Prompted by a 'trial of the heart' sort of situation from an RP thread.
Albus goes through a form of personal psychological Hell, and this is how it could have been prior to his findings on Dominus's true nature.
It was hazy that morning, the sun hiding behind the clouds and refusing to come out . 'Not the best way to start the day,' he thought. Gloomy days always brought his mood down. Albus liked the sun, for what little he did get to see of it - and he hadn't really noticed how bad it was when he was told directly that he could be quite the sour puss on rainy days. 'As long as it doesn't rain.'
Another glance at the sky and he considered that the position of the faint light behind the clouds was a bit high. He grabbed for his pocket watch on the bedside table and flipped open the cover - oh Hell he had slept in! Grumbling to himself inaudibly, he went about his normal morning routine, feeling his heart sink even further.
And then while rinsing his face and drying it, his thoughts turned to his anxiety regarding getting wet - there wasn't a lot that he could recall, just fragments where he and another of the boys from his orphanage had struggled for their lives in raging waters - where it was and what was going on was lost to him - but he could hear their adolescent cries and could feel the harsh chill of the water again… the other boy hadn't survived and he himself had succumbed to the dark oblivion of the water as well - awakening after being revived by someone who had saved him.
'What the hell…' Albus paused and looked at himself in the mirror, frowning profusely as he admonished himself for conjuring up that old memory that he had previous thought to have tucked away and out of mind.
Ready for the day, after a few shaving knicks, fighting with severe knots in his hair, having found his clothes rather rumpled, shoes scuffed and his armor in shoddy shape, he sighed rather dejectedly and exited his room. Or he would have if his combat partner hadn't been blocking his way into the hall once he opened the door.
"The master is waiting." The raven-haired woman before him, with her arms folded lightly and had assumed a stance that matched her expression that looked less-than-impressed. At least that part was normal about today.
'Of course the master was waiting. The master is always waiting.' He shook his head, gave a light eye roll and stepped into the hallway. "Indeed. I have been granted the indulgence of looking over the tomes today."
It was a big of a brag, as they were both gunning for the honour of bearing their order's greatest weapon - Albus wanting it even more as he didn't wish for his dear little Shanoa to harm herself in any way. But no, that woman insisted on becoming a warrior - didn't go the safe scholar route - and tended to worry him sick whenever she went on away missions.
Circling an arm around her waist as they walked down the hall, the gesture was meant to be in jest and to annoy her. Frowning visibly, she turned her attention to the hand on her hip and slapped at it rather hard, causing him to withdraw the hand and attempt to shake out the stinging sensation. He grinned mischievously as he put the hand to his mouth for a moment nudging her shoulder with his elbow.
But she did not return the smile like she normally would have. Instead she stopped fully and pointed directly into his face.
"The honour of bearer is going to fall to me, Albus." She suddenly said rather pointedly. "Me. Not you. You can't even channel a simple Ignis glyph through your body - what makes you think you can wield even one piece of Dominus." It wasn't a question, so much as it was a statement and a put down at the same time. All he could do was look at her, dumbstruck by her sudden hostility. "I will win the day. I don't need you, or anyone to do it for me." She continued, her eyes cold and distant as her stare bore into his very soul.
In a whirl of black and blue, she spun on a heel and trudged down the corridor, leaving the Chief Researcher alone with his thoughts. What had he done wrong now? They'd had their share of disagreements, sure, and they had often playfully joked about beating the other to the honour, but it had always been relatively straightforward and without any hard feelings. Had it not? The worst she would do in such a case would lecture him on being reckless and insist that she take his place - never did she stoop to insult him. He knew he could be a bit overbearing with his protectiveness, but she didn't seem to mind - and she knew full well she could challenge his stubbornness on the matter at any time without repercussions.
…What the hell was going on today? There was no time to track her down and try to get some answers from her - once she cooled off, they would be able to talk like civilized human beings again. But now he had to report to Master Barlowe.
Ascending the stairs to the Master's study he passed the room that gave off an incredible aura, slowing his steps as he did, feeling the books of Dominus reach out with their power and pull at his psyche just enough, as if it were greeting him hello. Smiling to himself, he quickened his pace and was soon bade entry to the study by the silver-haired elderly man in green robes that he had come to look up to as a mentor and a sort of father figure, Master Barlowe. Yet Shanoa was there too. Wait… what was going on?
"I have decided on the bearer." Barlowe stated simply, one hand clutching his spell tome that he was rarely ever seen without. "Albus I thank you for your diligence, but you are being removed from the project."
