Sorry it took so long to get this posted. I had the best of intentions last week to get it up for you, but I got distracted by shopping. I know, I sound like Alice.
I did want to let you all know that I will be starting another fic as well. It's untitled as of now, but it's going to be Emmett/Bella. It's going to be rated M just to be safe. I am going to try to concentrate on more humor in it instead of angst, but I'll have to throw some of that in there as well. If you want to check it out, I should have the first chapter posted soon.
Also, I am ecstatic to announce that LTLA has been nominated for the Indies Twific Awards! I am so flattered and thankful to whoever nominated me. If you like the story and want to vote, please go here: .
We're switching back to BPOV.
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Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, any of the characters in Twilight, or anything related to the books and/or movies. If I did, I would be way too busy- doing dirty things with the Cullen boys- to sit down at my laptop and write this story. The scenes and general plot ideas that I did borrow from Stephenie Meyer have been revamped to fit my story.
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Learning to Live Again
Chapter Forty-Seven: An Eye-Opener
"Are you sure that it doesn't still sting, Jasper?" I asked for about the tenth time as we walked toward my house. We were taking our time, both of us wanting to be with each other, both knowing and dreading the conversation that was going to happen once we were back in my bedroom.
"It's fine, Bella, I promise. I've had much worse, darling, but thank you for being so worried," he replied as he dropped a kiss on my forehead. I felt Jasper's cold arm wrap around my shoulder, pulling me into his side.
I sighed before responding. "Jasper, of course I worry about you. I love you, but I'm just so angry with you right now. And Edward. And Alice. And Jacob," I told him, honestly.
"Why not Esme?" he asked. I didn't look up at him, but I knew that he would have his eyebrow raised in a questioning gesture.
"Esme was acting as a protective mother," I said with a shrug of my shoulders. "Mine would do the same, if not something more extreme."
"So Esme can be protective of you, but I can't?" he asked.
I sighed again. We were still a couple blocks from my house, but I was thankful that it was late. There was minimal lighting from the street lamps that we were passing so I wasn't completely blind. There was silence throughout the neighborhoods, everyone else in Forks having gone to sleep hours ago. Lucky bastards didn't have to traipse around the woods worrying about battle moves to defeat a small army of vampires.
"Jasper, I would never expect you to not worry about me. We love each other. That comes along with it. Honesty does, too, though. If we're going to be together and make this work then I need to know that you will always be truthful with me, and that you will always discuss things with me instead of going behind my back to make decisions for me," I explained.
"I thought that you knew that. And I'm so hurt right now, because I never expected you to do anything like this. You were basically working with the people closest to me to try and trick me." My voice was rising with my emotions, but I couldn't control myself right now. "How am I supposed to trust you?"
Jasper stopped walking and pulled me to where I was standing directly in front of him. He moved his hands to frame my face, making me look into his eyes.
"Bella, if nothing else, you can trust me. I love you more than I ever believed I could love someone, and you should know that I would do anything for you. Always," he vowed.
I could feel a few stray tears fall down my cheeks at his declaration. "Deep down, I know. I'm just hurt that you went behind my back with my friends." I turned from him and started walking again. We stayed like that for the rest of the walk home. Neither of us spoke, Jasper following a couple yards behind me.
When we got to my front porch, I walked up the steps and turned to look at him. "I need to be alone tonight, Jasper. I'll see you tomorrow after school." I leaned down and kissed his forehead before turning back to my front door. When I grabbed the handle, I paused. "I love you," I whispered without looking back. As I shut the door behind me, I heard the three words whispered back.
I stood leaning against the door for a moment and was grateful when I heard my father's loud snoring. He was still fast asleep, so if I could manage to make it up the stairs without falling I would be in the clear. I let my eyes adjust to the dark house and slowly made my way up the stairs. The silence in the house was deafening, and I was barely able to keep my concentration on the task at hand.
As I was halfway up the stairs, I noticed that my cheek was wet. I lifted my hand to my face and stopped in surprise. I hadn't even noticed that I was crying again. Frustrated with myself, I continued up the stairs and walked slowly to my bedroom. I stopped before opening the door, listening for Charlie's snores of confirmation that he hadn't heard me. Once I was satisfied that he was still fast asleep, I walked into the dark room and fell onto my bed.
"What are you doing here, Edward?" I asked as I caught a glimpse of him sitting in the rocking chair that I still had in my room. Up until last year, he had spent so many nights in that rocking chair, watching over me as I slept.
"I wanted to explain myself to you," he answered simply.
