Yay. I'm alive.
Deep in Thought
Randy slowly goes downstairs and steps outside. He's cold and he's wearing an old shirt and oversized shaggy sweatpants as he moves towards Johnny Fabulous. His heart is palpitating and he doesn't know what to do or where to go. The man nods towards him and right then, John Cena moves towards him, looking defeated and angry at his Father.
Randy doesn't even try to acknowledge John being there. He's almost sick of being around him only not.
"Look, Randy, you mentioned a sex-change…now, we can't let him realize that John's gay…"
Randy's heart is pumping harder than ever. Hot blood surging and he finds his face feeling heated and him feeling defeated. He doesn't understand how his Father could even think of that. Randy takes a gulp. "Now, nobody in the wrestling business knows that my John's gay…so…if they happen to catch the news, it's not going to be very pleasant, is it?"
"No. It isn't." Randy's voice is dry and he doesn't know what else to say. He realizes just then how much he's torn between throwing up and crying and John can see all of this but he can't say a word and Randy feels all alone into this, enclosed into what feels like a conversation that'll change him.
"Don't you want to feel pure again, Randy?"
That hit a button in Randy. Hard.
Please just stop it, Father. You're hurting him. Oh God, you're hurting him…I'm done hurting him…
Please don't hurt him.
All John could do is stare Randy as he quivers into his breakdown and all that's running through his mind is that it's wrong. It's just so wrong. He's a twelve year old boy that's been trapped by this one mistake that he's made and he's the only one that's suffering because of it. He suddenly finds himself sick and wants to slap his Father and himself as hard as he could've – just made everything disappear, make sure Randy's never met him…
I hurt you. Oh God, Ran, I hurt you so bad…
And it shows. It shows.
I don't want it to show…
It'll make me right again. If I do this, it'll make me pure again…I don't want to feel like a freak anymore just because… of John.
I...I don't...
"Randy…" John suddenly speaks up, his voice dry and there's a hint of despair and anguish through his voice. "Is this going to make you happy?"
Johnny keeps on talking. "It's going to be perfect, you're going to be perfect…I can bet you'd be gorgeous as a girl, Randy…it's all going out as planned. It's beneficial for you and me."
Perfect I'm going to be perfect…
"Is this going to make you happy, Ran?" John repeats over his Father's words.
Thud, thud, thud, thud…
His heart races and he doesn't know what to say.
"I'll—"Randy takes a gulp of air, almost like he's been banned from oxygen for the last 20 seconds, "I'll do it."
His voice is shaky. His body's shaky.
He's shaky.
John just stares back at him.
Thud, thud, thud, thud…
"Randy, will this make you happy?" John repeats one last time.
"I don't know what makes me happy anymore…" Randy's voice is soft and breakable. "People being nice to me used to make me happy. Just breathing every day used to make me happy but now, that's just not enough. There's just this part of me missing…and it's taken all my happiness with it…John…I don't know…I don't know anything anymore."
John's heart aches. He wants to somehow just hold him and make it all better.
I want to kiss it all a-a-away…pretend everything's okay all over again
It's not long until Johnny actually wakes John up from what feels like a short, restless sleep and he tells him they're going to go get pick Randy up for the operation and John's stomach twists violently at the thought of his male Randy just turning into this entire different stranger…maybe that's what Randy wanted – to erase his existence.
Oh you have no idea, John…you have no idea…
At the bank, it's all so shocking and lucid and clear when Johnny gives him the card, writes the numbers and signs Mike Cabana's name.
John's eyes widen. He's the reason behind it all. His heart is thumping wildly into his chest. It's only giving him more reason to do the surgery than ever before. It's all by Mike C's money—Johnny's been stealing Cabana's money…the thought swirls into his head. That's why Mike wants to ruin John's life. It's why he set up this bet. It's why they've trapped them in that Godforsaken place. It's why he's doing anything. It's all revenge. It's his fault John Morrison's dead, Mike's torn about it, Ted and Cody are in this tight, unbreakable gist in their relationship and Randy's experienced all of this horror…
It's my fault. Just kill me on that operation table, Doc…Mike, oh God, Mike…Randy…Ted…Cody…
Will you ever forgive me for not stopping my Father…?
…
Will I ever forgive me...?
Realisation, realisation...
Remember the other Mike? The one in the beginning? The bet?
Do you remember ANY of the storeh?
X Sam.