Illumination
Alone in the dark, this is where I need to be. A bottle in each hand, on the floor, in the corner where I don't have to see anything and no one needs to see me. I'm going to empty the bottles and hope that somehow I become empty instead.
I should have grabbed more wine, it still hurts; it's like a ball of fire inside of me. Aldous taught me well and I know the sacrifice Wynne has been talking about is here. I have to rip my heart out and give it to another woman.
Swirling the dregs in the bottom of the bottle, I see glimpses of my life ahead. It's dull and dark and dusty. And lonely, it's so painfully lonely and empty. Maybe with enough wine I won't feel the pain of the loneliness.
Struggling to my feet, gripping the shelves, the room tilts and I hold on for dear life because I'm not sure I can stand up if I fall. I briefly think about letting go, I've heard hitting your head can make you forget things.
I know I'm weaving and I should probably go to bed but my heart's not numb enough to rip from my chest yet. So instead I grab two more bottles of wine and stagger back to my dark and cramped corner. I know my face is red, I can feel it burning; even when I lay it against the cold stone it burns. Maybe if I am lucky I can combust from within.
My eyes won't open, I'm drowning, finally, drifting, but I won't be free when the sun comes up. I'll be trapped in a hell of my own making for the rest of my life. Please, Maker, don't let me wake up.
"Leli, I found her." Zevran's heart ached at the sight of her. Her eyes were swollen and puffy from crying and she was surrounded by empty wine bottles. Curled in a ball she was so small and vulnerable. Moving between the shelves and the wall he scooped her up.
Leliana gasped when she saw her. "Oh, 'Reyna!"
Sareyna stirred and opened her eyes slowly.
"Come on Querida, we're going to take you to Alistair."
"No, please, I can't. Take me to my own room." Each word was enunciated deliberately.
Leliana and Zevran exchanged a look, "What did he do, Querida?"
"Not him, me." She turned and tucked her face against Zevran's chest. "My room."
Zevran pressed his lips in a grim line and looked at Leliana, "Go back to your room Leli. I can take care of her from here."
Leliana raised a brow, "Are you sure?"
Zevran nodded and moved towards the stairs, navigating his way in the dark basement easily. "If you want to help, keep Alistair away from her tonight." Without another word he took her to her room.
He laid her on the bed and removed her boots. With a cool damp cloth he cleaned her tear stained face. After her face was cleaned he pulled the blankets and coverlet up over her. He eased himself into the chair in the corner and prepared himself for a long night.
He had seen it on her face when she had returned from Fort Drakon. Her eyes had seemed a bit duller. Something in that prison had broken a piece of her, damaged her in some way. Alistair had seen the change in her too.
Afraid of the sudden change, he had sent Leliana and Zevran to find Sareyna. She had disappeared after asking him to tell Anora she was too tired to speak with her after her time in Fort Drakon and would speak with her tomorrow.
Zevran had begun to feel a little panicked after several hours of searching for her to no avail. They had ended up, covertly, doing a room by room search of the entire estate. Zevran had flirted with a pretty kitchen elf who had finally told him that Sareyna had disappeared into the basement wine cellar hours before.
He was sure that he was currently the topic of conversation in the kitchens. The young elf had been more than a little angry when he had left her to go get Sareyna. She had even yelled at his back as he left, calling him a disgusting shem lover. Zevran had laughed and couldn't help from laughing again now.
My head is killing me and my mouth feels like desert sand. I feel the slight ache, the not quite right feeling in my limbs that reminds me of my night of wine and tears. I crack my eyes open slowly, the sunlight like daggers to my eyes. Seeing the stone walls of Eamon's estate I stifle a sob. It wasn't all a nightmare. I slowly reach behind me, fearful of finding my lover sleeping at my back.
"He's not here, Querida."
My heart gives a start at the sound of Zev's voice. I don't respond, unsure if my voice will even work. I let my eyes slip closed again, hoping against hope that it will all be gone when I open them again. Several moments of stillness tick by in silence before Zevran prompts me into movement.
"No matter how long you close your eyes. It will all still be real when you open them. Then again if you leave them closed long enough, everything might be gone, ripped apart by war and Darkspawn." Standing he strides across the room to the bedside. "Come, I'll call for a bath."
He helps me to sit up as the room is still spinning. I sit there, staring numbly at the wall while he drifts around the room. "The Arlessa sent up some clothes for you if you would like. Or, I cleaned your armor last night while you were sleeping, if you prefer."
I finally manage a smile. My dear sweet assassin, my friend, he knows me perhaps better than anyone. Even when the darkness in me spills forth, he understands in ways the others can't, not even Alistair.
I wince at the name, even in my own head it's painful to hear. I stand and move slowly towards the tub. "I think I'll need my armor today Zev." He smiles that knowing smile at me and lays the armor out on the bed before slipping from the room.
