Title: The Weevils' Masquerade
Author: takisys
Prompt: Jack/Ianto; Weevil hunting.
Summary: It's Halloween, Jack has some plan, but he's not the only one.
Characters/ pairing: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Owen, Tosh and some special guests.
Rating: PG-13 for some touching.
Warnings: Just me playing with the prompt and shamelessly cheating.
Author's note: Written for the Halloween fest from Torchwood Fest community.
Beta: imzadimylove and jooles34 for the Brit picking
...
Jack tumbled into the main Hub carrying a box almost as big as him.
"You're a little early Harkness," Owen bantered. "Christmas isn't for two months."
"Yep, but Halloween is tonight if I recall," the Captain replied, putting his box down on the coffee table.
"Don't tell me you're planning on dressing us up?" "Ianto asked worriedly.
"As weevils?" Gwen asked with a disgusted grin, as she held out a mask of the said box.
"There's a new joke shop, offering all types of costume for hire and sale that's just opened in town and I just confiscated this," Jack explained removing his coat.
"They look quite like the real thing; you better be careful next time you go hunting," Gwen stated.
"Because you really think weevils are in real danger with those two?" Owen commented. "Seriously, do you know if he has sold a lot of those?" he asked.
"Three or four, the box is still almost full," Jack replied. "Though there could have been other boxes I suppose."
"Didn't you check the stock status?" Ianto asked.
"No, but hey there were lots of other cool costumes," Jack began to explain.
"What were you doing in a joke store?" Tosh suddenly asked.
"That really isn't the important point right now," Ianto cut in. "Halloween, as you said earlier, is tonight, most people have already bought or hired their outfit. At least, those who intend to dress up."
"Did your shop keeper tell you where he'd found these masks?" Owen asked.
"In fact, he managed to escape," Jack replied with a discomfited grin.
"Ianto you're coming with me, we better check the goods receipts at the shop," Gwen said.
Ianto was already on his way to follow without even reminding her she wasn't the actual boss when Jack blocked their path.
"I'll do this. I know where it is. I'll go back." he jerked putting his coat back on. "Purchase orders, receipts and all that." he listed.
"If you could also bring back anything useful in order to make a formal identification on your dealer, like DNA sample, fingerprints, it would be nice, too. You never know." Owen suggested.
"Consider it done. I'll be right back."
"I suspect our Captain has plans for tonight," Tosh said addressing a knowing smile toward Ianto.
"That's what I fear," he replied with a sigh.
...
Jack came back with all the shop's paperwork, a DNA sample and a wide choice of fingerprints.
"Apparently, he has sold only 28 weevil masks," Ianto said after a quick inventory.
"Well, Okay. First: we won't go hunting tonight," Jack said. "Then you, Gwen, you'll go and tell your nice buddies on the Force that a batch of smuggled disguises sold around town are carrying a disease risk and need to be confiscated. Remove on site as a matter of public health."
"We can't send them hunting weevils, Jack," Gwen and Tosh responded as one.
"True, but weevils rarely wander around in the company of ghosts or pirates," the Captain pointed out. "More generally, when there are too many people in the streets, the real ones remain in the sewers."
"Yep, it's true that they 're naturally shy," Ianto agreed "Except when they're overtaken by aggressive impulses."
"If we get involved tonight we might only provoke panic," Jack finally said. "We're better dealing with it tomorrow."
"Yes, we could arrange a return due to manufacturing defect, I think buyers will be happy to return a disguise they probably won't use again anyway; especially if they get a refund." Gwen proposed.
"I'd say it looks like the better call," Jack agreed.
"And guess who's going to deal with the hard graft?" Ianto muttered, turning away on his heel.
...
Everyone had left the Hub long time ago, but Tosh had stayed.
"Have you found something interesting on our weevils' dealer?" Jack asked walking over.
"I can already tell you Bob Sinclair is not his real name and about his weevils, they were made for him in Pakistan."
"Wow! That doesn't sound good, if you ask me," he replied.
"That's why I'm still looking for more."
"Did you get anything yet?"
"In fact, I found his real name is Ethan Raynes, one of her Majesty's subjects. He got into trouble with the authorities and has been transferred from the various universities where he studied or taught."
