A/N Hello there :) this chapter took ages to write, about a month 'cause I couldn't decide what would happen :/ it's all sorted now though, I really hope you like it!
Why does this shit only happen to me?
The class was silent as I walked in; keeping my head held high, I sauntered to the desk, trying to appear aloof and indifferent, as if it didn't really matter to me who I sat next to. But of course it mattered. I was internally cringing; I had pondered this boy all during lunch, thinking about his emerald green eyes, his bronze wayward locks and his fiery temper that matched mine. My anger towards him had ebbed only slightly and I had been glad to think I would never have to speak to him again, but that was out of the window now. It was certain that we would be doing practical in Biology, and that would mean inevitable conversation with your lab partner; the person you shared a desk with.
Of course, me being a klutz, sauntering didn't exactly help me keep my balance. As I neared the table, I could feel every pair of eyes trained on my back, and in Edwards case; my face. He was still glaring angrily at me, and that combined with the stares made me blush a deep red.
Somehow, I don't know how I managed it; my foot wrapped itself around the leg of the table beside my desk and I lost my balance. My hands shot reflexively out in front of me, onto my desk and skidded across it; to where Edward's hands were. My chin cracked loudly when it made contact with the hard table-top. My legs were dangling off the edge of the table, and my top half was sprawled across it.
Edward was looking at my hip, his eyes narrowed as he took in my small tattoo that was exposed, his hands that had been on the desk were clenched into fists again at his sides, a few giggles and mutters from my fellow class mates echoed around the classroom. I yanked my t-shirt down, so he couldn't see what it said. He probably wouldn't be able to read the words anyway; they were in Italian, but it was private, something that gave me strength. I got off the table stiffly and brushed myself down. I was humiliated. I took my seat and mumbled a short apology to Edward before starting to copy down the notes on the board gladly. Eager to be distracted from my first klutz disaster of the day. My chin was sore, I was certain I would have a bruise in the morning. I cursed myself for not wearing my hair down so I could create my infamous curtain and hide behind it for the rest of the class.
There was a tense silence between Edward and me. I wasn't saying a word to him until he apologised; I'm stubborn that way. He didn't seem the type that apologised though, so we would remain never talking. I was still angry about lunch, even though it had only been a teensy little thing. Who did he think he was calling me a bitch? I knew I shouldn't be so worked up over a small comment, but I hated being called names. And I also hated people judging me. I knew I shouldn't have responded with what I said; it meant that I was judging him by calling him a 'depressed emo.' But like I said, I wasn't going to apologise first, he started it in my book.
He must be smart, or a senior. This was a senior class; I had only got in because I was in the advanced placement group in Phoenix. He certainly seemed old enough to be one, matured, unlike most of the other boys in the school that I had experienced, with their ogling and crude remarks. I would have to ask Alice about that tonight, along with why he was here, annoying the hell out of me with his snarky remarks and stubbornness. Couldn't he just go back to where he came from and leave me alone so I could complete my education before fleeing from Forks? He was welcome to come back after I had fled.
As the class continued I kept copying down the notes; Mr Banner was gonna give me carpal tunnel, and pretended to listen to the lesson. It was mind-numbingly boring and I slipped into a stupor halfway through the class and thankfully the teacher never called on me for any questions. I copied down the assignment given at the end of class carefully; it wasn't much, only a few questions in our textbook to complete.
The bell rang and Cullen shot out of his seat like his ass was on fire. I heaved a sigh of relief, half thankful to Mr Banner for not doing any practical today and half thankful to Cullen's speedy exit and silent treatment, at least we didn't have to make conversation. I packed up my books and smiled at a few people that I had other classes with. A girl, who I vaguely remembered as Lauren and was in my Math class, drew me daggers as I passed by. What the fuck was her problem? I focused on keeping my anger down, and not to snap at her. I was trying to keep the little-miss-goodie-two-shoes act up as long as I could. I didn't want to get in any trouble at this school; I wanted to pass through as incident-free as possible. Punching bitches in the face didn't exactly get me into college.
I was surprised that I hadn't actually been giving a lecture by a teacher about 'making a scene in the lunch room.' I suppose they just let me off because I was 'going through the stages of grief.' Yeah, I know all the teacher phrases, I'm cool like that.
Stages of grief. Who would want to make that up? I wasn't able to relate to any of the stages. It was like I had made my own up. Guilt, grief, numbness, pain and a touch of bitterness.
I tried to move my thoughts onto more positive things, not letting my mind take me back to the first week after my parents had died. I didn't think of the hospitalisation, the look on Emmett's face when he told me what I had already knew. I didn't think of the agony that coursed through my body, physical and mental as I had ran from the hospital, out into the baking sun. I didn't think of the identification that the FBI had told us was necessary. I didn't think of the panic attacks. I didn't think of the subject as a whole.
