Shawn hurried inside the hotel room to find his companion sitting on the bed surrounded by paperwork. John looked up when he heard the door slam and flashed him a warm smile.
"Hey kitten. Back so…what's wrong?" His smile immediately faded when he saw the look on Shawn's face. His eyes were slightly glazed as if he had been crying and he did not look happy at all.
"I'm fine," he lied.
"Yeah right. Come over here." John moved his paperwork to the shelf next to him motioning for Shawn to lay next to him. Shawn was only too eager. He was drained from the first part of the interview both physically and mentally, but that was to be expected. He crawled on the bed next to John and curled into him. John kissed the top of his head. "I take it he's not being reasonable." Shawn groaned burying his face in John's side.
"Words can't even describe how much of a pain in the ass he's being." His muffled complaint made the Texan laugh.
"Oh come on Shawn. Are you sure you're being fair? You know you aren't the most reasonable person either." Shawn lifted his head poking out his lips in a pout.
"What are you talking about? I'm always reasonable!"
"Oh, yeah. Sure you are," John sang. "That's how we ended up moving in together right? Because I told you no but you insisted—
"Alright, alright," he grumbled. "Maybe I can be a little stubborn but I swear I was actually trying ya know?" Shawn rolled over on top of John settling himself between the Texan's legs. John wrapped his arms around Shawn's back holding him in place while Shawn buried his face in John's neck. He took a deep breath breathing in the only scent that could comfort him.
"Oh kitten, it's going to be alright. If it's really that bad why don't you call it off? I'm sure Chris will understand."
"But I can't," he mumbled. "If I run now then I may never get another chance to tell my side of the story. I'm tired of all his Canadian fans worshipping him like he's some kind of God. I wonder how they would feel if they knew we were lovers once…how they'd react if they knew Canada's hero was actually sleeping with Canada's number one public enemy?"
"You're actually planning to ruin him like that?"
"No. I never wanted to bring any of that up but he…he backed me into a corner…started hammering away at me and somehow it all sort of come out. Believe me, I never wanted any of our personal lives revealed but he pretty much brought it on himself. I was going to leave at one point but then he confessed to Chris that we were lovers. It's too late now."
"Why'd he do that? That doesn't sound like something Bret would do especially considering just last year he told Canadian cameras that he's always despised you."
"I don't know," Shawn sighed. "I just don't know. It's weird…being in the room with him. I'd be lying to you if I told you that I didn't feel something being near him," he confessed. John only chuckled.
"It's quite alright kitten. I didn't expect you to go into this interview and not come back feeling conflicted. He was your first love and I know he can never be replaced." Shawn raised his head looking intensely into the eyes of his lover.
"John, no matter what happens today between me and Bret I want you to know that it's not enough to make me leave you. We've had this discussion before."
"You say that now kitten but…" he sighed. "I wanted you to do the interview so that you can get your side out but I also pushed you into it so that you can see him again. Maybe heal some old wounds and figure out where your heart truly lies." Shawn shook his head angrily.
"Don't," he growled. "Don't even…think that way. I don't love Bret like that anymore. You forget he ruined my life. He left me John and never once looked back. I cannot and will not forget that. Sure I forgave him a long time ago and yeah, maybe I do still have deep feelings for him but I will not go back to him. That hold he had on me is long gone." John opened his mouth to protest but Shawn stopped him with a kiss. John gave up the fight and just gave into the familiar taste he loved more than anything in the world. Shawn pulled away when they both gave out of breath and buried his face in John's neck again. John decided to let it go. After all, Shawn pretty much ended the conversation with his kiss so it was best not to push the subject any further. John let his fingers entangle themselves in Shawn's locks to comfort him. Whether Shawn knew it or not, seeing Bret was for his own good. He still has feelings for him but is in denial right now… I love you so much kitten but you need to heal your heart first. Only then can we truly get on with our lives…
--xx--
Bret did not move from his chair at all during the lunch break. Instead he stayed rooted on the spot – not like he had much of a choice anyway. Since Shawn and Chris left it seemed like his legs had grown 100 pound weights that were weighing him down in his chair. Not that it mattered though. He really didn't want to move anyway because he was afraid of not coming back. If he left the building anytime today then there was no way in hell he'd ever come back. Maybe he was being a bit babyish but he didn't care. Too much of his past life was starting to resurface and it was things that he never wanted to recall. Well…so he said. Bret closed his eyes recalling the first time he held Shawn in his arms. That whole scene still seemed to play out like a movie in his head – and it was one hell of a movie too. It was so good that he could still smell Shawn's shampoo tickling his nostrils. The thought made Bret laugh. He hadn't recalled such memories in years. Even during the 100 plus Canadian interview he's done these past years, he still never once thought of Shawn in that way.