"Indiscretions?"
"The fact is that I can't find any charge other than troublemaker," Tosh replied with a sigh.
"Do you really think a mere troublemaker is worth you spending your evening here?"
"In fact, I've nothing better to do, and you know me when something nags at me," she replied without looking up from her screen. "But that shouldn't stop you from having fun. If by any chance I find anything really interesting, I'll call you. "
"Okay, well I'm going for a ride," Jack said
"Have fun," Tosh said, finally lifting her head and giving him a knowing smile. "I'll call you only if there is something urgent," she said.
Jack grabbed his coat, a large paper bag and took off in the direction of the underground car park. Toshiko staying late in the Hub was making things a bit more complicated. He wanted to surprise Ianto and in order to do so, he had to change outfits. He couldn't do it in the Hub because of cameras and more precisely because Tosh had little thing with cameras. He would have to change in the 4x4 which might require some acrobatics.
...
It was night, and nobody paid much attention to the beautiful redheaded nurse emerging from her black 4x4. He couldn't stop himself when he'd spotted it among the lots of other costumes; it was loosely based on nursing uniforms worn during the war. Arriving at the entrance of the building, he removed his coat, and while waiting for the lift, he adjusted his blouse and the wide Audrey Hepburn's style skirt. In the cabin, he checked his curled wig was still right and put on the small cap completing the outfit. A few minutes later, his coat over his arm, he was ringing at Ianto's door.
Ianto nearly strangled on his mouthful of beer.
"What do you think?" he asked, closing the door behind him, while Ianto tried to catch his breath back.
"You're really incredible," the young man eventually managed to articulate, wiping his eyes.
"Of course, I am," Jack replied, taking the bottle of beer from Ianto's hands to put it in a safer place. "So, do you like what you see?"
"The worst is that you're truly sublime," Ianto laughed, drawing his Captain in his arms. "What are you wearing under there?" he asked sliding his hand under the skirt to cup the buttocks of his lover.
"Hey, what kind of a gentleman are you?" Jack protested but squeezing even more against him. "I know you're interested," he added feeling the young man's erection pressing against his, despite his skirt and petticoat.
Ianto replied by taking his mouth in a long and possessive kiss. His hands finally managed to slip under the Captain's skirts, while the older man slipped his inside the large jeans Ianto wore outside of working hours. Ianto took advantage of the situation to tighten his embrace, his hardening shaft desperately seeking more contact with Jack's.
And then it was gone. Ianto frowned; failure was not really the kind of thing that usually affected the Captain. He looked down for an answer, but his eyes were stopped by a lovely pair of breasts that had no reason to be there.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked not so innocently.
"Jack?" Ianto asked with a grimace. Not that the view wasn't appealing, but seeing his lover shifting gender before his very eyes was a little unsettling.
"What's the problem?"
"Well, look at yourself."
"What's the matter? Don't tell me that I've a sudden rash," Jack replied heading toward the nearest mirror. "Well, then what's the problem?" she asked, shaking gracefully her beautiful lock of hair.
"You're a woman," Ianto summarised.
"Of course, I am."
...
"There's absolutely no way that I will ever cross the city decked out in that," Gwen said holding back a giggle.
"It's Halloween Gwen. It's meant to be fun," Rhys pleaded.
"Whatever, you already can't drive like this," Gwen argued. "And if I put this outfit on, I won't be able to drive either."
"I 'spose you've got a point. But you'll change in the car when we get there?"
"Yes, I will," she replied coming to kiss him, "You look like a big teddy bear like that," she joked, feeling the softness of his costume.
"I'm supposed to be a rooster, not a teddy bear."
"Are you sure you're a rooster?" she asked, stepping back to admire Rhys' outfit. "I'd say it rather looks more like a big fat chicken."
"I am a cock."
"If you say, so," Gwen teased him grabbing the mermaid costume Rhys had found for her in one hand and the car keys in the other. "Come on, we'll be late."
Rhys had to struggle to get into the car; not only was he tall but his costume added bulk to his already large fram.
"Well, I'm not in danger of getting a cold," he said.