A moment of disbelief passed before he furrowed his brow and incredulously asked "What?! I've worked so hard for this! For you!"
"For me?" Barlowe's expression shifted to dark amusement - something that was far different from his usual stoic features. "No, dear boy, you've been doing it for yourself all along. Your selfishness has cost what you desire." The master strode around behind Shanoa, who also stood with a similar bemused look, and placed his free hand on one of her shoulders before continuing to address his male pupil. "And so this selfless young lady will become the bearer. She knows all about self sacrifice and the greater good."
Such admonishment… from the two people he had actually let into his heart, actually trusted - both of them so coldly jabbing him at the very places that were weak spots within him. Why? What had he done wrong?
"Master, please, reconsider. I have more work to do on handling glyphs, yes, but as far as Dominus is concerned - "
"It concerns you no longer, Albus. You are dismissed."
"I still have some theories to iron out on it -" He started to say but was harshly cut off.
"I said you are dismissed!" Barlowe's voice had raised quite loud, his lecturing tone that Albus had only ever heard a scant few times in his younger days.
"-Dominus might HARM the bearer!" Growing desperate he had practically roared over the latter bit of his second dismissal, causing everyone in the room to fall into wide-eyed silence.
"The needs of the many…" Barlowe murmured, turning his back on both of his pupils momentarily.
"Outweigh the needs of the few," Shanoa finished in a cool tone, her expression having become a rather dark smirk. "Albus, how selfish of you. Really. Not only do you want the honour for yourself, you would deny me, your closest kin, the honour as well? How arrogant."
"Arrogant?" He choked on the word, failing in his attempts to not give into his disbelief. "I am here to serve the light - to save mankind from the darkness - and if I cannot even protect one life, Shanoa, then what is the point?"
"That would be noble," Barlowe interjected, arm crossing, and a hand moving to his chin in thought. "If you actually believed it - you have chosen to throw away the world for the sake of a single person - all of us are ready to die for our cause, Albus. Your lack of acceptance on this matter skirts you ever closer to heresy."
"You. Are calling me a heretic?!" This was almost too much. He raked a hand through his hair, and started with a more wild-eyed disbelief at his kinsmen. "I have given my life to this order and to its cause - and my will to protect everyone, including other order members from being harmed should be a testament of my conviction-"
Suddenly he froze, unable to move. What had happened? His eyes, the only thing that could move, shifted downward and he noticed a trail of ice that led towards him, with Barlowe's spell tome discarded on the ground. The sly old devil had used Glacius on him while he had been distracted with voicing his concerns.
"Unfortunate, but it cannot be helped." Barlowe approached the ice crystal containing his upstart pupil. "We of this order carry such a burden, giving our servitude, our very lives, that man might live his dreams. And our able bearer is the pinnacle of this aim. -You will be confined to your quarters until you can accept my decision - one that is for the greater good, not selfish desires. I had thought better of you, Albus. You disappoint me."
And then everything went black…
Jolting awake, he found he was back in his room. Putting a hand to his forehead he sighed and stared up at the canopy of his lavish four-post bed.
"Finally." Shanoa's voice sounded, and he looked over to watch her cross from the sitting area. Though she was not at all concerned or even relieved. Rather, she had a grin about her like a cat that had swallowed a canary. "So. Would you like to touch the bearer?" She asked as she sat on the edge of his bed, her tone not at all in any way sensual or sultry - it was mocking and hurtful. "See what a real champion feels like?"
Albus furrowed his brow, confused for a moment at her crass behaviour, before he gave her a rather disgusted look and loudly told her to 'get the hell out!'. A low chuckle elicited from her as she reached to poke his nose with a fingertip before she got up and moved to leave him be.
Turning to one side he curling up in to fetal position and let out a long sigh, and a bit of a huff that one gives when trying not to cry. All that he had worked for, had endured, even working with and through his shortcomings… it all felt so useless and hopeless. If it was all going to turn out like this despite all his efforts, then what the hell was the point of even having tried to begin with. It wasn't fair… not fair… and the numb feeling in the very depths of his soul was starting to spread.
What was the point? What was his life worth? What was he supposed to do now? Anyone else would have said 'find a new dream'… with him it wasn't that simple. He was skilled in ways that not many others were - granted not in the right ways to bear Dominus it seemed, but he had intelligence, loyalty and compassion to offer… but in recent years the latter two had been tucked away deep within him for having his kindness stepped on so many times in his past had embittered him towards people that didn't 'make the cut' as it were.
