"Shawn…Come on baby get up."
"No….stop…he's gone," he choked. But even as he protested he was being helped up off of the floor. Warm arms embraced him from behind as he wept softly. He was tired of crying. He'd been crying for God knows how long and he really wished he could stop, but he couldn't. The tears just kept streaming down his face even though he kept his mouth clamped shut. For ten long minutes they just stood there. Shawn was still too shocked to move on his own but his comforter didn't feel much of a need to move him for fear of getting screamed at.
As for Shawn, the world just seemed to stop. As he stared at nothing in particular all he could see was John smiling at him, promising him that he would try. I'll try…I'll try for you… I love you Shawn, more than you know… Time seemed to stop as over and over again the dialogue played in his head. He suddenly doubled over, gasping for breath. He wasn't breathing. For how long, he wasn't sure. The only thing that registered was the dizziness as the oxygen rushed to fill his brain. The images were now swirling around his head making him feel nauseous and then he could see them. The colors. Colors that he hated with a passion. Pink and black. Lots of pink and black. Then a face. His face. Replacing that of John's. He snatched away violently scaring the hell out of Bret.
"Don't…touch me," he growled. Bret took a few steps towards him but Shawn backed away. "You stay over there. I don't want you anywhere near me you selfish bastard."
"Selfish bastard?" he repeated. "What the hell Shawn? I haven't done anything."
"You…it's all YOUR fault that he's gone," he seethed.
Bret opened his mouth to speak but then closed it just as quickly. The look on Shawn's face was one he wasn't quite familiar with. It was wild, dangerous even and Bret hated it. It was as if the Shawn he knew was gone and something else had replaced him. His eyes no longer held that spark to his jewels – if you could even call them jewels. His eyes…they were dark and cold to compliment the most intimidating frown he'd ever seen. "Sh…Shawn I…"
"I knew it," he continued. "Somehow I just knew it was too good to be true." Shawn suddenly laughed a little but it wasn't a happy laugh. In fact, it was almost cruel in a way that touched a nerve.
"Shawn listen…" But Bret was completely ignored.
"We never fight," Shawn continued, almost as if he was talking to himself. "After I broke our deal at that pay per view, we never fought again. It's like he understands me and I him. I promised him happiness and God knows I've been doing it right. Or have I just been fooling myself – no – impossible." Shawn raised his head, his eyes boring dangerously into Bret. "He never questioned my heart until YOU came into the picture."
Bret couldn't take much more of Shawn's cold demeanor. He hadn't meant to run John off and in truth, he wasn't exactly responsible for John's actions. But Bret knew Shawn like a book. He needed someone to blame for this and Bret was the only other person in the room.
"Shawn…princess listen to me," he said calmly. "I didn't mean for this to happen."
"You followed me back here as if you expected John to be elsewhere," he shot back. Bret stared at him blankly, his face void of any emotion even though his insides were churning. He probably shouldn't have followed him but what choice did he have? Shawn left out of there so quickly and so out of it that Bret and Chris both feared for his safety. Chris offered to go after him but Bret wanted to be there to comfort him. He wasn't entirely sure that Shawn would find the room empty. After all, Shawn had been in a pretty good mood so there wasn't any way of proving John was gone. But now that he was here, he was starting to wish he'd have let Chris come instead.
"Why are you so quiet Bret?" Shawn asked. His voice was soft and filled with hatred that made Bret a little nervous. "Is it because you didn't think I would figure it out?"
"Figure what out?" he asked dumbly. "Shawn, get a grip princess. I haven't seen, let alone talked with John at all so how is it my fault that he's flown the coop?"
"You followed me here," Shawn accused. "You followed me because you knew no one would be here when I got here. This was all part of some outrageous plan to win me back. Tell the truth Bret. You knew he'd be gone." Shawn was more right than he would ever know but Bret wasn't going to give in just yet. Shawn still had no idea exactly how Bret knew and Bret wasn't going to tell him.
"I didn't…Shawn I swear I didn't…I was with you!"
"But you always get what you want right?" he pushed, his voice laded with hints of a tease but Bret knew better. Shawn was about to throw one of his many temper tantrums and the sad thing about it was that he wasn't sure if he could stop him this time. Shawn moved towards him, his eyes still filled with that cold void.