So why am I thinking of him now? Bret was glad to have this alone time because he needed it. This interview was not going at all the way he thought it would go. He calculated before hand that Shawn would try to take a few cheap shots at him. No big deal he thought but he couldn't have been more wrong. Shawn wasn't at all what he expected him to be except for the few times Bret pushed but he did it out of anger more than anything else. So many years he'd been harboring that bitterness and when he heard Shawn's voice he just exploded on him. He hit him with accusation after accusation never expecting him to be so humble and rational. The Shawn he remembered (not counting the first few humble years) was very irrational and childish. He tended to throw temper tantrums when things didn't go his way but even now when he thought about it, that was something he secretly liked about him. Whenever Shawn was temper mental, I was the one who calmed him down…For the first few years anyway. Bret scoffed. Everything was fine between them until people started influencing Shawn. People like Hunter. Bret shook the thought. He had no desire to think about Hunter and he really wished he could stop thinking about Shawn but it was no use. Those images of holding him the shower just kept replaying over and over in his head making him extremely uncomfortable. I need to get a grip!
Bret glanced down at his watch and realized it was almost time for them to get back. It was going on 1 o'clock but neither Chris nor Shawn was back yet. Bret chuckled. Maybe they weren't coming back but who could blame them? Bret could tell that Chris was extremely uncomfortable throughout the interview though he got points for sticking it out. Bret knew if he would have been in Chris' place he might have given up after the first round. As for Shawn, well…it would be unexpected if he chose not to come back. He cracked at Shawn earlier in the interview for being a scared little boy who tended to run from his problems rather than face them but the truth is, he couldn't have been more wrong. Shawn was never one to back down from much of anything even if he was in the wrong. His bravery – if you call it that – tended to get him in trouble more so than helping him out. In a way Bret supposed he ought to be grateful for guys like Nash and Hunter because they did tend to look out for him, even if they were bad influences.
Bret heard the door swing open on the other side then the soft footsteps came next. He looked up to see Chris taking his place back out in front. He looked less tense and ready for battle. He smiled at Bret.
"You alright champ?" Chris asked.
"Yeah. I'm good. Enjoy your lunch?"
"Yeah I did. Took a walk too," he laughed.
"I don't blame you. You look less stressed than before."
"Yeah well no offense to you or Shawn but…wow. You took a lot out of me. Sometimes I'm scared to even breathe."
"I wouldn't worry about breathing. I'm not in the mood to kill anyone and from the looks of it, this interview may not continue. If he doesn't show soon I suppose we can both go home." Even as Bret said the words, his heart seemed to sink even further. He would never admit it out loud but he wanted Shawn to come back. So much was already on the table so it really wouldn't hurt to finish the interview. Plus, he needed to hear more from Shawn. Just hearing his voice…He couldn't explain it but it was comforting in a way.
A few more minutes passed. Bret was about to tell Chris to call it a day when the door finally opened and closed again. Shawn walked in looking – in Chris's opinion – just as tense as before which kind of scared Chris. He half wondered if he should even try to continue. Shawn looked as if he could snap at any moment and quite frankly Chris did not want to get on his idol's bad side. He waited for a minute pretending to be looking for a specific note card when Bret broke the silence.
"How's the boyfriend?" Bret asked. Shawn glanced towards the divider with an eyebrow raised curiously.
"Not that you really care but he's fine. In fact, he had to make me come back here."
"Oh I see. You were planning on running away huh?"
