Return of the Kankers
Chapter 4- Wake up n' smell the mistletoe!
Edd screamed himself awake and kept screaming, the shearing pain in his arm was almost relaxing at the same time. His eye site was bright and blurry, but he could tell that a shining line was sticking into his arm. He didn't know exactly what it was but he didn't want it there any longer. He immediately yanked it out of his arm and flung it across the room, it was the most irresponsible thing he had done, but considering the circumstances, he didn't care.
"Eddward?" said a voice, "Eddward, calm down, it's just us."
Well that definitely worked for Edd, at that moment, he had stopped screaming, but he couldn't stop shivering at all, or sweating, the voice that had told him to calm down belonged to his mother, it was calm, sweet, and smooth.
His mother was a very kind woman, she wore a white collared shirt, a long black tie, black pants and high-heels, and she wore her black hair in a tight bun.
Edd started speaking in a wheezy, whisper-y voice. "I...I'm okay."
Then, a proud, strong voice said, "Are you certain, son?" It was his father, he was a tad strict but always nice. He usually wore a white-collared shirt, a bow-tie, tan dress-pants, and a bowler hat.
"You have been out for near half a day!" His mother told him.
"Oh my... I feel a bit dizzy..." Edd said, he looked across the room... his room, his eye site was clearing up a bit, he saw a long butterfly syringe jammed into the wall, its butterfly-wing shaped handle seemed to be a bit loose.
"Well we are glad you are alright, Eddward," His father said. "Come downstairs and we'll give you some more medicine for your headache, we would also like you to open your presents."
"Merry Christmas, Eddward!" Said Edd's mother.
-TIIIIIIII IIIIIIII IIIIIIII IIIIIIII IIIIIIII IIIIIIII ME SKIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIP!-
The 3 Kankers, Eddy, and Ed, walked silently down to the sidewalk, they had seen these weird wooden rails right nearby, Eddy and Ed seemed to know what they were for but they were trying to keep it a secret.
May and Ed were having a satisfying discussion about cornbread.
Lee and Eddy were having a discussion about the economy and how the Econo Company was skyrocketing.
Marie walked alone, she had no one to have a good conversation with, at least a one on one conversation, however it got quite interesting when Eddy said that the Econo Company's cornbread was on the top 10 'most bought' list and Ed and May spoke with Lee and Eddy on a conversation involving money and corn.
Then, they started to feel a small vibration, and in the distance, the sound of a constant chuff, like a steam engine, and then behind them, they saw something large and silver heading up the street, indeed it was a steam engine. Yet a rather small one, but still a steam engine. It looked as though it were nailed together from iron scraps, Marie looked ahead of her, she saw a small building right next to the wooden rails, it had a platform like a train station.
"Ooh! Right on time!" Eddy exclaimed, as he was looking at his watch, It was the holiday train, meaning it came on holidays as well as school days, only it came at 12:00 instead of 7:30, and it was right on schedule. The steam engine was large and bulky with six drive wheels, and Marie couldn't believe it.
"All aboard!" Said a voice that made Marie sigh in relief.
"And of course, all females aboard first, please." Said Edd, climbing out of the engine cab in a cloud of smoke.
"And I thought you actually ditched me!" Said Marie, "Because I probably would've murdered you after you did that." She said in a false dark expression.
Double D wheezed in fright.
"You know I'm only joking, oven mitt!" Marie laughed.
Double D sighed in relief and looked up to the cab, where a dark-haired boy was sitting, he called to him, "Could you cover my shift, Steven? I have a little business..."
Steven nodded with a broad smile and stood up and tossed a shovelful of coal into the furnace, only to be bombarded with ashes and soot, Steven coughed and continued with shoveling.
Double D turned to his friends and said, "No meaning to nag, but could everyone please deposit 10 cents for tickets? I'll pay for my own, too, of course." Double D pointed at a red booth on the station platform with a small box with a slot in it.
Now, two years have passed so don't think that the Eds are flat broke like they always were in the old days, Eddy carried a few dollars around for his pocket money but he spends most of it on bubblegum and jawbreakers, while Ed carries half the planet in his wallet considering the debris that falls out whenever he tips it upside down, so it took a few minutes to get past the stop sign and the half-chewed baby carriage he had when he was two years old when he finally found a small 10 cent dime, covered in dust.
Once they had all deposited 10 cents into the box, there was a small 'clunk' and they waited for their tickets, then suddenly, a large ticket roll which was 15 inches in diameter hit Edd square in the chest.