"Shawn please…don't do this," Bret pleaded. He started taking steps back until he hit the wall. He had no where else to go except out the door but he couldn't do that – not with Shawn bordering something between psycho and killer. Shawn shoved him hard against the door.
"You knew he was gone Bret. I don't know how you knew but you knew." Bret adverted his eyes hating that cold stare of Shawn's. The blonde laughed again before turning away. "You're still the same, selfish bastard I screwed over in Montreal."
This struck a nerve. Bret stormed across the room. Gripping Shawn's shoulder he spun him around hard, glaring at him angrily. "Don't. Don't go there Shawn. You still have no idea what really happened that night so—
"And I don't care," he sang. "I could really care less anymore. Once again you've managed to ruin my entire life so it really doesn't matter anymore."
"It does matter!" he snapped. "Two days ago I was lying in a bed telling God how much I still hated your guts. I didn't want to come here let alone see you again but I came anyway. These last two days have been something crazy Shawn and if you think for one second you're the only one hurting then you are dead wrong."
"But your life's not ruined Bret. You still have a home to go to."
"It's not like that Shawn. I told you that I don't want to go back unless you're with me."
"Tsk…That's not the point Bret!" he snapped. "If you for some reason decide that all of this is just a phase and that your so-called love for me is all in your head, then your life can go back to normal. But mine…not mine Bret. I can't…nothing will be the same for anymore because I just lost the one guy who loved me better than anyone else I've ever been with."
"Including me?"
"Oh, especially you," he replied coldly. Shawn turned away from him, his body shaking with fury. He hated his life right now but more importantly he hated himself for being weak. He knew this interview was a bad idea from the get go. Even when they parted ways years ago, it was still hard to actually get away from Bret. They busted up so many times for some reason or another that they probably held the record for most make-ups and break-ups.
Shawn shook his head. He had so many low points in his life and very recently managed to reach rock bottom, or rather, what he thought was rock bottom. Now he wasn't so sure if that was actually the lowest point anymore. I love John. Even as I'm standing here with Bret, my heart, my body – everything – is screaming for John. I can't even bear to look at Bret let alone listen to him.
"Shawn…" But Shawn wasn't listening. As he stared at the blank wall with silent tears streaming down his face, he became locked in a duel inside his head. The thoughts all ran together taking over him and it was as if he was dead to the world. "Shawn…"
Do I still love him? Do I still love Bret? That is the question I need to answer. But I have no answer because I can't feel anything. I'm empty, null and void of anything. I can't even feel John anymore…
"Shawn?"
What does it mean? Is it a lie? Is my love for him a lie? What was he to me and I to him? Is it really over?
"Princess?"
I hear him… I hear a voice calling my name but I hate it. I can't be too sure though so I ignore it. That voice…really hate that voice… It's annoying like an itch that can't be scratched.
"Shawn please…
It's John I want. I'm sure of it but why? Why can't I feel anything?
"I'm sorry…"
A whispered voice… It's more than annoying now. Worse than before since it's almost comforting…
"I love you."
A choke and then he lets go. Bret holds him tightly from behind, whispering words of comfort in his ear as he sobs. He had watched, waited and wondered how long it would take for Shawn to let it out. Shawn was so quiet for so long and his body shook so much that Bret feared he had already snapped and was really having a nervous breakdown. But it seemed like he would be okay and he wasn't about to stop trying. He hated the way John left but he wanted Shawn back no matter what.
"Shawn…" Bret kissed the side of his neck. "I love you…I love you so much."
"Don't…don't make me feel anything…" Its annoying that voice, comforting me… I don't want to be comforted. I don't want to feel… I'm tired…so tired of this… lips on my neck, sucking my pulse…
"I love you…" Bret moved to nip at his ear, sliding his hands underneath Shawn's shirt feeling his warm flesh. "I think you love me too."
I should fight back… I should push it away…ignore the annoying itch but I can't… I cant move… I cant feel… or do I feel? Am I feeling?
Bret was already on his last button. He slowly slid the shirt off of Shawn's shoulders watching it fall to reveal delicate skin he hadn't tasted in years. He groaned. Just looking at Shawn's body was enough to turn anyone on. Bret eased closer to the blonde pressing his body against him. He kissed his shoulder, running his hands up and down his bare arms. "I know you're ignoring me and I know you're trying to fight it but I wish you wouldn't." He licked at Shawn's neck but still no response. Bret chuckled. "Stubborn. Still so very stubborn but I know you feel it otherwise you wouldn't be so upset. Don't be that way Shawn. Let me love you."
