Holly crud. I feel like such a bad person for not updating in such a long time. Everyone hates that person who doesn't update for months, heck, I hate that person too. But I've finally gotten my ass into gear and have written a new chapter, a final chapter, to a pretty short story. This chapter is going to be epic! Or about as epic as a story like this can get anyways. There are some allusions to other pieces of work in this chapter, so when you see something that is just totally like out there, try not to label me as crazy.

The Cluster-Fuck/Shit Hits the Fan

After permanently scarring Edward for life I apparate to the reception taking place in the next room. The party is, as expected… pretty lame. Alice is trying to get the guests to play charades and her boyfriend, a pained looking blond vampire, is trying to help. And by trying to help I mean he is standing next to her, still as a statue, staring at the muggle guests with a hungry look on his face. Alice doesn't seem to realize this and continues her attempt to get people to play.

"Come on people! What am I?" she shouts while waving her hands around in a circular motion and kicking her legs out behind her, "JASPER! What am I!" she yells. Jasper rotates his head around slowly to look at her, goes back to staring at the people with a pained expression, and then he turns around and walks slowly out of the room. Alice watches him leave and for a few seconds looks pretty pissed off but then just as quickly as her sour expression appeared; it is replaced with a happy one as she goes back to her one person game of charades.

As I sit down at one of the many tables placed around the room Edward walks into the room looking shaken and is almost immediately attacked by Bella who wants to dance. Edward reluctantly agrees to dance but not before yelling 'Look! Over there!', 'Wow! There's a buffet!' and saddest of all, 'The DJ is taking requests… that's totally coolness….' But none of them works. But after enduring about fifteen seconds of dancing with his new bride, he reverts to a new tactic: Pushing Bella down to the ground and high-tailing it out of there.

The blond vampire Rosalie, who was recently sitting in a corner of the room with another vampire, struts up to Bella, who is just getting up from the ground with her usually dazed face. Rosalie stops in front of the muggle, smirks, and tosses her hair.

"Looks like Edward doesn't want you anymore," she smirks and tosses her hair again, "And really why would he. You're just an ugly little human, and he wants me," she finishes by once again tossing her hair over her shoulder.

Bella looks at the blond vampire clearly scandalized, or maybe scandalized, she kind of looks constipated, and struggles for words, opening and closing her mouth at least five times, "R-Rosalie! You're his sister! Do you have any idea how wrong that is?"

By now they have attracted quite a crowd of people and the family of vampires excluding Edward, who is over at the bar, and Jasper.

Rosalie throws her hands up into the air, "How many times do we have to tell you this! We're adopted!"

"So what it's still wrong! You both come from Carlisle!" Bella mutters back.

"That doesn't fucking matter! And it doesn't change the fact that we will be together!"

"You're with Emmett!"

That's when shit hits the fan.

Everyone turns their attention to the bar as there is a large crash, except for Bella who looks in the opposite direction and whispers 'What was that?' Emmett has tackled Edward and they are now rolling around on the floor. The head vampire of the coven jumps into the fray and tries to stop the fight and while Edward might be ready to stop fighting; it looks as if Emmett won't be ready to stop until Edward is dead.

From the top of the staircase someone yells in a wavering voice, "I have killed again!" I turn and can't help nearly laughing my ass off.

Jasper is standing at the top of the stairs, bloodied and creepy as ever, only now his creepy eyes are a new color. Red. He is holding a very dead Bella in his hands. Wait, wasn't Bella just standing in the middle of the crowd on the dance floor? I switch my gaze to the dance floor and back to Jasper again and again. How did she… in less than one minute…! That muggle is/was quite the multitasker.

A scream comes from a muggle in the crowd and in the middle of the dance floor Rosalie is looking just as confused as I. She throws her hands up in the air as if to ask Jasper, 'Jesus Christ! What the fuck is wrong with you!'Jasper simply stares back at her nervously, looking pained. She pushes her way out of the crowd and starts to stomp up the stairs towards Jasper but before she can get there something large crashes through the wall and into her. She flies to the opposite wall, hits it with a crash, lands on her feet in a crouch and lets out an enraged growl.