"You might even get too hot," Gwen replied. She still couldn't believe Rhys had invested in such costumes for an evening with friends.
"I couldn't refuse such a bargain, Gwen," he had told her. "It really was the deal of a lifetime."
She hadn't driven half a mile, when she found herself trapped in her car with a huge chicken passenger flapping as much as he could.
"Good Lord, Rhys," she yelled.
Distracted she momentarily took her eyes off the road and had to pull the wheel sharply, swerving across the road, narrowly missing an oncoming car. She brought the car to a stop as soon as she could. Rhys, now fitted with a sharp beak, struggled madly to free himself from his belt, cackling like crazy.
"What ...?" she said horrified, and got out of the car. She looked around for a moment, searching for an answer, and then took out her mobile to call the Hub, but it began to vibrate before she even had time to dial the number.
...
Dr Owen Harper was on his third pint and was just beginning to enjoy the night. The pretty blonde sharing his table had an IQ matching Forrest Gump's, but for what he wanted of her that would be just fine. Because if the body she had had a brain to go with it, he might have been in danger of falling again. That was something he didn't even want to think about.
The pub was packed like a Friday night and a band of young people were making a racket at a nearby table. Owen couldn't help noticing because one of them had on a weevil mask. The guys were putting the mask on in turns to make the girls scream, nothing really bad. Noisy, but not bad.
"Oi," Owen jerked, rising before he had grasped what had really happened.
The last boy wearing the mask seemed to too much into the game, and toppled the group table causing a near panic. One of the girls had disappeared underneath it.
"Calm down," he shouted in an authoritative voice. "You're going to hurt someone."
That turned the weevil's attention to him. Owen only had time to raise his arm to protect his throat from its monstrous jaws. With his other hand he tried to neutralize the enraged creature the young man had become. There was a clash, shards of glass and a strong smell of brandy; Owen's brainless date had come to the rescue.
"My god, Dave," a girl shouted.
"What's going on here?" a bouncer asked, walking over.
Then Owen brandished one of his numerous fake cards and ordered the evacuation of the bar.
"Honey, could you handcuff him, please?" Owen told his one night girlfriend, she had probably told her name but he hadn't bothered registering it. "Are you okay?" he asked the young woman whose friends had managed to pull her out from under the table.
"I'll be fine. What about Dave?"
"We'll take care of Dave. You'd better go home," he replied.
Owen's arm was gushing blood, so he grabbed a towel to make a makeshift bandage around it, when his mobile began to vibrate.
...
Using her usual sources Tosh had had trouble finding anything tangible about Ethan Raynes, except for the fact that chaos seemed to accompany him wherever he went. Tired of wasting her time she finally entered his name followed by the words mask and costume into an internet public search engine. The results left her speechless.
More research only confirmed her first results. She reached for the phone and called Jack.
"Hello, Jack? I'm sorry, but I think we have a real problem."
"Really?" Ianto's voice replied.
"Ianto? Is Jack with you?"
"He better be. This is his mobile you rang."
"Tell me he didn't dress up as a weevil."
"Not really his kink or mine. I gather you've got an idea of what's going on?"
"Ethan Raynes, our weevil seller, is a wizard, and he's already done this once before. Did Jack ...?"
"Did Jack change? Yep."
"Does he still know who he is? Is he lucid?"
"Well that remains to be determined," Ianto replied.
"When you've finished playing the fool, pass me the phone," a voice that Tosh barely recognized said. "What's going on Tosh? Did you find something?"
"Jack, is that you?" she asked, "You should put Ianto back on the phone."
"As far as I know, I'm the boss, not Ianto, or you. Why don't you tell me what you've found? I'm guessing it's serious if you're calling. Is it about Ethan Raynes?"
"As I told Ianto, he is a wizard, and he's already done this once."
"What?"
"Bewitch disguises so that those who wear them become what they are dressed as."
"Oh," Jack's very feminine voice gasped. "That would put our weevil customers in danger of causing some damage. Warn the others. We're on our way."
"Can you hand the phone to Ianto?"
Jack rolled her eyes but threw Ianto the mobile and went to get her coat.
"Ianto?"