"You don't have to, Edward. I'm not your girlfriend anymore; you can do whatever you want to do," I said. I rolled onto my side, facing away from Edward. I kicked off my shoes, letting them fall to the floor of my room.
"I am doing what I want, Bella," he insisted. "I want to have a discussion with you."
"In my bedroom? In the middle of the night? Do you think Jasper would appreciate that, Edward?" I asked him. I sat up on my bed and faced him. I was exhausted, angry, and hurt. If he wanted to put up with me at my current state, fine. We would do this.
"We can be trusted, Bella. Jasper will understand," Edward stated. I knew he was right. Neither of us would do anything to hurt Jasper, but I was hoping that would've at least made him more uncomfortable. I should've known better.
"So let's do this, Edward. Go ahead and explain yourself."
"First of all, I think that I have been extremely understanding since my return, so I would appreciate it if you cut the attitude," he ordered. My face whipped around to his in shock. Edward had never spoken to me like that. He could see the shock and hurt on my face, and he immediately tensed. "I didn't mean that to come out so harshly, but I'm frustrated with your recent behavior."
"Why? I've always argued with you, Edward." I adjusted on the bed, sitting with my legs crossed so that I could face him directly.
"Bella, you have argued your point, because you're strong-willed. But you have never acted like a know-it-all or picked a fight with me," he replied. "It's not just me, either. I heard you yelling at Jasper outside. I know that you feel betrayed by our actions, but you have to understand why we did what we did."
My face fell. Of course, I knew. I wasn't a child. I understood their need to protect me at all costs. But I also understood my need for self-preservation. "Edward, you know me so well. Why are you asking that?"
"I can't read your mind, darling," he teased. He stood from the rocking chair and moved to sit on my bed. We both just looked at each other for a moment. This was a familiar position for us, but instead of the desire we used to feel for each other it was now merely awkward.
I chuckled before continuing. "My favorite thing about Jasper is that he accepts me as I am, and he doesn't expect me to live up or down to standards that he sets for me without my permission or opinion. Going behind my back because he thinks he knows what is best for me is the exact opposite of that. I love him so much that it scares me. In the past year, I never once believed that I wouldn't spend eternity with you. But now I know that I won't. I belong with him; I belong with him forever."
"You've been through a lot recently, partially because of me," Edward said with guilt lacing his voice. I moved my hand to rest on top of his on my comforter.
"We're past that already, Edward," I stated. "I just don't want anything to go wrong with mine and Jasper's relationship. I am already so paranoid and so self-conscious, that I cannot afford to be constantly wondering if he's keeping something from me. And the same applies to you, Alice, and Jacob. I love all of you in different ways, and I feel inferior to all of you in different ways."
"Bella, there's no need to feel inferior. You are the most amazing person that I have ever met in my entire existence. I know that Jasper feels the same way. Alice loves you as if you were already her sister, and so do Rosalie and Emmett. You know that Carlisle and Esme have already adopted you as their own. And Jacob's feelings… well, they've changed recently but have not lessened."
"I know all that, Edward, but I just can't hold onto it for long. What about when the ball drops? What about when Jasper realizes that I'm nothing special. What about the day that he leaves me? I've gone through that once, and I cannot do it again. As much as I love him, and as much as I've thrown myself into our relationship, I have to continue to protect myself. That means sticking up for myself and making my own decisions. It's the only ounce of control that I have in my life right now," I whispered. I hung my head, concentrating on the pattern of my carpeting.
"You silly human," I heard from the doorway. My head snapped up toward the window to be met with Jasper's intense gaze. "Here you are feeling inferior to us when it's really the other way around."
"I'll leave you two to discuss this further," Edward whispered. He stood from the bed and dropped a kiss to my forehead before jumping from the second story window without a sound.
Jasper walked into my bedroom, pulling the door closed behind him. "May I?" he asked, gesturing to the bed. When I nodded, he came and sat beside me. "Do you want to change into your pajamas, darling?" I nodded again but made no move. Jasper smirked before standing and going to my dresser. He pulled out one of his tee shirts that I had started collecting. I didn't do it on purpose, really. They just sort of stayed behind after he left.
He came back to the bed and I slid off my jeans without speaking. Jasper's hands went to the bottom of the shirt that I was currently wearing and lifted it off me. I stood so that I was flush up against him and unhooked my bra. Jasper's hands went to the straps to remove it from my body. Once it was on the floor, we just stood there. I let Jasper take in the sight of me before him, waiting for his next move.