The bath looks inviting and I strip quickly, before sliding into the water. Relaxing back into the tub, my head cradled over the back, I close my eyes.
It's Rory's face I see. His body bare and broken, laid with countless other bodies. His green eyes are blank and staring. His laughter gone, beaten from him, his life stolen and thrown away.
Trying to push the thoughts away I remember the old man in the cell that was next to mine. His frail body beaten and bloodied all for using his rights as a freeholder to oppose Loghain.
I feel it settle heavy over me. I have to stop this senseless war. And well trained little Cousland that I am, I know exactly the best way to do it. Curse Aldous and his lessons.
Feeling utterly defeated, I climb out of the tub and dry off quickly. I pull on my smalls, then my trousers and tunic. Almost as soon as the tunic settled around me, Zevran sweeps into the room. I try to smile for him and fail miserably. Thankfully he lets it slide, opting instead to help me into my armor. With the two of us it goes quickly, and I can't help but wish for more time.
Zevran gently steers me over to the vanity, pushing down on my shoulders to get me to sit. He combs his fingers through my hair, getting out the worst of the tangles. Tears start spilling down my cheeks unbidden. Alistair usually does this for me and it hurts to realize that he will never do it again. Zevran leans down to kiss my temple. He won't prod, it's not his way and I am grateful.
Once he has the worst of the tangles worked free he picks up the brush and runs it through my hair. He picks up a leather thong and secures my hair in a high ponytail. Wiping away my tears with his fingers he kisses the crown of my head then helps me up. "There, are we ready to face the world now?"
I can't stop from biting my lip, but the image of Rory's body helps me to steel myself for what I must do. "Anora first."
I see the disgust flash across Zevran's face but I suspect most would have missed it. Clearly, he blames Anora for the time I spent in Fort Drakon and the hours of healing I had needed upon my return to the estate.
"I'm coming with you."
I pull myself up a bit straighter and put on my best noble airs. "Not this time, amico." I turn, not giving him a chance to answer, and leave.
Anora's door looms huge in front of me and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. Erlina answers the door. As I walk in I see Anora standing, staring at the wall, pain marring her pretty features. When she hears me walk in she wipes away a tear and I watch as her whole posture changes.
If I wasn't about to end all the happiness I could have ever had, I might have laughed at the way her back suddenly straightens, making her stand up taller. She clasps her hands demurely in front of her and tries to smile. I want to warn her to be careful, not to break her pretty face trying to smile, but I hold my bile in check instead.
"Ah, Lady Cousland."
I wouldn't bow to her, I couldn't bring myself to do it, not now, but I was still capable of being civil. "Your Majesty."
Anora's lip twitches, "I know you have never cared for me Sareyna, but once upon a time I had hoped we could be friends. You were so important to my husband." Her sigh is tired and long suffering. "It wasn't until our wedding night that I realized how important you were to him."
She smiling bitterly she carries on, "Our first time together…was a disaster. He was drunk and I was afraid." Pausing she looks back at the wall. "After it was over he climbed from what was to become my bed and moved to the table. He had placed a bottle of brandy there on our way into the room. I watched him pour himself yet another tumbler full."
Anora is turning red, though whether from embarrassment or anger I'm not sure.
"He sat in the chair, facing the fire and said, plain as day 'I wish father had let me marry Sareyna.' And I admit, I hated you after that." Anora turns to me again, "With every fiber of my being I hated you Sareyna, because you had what I was never able to have, his love."
Watching her, and the shifting, half hidden emotions on her face I suddenly realize she didn't have anything to do with her father's machinations. "You loved him."
Anora smiles at me, really smiles and it is like sunlight. "From the first day he gave me that lopsided smile. And I tried to impress him with my knowledge of politics, but he always seemed bored. When my father told me of our betrothal I was so excited, so happy. I played hard to get in an effort to keep him interested." Stopping she shakes her head as if trying to clear it. "Alistair said you cremated him?"
"Of course, he was my friend and my king."
Anora nods, she motions for me to follow her and we both sit by the fire. "I am tired of fighting and I am tired of political double speak. So let me be plain. I want to remain the Queen. I think we both know that I am the right person to be leading Ferelden."
"I know you are an excellent ruler, Anora. But we have a civil war going on right now because of your father. The Landsmeet will be hesitant to back you."
Anora sits forward, clearly excited. "You see, this is why I need you. With your support I believe we could win the Landsmeet. We have to put forward a united front against my father."
My heart stops, it will be over soon. Swallowing the lump in my throat and trying to keep my eyes steady, I become the dutiful little Cousland I was trained to be. "How would you feel about marrying Alistair?"
Anora looks as if I have slapped her, "What? But…" She sputters for a few seconds before she regains her composure but she still seems unable to speak.
"Think about it Anora. You know how to rule the country and you'll get to remain queen. It will appease those who are currently siding with your father, showing them that no one plans to take the crown away from you; showing that the concerns are with your father, not with you. And those who still want a Theirin on the throne and are angry about what happened with Cailan will be placated by Alistair being king, stilling the rumors of your involvement."