"Yes, it's me, but I don't know what Jack thinks"
"What do you mean?"
"Well Jack, even if she remembers she leads Torchwood, seems to be convinced she is a WWII nurse."
"A nurse?"
"I'm waiting," Jack's new voice said.
...
...
"Okay," Tosh said. "Remain calm. Chicken or rooster, it's still a day bird," she summarised. "Put something over his head to block the city lights. That should calm him down."
At the other end of the line, Gwen was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, her beloved Rhys's beak preventing her from getting back into her car.
"What am I suppose to put on his head, a bag?"
"Since it's not plastic, it would actually be the best choice."
In the end, Gwen had to sacrifice her leather jacket. At least, once immersed in darkness, Rhys had almost instantly calmed down. Good, now she could begin to sort her mind. She glanced sideways at the mermaid costume resting on the back seat: things could have indeed been a lot worse.
...
The pub manager reluctantly helped Owen to deposit the pseudo weevil into the back seat of his car.
"What are you going to do with him?"
"I'll take care of him," Owen replied without more detail and a firm tone meant to reassure. "What do you think you're doing?" he asked his young date, who had just taken the initiative of installing herself at the wheel.
"I don't think you're fit to drive," she answered ingenuously, patting his arm. "Give me your keys."
Owen looked dubiously at the girl, she looked like if she was having the time of her life. Was it Jack Harkness's long proximity getting to Owen? He was less inclined to trust innocent enthusiasm anymore. On one hand they might too easily become perfect collateral victims, and on the other hand they could also turn out to be perfect frauds. To Owen the girl was beginning to look pretty much like an imposter.
"Who the hell are you?" he asked impatiently.
"Angie, don't you remember? Give me your key," she reiterated holding her hand out.
With an exasperated sigh, Owen went around his car and got in.
"I guess you're right," he admitted, handing her the keys.
"Suspicious?" she commented turning the engine on.
"The simple fact that you noticed, might mean that I'm entitled to," he replied.
"Where are we going?" she asked with a big grin.
"Mermaid Quay," he replied.
"What betrayed me?"
"Your reflexes. And my boss spends most of his time acting like a nutter, to the point that even we tend to forget he's far from being an idiot."
"You should introduce us."
"I'm sure I won't."
"Why is that?"
"Because there isn't a girl who can resist him, and his boyfriend will put me on decaf for three weeks."
"Oh!" she replied. "That sounds like a good reason."
...
"I'll drive," Ianto said.
"Okay," Jack replied after a slight pause for reflection and handing him the keys to the 4x4.
"Are you okay?" Ianto asked.
Jack seemed troubled, pensive or thoughtful. It was weird to see him like that, with the same traits, same expressions, same build, but what used to be a wig had replaced his mop of hair. His voice had climbed an octave, and he was harbouring an attractive cleavage.
"I feel somewhat confused," he or she admitted.
"You disguised yourself," Ianto summarised
"So according to you, I'm not a nurse."
"No, you're not a nurse or even a woman."
"Ianto, something is going on at the Terra Nova. You and Jack are the closest..." Tosh warned them through their comms.
"On our way," Ianto answered changing direction.
"Have you anymore details?" Jack asked.
"A panic broke out amid a costume party. Sorry, but that's all I have," Tosh replied. "I'm doing an inventory of the different disguises that are potentially dangerous that were sold or leased by our friend."
"Keep in mind that size can play a role in the degree of dangerousness," Jack added with an amused wink at Ianto. "By the way, how Gwen's doing with her chicken?"
"It seems to be under control," Tosh replied.
"Who dressed up as chicken?" Ianto commented ogling over his lover's legs.
...
Gwen had to swerve to avoid a huge rabbit pursued by two weevils dressed in jeans and wearing trainers, and most certainly not living in the sewers. She stopped the car between them and their prey to give it or him a chance to run off.
"I think you can find something else for a snack," she shouted at them getting out of the car with her taser gun ready.
Both ugly faces seemed to consider the issue and then the bravest launched itself at Gwen. She was ready; he took the discharge right on the forehead.
"One out," she said with a smile. "So what are you waiting for? Don't be shy," she teased the more timid one.