Tonight with Alice would be good; we could catch up on what had been going on in each others lives so far. I wouldn't tell her some things though, obviously. They were private. But I was glad that Alice had welcomed me back after so many years, no exceptions. It made me feel as if my time in Forks would be bearable, a little less hard now that I had someone that I could rely on, outside of my only relative.
I walked to Spanish, trying ignoring the looks and whispers that seemed to echo all around me. They reminded me of when I had to return to school in Phoenix; to get my leaving form signed by all the teachers. I remembered my former best-friend holding hands with my former boyfriend. Everything had changed after the accident. I had needed them most at that time, but they were there, staring at me like an exhibit in a museum and passing comments about me between them, as if I couldn't hear them. I had felt alienated, like I felt now. I seemed to momentarily forget about Alice and the other friends I had met today, getting sucked into a downward spiral as the stares became too much for me to handle. I kept my pace quick, trying to remind myself that they didn't know anything about me, apart from my parent's death. They didn't know anything about me, or what happened, they don't know anything, I repeated to myself as paranoia swept over me and the door to my Spanish class seemed to get further and further away. My breathing became sharp as I inhaled and exhaled quickly. I couldn't breathe. The walls seemed to be closing in on me, suffocating me. I was stupid to think that I would need to take my pills this morning, everyone staring and looking at me was sure to set off my panic attacks. I needed to find Emmett before it became a full-blown attack. The corridors were slowly emptying, not fast enough for me to deal with the panic attack on my own or find Emmett. Already, people were looking at me funny, eyebrows furrowed as to why I bent over; panting as though I had just run a marathon. My palms were beginning to sweat as I wiped them on my jeans furiously, trying to maintain my breathing. It was getting worse and I couldn't move. People were shooting me worried glances, and a few from my classes asked me if I was okay, I tried to feign it off, wheezing a yes, rolling my eyes and smiling while my lungs seemed to become unresponsive to the breaths I was taking.
Just as I was about to collapse on the floor, I felt an arm wrap around my waist and slowly drag me down the corridor, whispering in my ear to take deep breaths and rubbing soothing circles into my back. I recognised that voice, it was Rosalie Cullen.
I leant heavily on her, letting her carry most of my weight as we went down corridors and through doors, I tried to breathe evenly, in through my nose, out through my mouth. Finally, we came to a halt and I bent over, grabbing my waist as though I had a stitch and breathed heavily, while Rosalie continued to rub circles into my back, soothing me. I don't know how long it was before I recovered from my attack, but I did. My heart rate went back to normal and I was able to look at Rosalie. Her lovely face was twisted with worry as she looked me over, pulling me into a tight hug, when she was sure the worse was over.
'You scared me there, are you okay?" she asked, pulling back, gripping my forearms and looking me over again.
'I'm fine Rosalie, it was just a panic attack…I er, never took my tablet this morning.' I admitted, humiliated that I had to share my problems with this beautiful girl. I looked down at my feet sheepishly. I realised that we were in the girls bathroom, it was empty. Everyone must be in class already, meaning that I was late for Spanish.
'Call me Rose,' she replied with a smile, before rooting around in her handbag looking for something. After a few seconds of looking, she pulled out a small pill box and handed it to me. Inside were Prozac, my prescription medicine for panic attacks. 'I want you to take one of those and go straight home.' She said, in an almost motherly voice that made my heart ache. Did Rosalie take panic attacks?
'What you're an expert now on panic attacks? Thanks by the way,' I said, gratefully swallowing my pill with the bottle of water she handed to me. 'So do you take them? Panic attacks I mean.' I asked her, curious to know if she did. We could relate with each other to some level if she did. I played with the bottle cap and leaned against the sinks waiting on her to reply. Her face hardened slightly, disappearing under a mask.
'No, Edward does.' She said, gauging my reaction, her shield up. I didn't know what to say. Edward Cullen, with the I-don't-give-a-shit exterior, suffered from anxiety? It blew me away. I tried to keep my face composed.
'Oh.' I muttered, stunned. 'Why did you guys move here anyway? I haven't seen you around town before.' I asked, returning my voice to its normal tenor and trying to hide my brewing curiosity and look as though I was just asking questions for the sake of asking questions, I wanted to know why these two teenagers, that were so beautiful, they looked like angels, moved here. To shitty Forks with nothing to offer but trees covered in green poo, and shitty houses straight from the fifties. Rosalie went into poker face mode. There was a long pause before she spoke again.
'Well things happened back home that got difficult for the family, so we moved here to Forks." She said, underlying tones in her voice that immediately told me that she wasn't telling me the full story, of course why would she? I was an almost stranger to her; we had only been introduced at lunch and exchanged pleasantries. Then she had found me in the middle of a panic attack, and that had been the extent of our interaction.