"What about the two of you? I rather thought the two of you were…" she lets her sentence trail off.
Plastering my best Cousland smile on my face I reassure her, "We are Anora. But this war needs to be over as quickly as possible. Too many people are dying and worse, and the Blight is eating across the country. I would do anything to save my country. This is the most expedient way to end the war. It makes sense." I take a slow breath and plough ahead, "I'll stay out of the way."
I can see her thinking it over, "Marrying Alistair? Have you spoken with him about it yet?"
"No, I'm going to speak with him next."
"I can't imagine he'll be happy about it, but if you can convince him I'll marry him, for the sake of Ferelden."
I stand and head towards the door, "Alright, I'll go speak with him now."
Bitterness dripping in her voice Anora speaks quietly, "And so like a dark cloud, you'll hang over both my marriages."
"I'm sorry, Anora." And I mean it, for all four of us.
I close the door behind me as I leave, leaning against it for support. I breathe deeply, trying to gather my courage. I can do this, I have to. I walk to Alistair's room, tears threatening every step of the way. My hand feels leaden as I raise it to knock. And it should, ending your life should be hard, should be painful.
Alistair opens the door with a smile and it feels as if I've been sucker punched. I see his smile falter and I brush past him quickly into the room. I stare at the fire as he closes the door.
"'Reyna, Is everything all right?"
I try to smile, can feel the curve of my lips but it misses my eyes and we both notice it. He takes a step towards me and I step backwards. He's hurt and confused, and Maker I'm just going to make him hurt worse.
I clear my throat, "I've decided to support Anora during the Landsmeet." I catch glimpses of confusion, annoyance and finally reluctant acceptance cross his face.
"There was a time when I would have been relieved to hear that, but now I'm not so sure."
Oh Maker, I have to do this before I lose my courage. "I think you should marry Anora."
Alistair bursts out laughing, it slowly tapers off and he looks at me incredulously. "Wait, you're serious? What about us?"
"It's a good compromise. It'll appease the Landsmeet and end the war. Then we can focus on the Blight." I try hard to hold myself in check. My heart is screaming so loud I think he'll hear it as it rages. Tell me I'm an idiot, tell me you could never marry anyone else, and tell me that if you can't be with me you won't be with anyone.
I see the pain on his face; I wonder if, almost hoping, he can see mine. I see the moment he decides and I feel like I'm going to faint. His face, always so open, so expressive becomes shuttered.
I did that to him. I killed a piece of him as sure as I killed a piece of myself. I don't deserve him or his love. He turns away from me; his voice is quiet and tight, "Fine. Go tell her I agree." He walks to the door and holds it open. Struggling not to hang my head, I leave.
Anora is still sitting at the fire looking anxious. "He agreed." I can manage no more. As soon as she nods her head in acknowledgement I leave. I force myself to walk calmly to my room. I feel like a heartbroken child, I just want to run and cry until I can no longer do either.
Before I reach my room I realize I can't stay. I'll beg him to forgive me, to take me back. I'll lose my sanity and call the whole thing off.
My pack is already packed and leaning against the wall, next to the door in my room. If I was still able to smile, if I wasn't irrevocably broken I would smile again at how thoughtful Zevran is, how well he understands me. Instead, I sling my pack over my shoulder and leave the estate as quickly as I can without attracting unwanted attention.
I'm lucky no one takes advantage of my distracted state as I leave the market district and exit the city all together. I'm only halfway to my destination when I feel someone watching me.
"I know you're there Zev. Come out, where I can see you."
Zev appears beside me as if from thin air. "Did you really think I was going to let you camp in the forest alone?" Before I speak he holds up his hand to silence me. "Querida, I am here to keep you from being harmed. The woods are dangerous at night, especially for a Grey Warden. I ask for nothing other than the right to protect my friend."
Knowing there is no way to dissuade Zevran when he gets this way I nod and continue to walk. In less time than I expect we are at the clearing where we had camped before entering Denerim. Zev and I set up our tents in silence and when I crawl into mine without a word, Zev does not question it. I dig into my pack and pull out the sleeping potion I swiped from Morrigan. Drinking it down quickly, I wait for oblivion.
When he heard a branch snap in the woods he didn't even bother to rise. "Come on by the fire Alistair before you break a leg or something."
Alistair moved into the clearing, a sheepish smile on his lips, "I need to see her."
Zevran smiled, "I was wondering how long it would take you to get your head out of your royal ass." He sobered slightly, "Sareyna seems to have taken a sleeping potion, we will not be able to wake her until it wears off in a few hours."
"Do you know why she did it Zev? I mean, did I do something wrong? Does she not really love me?"
Zev shook his head, "Sometimes you are an idiot."