After some hesitation, he finally opted to retreat.
"Oh no. No way," she said engaging the pursuit.
Siren sounds going off in an adjacent street surprised the newly-made weevil, giving Gwen the slight advantage she needed.
"And two," she said handcuffing his hands behind the back. "Sorry, but for your own safety, I couldn't let you run off."
The car was a good three minutes' walk away and the guy was heavy.
"Okay, well you stay quiet here. I'll go and get the car and your buddy back," she told the false weevil lying on the pavement. She needed to be fast if she wanted to be able to load the two of them into the boot of her car before they regained consciousness.
...
"Wow," Angie gasped, pressing the brake.
Two she-devils mounted on high heels were beating up a weevil. A pirate, assisted by a Dead Eater, seemed to want to rescue him.
"Can you handle a weapon?" Owen asked searching into the glove box.
"I don't need weapons," Angie replied, rushing out of the car.
Owen followed her, and then stopped to watch; in less than three minutes Angie had subdued them all.
"Okay, let's see if I got this right. We've got three arsehole hooligans planning on beating down drag queens just for the fun of it?" Owen summarised while binding the hooligan weevil with the pirate's belt. The weevil was the only one who could have blamed it on the transformation; the other two were just your ordinary arseholes.
"What do we do with them?" Angie asked.
"We're taking those lovely she-devils, and the weevil. As for the two other morons they aren't our concern," Owen replied with a grin, leaving Angie to load the devils in the boot, while the weevil joined his counterpart in the backseat.
"You and your friends, do you have any idea what's going on?" Angie asked, when resuming driving.
"Some guy seems to have bewitched costumes."
"I already got that part, thank you," she replied, laughing.
"What are you exactly?" he asked.
"A slayer." At Owen's wide open eyes she added. "I think something like this did happen once."
"A slayer?"
"Long story. The man you're looking for is Gilles, Rupert Gilles."
"Tosh you've got something on a Rupert Gilles?" Owen asked through his com.
"Wait, I think I saw his name somewhere while researching about Raynes."
"I have his number, I'll call him," Angie cut in.
"Who's this guy?"
"He'll know how to stop this," she replied. "Where do I go now?"
"Well there, turn right, the car park entrance is a little further."
...
Ianto had to stop the 4x4, the area was cordoned off. People were running in all directions: cops, fire-fighters, vampires and demons of every kinds plus some sort of other strange creatures. Amid this chaos, there were also ordinary citizens who were simply trying to save their own lives, or trying to make their boyfriends or girlfriends to understand that they were not what they were dressed as.
"I don't think we can be very helpful here," Ianto commented.
"Make a U-turn," Jack told him. "We need to find Raynes. If there's a way to stop this, he will know."
"Next street, turn right, and then the third on the left," she said after a while.
"I thought you said you had no recollection of buying anything?"
The fake nurse gave him a surprised look.
"I don't remember buying something, but I remember quite well confiscating the masks," she replied. "It's over there, look."
"It looks like someone is in," Ianto said gesturing at the dim glow coming from the back of the shop.
"You take the front door. I'll take the back one. He won't escape this time," Jack said, recovering the gun from her holster amongst the pile of clothes in the backseat.
The lock didn't give Ianto much trouble. He discreetly managed to find his way through the darkness of the shop. Pointing his weapon down, he advanced quietly towards the back room where dim light came flickering; candles. A half naked man was kneeling in the middle of a huge pentagram, he seemed to be praying but Ianto could only see his back.
"Weren't you taught to knock before coming in?" the man said with a dangerous edge to his voice.
"You've ruined my evening," Ianto replied in the same tone.
"I might be very sorry," the wizard replied, getting up with graceful arrogance. "But you didn't come alone," he added, hearing from behind his back the click of Jack's weapon safety.
"No, in fact I brought my date," Ianto smiled. "Not too disappointed, I hope?"
Ianto cautiously remained outside the ceremonial circle, while the wizard remained carefully within its centre, casting a glance at the intruder who blocked his way out.
"Captain? You're sublime," he said, and then turning to Ianto, he added, "I don't understand why you're complaining."
