"Shit! I must've sounded like such an idiot, going on about the fucking clouds while all he wanted to do was sleep. Goddamn. Now he's gonna think I'm a freak and this is all just gonna be so damn... STUPID! I'm so damn stupid. I should've just left after he finished with my hand. Fuck!" I slammed my fist into the floor and pain shot up my arm.

"Shit!" I had forgotten about the cut. I cradled my hand against my chest and flopped down sideways onto the floor, curling my body around my injured hand. "I'm such an idiot, Akamaru." Akamaru curled up against me, and I just lay that way, holding my hand, until I heard the door slam.

I sat bolt upright. I couldn't let my family know I went up here. I had magazines and shit hidden. I crept down as quietly as I could, but my mom caught my putting the ladder back up. I just muttered some excuse about being curious about Grandma's things and needing to take a shower to get away as fast as possible. She didn't let me leave immediately though. She told me that there was something that she had to talk about with me and my sister.

That was the beginning of the darkest time in my life. I'm almost ashamed to tell you about it. When I think about what a jackass I became...

Well, she sat me and my sister down and told me that my father had left. I found out later that my sister left that night and tracked him down and yelled at him and even cried, but I didn't do anything that night. I just stared at my bedroom ceiling without thinking. I don't remember sleeping, but I woke up to Akamaru barking. I laid there for a bit, but my mom and sis were out, so I dragged myself out of bed and to the front door.

It was Shikamaru.

Well, needless to say, I totally broke down. Not at first. It was hard to believe he was there at first, I thought that I must just be dreaming again. I had left my bag of dog treats behind. I mumbled an apology and then laughed.

"I'm sorry. I'm so goddamn useless." I grinned at him.

He look surprised that I had said that. And then it all came gushing out. The tears, I mean. I just started crying in the doorway. He didn't know what to do at first. He just stood there for a bit. Then he stepped inside and pulled me into a hug.

Goddamn. I soaked his shirt all the way through. We just stood there, him hugging me and rubbing my back and me sobbing into his shoulder, for a good ten minutes. Then he took my hand and led me into my own living room and got me a glass of water and then just sat with me while I calmed down. I told him everything once I could talk.

"It's not your fault." That's the first thing he said. I laughed at that, but I was really happy that someone had said that. My mom hadn't really said anything. I hadn't even realized that I had been blaming myself.

"Goddamn, you are one helpful son of a bitch."

"It's no big deal. Just the truth." I realized he was holding my hand. I didn't do anything, I just laughed awkwardly some more and decided to savor this moment. I promised myself that I would forget him after this. He deserves better...

I woke up on my couch with my head on his lap. Akamaru was curled up between my feet. The room had turned dusky. My head was in his lap. My head was in Shikamaru's lap.

I sat up as quickly as I could manage without disturbing Akamaru. It made my head pound and my vision go blurry. I was still holding his hand. I let go and apologized to him. He just cracked an eye open lazily and smiled.

"It's really not that big of a deal. I got to skip out on practice, which is nice." He stretched and got up. "You're sister came home an hour ago, but I don't even think she noticed me."

"Oh. Sorry." She must be really mad still.

"You really should go talk to her, she looked upset. You two've gotta stick together." He went into the kitchen and brought me a glass of water. He sat down next to me again.

I mumbled an unintelligible "thank you" into the glass, blushing. He understood.

"You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. We've got lots of instant stuff in the pantry." I sighed. "I should probably say good bye to home cooking for a long long time..."

"Speaking of which, my Mom's gonna spitting fireballs when I get home..." Shikamaru laughed a little bit. "What a pain."

I fought down a blush and apologized again.

"You don't have to be sorry, it wasn't your fault. I woulda slacked off anyway." He punched my arm and got up. I saw him to the door. He smiled and we exchanged a little fist bump. I watched him walk down the street.

"Thank you!" I called out on impulse. He tipped his head back. "For everything!" I added. I couldn't see his face from this distance, but he gave a little salute and kept walking.

I went in and talked to my sister. The next morning I found a note pinned to my window ledge with a kunai.

"Gone on a mission. Stop over for dinner at my house when I get back. Shikamaru"

I wasn't able to take him up on his offer for another two months because of all the shit that happened at the end of the exams, and by that time I had gotten myself a girlfriend. I had given up on Shikamaru. He deserved a family. He'd be a wonderful father someday.

I slept with her after a few weeks, and then lost interest. She was so demanding. I got another girl and the cycle continued for several years. I was rarely ever single, but I was never committed. Or in love. And Shikamaru eventually became friendly with Temari, though he denied anything was going on whenever I asked. For those three years we were good friends, but nothing more.