Oh goody, it's the wolves. Three of them stand at the bottom of the stairs in their wolf form. One of them changes into his human form and stands there, butt-naked in front of everyone. He is revealed to be Jacob, Bella's second true love. The crowd gasps and the teenage girls start to giggle and swoon amongst each other.

He spots Edward fighting with Emmett and shouts, "Where is she!" They completely ignore him.

He glances up the stairs and sees Jasper, who is looking more nervous than ever. Jacob growls and Jasper drops Bella, who tumbles down the stairs to land at Jacob's feet. Before the wolf can tear into him Jasper makes his escape by jumping out of a window at the top of the stairs. Two of the wolves run out of the house and after him and Jacob sinks to his knees to start performing CPR on Bella. Smart right?

At this point Edward and Emmett unconsciously decide that it is a good time as any to move their fight to the center of the room and knock over dozens of people while doing so. After a few more seconds of fighting, during which the crowd of muggles takes form around them once again, they stop and stand about ten feet apart from each other with Emmett facing the large hole in the wall and Edward with his back to it.

Edward stands there breathing heavily and holds his hands out in front of him in a sign of peace, "Brother! We don't have to do this!" he whines, "I am NOT fucking your wife!" Bad choice of words there, Eddie. Emmett's face screws into a mask of fury and he tenses to jump at Edward, but before he can, a small voice rings out through the temporarily silent room.

"Cedric!"

Edward freezes and turns to stare at the hole in the wall that was left by the wolves earlier. In the entrance of that hole stands a young Asian woman who is glancing confusedly at Jacob who is still trying to breathe life into Bella.

Emmett throws his hands up in the air and shouts, "Who the hell is Cedric?" At this point Edward is paler than I have ever seen him before and he looks even more petrified than he did at the altar; which is saying something.

The girl points to Edward and says, "He is." The eyebrows of every vampire in the room shoot up at almost the same time.

Edward seems to snap out of whatever fear induced trance that he had been in and shakes his head back and forth waves his hands back in forth in front of his face and smiles nervously, "Naw, naw, girl. Dat ain't me. Dat ain't me," he drawls. The girl simply looks confused.

"Bro… why you talking like that?" Emmett asks him with a frown. Edward has no answer he just mumbles to himself and avoids eye contact with the witch from his past.

"No! That is you! Cedric, what the hell happened to you? Harry said that you were killed by You-Know-Who, but here you are alive and well," she seems quite flustered now and is quickly advancing towards Edward. The crowd parts for her and Edward holds out his hands in front of himself as if to ward her off and stumbles away from her quickly. "Why did you leave us Cedric? I thought you loved me!" she continues advancing on him and he stumbles into Emmett who shoves him away and right into the witch. They collide and she grabs onto his arms to keep herself from falling.

Her eyes widen and she frowns, "Why is your skin so cold?" She looks up at him and her eyes widen further, "You're really pale… Why are you so pale Cedric?"

"Because he's a fucking vampire," a voice shouts out from the edge of the room. Everyone turns to look at Jacob who is still performing CPR on a now long dead Bella. He pauses and looks up, "Just sayin," he shrugs. The witch tears herself from Edward and runs for the exit screaming.

The witch is the first in the room to start screaming, but after that one scream all of the humans seem to follow suit as they realize there is a vampire in their midst. They all scramble towards the exits, mostly towards the hole in the wall. The witch has a good five second head start on the rest of the guests but by the time she gets to the door someone is already waiting for her. Five of the Volturi are blocking the hole in the wall. They're not actually a problem for the witch who simply pulls out her wand and apparates before they can grab her. The lot of them looks fairly confused for a few seconds, but then the first wave of muggles hits them and they are preoccupied with ripping out throats and such.

The voice of the vampire Jane rings out above the frightened crowd, "Cullen Coven! You have been charged with high treason for endangering the secrecy of the vampire world!" The 'Cullen Coven' tries to bolt but before he can there is a flash of white light and…. Holy shit.

Dumbledore has arrived with none other than John Morton at his side. The smug fuck turned me in. I had been wondering where he went to- but holy shit!

"Tom Riddle!" Dumbledork bellows out to the room. I figure that now is as good a time as any to have an epic battle to death with my arch enemy Dumbledore, so I glide out of my seat and reveal myself to the room. There is an almost collective gasp throughout the room and then about five people shout 'It's you!' Including one young girl who I've never seen before and whose tone is much more delighted than the rest of those who had shouted.

