Disclaimer: See Prologue

A/N: These lines were improvised and I will say that it was a lot of fun to do too.

Harry stared down at the photograph of Peter and his father sitting opposite woman who was blatantly not his mother. For one, she had a bottle blonde perm and perhaps most obviously, she was twice his age and wearing a red silk blouse and leather trousers that wouldn't have looked out of place in the sort of magazine he would never admit to even glancing at through a shop window.

"Who's that?"

His father laughed and the blonde collapsed back in her chair.

Lupin took a deep breath. "That's Nancy."

1979

December 3rd

Nancy Clarke, despite her age, possessed what one might suggest was a tremendous body. Only four months spent in the company of a man twenty years her junior had produced remarkable changes. Most prominently, she no longer looked like Margaret Thatcher. She had also lost thirty-five pounds and permed her hair, dying it a peroxide blonde to offset her sea green eyes magnificently.

Most importantly, at this moment in time, she was wearing expensive underwear that made her feel like she was sex on legs. And with blonde hair, aqua eyes and black lace underwear - she was. In fact, if one had questioned Remus Lupin - assuming that he still retained the capability to speak - he would say that he had died and gone to heaven.

And as pleasantly surprising as finding one's girlfriend scantily clad and waiting in one's bed was, he was also terrified because this woman had never before seen him naked. Never before had she laid eyes on his scarred body and she had thrown him in the deep end when he did not have a well rehearsed lie to hand.

When faced with such terror, he acted as though he was the hero of a Jane Austen novel. "Good evening."

Nancy smiled, her eyes glinting. "I certainly hope it will be."

Lupin cleared his throat. "Um…yes. Listen, I'll just um…I will go and ask Sirius to go out for a while. Why don't you…um…make yourself comfortable?"

He closed the door behind him and finally exhaled. Without knocking, he pushed open Sirius' door and grabbed him by the shoulders, hissing, "What the fuck am I going to do?"

Sirius' eyes were wide. "What? What's happened? Are you alright?" One glance at Lupin's black eyes, wide with terror told him that this was a very stupid question indeed. "Okay. Remus, what's gone on?"

Lupin's hands shook. "There is a woman in my bed wearing very sexy underwear and wanting to have sex with me. What the hell do I say?"

Sirius blinked twice. "A quick 'thank you, God' seems appropriate."

Lupin hissed and threw off his phoenix jumper. The worn and purple scars wove intricately around his torso. "I'm talking about these."

Sirius took a long drag of his cigarette. "Well, Remus, there's only one thing you can say. You were mauled by a bear while hunting on the Appalachian Trail."

Lupin rolled his eyes. "I'm serious."

"So am I, Moony. So am I." Sirius shrugged. "It's all I've got. I'd believe it."

"What the hell happened to you?"

Lupin hurriedly cast off his jeans and practically leapt into bed. "I didn't give them to myself."

Lie number one.

Nancy frowned. "I wasn't suggesting you were some disaffected youth. What happened?"

Lupin sucked in a breath. "I have this obsession with animals that are out to kill me," He couldn't believe he was saying this. "I was out with some friends - people I knew before Sirius and those - and um…I was attacked by a bear, basically."

Lie number two.

Nancy's jaw dropped open. "Let me see properly."

"You can barely make them out, Nance. There's no point."

Lie number three.

"In fact, why don't we just go to sleep?" He leant over and switched the light off. "Goodnight."

Immediately, Nancy flicked the switch. "Sit up." Lupin did so. "Uncross your arms." She gave his chest the once over and pursed her lips. "Is that it? You thought I wouldn't fancy you because you've got a few bloody scars? Remus, I'm actually quite concerned because I think I'm falling in love with you, so get used to it, stop talking bollocks and get down to business because you owe me and frankly, these knickers are designer and I won't have them going to waste."

Remus Lupin was quite concerned himself. After that little speech, he just might be falling for her too. "Yes, Ma'am."

December 4th

"How big?" asked James.

Nancy hiccoughed. "Big," she assured him. "My ex-husband's was like this." She made a gesture, creating a space between her fingers that was approximately five centimetres long. James frowned and handed her another glass of Firewhiskey.

"So that puts Moony at about three inches then. What was it like?"

Peter smirked. "Was he any good?"

Nancy downed the glass. "Any good? It was fantastic." She hiccoughed again. "And he's not three inches."

"Two and a half then," said James, grinning, "Miss Pedantic 1978."

Peter nodded. "What does he say?" The smile he shared with James was almost sinister and Nancy would never have divulged this sort of information had they not given her obscene amounts of alcohol.

Nancy thought hard. "He didn't say anything. He just moaned a lot."

James laughed. "Yeah, sounds like Moony, alright. He's the biggest whiner we know." He frowned slightly. "Have you got a name for him in bed?"

Nancy shook her head. "Why? Do you think I should have one?"

Peter nodded, "I'll help. I'm good at nicknames."

James frowned. "Pete, I really don't think you should be giving your best mate a sex nickname, I really don't."

Peter scoffed. "From the man who wants to know what he says at orgasm so he can shout it during Order meetings." Peter thought for a moment. "I don't think I have one for him."

"Well," said James, "what do you call your boyfriends?"

"By their names," answered Peter. "Despite what everyone seems to think about gay men, we don't all dress up as The Village People and call each other 'big boy'." He raised his eyebrows. "What do you call Lily?"

James shrugged. "Lily. Why? What do you call her?"

Peter rolled his eyes. "Give us some juicy details," he said to Nancy. "Come on. It'll help."

"Yes," said James, "get you off."

Peter elbowed him. "Shut it, Potter." He turned back to Nancy. "Does he have any odd quirks?"

Nancy laughed. "Well, he has this thing for stockings. He made me keep them on all night."

Peter and James raised their eyebrows. "Wow," murmured Peter. "I really didn't think Moony was the type to have a fetish."

James shrugged. "At least it's not for feet."

CLICK!

Lupin kissed Nancy's cheek. "You okay?" He tried to make eye contact and found her eyes bloodshot. He sighed irritably and turned to James. "What have you given her?"

James gawped. "Me?"

"Peter and I were just trying to give you a sexy nickname," Nancy told him.

Lupin frowned and Peter developed a sudden interest in the state of the ceiling. Either that or he was praying to be spared Lupin's wrath. "Yes, well, I should be getting back. Big Boy's just bought an Indian headdress and I don't want to miss it."

Only James laughed.