Alistair flashed a wry grin, "Yeah, but she already knew that."
Zev looked at Sareyna's tent, indecision warring on his face. Finally, he turned back to Alistair, "She has been weeping in her sleep. Weeping and calling out for you. She thinks it's best for the country, to stop the war." He sighed and pushed his hair back. "I wish I knew what it was that she saw at Fort Drakon."
Alistair settled down on the ground next to Zevran, "I'm not sure, but I don't want the two of us being casualties of this war. I love her; I don't want to be with anyone else and certainly not Anora."
"And why, pray tell, did you not tell her that earlier?"
Alistair sighed, "Because I was hurt and angry. Because she was giving me to another woman, she blindsided me." He paused, "Because I'm an idiot."
Zev nodded without further comment.
The silence stretched on, only the sounds of the night keeping them company. Zevran seethed at Alistair. He knew that Alistair loved Sareyna, but when push had come to shove he had given her up without a fight. Sareyna deserved better than either of them.
He was pulled from his thoughts at the sound of Sareyna's anguished cry. This time it wasn't Alistair's name she called out but Rory's, Zevran's head ached at the thought. Was that what she had seen at Fort Drakon?
Ser Gilmore had been her steadfast friend since childhood. After Redcliffe Sareyna had regaled them all with tales of her numerous escapades with Ser Gilmore. Leaving him behind in Highever had been almost as difficult for her as leaving her parents.
Had he been captured and tortured? Had seeing her lifelong friend there been what had dulled her beautiful violet eyes? Had he been at Fort Drakon and if so why hadn't she demanded they save him as well?
Alistair stared wide eyed at her tent, "Why would she call out for him, now of all times? Isn't that odd?"
"Not if he was at Fort Drakon."
"Oh Maker…all these months? No one could survive in that place for that long, could they? And we just left him there." Alistair fell silent for several moments, "No, she would have had us break him out too, right?"
"I cannot imagine her leaving him if he was still alive. She had us release the old man in the cell next to hers. No, if he was there, he did not still live by the time we had arrived. It is, however, possible that he was killed while she was there."
Sareyna cried out again behind them and this time it was Alistair's name she sobbed. Both men stared into the fire, trying not to think about Sareyna and what was plaguing her dreams.
As the night dragged on Sareyna's dreams came and went. Mostly, she cried for Alistair, making him shift uncomfortably outside of her tent, pain coloring his face. But sometimes it was Rory's name she called, each time sounding more pained and broken than the last.
With the first rays of dawn shining in the camp Sareyna sobbed, babbling for several minutes before the men heard her gasp. The two men heard shuffling coming from inside the tent, and Sareyna's voice. "Maker, forgive me."
All fell quiet for several more minutes before they could hear the shuffling noises from inside the tent again. Sareyna's voice called out, "Zev, pack up. We need to get back before the others realize we're gone. Also, we have to check out the Alienage today, who should we bring?"
Sareyna was climbing out of her tent and shrieked, almost falling back into her tent when she heard Alistair's voice.
"How about me?"
Zevran watched, amazed and horrified as Sareyna's politician face wiped away any discernable emotion. On her, it was eerie.
"No, you should stay at the estate and speak with Anora. You two have a lot of things to discuss. Zev and I will take Sten and Morrigan."
"Planning on killing someone?"
Sareyna recoiled as if Alistair had slapped her and Zevran interceded, "Don't be ridiculous Alistair. We need a warrior if there is going to be fighting. And Morrigan, besides being amazing with primal magic has become a decent healer. She is much more versatile than Wynne."
Alistair's face was still set in angry lines, "Both of you are used to fighting with me. I have a shield, no one else fights with one."
Sareyna's face twisted into a grotesque parody of a smile. "Hopefully, there will be no fighting and if there is, all four of us did fairly well on our own before travelling together, I'm sure we'll be fine."
Alistair stood and stalked towards Sareyna. Zev silently grabbed his daggers and stood just a couple feet away as Alistair backed her up. He kept backing her up until she bumped into her tent and could back up no further.
His tone was angry and accusatory, "I heard you last night Sareyna, calling my name." He dropped his voice, now heavy with pain, "Mine."
Sareyna turned her face away from Alistair but not before Zev saw her own pain flash briefly in her eyes, only to disappear as fast as it had come.
"I was dreaming of the Archdemon last night. I care about you Alistair; I don't want to see you get hurt."
"A little late for that, don't you think?" Alistair closed his eyes and Zev could see him struggling to control himself. He inhaled and exhaled slowly, "Was Rory at Fort Drakon Reyna?"
She turned around and went back into her tent; the two men could hear things crashing for several minutes. Zevran watched Alistair closely; the man was clearly at war with himself, Zev couldn't blame him, he felt the same way.
Sareyna finally emerged from her tent in full armor with her pack slung over her shoulder and her swords strapped to her back. Setting down her pack she began the process of taking down her tent. Zev, not wanting a confrontation went and packed his things up as well.