I just nodded. It sounded exactly what I would say if a stranger asked me why I moved here. It certainly wasn't out of choice; that was for sure. I think it was the same for Rosalie, and the way she said 'back home' as though she still thought of Phoenix as her home, and Forks was just a temporary passage that she had to go through. I could relate to that. I could also sense that the sentence was final; no more was to be said about the subject.
'Bella, I'm sorry about your –' Rosalie started, but I cut her off already knowing what she was about to say. I didn't need any more sympathy.
'It's fine. Can we not talk about that? I don't like discussing…the past.' I said quickly, smiling hastily and turning around to wash my hands in the sink methodically, for something to distract me. Because it was the past, and nothing was going to bring my mom and dad back to me. I would have to battle on through the complex roads that life can bring you to, and hope for the best.
Out of my peripheral vision I saw Rosalie nod her head before looking down at her perfectly manicured nails.
'You know, it might help if you…talked about it.' She said quietly, still looking at her nail-beds. I smiled, almost cruelly, looking at her in the mirror.
'Everyone thinks that would help, don't they? But trust me, it doesn't. Most just want to know the gossip, to spread around the school what the freak has been through. No, I don't need that. I'm fine.' I said bleakly. My most common lie in the past three months; I'm fine.
'I'm sorry.' She apologised, meeting my gaze. Her eyes were full of honest sympathy, I had a feeling those words had a double meaning. I just smiled falsely at her, padding my hands dry on the paper towels beside me and checking my make-up. I picked up my bag I had dumped on the counter and turned round to face her.
'I'm gonna go home now, there's really no point in staying for the last, twenty minutes.' I said glancing at the time on my phone. "Thanks again for the Prozac, could you maybe not mention this to anyone?' I asked, hoping to keep my most recent panic attack under wraps at the school.
'What, are you afraid to be seen with me?' she teased, chuckling. Then her tone became more sober 'Of course, and could you not mention to Edward I told you about the panic attacks? He wouldn't appreciate me telling his business.' She said her face twisting up in a mix between humour and worry.
'No problem.' I replied, giving her a genuine grin and leaving her standing alone in the bathroom, with a peculiar expression on her face. If she kept my secrets, I would keep hers. I wandered down the corridors trying to be discreet about skipping class and sent Alice a text explaining my absence and telling her to come round tonight at six for our sleepover. I sent Emmett one too, explaining about the attack and that Alice would be staying tonight.
I figured I should tell Alice about the panic attacks, I mean if I was with her and I took one, then I wanted her to know how to help me. And I should tell her the less important things if I was keeping the rest locked away in a sealed vault.
I knew I was trying to keep an immaculate record in school, but I really couldn't stand sitting in class, even if it was for only 20 minutes. So I snuck out the exit and breathed a sigh of relief when the misting rain washed over my face.
It's ironic, when I lived in Phoenix I hated the rain, but now in Forks, it comforted me. Rain seemed natural in Forks. It wasn't natural in Phoenix, it wasn't right, almost as if it was a curse.
I walked easily to my car, confident that I wouldn't be caught ditching now that I was outside. The rain and fog provided me with a shield, and if anyone was to look out the window, all they would be able to see were faint and blurry shapes.
As I walked, my eyes glanced around the car-park, taking everything in that I could see, looking for anything abnormal. After that I was hyper-aware of my surroundings at all time, well I tried to be. That was how I noticed the silver Volvo that had caught my eye earlier. Not really my type of car, I associated it with old men. The silver tint was beaded with raindrops, the darkened windows preventing me from seeing in. A flash of bronze hair and the rhythm of All American Rejects coming from the car told me that Edward Cullen was skipping class. Hm, good music taste I thought as I passed by, walking to my car and sliding in. I stuck my iPod back in and let the music fill my head as I pulled out of my space and out of the school, without a backwards glance to the Volvo and its owner.
Alice arrived in her run down Daihatsu Copen, the canary yellow paintwork rusted at the edges, and showering flecks of dirt everywhere as she made her way up the drive. I hurried to the door to let her in, the rain was getting heavier now and looked as though it was gonna be on all night, as Alice sprinted up the path. In heels. It was a fine art, running in heels. She ran in, shaking herself off and enveloped me in a hug.
'Shit Bella, don't do that to me! I was so worried about you when you didn't turn up in Spanish! I nearly got a toilet pass to go looking for you, and Alice Brandon never cuts class. Well, unless there's a sale.' She said quickly, her eyes appraising me.
