"Great Morgana," I muttered. "In the name of all that is holy, what is this place?"

Will gave me an incredulous look. "What, you've never had a boyfriend before?"

I snorted. The end-of-fourth-year-Lorcan-and-Lysander incident was still relatively fresh. Neither of them had stopped glaring at me. "Oh, trust me, I have. But they were all smart enough not to take me to a place like this."

Madame Puddifoot's is a truly awful place. The walls are a bright and shocking pink, the curtains ruffled and frilly, the lighting dim, the decorations horribly tacky, and, to top it all off, it is crammed full of couples, all of them snogging, holding hands, or gazing dreamily into each other's eyes.

"This is disgusting," I said.

"I have to say I agree with you," said Will. "However, it is the perfect atmosphere to get two people to snog each other."

I sighed. "It pains me to admit this, but you're probably right."

"Right over here, dears," said a short, chubby woman, leading us over to a table. "Today's a Special Romantic Deal Day, so you get two free cups of my latest drink, Lusciously Romantic Fruit Cappuccino!"

Before I could say that I didn't want to drink anything that contained the word 'luscious', she was gone.

"Do you think we're disguised enough?" I asked Will.

He looked me over. I had tucked my way-too-distinctive Weasley hair up under a hat, applied some glittery eye makeup, and even worn a pink dress that I had for some reason. (I never wear eye makeup. Or the color pink.)

"You look good," he said. "I mean, you look like a disgusting bat, but not like yourself. Wait, no. your disguise is fine, but you still look like a disgusting bat."

I raised my eyebrows. "You know, if I was any other girl on the planet, you'd be dead right now."

He smirked. "Other girls find me to be the epitome of manly demeanor, hotness, and dreamy eyes, AKA perfect boyfriend material."

"Oh, really?" I said. "Who was your last girlfriend?"

"Lilac Finnigan."

"Lilac?" I said in disbelief. "I mean, she's pretty, but she's an idiot."

"Fine, what about you?" he retorted.

I squirmed uncomfortably. "Well…I mean...

"What?" he said, immediately curious.

I sighed. "I was going out with Lysander Scamander for a few months, but we didn't really tell anyone about it, and then I broke up with Lysander, and his brother, Lorcan, who didn't know we had been dating, asked me out, so then I was dating him, and then I broke up with him, and they both found out that I had dated both of them…

"Blimey, that's way too complicated," said Will. "Why don't you just… I don't know, snog people and then move on?"

I rolled my eyes. "I don't know, maybe I like emotionally fulfilling relationships?"

"Emotionally fulfilling? What does that even mean?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "I don't even now. If you want to know the truth, my relationships with Lorcan and Lysander were not particularly emotionally fulfilling, whatever that means."

"Aha!" he exclaimed. "So you do just snog people and move on!"

"Ssh," I hissed.

"What?" he said.

"You are not playing your part!" I said.

"What part?"

"Look around you," I said. "What do you see? Couples. So what do we look like? A couple."

Will looked slightly panicked. "What, you want us to snog or something?"

"Eww," I said. "No way."

"So…

"I guess we could… I don't know, hold hands or something?"

"You definitely have a thing for me."

"I do not!" I hissed. "You're delusional."

Suddenly, he grabbed my hand.

"Um, hi there," I said.

"Rose and Scorpius," he hissed. "Over there. If we look like another couple, they won't pay any attention."

I glanced over in the direction of the door. Sure enough, Rose and Scorpius were walking in together, talking and laughing. Just as I had, they stopped abruptly, seemingly startled by the shocking dollhouse tea party explosion that is Madame Puddifoot's.

Madame Puddifoot guided them to their table. They sat down uncertainly, but soon, they were talking and apparently enjoying themselves, drinking their free Luscious Fruit Whatevers and probably discussing Arithmancy theorems or something else equally boring. It tried to read their lips—maybe the pink was getting to them and they were admitting their trust issues or something—but I was slightly distracted by Will's hand.

Not, to be specific, that I was distracted by Will Frobisher. That would not happen even if he decided to salsa dance in front of me with the Fat Friar, wearing a toga, with a horde of puddings and cupcakes hovering over his head, so I was not about to let a little hand-holding distract me from the task at hand.

I was, however, slightly surprised to discover that he had a fairly nice hand. Some guys don't, you know. Not to point fingers or name names, but Lorcan Scamander had very pale hands that always felt rather… moist. Will's hand was a nice tan color, warm, and not rough but not too soft. Furthermore, he held my hand tightly, not all loose and floppy, like Lorcan, but he didn't squeeze it to death, either, like Lysander. And his nails weren't dirty, but—

Whoa, Lily. Focus, girl.

Okay. Okay. Focusing.

So, Scorpius and Rose were making absolutely no progress, just sitting there, not even holding hands. Actually, Scorpius was eyeing her hand like it was a cupcake and he was on a diet, but he was fairly certain he could get away with one measly little cupcake, but his mother would probably catch him and then he would be in loads of trouble, so he was having some painful internal conflict over whether or not he should grab it.

"Come on," I muttered under my breath. "Just grab the cupcake. Come on, you know you want it. Red velvet with chocolate sprinkles."

Will, meanwhile, was also muttering under his breath. "Just grab the snitch, moron. It's right there. One hundred and fifty points."

I never knew there was someone else who used similes as in-depth as mine. How odd.

Scorpius's hand twitched, like he was going to do it. Then he took his hand off the table.

Will sighed, leaning back in his chair. "He's not going to do it."

"And he calls himself a Gryffindor," I said, shaking my head sadly. "Well, what do we do now?"

"Isn't there some sort of charm or something?" he said. "Like, a snog-the-first-person-you-see charm or something?"

"Unfortunately, no," I said.

Apparently, Scorpius and Rose had given up on Will and I showing up. They finished their drinks, got to their feet, and left.

"Well, that plan was a dud," sighed Will. "What now?"

"We just need to get them to kiss," I said, frustrated. "Once they did that, they'd realize they have a mutual secret desire for each other and start going out."

"But we can't force them to kiss," I said. "Or—

A thought struck me like lightning.

"Or maybe we can," said Will, his eyes lighting up with excitement.

His brown eyes met my blue ones, and I could tell we were thinking exactly the same thing.

"Spin the Bottle," I breathed.

"My thoughts exactly," he said.

I grinned. "So, Will, were you planning on throwing a party any time soon?"

He grinned back. "Oh, I'm sure something could be arranged."

For a moment, we sat there, grinning at each other. Then I realized he was still holding my hand and quickly snatched it away from him.

"I still hate you," I told him firmly.

"Don't worry," he said. "I don't like people who don't have souls, Ginger."

And with that, he finished his drink and was gone, probably heading off to join his friends at Zonko's or something.

I shook my head. The nerve of some people.