"You can't just pretend I didn't ask you a question, 'Reyna."
Sareyna remained silent and continued to take down her tent. Frustrated and angry Alistair moved to help her. Zevran jerked up from his task in alarm when Sareyna raised her voice.
"For the love of the Maker Alistair, leave me alone, please."
Alistair walked calmly over to her and pulled her against him, her body was tense, her spine stiff. He held her against him, not letting her go even when she struggled. Sareyna slumped, her head resting on his shoulder. "I know you love me 'Reyna." Zevran watched intently as Sareyna started to sob in Alistair's arms. "Marry me, be my queen." Alistair stroked her back gently. "Or make Anora queen, and be my wife. I don't care; I just want to be with you." Alistair's voice was rough with barely restrained emotion.
Sareyna stayed still, riding out her tears before standing up straight and moving away. "You have to marry Anora, Alistair. She's the queen and this country needs a king, a good king, to heal it. Together the two of you can stop the war and stop all this senseless killing and brutality. It's a good match, everyone will be happy." Sareyna turned to finish rolling up her tent.
"Except us."
Sareyna paused for only a second before carrying on.
I need to get out of here, away from him. Who would have thought that I would prefer my nightmares to the waking world? The pain in his eyes, it's like acid being poured over my already bruised and battered heart. My body aches to comfort him, to offer him solace and succor.
I can feel his eyes on me as I tie up the tent and attach it to the bottom side of my pack. My lips yearn to kiss the frown from his, to smooth his furrowed brow. Like armor, I call forth the image of Rory's broken body and it helps reinforce my resolve.
Zevran has finished with his packing as well and has already banked the fire. He tries to give me a reassuring smile, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. For the merest moment I think about how easy it would be to assuage my pain, however briefly, in his arms. He would not turn me away, but I'm not sure I could do it; Alistair has branded me right to my soul.
Alistair is shifting in his armor, and I can see he has more to say, but I refuse to meet his eyes. Pack slung back over my shoulders I take off towards the city, trusting the men will follow. Though I cannot hear Zevran's footsteps, Alistair's movement is easy enough to discern. As he moves closer I speed my steps.
It's times like this that I am thankful for being as tall as I am, my long legs make it easy to move quickly without seeming like I am running away. I have to keep reminding myself to look ahead, my natural inclination is to stare at the ground when I'm upset, but as of yet, I am still a wanted woman and need to be mindful of my surroundings.
The city gates are just ahead and I have never been more grateful to see them. I easily maneuver through the city to the market district. I have no idea if Alistair and Zevran are still behind me, the din of the city covering even Alistair's footsteps. When I reach the estate I can feel panic try to grip me. If I go in there, I'm cornered; I won't be able to escape him.
But I have to get the others, the Landsmeet is only a day away and I still have to check out the Alienage. I try to slip in without being noticed but before I have even made it ten steps Erlina is at my side.
"Her Majesty wishes to speak with you."
Anger flashes through me and I want to have Erlina tell Anora to take a very long walk off a very short pier, but I need her to help me end the war. "Of course."
I follow Erlina to Anora's room and take my seat across from her. Anora looks me over speculatively.
"I was looking for my husband to be this morning and had been informed he had left late last night to find you."
"I'm sorry you were unable to find him, but he should be here soon."
Anora's lip twitched minutely before she carried on, "So he did, in fact, find you?"
"Yes, I was with Zevran. We decided to camp outside of the city for the night. I was feeling a bit caged in still and thought staying out doors would help."
"And did it?"
"Yes, I feel much better, thank you."
Anora shifted in her chair, "Sareyna, I was under the impression that you were going to end things with Alistair?"
If I lunged across the table and choked her, could I kill her before a guard could pull me off her? Or I could just cut off her head and have done with the whole thing. I hate this Maker damned war, and all the gods who were laughing at my pain. "It is over Anora."
"Then why did he go running after you last night? If we are to announce our betrothal at the Landsmeet I cannot have him seeking another woman's company at night."
I think this might be the first time in my life I have actually wanted to scratch someone's eyes out of her head. She doesn't deserve Alistair; I should call this whole thing off. But I have to admit I do see her point. "I will do my best to make sure Alistair keeps his distance from me."
Anora nods her head at me, an obvious dismissal. I rise and quickly stride from the room. Anora has no idea how close her barbed words brought her to dying at the end of my blade, nothing like implying that Alistair only came seeking me for sex. I had thought my capacity for hatred had died with the death of Howe, but I could feel it blossoming in my chest anew.
Still carrying my pack I head back to my room, I need to clean up a little before I go to eat. As I round the corner I freeze, Alistair is standing outside of my door, clearly waiting for me. With him staring right at me I can't even turn around and bolt.