"Cut 'em yourself bub!" Screamed the ticket master and he ducked back underneath the ticket booth.
They all noticed he had a teddy bear and a pillow propped against his neck.
"It must be mid-morning nap." Said Edd, rubbing where the ticket roll hit him daintily.
Then they saw Jonny in a blue uniform and a conductor's hat. "Okay, fine Plank do you want to say it? Okay." Then he held Plank up with majesty, everyone stared at him blankly, not knowing what to expect, then after nearly a whole minute, Jonny finally spoke again, "Okay guys you know that's the signal now get on!"
Now everyone stared at Jonny, they weren't getting the clue.
Jonny looked at them with sheer frustration and yelled, "Okay, fine, all aboard, wood-haters!"
Nobody really wanted to stand around much now that Jonny had a 2x4 plank of wood in his hand and called them wood-haters.
Double D tore out six tickets and left the rest out on the ticket booth, the ticket master's hand then crawled onto the table and took the tickets, everyone heard him say 'mmm' as if it were a doughnut.
"Sleep-eating... not a good habit." said Eddy as they stepped into the passenger coaches.
When they stepped into the coaches, Edd had hoped they hadn't expected much, because all of their seats were just different kinds of chairs lined up in the way seats should be on a train, but of course the seats were nailed down. That was required in a public moving vehicle in order for it to pass inspection.
"Pretty good structure." said May.
The windows of course were just even square holes in the wall with glass placed inside of them.
"Oh you're just saying that." Edd said.
"No, seriously." said Marie. "For a fourteen-year-old you make a mean steam engine."
"Why thank you, I appreciate that you're enjoying the locomotive." Edd said.
"Well, we better find seats," Said Eddy, looking at his watch again, "the train stops again in 12 minutes, and you don't wanna be standing when it JOLTS to a stop."
"I guess I can't argue with that." Said the Kankers in unison.
Then the PA speaker overhead announced "Attention, passengers, attention, next stop, Merda Avenue."
"This is our stop, buddy!" Jonny said to Plank a few rows behind the Eds.
'You said we were going out for ice cream' Plank replied in Jonny's thoughts.
"After we visit grandma!" Jonny told Plank, "Otherwise she just sends us $5.00 bills for Christmas instead of granola bars!"
'I could think of a few uses for five dollar bills, like ICE CREAM' Plank did one of those plank-of-wood death glares where they don't change their facial expression at all.
"What's wrong with Plank?" asked Sarah, looking over her seat with a bored expression.
'I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT'S WRONG!' Plank lunged at Sarah.
Sarah started to scream and try to throw Plank away, "AAAH! AAH! GET OFF ME YOU- wait a minute, you're a plank of wood! YOU CAN'T FIGHT BACK, PLANK!" She threw Plank straight at the wall, Plank bounced back and hit her square in the nose.
Meanwhile, back where the main plot is taking place in the front seats, the main characters were conversing about the high cost of cornbread and the low cost of butter.
"I mean why would butter be cheap when you still need to pay nine bucks for something to spread it on?" Eddy said.
"Well, it is the holiday season and a lot of cooking and baking goes around this time of year so it would make sense." Edd replied.
"Maybe they just don't know what to do with the cr-" Marie was interrupted by a snowball hitting the window with a 'thunk'.
Edd looked out the window after the snowball slid off of the window and saw Kevin with a dirty smirk on his face and a dirtier pile of snowballs next to him.
Eddy also looked out the window and said, "ah, shovel-chin ye be a sore loser, that boy hasn't talked to a girl in 18 months."
The Kankers looked hopeful.
May said, "Does this mean we're..."
The Eds looked puzzled for a few seconds, then they all talked at the same time.
Ed: "Oh sure we're uh..."
Edd: "Well it does seem proper..."
Eddy: "This fic is a romance after all..."
All of which was said at the same time as the fourth wall cracked a little.
The Kankers all said, "YES!" And slapped hands.
Marie asked, "So, uh, where'd this train come from?"
Edd said, "Well, it's kind of a long story," as May fished around in her seat for a snack someone might have left on the train, then he began the story.