Voice…that voice…voice I love…voice I hate… hate it… so annoying…
"Let me in Shawn," he whispered, biting his neck. "Open your mind, body, and soul and let me take back what is mine."
Voice… comforting… tempting… feeling… what is this feeling?
"I want you Shawn." Bret's hands moved around Shawn's waist and went to work unfastening his jeans. "Let me…touch you the way that I used to…" Bret slid his hand inside Shawn's pants clasping his member.
Shawn gasped. Feeling… warmth… I'm not alone… need to be held but not by him… never him… "No," he gasped. Then Bret squeezed his cock harder, his warm hand almost bringing Shawn to his knees.
"No more fighting," he whispered, licking all around the crying blonde's neck, stroking his cock and all the while ignoring his weak protests. He bit down into Shawn's neck making him whimper. Shawn wriggled to get away but Bret held him tighter, stroking him faster and harder. "You want this Shawn… You need this so stop fighting me…"
I can't…I won't… but I feel…and it feels good but its wrong… "I can't…"
"Yes, you can."
The eternal battle loomed on and before he realized it, he was being carried across the room and onto the bed. "No…No…" Bret peeled Shawn's jeans off and quickly knelt before him taking him into his mouth. "Ahh…" Feeling. He could feel the warmth and it was all he could do not to start thrusting his hips forward. Bret sucked hard on his cock, the suction so strong that Shawn practically choked. His heartbreaking sobs were being replaced with half cries of sheer pleasure; a pleasure that was creeping through his entire body like an electric current.
"Cum for me Shawny…cum for me baby…" Shawn gripped the sheets tightly crying in sheer pleasure. His body shuddered so that Bret feared he wouldn't make it. Bret slowly unbuttoned the rest of his shirt, his eyes filled with a hunger he thought was long gone. Shawn's eyes were still clouded with precipitation but they were no longer held that cold, empty darkness. Bret dropped his pants then moved slowly over Shawn's body, parting his legs. He leaned in for a kiss but Shawn turned his head. Bret only smiled as he kissed his cheek, letting his hands travel down his sides. "Shawn…baby look me."
Shawn slowly turned his head meeting Bret's intense gaze. His lips were immediately taken for a head reeling kiss. He fought it. He fought it like there was no tomorrow but that voice…
"Give into me," he murmured. "Stop fighting and just give in…" Bret suddenly thrust inside him drawing a muffled scream out of the blonde. It was a mixture of pain and intense pleasure as Bret nailed his prostate with every thrust. Shawn gripped Bret tightly, his nails digging deep into his skin as he cried softly. "It's okay… I love you… God I missed being inside you." Bret drove deeper inside of him eliciting more soft whimpers that made his body shudder with pleasure. "So sweet…you sound so sweet and you're mine…my Shawn…my princess…" Shawn's muscles tightened around Bret sending both of them straight to climax. Bret exploded inside of Shawn's tight heat, collapsing on top of him spent. After a minute he finally willed himself to pull out. He rolled over grabbing Shawn pulling him against his chest. Shawn didn't fight or say anything. He just allowed Bret to hold him which in turn, made Bret smile.
"I love you so much princess," he said softly, kissing the top of his head. "I know John's gone but it's his lost. You're a jewel baby. It took me 12 years to realize what I lost but I'm here to stay. I'll never leave you again." He kissed his cheek one last time then closed his eyes, drifting off into a deep sleep; never realizing that the man next to him was shedding silent tears. It was like that for a long time before an emotionally spent Shawn drifted off to sleep; his heart and soul more troubled than ever before.
~**~**~
"So what do you think John wants?" Adam asked. He and Randy were at Dave's house in the SC. Dave had a huge game room and they were setting up for a long day of poker and hold 'em.
"I don't know," Dave answered. "Why are you assuming something's wrong? What's wrong with a little midday poker?" He set the cooler full of beers near the card table then he heard the ring of his bell. "Ahh must be him now."