He's watching me and I feel rooted to the spot. Why does he have to make this so difficult? I make my way to the door slowly. Opening the door, I move into the room hoping Alistair will realize I don't want to talk and will leave. Alistair follows me and shuts the door behind him. I spin around when I hear the click as the lock is engaged.
"What are you doing?" I try to sound angry, to cover the trip hammering of my heart.
He starts unbuckling his armor, "Well you didn't want to talk. So I figured you could show me how much you don't want to be with me."
"What? Why are you taking off your armor? Alistair, this is ridiculous, please just leave." Oh gods, please stop torturing me. When is it enough? How long before I've suffered enough to appease you?
"I'm getting comfortable; I'm guessing this is going to take a while." And then he smiles, that heart stopping, brain melting, lopsided smile of his.
I have to get him out of here, "Alistair, Anora is looking for you. She is concerned about her future husband seeking out another woman's company. You have to stay away from me. Please leave."
Alistair sits on the side of the bed, still removing pieces of his armor, "No. I'm not going anywhere Sareyna. I need you to explain to me why all of a sudden you're pawning me off on another woman. What changed between us?"
I'm going to be bald by the time we get to the Landsmeet. I'm starting to regret telling him to stand up for himself more. "I have already explained this all to you. What more do you want from me?"
"Everything."
"There is nothing else to tell Alistair, I told you everything."
Free of his armor, he slides back on the bed, leaning against the head board. "I want everything from you, every moment, every thought, and every smile for the rest of our lives."
"Are you kidding me Alistair?" I can hear myself shrieking but can't stop it. "That is not going to happen. You are going to be king and you are marrying Anora. And you are not welcome in my bed, my room or my tent as the case may be. Now get out."
He's just sitting there watching me, waiting for gods know what. Fine, he won't leave I will. I pick up my pack and head for the door. As I reach the door I feel his arms around me. He spins me around and I don't even have time to breathe before he is kissing me.
And I can feel my resolve melting as my body presses against his unbidden. My eyes close and my head swims in all the things that are him, his smell, his taste, the hard planes of his chest and the heat of his skin through his tunic. I could lose myself in his arms, so easily.
I struggle to bring forth the image of Rory's body and when I do it's like a bucket of ice water. I jerk back pulling away from him and I can see fresh pain and confusion on his face. I turn and flee the room as fast as I can. I hear Alistair's broken voice behind me.
"Fine, you win 'Reyna."
The tears scald my cheeks as I jog to Zevran's room. I all but throw myself at him when he opens the door. He holds me, pushing the door closed behind me and for the second time today I hear a door lock behind me. Zevran doesn't move, just standing still and holding me while I cry.
As I regain control of myself he leads me to the bed and sits beside me. He strokes my cheek, then brushes a strand of hair behind my ear. He sighs and pulls his hand away. "Are we ready to talk yet?"
I shake my head, I just can't.
"In that case, let's get Sten and Morrigan. The Alienage awaits."
I follow him from the room and we get underway immediately.
The Alienage was a long and painful day. All of them were exhausted, as they neared the estate Zevran saw Sareyna stiffen. Entering the estate Zevran waived off Morrigan and Sten. He followed Sareyna to Eamon's rooms so she could apprise him of the situation at the Alienage.
Then he dragged her off to his room. She would talk whether she wanted to or not. "I've never been much for fairytales Sareyna, but you and Alistair were meant for each other."
Sareyna raised a brow, "And if I asked you to take a tumble with me right now?"
"I would say no."
Sareyna snorted.
"I would say no because you would be thinking about someone else. It's not me you want."
Sareyna looked at the floor, "He's not mine anymore."
"And whose fault is that?" Zevran snapped.
Sareyna jerked her head up to look at Zevran, "What would you have me do Zevran? Let the country rip itself apart?"
"How about you tell Alistair yes. Marry him, become queen."
Sareyna shook her head, "You don't understand Zevran." She stood to leave.
Zevran grabbed her arm and made sure she was paying attention to him. "I understand politics better than most. But you seem to be forgetting a very important piece of information in all of this. Sareyna, you're a Cousland, even you admitted your family was so popular that your father almost became king instead of Cailan. Don't you think a Cousland and a Theirin would be accepted as easily, if not more so than Anora and Alistair together."
"I'm not a Cousland anymore, I'm a Grey Warden."
"And by that logic, Alistair is no longer a Theirin."
"It doesn't matter it's over and I'm fine with my decision and ready to move on.
Zevran snorted.
"Thank you for trying to help me Zevran but I'm very tired."
Zevran stared after her as she left the room. Shaking his head in frustration he closed the door and headed towards the bed before changing his mind. He exited his room and went straight to Sareyna's. He didn't bother knocking on the door. He just picked the lock and went in.
Sareyna spun around and for the second time that day she felt a pair of lips crushing hers. She struggled and tried to pry herself out of Zevran's arms. But he held her tight against him and ran his hand down her back pressing her closer to him.