"Yeah. Guess I was. For the first time in a long time I was ready to give up because I figured something out. It really doesn't matter what I do or say today. At the end of the day, we're still going to hate each other so why even bother ya know? But then John reminded me that I should at least do it for Chris since we are good friends. He also said I should do it just to prove to you that I've changed. The second argument won me over because Chris and I still have some old wounds to heal." Chris shifted nervously at this having been reminded of a very terrible incident that happened not too long ago. Bret looked over at the divider and chuckled.
"You and the kid huh? Wow. And I thought my eyes were deceiving me. The way the two of you look at each other sometimes it's enough to make me cringe." Cena! Of all the people he had to choose Cena…
"If you're talking about Cena then you got the wrong John. Yes, it's true that Cena and I had feelings for each other but another John won my heart in the end. Actually I think I kind of forced him to take it but whatever. I love him. He loves me and that's all that matters."
"Another John?" Bret asked. Who the hell else…? Shawn let out an exasperated sigh.
"If you must know Bret, it's actually Layfield."
"As in John Bradshaw Layfield? The JBL? The rich, stockbroker jerk-face from hell JBL?" he asked incredulously.
"He's none of the above Bret, but you wouldn't know since you don't live with him. He's a great guy and treats me better than any of my old flames including you."
"You wish," Bret scoffed. "I never treated you bad."
"You never treated me good either."
"I did too!" Bret snapped.
"Only in private!"
"Well—
"At least when I'm with John I don't have to sneak around. That's why our relationship was doomed from the start. You were too afraid to admit that you were dating a guy."
"YOU KNOW WHY!" he yelled.
"BUT I LOVED YOU DAMMIT! I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO SHOW PEOPLE HOW MUCH I LOVED YOU BUT YOU WERE AFRAID!"
"OF COURSE I WAS! IT'S…IT WASN'T SOMETHING…You don't understand and I'm tired of yelling," he breathed. "Chris can we get a move on please?"
"Yes, please before I throw reason out the window and go back to my lover."
"Uh…alright. Um…" Chris flipped through his note cards racking his brain for a question. He finally decided to just go back to where they left off because right now, he wasn't sure if there was anything safe left. "Shawn we left off with you looking for Bret to thank him. It seemed to go well and last thing you said was that you went back to the hotel and cried yourself to sleep. Why is that?" Shawn took a deep breath before answering.
"I cried because I was alone. Even though Marty had been gone for a few days I still wasn't used to sleeping alone. I was hurt and going back to that lonely hotel room just tore me apart."
"I'm…I'm sorry to hear that," Chris answered.
"It's no big deal," Shawn shrugged. "I eventually got over it. Not completely, but like the old saying goes, 'time heals all wounds'."
"I think that person lied," Bret mumbled.
"So did Bret contribute to your healing process?" Chris asked. Shawn hesitated to answer because he wasn't quite ready to talk nice about Bret again especially since he just dissed his lover. But he promised himself that he'd tell the truth so after contemplating for a minute, he finally answered.
"Sure. He was a big part of my healing process and so was Sherri. Those two kept me from shooting myself in the head."
"When did you finally start to realize that you were getting over Marty?"
"It's kind of hard to pinpoint an exact time. I just know that after a while, I started thinking more of Sherri and Bret than I did my ex partner. I think this was due to the fact that Sherri was rooming with me a lot and Bret was talking with me – briefly – but it was enough to make me feel like I wasn't completely alone. Well…at first anyway," he added.
"What do you mean?"
"Well…by now you should know that I wasn't the most popular person in the locker room unless I was 'whoring' myself out as Bret put it."
"Well you were." Shawn just chuckled.
"I don't expect any of you to understand and I don't really care anymore if you believe me. I don't think I was a whore but the rest of the locker room seemed to think so. By the time Kenneth and AJ were done with me, my good reputation went out the window. Everyone knew I was good in the ring and they also just knew I was good in the sack. Soon everyone wanted a piece of me." He shook his head. "It was crazy."
"Wow. So you mean…there were others that…wanted to sleep with you?" Shawn let out a laugh.
"Oh boy. You'd be surprised. I could name people you just know are straight but I'm not. I never slept with any of those guys. The only guys I slept with were…well, a few in number."
"Define few," Bret mumbled. Shawn rolled his eyes.