"I'll get it," Adam said eagerly running for the door. He pulled the door open with a wide, mischievous grin on his face. "John. How I've missed you!"
John rolled his eyes, pulling off his hat. "Whatever hot shot. Am I allowed in or not? I'm in the mood to take people's money – especially yours."
"Wow. Fine grouch. Come on in." He moved to let the larger man pass him frowning as he walked by. John was missing something very important but he decided to wait and bring it up at the table.
"Hey Dave…Randy," John nodded. He took a seat in his usual chair followed shortly by the others.
"I'm dealing first," Adam grinned. "I get the feeling today's going to be my lucky day."
"Oh come off it Adam. John always kicks your ass and you know it," Randy retorted.
"Tch…Randy you're the worst boyfriend ever. You're supposed to be on my side."
"And what makes you think you're the perfect boyfriend?" Dave teased. "You stay in trouble because of your big mouth and Randy's always having to bail you out."
"Shut up!" Adam huffed. He shuffled the deck and started passing out cards mumbling obscenities under his breath.
"Aww…is Adam pissed off?" John teased. "You have no reason to be pissed. Randy's still with you so the way I see it, you got it made; a boyfriend who doesn't care how many bad qualities you have." Both Dave and Randy snickered at this but Adam seemed genuinely angry.
"Oh. So you think that's funny huh?"
"Yeah we do," Randy laughed. "But you know I love you so don't take it so seriously babes."
"Yeah well its not like I'm the only one who stays in trouble a lot. Seems to me that another certain blonde stays in a heck of a lot more trouble than me," he hinted, sorting through his hand. John shot him an angry glare but chose not to respond. He wasn't in the mood to fight. In fact, his entire reason for being here was to hang out with friends and forget about Shawn but Adam wasn't making it easy.
"Adam let it go," Dave replied. "We're here to have fun. Not to tally up all the times our lovers have gotten into trouble. Besides, sometimes it's not entirely their fault."
"Whatever man," Adam grumbled. "Take up for the blonde that everybody has a thing for."
"Adam stop it," Randy warned. "You're trying to pick a fight with John that's totally unnecessary. I realize that you do it every time we play poker but give the man a break."
"It's alright Randy," John said finally. "I can speak up for myself and for your information Mr. Punching Bag for a Deadman, Shawn and I aren't seeing each other anymore."
Gasps, cards falling, sputtering, and incoherent sentences as they all tried speaking at once. John quickly held up his hand hating that he let the words slip from his mouth. He wasn't planning on saying anything – at least not to them. The only people that knew were Mark and Chris. He was relying on them to explain it to everyone when they asked but it was too late. He sighed. "Yes. Shawn and I are through. No, he didn't leave me. I left him and before you ask it wasn't anything personal. I loved him and he loved me but I'm just not good enough for him."
All the guys remained eerily silent just staring back and forth between one another. None of them figured Shawn and John would last. It was just too weird seeing them together. None of them ever believed John was good enough for Shawn. At the same time, John was the stupidest person in the world right now. Shawn was everybody's dream man. For Shawn to choose John over the likes of Hunter, Chris and Cena made John the single luckiest son of a bitch in the world so why give that up?
Dave was the first to break the silence. He looked over at John, frowning slightly. "You're pulling my leg right? I just know you're fucking with me."
John rolled his eyes. He expected that kind of reaction and unfortunately for Dave and the others, he was serious. He shook his head. "I'm not kidding. Just ask Chris…and Mark."
"Wait a second, Mark knows?" Adam exclaimed.
"Yeah he knows. I told him before I told anyone else."
"So how come we didn't hear about this?" Randy asked, still trying to grasp the bit of info. "News usually travels fast in our line of work so forgive me if I'm not so quick to believe you. Shawn…where is Shawn? How did he take this? I'm sure it wasn't good so why aren't you somewhere hiding from Hunter…" Randy's voice trailed off and he looked at Adam, his face wearing a grim expression.
"You…are you hiding from Hunter?" Adam asked, a bit of panic in his voice. "John, tell me this is all a ploy to get back at me for earlier. I mean, I'm sorry for taking shots at Shawn. You know I've always been jealous of him and the attention he gets but this isn't funny anymore."