He still cared about humanity as a whole - still wished to fight the darkness that plagued mankind so that innocents could look to the dawn without fear. But up close and personal he just could not be bothered with anyone not of academia or of like-minded pursuits to aid their kind.
And the one soul closest to him, the one soul who had stood by him despite all his faults and his issues, and was the source of him becoming overbearing with his protection of them and the core reason he was obsessed with becoming the bearer… was her.
Maybe… Shanoa and Master Barlowe were right. He was selfish, and he would damn mankind just to save his special one. … No that wasn't quite right. To truly care for someone, he was so sure you would give up everything to see them happy - so if he did bear Dominus in her stead, she would not be saddled with the burden and could go on to perhaps live a long and happy life - and she was in a better position than he to have a family and know happiness outside of a life of conflict and fear/
That is what he would give his life for - so that she, and the rest of humanity, could happily bask in the warmth of the sun and not fear what lurked in the shadows. He curled tighter into himself, fingers digging into the fabric of his shirt sleeves. Doubt was settling in with a tight and icy grip. He had been so sure of the matters of his heart for some time now - why the sudden regret?
So he had failed. Fine. Time to cry and pout and rage and get it out of his system, and get over it. He could still provide support to the named bearer. They were, hopefully, still combat partners. And he would assist their greatest weapon as best he could.
But first he would have to apologize to a couple of people.
Wearily he hauled himself up out of his bed and made the near-endless trek to the Master's study again, politely knocking on the door and swallowing his pride as he announced his presence and stated that he had come to apologize for his behaviour . Albus tended to carry himself in such a way that he usually thought before he acted and so his actions were justifiable in the end. Apologizing for something without meaning - as in only doing it to smooth ruffled feathers at the cost of his own pride - was not his favourite thing to do.
So yes, today was definitely the worst day of his life. And was proven so even more so moments later.
He had let himself into the Master's study after there had been a muffled noise and then deathly silence - followed by the pull of Dominus' aura again… and what he saw before him caused something to shatter and break into irreparable pieces.
Master Barlowe was nowhere to be found, and Shanoa's lifeless body lay on the ground - the three pieces of their Order's greatest power hovering over her. He fell to his knees at her side; his eyes wide, mouth agape, body and emotions otherwise numb as he took in the sight before him, his worst fear come true, and fought with registering it in his mind.
'No… Shanoa… ' He reached to brush her bangs from her eyes, reflecting on how he had failed to save even one life… and that one life had been the most important one in his eyes. Hand shaking, he gathered her into his arms and held her cold form close, his eyes stinging as they welled up with tears - though he just sat there, clutching her close and staring across the room in mute shock with tears streaming down his face. He didn't know how long he sat there until he felt a sensation of a warm arm curling across his shoulders. Yes, that was right. Dominus was still there, and was now his to command.
Never in a million years would he have wanted to inherit it in such a way - he had been prepared to swallow his pride and continue to support his dearest one in her becoming the bearer - he had been prepared to shift and adapt his role to continue to protect her even if she were to become the blade to banish all evil and would likely burn herself out with the task - but he had intended to stand with her through all that. But it was too late… she was already gone - he didn't know how… but… that was of little consequence now. What mattered was using Dominus and achieving their life goal.
Gently, Albus set Shanoa back down on the floor, arranging her arms in a traditional funeral manner and pressed a kiss to her forehead in farewell. Wiping a sleeve across his eyes, he then stood tall and looked to the three hovering sigils of power, two green and one red.
Drawing them directly towards him and focusing their access point to his forehead, he grimaced when the power coursed through him. 'It's working… I CAN FEEL IT!' It was agonizing - it burned with such fervour but the pain in his body was nothing compared to the anguish he felt in his heart. …Anguish that began to diminish the longer he focused on what he was going to do with his newfound powers.
As the new bearer, he would avenge his fallen comrade - and anything and everything that stood to harm humanity would pay - would feel his wrath and righteousness! His world had just lost its light - but he would fight through the night itself to bring light and hope to mankind in her stead. She would have wanted it that way. ….But what was her name, again? It had slipped his mind momentarily, but in the grand scheme of things, it wouldn't really matter. He would have to cast off his old life to be able to carry out such a mission. And it wouldn't matter who, or what, stood in his way. He would step over anyone and everyone to eradicate all forces of darkness, and none would stop him as long as he drew breath. If he died in battle, so be it. He felt no remorse on the matter. Nor did he feel anything anymore.
'And now, my wish will be…'
Yes… Dominus would make it all… go away…