Zevran knew it would hurt, but the stab of pain in his heart still took his breath away when she started to stiffen. What he wouldn't give just to whisper to her how he really felt. But it would just make things that much harder for both of them. No, she belonged with Alistair, and he would make her see it, even if it killed him inside. He would not repay her kindness with betrayal.
Sareyna's body twisted and turned as she tried to pull herself free, easily Zevran followed each move of her body. When he felt her hot tears on his cheeks he finally relented and let her go. "Still think you're ready to move on?"
Sareyna sank to the floor and pulled her legs up against her chest rocking as the sobs wracked her body. Zevran stood several feet away, taking deliberately slow breaths to calm and soothe himself as she tried to get a hold of herself. At length she lifted her tear stained face to Zevran, "Oh gods Zevran, what have I done?"
Standing in the Landsmeet chamber, I can't help but watch Alistair. I catch him glancing in my direction when he thinks I can't see him. He has been completely silent since we had all left Eamon's estate. Apparently, he hadn't slept any better than I had the previous night. We both have dark circles and my eyes are still puffy from my latest crying jag.
Unsurprisingly, Loghain refuses to step aside even when the Landsmeet votes against him. A duel is called and I name Alistair as my champion, it is the least I can do, after condemning him to life with Anora.
Loghain's treachery at Ostagar is ultimately what causes his defeat. Ensconced in Denerim for months on end Loghain has become slow and sluggish. Alistair on the other hand, fighting for his life nearly every day for more than a year, is battle hardened and fast. The duel is over much more quickly than I had anticipated.
Alistair catches my eye for the first time since I had fled my room the day before. He's not content with having defeated Loghain in the duel and how can I blame him. I had taken my revenge slowly and painfully from Howe. I nod my understanding and watch as Alistair finally takes his own revenge.
With Loghain dead Eamon declares that Alistair will take the throne. And, of all things, Alistair acts surprised. Even more surprising to me Anora then announces she will take the throne for herself. When Eamon asks me to choose I freeze.
My heart is pounding and I am feeling a little light headed. The politician in me is telling me to carry through with Alistair and Anora's marriage announcement. The woman in me is telling me, just as loudly, to claim Alistair for myself.
I look to Anora who is glaring at me and I feel a wave of hatred roll through me for what she did to Cailan, can I really condemn the man I love to the same fate? Alistair looks nervous, but stands his ground; my heart and soul ache for him.
Perhaps Zevran is right, being a Cousland has its advantages, now might be the time to put them to use. Would the Landsmeet really accept me as queen? Would it end the civil war? Would Alistair still want me after everything I had put him through?
I can feel the tears threaten again as my fears threaten to overwhelm me. I turn to Eamon, but before I open my mouth I feel a warm hand on my lower back. I relax into the touch, thankful that I brought Zevran today. Knowing he would agree with my decision makes it easier.
"Alistair will be king and I will rule by his side."
I look to Alistair quickly fearing the worse. I see confusion on his face.
"What? Really?" His face relaxes and he smiles, "Thank the Maker." He sweeps me into his arms and kisses me while the Landsmeet cheers. My heart is pounding now for another reason entirely. All the pain and fear start to recede being replaced slowly by hope.
Eamon clears his throat and we reluctantly part. Anora is still glaring daggers at me and I can't help but feel relief at having saved Alistair from a lifetime with her. But watching her nearly foam at the mouth I realize that her hatred of me makes her a dangerous enemy.
I ease back from Alistair as he is giving a speech and find Zevran. "I have need of your skills Zevran."
Zevran smiles at me, "Already a step ahead of you, Querida. It'll look like she took her own life."
I shiver not only at the fact I of what I have just done, but that Zevran had known I would. I move back to Alistair's side and thread my arm through his as he finishes the speech. Eamon pulls him from the Landsmeet but he refuses to let me go.
After a brief meeting with Eamon, most of which I don't remember Alistair pulls me into an empty room in the palace. He wraps he arms around me, slung low on my back and pulls me close. Resting his head against mine he whispers in my ear.
"Maker 'Reyna, I was so scared I had lost you." He kisses my temple and takes a small step backwards, still not letting me go. His finger traces my tattoo, "I don't know why you changed your mind, but I am so grateful." Placing a hand on either side of my face he leans forward and just as his lips are about to brush mine he speaks, "I love you." His kiss is soft and gentle and I melt into it. How could I have ever lived without this?
I feel overwhelmed; he takes his time before he slowly pulls from the kiss. "I'm so sorry, Ali. I just…" He places a finger on my lips.
"I don't care. It's not important. But about this wedding thing."
I can feel myself blush, "Oh, I…um."
"Isn't it traditional for the man to ask the woman?"
"Uh, yes but I thought…" my breath catches in my throat as he kneels in front of me. I take a step back, suddenly nervous. He reaches out and takes my hand gently, pulling me back towards him. His smile is dazzling.