John remained silent for several long seconds. He dropped the cards in his hand and reached for a beer. He stared at the can well aware of the eyes boring into him from around the table. Finally, he managed to clear his throat and began speaking softly. "I always knew I'd pay for all the bad things I've done in my life. The beating I took from Hunter was nothing compared to how I felt when I walked out that door leaving him behind. But I had to. He deserves someone better than me. He deserves to be with someone who loves him just as much he loves them. That better man…is Bret," he managed before bringing the can to his lips drinking the cool, comforting substance that he hadn't touched in months.
"John…man have you finally lost it?" Adam asked. "You think Bret – as in Bret Hart – you think he's the better man? He and Shawn haven't spoken in years let alone laid eyes on each other so I highly doubt—
"Bret's in Stamford with Shawn," John answered. All the guys looked at John, their faces twisted in confusion. "God you guys are always last to know everything!" he snapped irritably. "Look, the rock star himself decided that it was a good idea to interview Shawn and Bret about Montreal so that's where they are now; in some small room at headquarters reliving their past."
"And you let him go through with it?" Randy asked incredulously.
"Let…" John scoffed. "I pushed him to do it."
"Oh my God John. What the hell? What made you do a stupid thing like that?" Adam asked.
John merely shrugged. "It was for his own good."
"You know John, I'm not one for getting into other people's business but right now I'm really wanting to slap you something silly. What the hell were you thinking?"
"I'm just doing what's right by him."
"No, you're just punking out," Adam answered.
"And you're starting to sound like a few other guys I know," Dave said coldly. "Doing what's best for Shawn huh? I thought we settled this the night you got your ass kicked."
"Dave…" John warned but he was cut off.
"No. Dude I don't want to hear anymore of this because it's stupid. You sent your boyfriend to reminisce with his first love and for what? Because you felt like it was for his own good? Did we not just establish a few months ago that Shawn needs to make his own decisions?"
"And that's what I'm doing," John reasoned. "I'm backing away so he can make a decision."
"Looks more like running to me," Randy snorted.
"I'm not running. You guys just don't understand."
"Yes we do," Adam answered. "Trust me. We know. We can see it in your eyes. You're running away because you're afraid of losing."
"I'm NOT afraid of losing to him," he yelled. "I just…know Bret's going to win in the end so I'm ending the fight before it starts."
"Oh my God John! What the hell?" Randy shook his head. "You're killing me man. What makes you think Bret's the better man?"
"You all aren't stupid," John spat. "You knew what was going on with me Shawn. You saw the bruises, the black eyes, the scars…" His throat knotted up and he shut his mouth for fear of crying. He didn't want to cry in front of them. Not now not ever. He grabbed another beer and went to town on it while his friends watched him in silence, each one trying to wrap their heads around the situation. After a while, Adam couldn't stay quiet anymore. This was not the John he knew and he was going to get to the bottom of this.
"Just…out of curiosity, why exactly did you push Shawn to do the interview in the first place? Certainly not to send him off to be with Bret."
"No…I just felt like they had some unfinished business." He sighed. "Part of the reason he took that deal to begin with was because he feared for Bret's life…"
"Ok. So…so since I'm pretty much a slave for the next five months – give or take –you're going to take care of your slave's basic needs."
"That's right."
"And there's this small chance I won't have to continue to take shit from you for five months."
"Slim chance, but a chance none the less," he shrugged.
"Right. So on the surface it seems like one hell of a deal. The papers…everything looks fine to me but you…," he sighed shaking his head. "I just don't know how I feel about… You tell me that I have to devote myself to you but how much John? How far are you going to take this whole 'male companion' thing as you call it? What kind of horrors do I need to expect?"
"Well you'll just have to take the deal and find out but before you say no, ask yourself this? Is your mother really worth it? Is your lifelong dream of helping those poor, homeless kids really worth it? Or your life…Bret's life…is it…"
"ALRIGHT!" Shawn snapped. "You've made your point."
"He signed those papers without even a second thought," John finished.
"So that made you think he still loved Bret?" Dave asked.
"Yeah it did and when he came back from the first interview session, it was written all over his face. Something happened between the two of them and it's got him feeling uneasy."
"So what? He's still your man!" Adam exclaimed.
"Yeah well he kissed him back."
"Come again?"
"Bret kissed him and Shawn kissed him back. Apparently Bret still loves him and wants him back."