"Few in my world might not equal few in yours Bret. I'm not going to lie. I've been through quite a few lovers in my lifetime but that was my way of dealing with my problems. A lot of times I was so drunk or high that I had no idea who I was going to bed with. It got to the point where I just didn't care anymore. I hated everything about myself but the fact that people loved my body kept me from going off the deep end…at least for a while anyway."
"So you just gave in to random people?"
"No, not random. Just…there were a few guys that really took an interest in me after Bret left and the fact that they lusted after me gave me some power over them. I used my body to my advantage. I guess you could say I would tease them, but it made me feel better about myself. Eventually though, I ended up in bed with a few of them. Some of them even fell for me but I wanted no lasting relationship. I just wanted…hell I don't know what I wanted to be honest."
"So basically you're saying that your self confidence was really low?"
"Yeah it was," Bret answered for him. "Even I noticed it. It was part of the reason why I called myself checking up on him."
"Looking at all the tapes of you from back then, you seemed far from being unsure of yourself. Even listening to your promos and seeing how you carried yourself; basically the complete opposite of what you're telling me."
"Well I—
"I got this," Bret said cutting him off. "I – and I can't believe I'm doing this – but I can vouch for him. You see, Owen had the same problem as Shawn. It's not hard going out to the ring playing a character. The character Shawn played on camera was the complete opposite of what he was in private. He was very timid and shy; hated talking about himself. It was as if he were disgusted sometimes." Bret laughed. "Of course this all changed once Hunter got into the picture."
"And here we go again," Shawn sang. "You always find a way to blame Hunter for everything," Shawn accused. "Why can't you let it go? Hunter wasn't—
"Yeah, yeah. Keep telling yourself that sweetie but Hunter wanted you for himself. I will prove that before the day's over with."
"Whatever," Shawn grumbled. "I'd like to see you try."
"Oh I will sweetheart. Trust me. Now back to what I was saying Chris. Shawn was very different off screen. So was Owen so I can say that Shawn's telling the truth. As for his many lovers, well, I think he should find another excuse for being a whore."
"Call me a whore one more time and I will walk out that door," Shawn warned. "Anyway Chris, I guess the best way to sum up my sex life is to say that I really was a 'Boy Toy'. I liked the person I became on camera and eventually I started using it in my private life. Some may say I needed counseling – which to this day I'll admit I probably did – but it made me feel good about myself when I wasn't alone so I didn't care."
"I see. Wow. So before we get to this transitional period in your lives, can you two tell me how you went from being friends to secret lovers?" Both Bret and Shawn shifted nervously, neither one really wanting to go there. For a moment Chris thought he should run having asked a very taboo question. It wasn't that he was trying to be nosy but so much had already been revealed that he figured, why not? After a few minutes of an awkward silence, Bret finally let out a breath.
"Fine," he snapped. "I'll start."
"Now wait a second," Chris said quickly. "You don't…remember that you don't have to answer any of my questions. I'm not…I mean, I don't want you to think that—
"It's fine," Shawn said softly. "If he's willing to talk, then I will listen and add my piece when the time comes."
"I'll talk," Bret answered. "Besides, I can't…I just can't deny that we were good friends anymore because we were." He sighed. "I guess I should start with our growing friendship. Around this time, Shawn was still with Sherri…"
AN: If you don't understand Shawn's relationship with JBL then don't beat yourself up. JBL is very special to me and right now, I'm still kind of stuck on him and Shawn. They work in a weird way and I like them. They are a rarely used pairing but of course, they won't work unless it's done right. Since I'm too lazy to go into the whole story of how they hooked up, I'm going to refer you to another fic titled 'The Deal'. This actually kind of ties in with the epilogue of 'The Deal'. If you want to know the long, sad, angsty history of their relationship, Shawn's past relationships, and how they managed to fall in love, you'll have to read it because I honestly cannot explain it all in this fic. It would take too long. Most of you have already read it so you're good. But I was just giving everyone else the head's up in case they thought JBL was really random. Next update? I have no idea. I am focusing most of my time on my Original fics but every now and then when I get stuck on something, I'll be updating this fic. Thanks to all who have been reading and I hope you continue to be patient with me.