"I bought this a while ago; I have been carrying it trying to get up the courage to ask you. After what had happened at Eamon's I wasn't planning on bringing it today, but at the last moment I grabbed it and stuck it in my pocket."
He pulls out the ring and I can't stop trembling. I'm afraid I'm going to start crying at any second. He holds my hand a little in front of him.
"Sareyna, you know you're the only woman I've ever loved. And I know you're the only one I ever could love. I don't ever want to think about trying to live without you by my side. No matter what the future holds, I want us to face it together. Would you do me the honor of being my wife?"
I'm surprised to notice his hand is shaking ever so minutely. This is ridiculous, we both already know the answer, yet here we are both worried and anxious. I nod my head, speechless for several seconds before I am able to answer. "Yes, of course, yes." The words come out in a rush and I giggle at the how ridiculous we are both being.
Hands still trembling he slides the ring onto my finger. It's a beautiful silver colored ring, a single sapphire in the center with a small diamond on each side. Still holding my hand he stands and kisses me. As he steps back he asks, "Do you like it?"
I nod, "It's beautiful," I look back to him, trying to convey my feelings with more than just paltry words, "Thank you."
He smiles again, "You would have thought that would have been easier, but my heart is still racing." He laces his fingers with mine. "Come on, we should join the others before we head out to Redcliffe."
I place my hand on his upper arm, "Alistair, are you sure you're not angry?"
Eyes still twinkling he responds quickly, "No, but if you had made me marry that harpy I would have been quite cross with you."
I can't help but smile in return, "You're sure you're alright with everything that happened today?"
"Honestly, Sareyna I'm fine. I'm a little worried about being king, but I know you will be there and that's reassuring. I know you won't let me look like a fool." He flashes me one of his self deprecating smiles.
"You're going to be a great king Alistair."
He drops a wink, "I know." He pulls me towards the door again, "Come on, if I don't get you to the others so they can see I gave you the ring they're going to hang me and then you'll have to rule alone."
I can't help but look surprised. "Did everyone know?"
Alistair shrugs, "Almost. Oghren didn't know because I was afraid he would tell someone. I don't know if Morrigan knew or not but Leliana and Zevran helped me pick it out and well, you know how Wynne is."
"And no one said anything!"
"Well, I don't think they were planning on you trying to marry me off to someone else."
I bite my lip, chagrined, "Right."
He squeezes my hand and kisses my temple again. "It's over, let's forget it."
Everyone had already left to go back to Eamon's estate. We cross Denerim to the Market District quickly. As soon as we open the door we are accosted by Leliana. She throws her arms around both of us and starts crying. She starts talking but I have no idea what she's trying to stay.
Not sure what to do I rub her back and look at Alistair; he looks as lost as I feel. Finally, she calms and stands up. She snatches my hand to inspect the ring. She nods, "It's so beautiful!" she exclaims. The she smacks Alistair in the arm, "If you had given that to her before none of this mess would have happened you dolt."
Alistair nods, "I know, you're right."
Leliana smiles, mollified, and drags us to the dining hall where the rest of our companions are. Everyone is talking over each other all at once and everything goes by in a blur as each one takes my hand to look at the ring, most telling me how beautiful it is.
Poor Alistair is also being pulled around the room. The men congratulate him and thump him on the back. I'm pretty sure Oghren and Zevran make not so veiled threats as well. I don't know if I should feel honored they are looking out for me or afraid of what they might think of as treating me well.
I finally am able to break away from them and move to a quiet corner as they continue to celebrate amongst themselves. I smile watching them, my companions, my friends. With all I have lost, sometimes it is hard to remember how much I have gained.
I feel a cold hand on my shoulder and almost jump. Not many people can sneak up on me. "So you are to marry your fool prince?"
I smile, Morrigan may fool most of them, but I know better. "Yes."
A smile touches her lips for the barest second, "Good." She strokes my hair; her eyes seem a little sad, "good." She says again quietly before leaving.
I watch them for a few minutes longer. My friends and my husband to be, they are so happy and a part of me is too. But my work isn't done yet and I have to break up their little celebration because it is time to go. Time to face the real threat; I try not to think about the possibility of losing any of them.
My dog comes and licks my hand. I scratch his ears for a minute before standing and walking across the room. "Alright everyone, we need to pack up. We'll be heading to Redcliffe in less than an hour." I see the joy wither and die on their face to be replaced by worry.
Alistair steps in smoothly and starts walking towards the door talking about the celebration they would all have once the Archdemon is slain. Still concentrating on the Blight but looking forward to it being over and being able to properly celebrate, he cheers everyone up.
So, I'm the practical one, and he's the one that keeps them all happy. Its how it has been for months and how I assume it will be when we are king and queen. I smile, amazing how easily we slipped right back into how we were before my…mistake. Alistair is the light to my darkness, he is for them as well, and I know we are all grateful.