Dumbledore smiles at me and casts a spell at the hole in the wall and it automatically seals, "So you can't escape so easily this time," he says.

Dumbledore and I stare each other down solemnly, he with that annoying ever-present twinkle in his eye and me with my awesome totally cool eyes. Then we begin to exchange curses. The muggles and vampires around the room all but press themselves up against the wall in fear. The only one who seems unaffected is Jacob who is still attempting to revive Bella. I hit Dumbledore with a particularly effective spell and it causes him to temporarily lose his focus. I take this chance and shoot the killing curse at him. What I do not is expect is for Dumbledore to recover from the previous curse so quickly and send a killing curse at me as well.

When the two jets of green light collide, a third jet light shoots out of the center and hits the thing closest to it. That thing just happens to be Bella. She shoots up into the air in the blink of an eye and falls back to the ground just as quickly. All is quiet for a moment but for the fighting between Dumbledore and myself, then Bella shoots up into a sitting position and smiles looking nearly demonic.

This seems to be the final straw for Edward who screams like a girl and tries to press himself up against the wall even more. As Bella jumps up and skips towards him with the same crazy smile plastered on her face Edward seems to lose it and leaps into the middle of our fight.

"Kill me!"

"Edward we can be together forever now!"

"Is that Cedric Diggory?"

With Dumbledore completely shocked by the sudden appearance of Cedric Diggory I take my leave but not before shooting a jet of flame at Edward, who burns like a copy of a really crappy book. I don't waste any time to stick around and see what happens after that. I flip the bird at a scared shitless John Morton and mouth, 'You're gonna die.' Then I apparate from Forks, Washington, never to return again… probably.

Bella Swan was devastated after the death of her one true love and husband Edward Cullen… she was devastated for about two minutes before she ran off with Jacob Black to be married. After three months of marriage Black suddenly disappeared. Bella was quoted as saying she 'totally really' doesn't know what happened to him and his disappearance was 'totally not coolness.'

In the last 400 years of their existence, Carlisle and Esme Cullen weirdly created over four dozen creepy teenage vampires. They perished in the Great Robot Wars of 2313.

Alice was sent to the vampire correctional rehab center in 2012 where she was treated for her vampire powder addiction (she saw this coming, by the way.) However she did not complete her treatment as about ten minutes after being admitted she ran away to Mexico with a security guard named Bert.

After 60 years of a semi happy relationship, Rosalie and Emmett split. Rosalie became a model for Covergirl before tragically dying during her stint in the winter Olympics. Emmett joined the army along with his brothers Wolverine and Sabertooth who were changed in the year 2011. After many years of fighting in wars, Sabertooth's shit seriously gets fucking out of hand. He's raping everybody, right? So Wolverine quits and soon like everybody else on the team quits too cause they're just fucking sick Sabertooth raping everyone and they're also probably sick of having to kill people. But Emmett sticks with Sabertooth cause he's always got his back. Soon enough Stryker, who was the head of Emmett's unit is all like, '…Hey! You guys gotta go kill everyone who quit the team! They suck.' So then Emmett and Sabertooth go out into the big ole world and kill everybody who was on the team except for Logan because he's a bit trickier to catch. (Did I mention Logan has like knives for fingers? Because he does.) So the brothers make a plan to make it look like they killed Wolverine's lady. But she's really Stryker's daughter and she only helps them because he will hurt her twin sister if she doesn't do what he says. Eventually Wolverine wins and he decides not to kill Emmett because Emmett is just too cool to kill. But someone rudely shoots Wolverine in the head and he forgets everything about everything. Then about three more movies worth of stuff happens.

John Morton was found dead in his home with a plate containing scrambled eggs and bacon in the shape of a smile on his chest, approximately two weeks after the Cluster-Fuck at the Cullen's house.

The Volturi went back to being their same dick selves back in Italy until 2092 when their castle was invaded by CIA agents with new vampire killing technology.

Dumbledore was killed by Snape in battle at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Voldemort lived for freaking ever and brought the whole of the wizarding world to its knees.

Jasper… was never seen again…