"Enough Raynes," Jack snapped, now beginning to lose patience and sense of humour.
"You're right, enough joking," the wizard agreed, his foot knocking over a cup in which a mixture of herbs and spices was burning away, causing a cloud of dust. "Have fun," he said before disappearing behind a garments rail.
"He's got another way out," Ianto managed to say in the midst of a coughing fit.
But then, when they pulled the clothes rail, they found no exit.
"Teleported?" Ianto asked Jack, who had opened his manipulator.
"No, no residual energy," Jack replied puzzled.
"Magic?" Ianto suggested, but then, sweeping up the soil on which the dust had settled in an almost thick layer, "Hatch?" he guessed.
"Hatch," he finally announced with a satisfied smile, opening the door he'd just found "Oh, our Weevil maker didn't choose the safest exit or the most enjoyable."
...
Jack and Ianto trudged down the drain for a good half hour before finding Raynes in good company. Three real Weevils seemed ready to argue over his favour.
"Get me out of here," he moaned.
"And why would you want us to do that?" Jack asked. "I think they like you and I would have thought it was mutual."
"I don't know if you know this, but they're very sociable creatures when you get to know them," Ianto added as one of the weevils was curiously feeling Raynes.
"You need me to break the spell," Raynes argued as he was surrounded. "And you know that very well; otherwise you wouldn't be here, am I wrong?"
Jack shrugged helplessly.
"You've got no idea what you're giving up," she said with a knowing grin. "And they're not going to like it," she added more seriously to Ianto.
The young man moved slightly to let a way out, while Jack jammed her gun into the waistband of her skirt.
"What do you think you're doing?" the wizard said now truly anxious.
"We're on their territory, so we're going to do it gently," Jack said and without turning her back on the sewer's occupant she managed to slip by Raynes' side.
"They are females and they are looking for a mate. Very carefully, we're going to let them politely know that you're not available," she added, taking Raynes' hand in hers.
"And do you really believe they're going to let us go that easily?"
"No, that's why we'll have to sprint. When you're ready, Ianto!"
Ianto then fired a shot into the empty tunnel startling the three lady weevils. Jack tightened her grip on Raynes' hand before breaking into a sprint through the tunnel by which they had come. Ianto rushed after them firing into the air to protect their escape.
"Let's take the first exit going up," he shouted.
Arriving at the first ladder going up towards the surface, Raynes meant to go first but Jack stopped him.
"What was I thinking?" Raynes said with a smirk. "Ladies first," he said, glancing salaciously at Jack's legs and back at Ianto.
"I'll go first," Ianto said, and he just did that.
The hatch opened on a deserted street. They were only two streets away from Raynes' shop. Ianto helped Raynes out and immediately handcuffed him.
"We'll make sure you're not giving us more trouble now," he said with a smirk "Jack?" he called, the Captain was arranging her skirts under her coat.
"My shoes are ruined," she replied with a disappointed pout.
"You're really sure you want me to break the spell?" Raynes asked. "Don't you two want to have some fun first?"
Ianto and Jack exchanged a contrite sigh; of course this idea was tempting.
"There are people dying out there. You better stop joking now."
"And what am I to gain?"
"It just brought you the choice between prison and sharing Janet's cell until the end of your life," Ianto said with a sarcastic smile.
"Who's Janet?"
"Only one of these nice creatures squatting the city sewers, except she has completely lost it and is a bit more aggressive."
"You must understand that I will need some ingredients ..."
"Jack, Ianto," Tosh called in their comms "Forget about Raynes, we don't need him."
"What do you mean?" Jack asked.
"You only need to break the idol he used to summon the spell," she said.
"And how will I know that idol?"
"It can be anything, but you should recognize it easily, it will be in the middle of a pentagram."
"Ingredients, you'd say?" Ianto asked dangerously. "We should probably send him back to his beloved, don't you think so?"
"Don't tempt me," Jack replied just before sprinting towards the shop.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..
"Damn, I wish I could have seen Jack as a woman," Gwen sighed.
"I'm sure she was gorgeous," Tosh replied with a smile.
"As for me, I leave it to Ianto," Owen grinned.
End