'm so sorry," She whispered to him. Not understanding what she meant, he assumed she meant that she was sorry about forgetting him and moving on, back to his sire.
He stiffened at her words and said nothing. She began to calm down, comforted by his mere presence. She rolled onto her side, one arm bent under her head to look up at him. "I'm sorry that I hurt you so much and I'm sorry I wasted so much time that we could have been together." She whispered to him, trying to read his face. After a moment he asked "But ?" Tears filled her eyes again. "I'm so confused again." He nodded and looked away from her, out the window at the skyline. "I was ready to take you away, tell you in how I felt. Let myself go and just be with you." She told him, moving to put her hand on his knee before remembering she couldn't. "You said that you believed me, when I told you that I love you, but you didn't then. Why ?" She asked softly. He looked back at her, the desire to hold her was making his arms ache, "I did believe you but I knew that if I let you know I believed you, you wouldn't have left. It was a chance for you to be free, to be normal. I wasn't gunna' be the reason that you died again." "Oh Spike," she sobbed, her hand covering her mouth. "From what I saw earlier, it looks like you have a decision to make, dontcha' Slayer ? Stay with your honey bear and hope that you can find a way around that happiness clause, if you haven't yet." The venom in his tone made her cringe. "Or throw away any chance you have for a mostly normal life and let yourself love a ghost and I can't even begin imagine how that relationship might work." She closed her eyes, wiping the tears away with the sheet. Useless as it was, they just kept coming. "I guess I'll make it easy for you Slayer. You love him and he loves you. He'll make you happy like I never could. I'll just hide in the basement till Peaches can figure a way for me to get out of here. You'll never see me again, won't even know that I'm here. Hope it works for you Slayer, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy, even if that means letting you go."
She looked up to see him half way across the room, moving towards the wall shared with the hallway. "Spike" she whimpered, her tears starting anew. He kept moving, every intention of ignoring her, no matter how much his heart was hurting. "Spike. Please ?" She sobbed bolting up in bed. "Please don't leave me !" She cried out to him, her heart shattering all over again and he could hear it in her voice.
He stopped and turned half way back to her, looking at her from beneath his eyelashes. "No baby, you're wrong." She whispered and if it hadn't been for his vampire hearing he wouldn't have heard her.
She pulled the blankets down and crawled to the end of the bed, wanting to be closer to him, she sat back on her knees "You won't make it easier for me. Don't you know by now ? It wouldn't have mattered if I had died with you, without I am dead. Angel made me feel a little better yes, but I could never feel about him the way I do about you. There is no choice to make. It's YOU Spike. I love you, with all my heart and soul. I can't live without you. I was trying, for you, cuz' it's what you wanted but it was just like when I came back from Heaven. I was dead inside and just going through the motions. But this time I didn't have you to help me through it. Angel could never take your place. I love you, it's you Spike, you're the one. "
By now the tears were streaming down his cheeks as well as hers and he had never wanted anything more, in his entire existence, than to pull her into his arms and hold her and kiss her and make love to her all night.
"Oh god luv" he cried dropping to his knees and crawling to the foot of the bed, laying his head on the mattress in front of her "I love you Buffy, so much, I love you more than anything." She lay down so they were face to face. "I love you to Spike, with all my heart; I don't ever want to be without you. I missed you so much. I will love you for all eternity."
Neither of them remembered his incorporeal state as they moved to join the hands that had burst into flames last time the were joined and leaned in to kiss each other. As their lips and hands met, their hands once again burst into flames.
They pulled back after a moment and looked at each other in awe, new tears of joy springing into their eyes. "Oh Christ, Buffy !" He moaned jumping into the bed and pulling her into his arms. They fought to get each other's clothes off and get under the sheet, desperate to feel each other's skin, cool against hot, a feeling they had both become addicted to. They made love over and over for hours. Declarations of love spoken on both parts every few moments. Till they fell asleep exhausted in each other's arms.