"And you're just going to give him what he wants?" Adam exclaimed furiously. "No. No way. John…I can't even stand to look at you right now," Adam said coldly.
"I know you aren't harpin' on me hot shot. Were you not one of the ones that raped him a few months ago?"
"Yeah but I've been paying for it everyday," Adam snapped back. "I feel terrible about it and when I saw how you looked at him…carried him out the room that night, I cried for several nights. I knew then that you cared for him just like you care for him now. You love him to death. You love him so much that you don't even realize how much you've changed for the better."
"But my happiness means nothing to me right now Adam!" he snapped back. Slamming his hands on the table, he stood to his feet glaring angrily at all three of them. "Now you listen to me. You're right. I have changed. When Shawn came into my life, he taught me to care about others more than myself. He made me feel worth loving and in turn I fell in love with him. He promised to make me happy and he has yet to let me down and asks for nothing in return. All the days we've been together I have been trying to figure out a way to insure his happiness and when he came in from that interview today, I just knew it wasn't over between him and Bret. I don't know Bret at all but he must have been something special if Shawn loved him enough to put up with the shit I put him through. Now you say I'm running and you say I'm a coward? I am none of those things. If anything I am crazy in love with the world's most perfect man and I'm giving him a chance to grow old with the one he truly loves. That man can't possibly be me and you know it. I'm just JBL. The rich, stuck-up stock broker that everyone hates. No one would dare deem me worthy of love. I couldn't possibly be good enough for Shawn."
John put on his hat and exited the room without another word. He waited until he was in the back of his limo before allowing his clouded eyes to spill over with tears. It's for his happiness… Just like he did for me… And he cried for a long time until he fell asleep, thinking only of the blonde he loved so much.
~xx~
"There are three kinds of love, - unselfish, mutual, and selfish. The unselfish love is of the highest kind. The lover only minds the welfare of the beloved and does not care for his own sufferings. In mutual love the lover not only wants the happiness of his beloved but has an eye towards his own happiness also. It is middling. The selfish love is the lowest. It only looks towards its own happiness, no matter whether the beloved suffers weal or woe." ~ Ramakrishna
AN:Whew! Yeah, you know it. Pain in the ass and Shawn was not making this easy. Wasn't wanting to cooperate at all and then I was drawing a blank because my ending keeps changing. Not the winner but the actual situation leading up to the ending. Gahh...I'm ready to finish this one up. LOL
I got a couple of people requesting Shawn/Bret OSTs for HBKronicles. I can't do any Shawn and Bret's until I finish this story. Otherwise I'd be glad to do some. So for now, Im avoiding Bret like the plague and he knows it. Think that's all. Will probably be a long time before this gets updated again but it cant be helped.
DK, if I start a Matt Hardy story I'm blaming YOU! Matt muse is kicking my brain for a story and you won't believe who he wants. Sheesh. I'll grant him his wish later. WF4, you know I wuvs you :D vadg...chisato, I know you're hurting right now but I'm trying. Jibble's not making this easy either. And guess what? I love Mike Adamle. I love him with Randy Orton and I hope the internet rumors are right about him being the guest host of Raw soon. I will squeal like the crazy fangirl I am if he and Randy have a moment. Yes, I like 'Radamle' and if you don't then you're missing out.
Thanks to ALL of you who reviewed the last chapter. I do check the reviews and I appreciate every one. They motivate me to keep crying over this fic but as long as you like it then it's worth it. Love to all of you!
FYI: I think you should read the following:
Despise by vadg - The most beautifully written Shawn and JBL fic I've ever read. I am picky about JBL now but he's done so well and so is my Shawny that...Gah. So sweet!
In A Gadda Da Vidda by wrestlefan4 - The title made me laugh until I read the actual text. It stars Chris, Christian, Adam, The Hardyz and many, many more. Very emotional read but it's very, very good. It's so gripping and reads like a movie.
A Melding of Bodies and a Mending of Hearts by Dark Kaneanite & wrestlefan4 - Two of the most amazing writers on the internet period. I've got to go back and review the chapters I've read but Matt Hardy and Chris Jericho are just another guilty pleasure to add to my long list of guilty pleasures. READ THIS FIC. You'll love it! Read all three of them. I promise you will enjoy them.