"The story of this 1912-style locomotive begins about a year and a half ago, when a shortage of gasoline was starting to affect its own prices in Peach Creek. The school programs were running out of funding for transportation fuel, so one day after a long walk to school, a large poster was hanging on the front door, stating for us to help the school by donating money or finding ideas for transit." Edd took a breath, "so one day, I walked into the principal's office and laid down some blueprints and maps for my idea, after a few weeks of talking to the mayor of Edmond, Oklahoma* we finally had enough metal and coal to build and power a 19th-century passenger train and he had confirmed there would be rails built legally around the entire neighborhood and thus, the Peach Creek express was born!" Edd took another breath. "And, as long as these trains run, I get 30% of the profits provided by the fair passenger students and travelers each drop-off and pick-up, we also have a special grocery route on Tuesdays for half-off."
The train gave a wee jolt.
"This is our stop!" said Jonny.
'You owe me a triple-chunk icy fun fudge for this!' said Plank.
"BUT IT'S THE MIDDLE OF DECEMBER!" Jonny yelled to Plank.
"This is also our stop." Edd said, "Sadly, the railroad doesn't connect to the far side of the cul-de-sac but it's not a far walk."
As they departed from the train, Edd walked up to the cab of the engine with a small sack full of coins in his hand, he walked up to Steven who was covered in soot, and handed him the small sack.
"Thank you, Steven there's your pay," said Edd, "tomorrow we'll get you the rest of it."
Steven smiled, gave a thumbs-up, and climbed back into the cab.
Edd called up to him, "Thank you, I'll call the assistant train attendants to assist you!"
Steven smiled again and eased on the train's throttle gently, and once again, the Peach Creek express slid out of the station as Ed cheered, "AND WE'RE OFF!" Edd said "Indeed."
–
They walked about three blocks until the Eds turned around and faced the Kanker sisters.
"Would you mind closing your eyes for a minute?" asked Edd, the Kankers hesitated, "Don't worry, we'll guide you." Edd grinned innocently.
The Kankers shrugged and shut their eyes, the three Eds guided them around a corner as their seeing-eye Eds, then after about 10 steps, Ed said,
"Alright, the ma'ams can peeks now!"
The Kankers opened their eyes and felt so touched that they wanted to close them and open them again to make sure it was real.
KANKER MEMORIAL PARK, read a plaque sitting upon a brick pillar nearby a small cobblestone path leading down a lush green field surrounded by trees, in the distance they saw a tall strong classic-looking playground next to a refreshment stand that served several different kinds of meats, perfumes, and for some reason, axle oils, and in the distance in the center of the whole park there lay a tall strong (good-looking) stone statue of lord Kanker, wearing a powdered wig and a long tailcoat reading 'L. Jeffery Kanker'.
The Kanker sisters looked upon it in awe and took a deep sniff of the freshly mowed grass (which was half-drowned out by the scent of recently fallen snow.
Then Edd said, "And guess where it's located?" He pointed to the surrounding road, an old dirt one nearby a picket fence.
May said, "And all this time we thought some old World of Warcraft geek was buying it to make a new GameStop!"
"So you appreciate it?" asked Edd, "and you aren't going to go into a hideous fit of rage and destruction possibly causing World War III?"
Marie stared at him awkwardly.
"OH! Not that you're hideous or anything!"
Eddy helped Edd, "because you're definitely not!"
The Kankers looked relieved, then Marie had remembered something, "so, all that talk on the train about romance and all..."
"Don't worry, it's definitely official, we are all as you say, definitely hooked up." Edd did air quotes at the last three words.
May giggled and shrieked in happiness and gave Ed a bone crushing hug, but Ed, being the loveable oaf he was, gave May an equally bone crushing hug.
Lee gave a toothy grin and looked at Eddy, who chuckled and began to sweat, he looked at the camera and said, "To be continued, next chapter."
WILL THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ED AND KANKER PULL THROUGH? WILL NAZZ AND KEVIN RESIST TO BEAT DOUBLE D TO A PULP? WILL NEXT CHAPTER TAKE ANOTHER SIX MONTHS TO ESTABLISH? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON RETURN OF THE KANKERS!
This program is brought to you by Bacon & the Crazy Kid, a comic bearing wacky adventures between Beckan and his insane brother, this comic is not yet published/rated, AND the patient fans of ShutUp321.
Sorry for the long wait BUT MY GUILT HAS LIFTED, expect my next chapter: Home on the Mange within two weeks.
*Edmond, Oklahoma: This wasn't really my idea, but there is a Peach Creek in Edmond, Oklahoma and it has that subtle Ed Edd n Eddy touch in the name which is very hard to find.