'Sorry Al. Erm well, I take panic attacks sometimes. When people stare at me or talk about me when I'm there, that triggers them. I take medication for it, but today I never took it. I was curious to know that if I didn't take my pill, then I wouldn't take an attack, but I suppose curiosity killed the cat. I took an attack today, and I just couldn't face going back into class. ' I explained. I could see the sympathy in her face as she gave another hug.
'Aww Bella, you could have just told me earlier.' Was her response, before we moved onto another topic of conversation as we moved upstairs to my room. We had the house to ourselves tonight, I had told Emmett that Alice was coming over and he had cleared out, going over to Jaspers to have a 'man-to-man' talk. Yeah right, they'd probably get drunk and play Xbox, Call of Duty or some shit like it.
I had tidied the whole house in preparation for her staying, I had also raided the stacks of DVD's in the loft from when we had moved to try and find some of my favourites and ones that Alice would like.
Once we were in my room, I gave Alice some privacy to let her change. I had had a shower before she came over and changed into my comfiest sweats. We weren't exactly going anywhere; we were ordering dinner, so we didn't need to look good.
We relocated downstairs after Alice was changed, and I learned everything that was going on in Forks High School. Alice was quite the gossip, and knew what was going on in nearly every student's life.
Alice had a crush on Jasper Whitlock, as I had suspected. She went on about him for at least ten minutes, I had to cut her off when she started describing the way his nose twitched just the tiniest bit before he smiled. Too much detail. I liked Jasper, he was sweet, but I didn't want to know everything about him when we had only just met. They were friends, the best of, and she didn't want to mess it up by taking things too far if he didn't like her back. I had a sneaky feeling that he did, when he looked at her at lunch I noted the pure adoration in his eyes, and he would nod eagerly when she said something, agreeing with her straight away. It was really cute, but I would leave it to them to sort out their relationship, with maybe a few nudges here and there from me.
Tanya, Irina, Jessica and Lauren were the whores of the school. Apparently, they had made their rounds around every male student in Forks High at least once.
Kate, Angela, and Carmen were the nice girls, Alice had befriended them all, and the only reason she hadn't been sitting with them today was because Emmett and I were coming back. I would probably get on with them all; I had already hit it off with Angela in classes, so I hoped I would be able to fit in with their crowd easily. Jasper had made friends with Edward in one of their classes Alice said, so that would explain why they were sitting with us. I was surprised by this, when I was there Edward had hardly said a word, but before I arrived he had spoken to everyone at the table, including Emmett Alice told me. What a weird boy.
Typically, most of the boys at the school were horrible. The only friendly ones really were Ben, Eleazar, Garrett and Jasper of course, according to Alice. The rest only wanted a fuck. They were all in relationships though, not that I was looking for a boyfriend. Temporary passage I kept telling myself.
And the most interesting piece of knowledge Alice gave me was about the Cullen's. Carlisle Cullen; the new local doctor was Edward and Rosalie's father. Their mother was Esme Cullen; an interior designer in Port Angeles. Both Rosalie and Edward were seniors, twins really because they were born in the same year, but not the same date. They moved from Gilbert, Phoenix for unknown reasons. That was the only bit of info Alice couldn't get about them, nobody knew. I had thought this would answer all the questions I had asked myself in my head, but it only created more.
Alice and I had thoroughly caught up. We both knew all of each others secrets, except from the events of three months ago. She understood that I couldn't and wouldn't talk about it, and I would be forever grateful to her. I had a best friend again, and it was one of the best feelings in the world.
Emmett had come home at eleven, teasing Alice and I before ordering us all a pizza, Alice and I's second meal of the night. It was nice. After our parents death Emmett and I hadn't really spent time together. I felt guilty about that, and while in Phoenix, it felt as though I had lost my big brother. He seemed so aged for an eighteen year old boy. Having to pay bills and arrange funerals, talking to reporters and looking after me had taken its toll on him. He acted sombre and moody all of the time, and it got to the point where it scared me. I missed my fun loving brother. I got a bit of him back when we moved back to Forks, he seemed to come alive again and became more cheery and immature. It was still a ghost of who he was, but it was better. I suppose it was a fresh start for him moving to Forks, he could forget all that had happened and move on with his life.
I thought all this over as I lay in bed, Alice snoring softly at my side. I was trying to put off falling asleep, knowing that my usual nightmares would haunt me tonight. I didn't want to wake up Alice with them. Even though I had told her a little about them I was sure she would freak out, I mean I would too if someone started screaming in the middle of the night. Emmett had gotten used to it after the first few weeks of running in with a baseball bat to see who the intruder attacking me was.
I shut my eyes tight and snuggled under the cover, and soon the rhythmic pattering of the rain on my window soothed me to sleep, bringing with it my nightmare.
Whatcha think? Drop me a review, the next one should be up soon.. I'm not that sure when though.
Rebecca 3