Disclaimer: See Prologue

A/N: I am having so much fun with these. Oh and by the way, virtual cookies and a chapter request for anyone who can tell me the irony in Snoep's name.

Harry frowned. "That is…really rather worrying."

Sirius scoffed. "Every bloke does it."

"I don't!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh, you always say that. I don't bully people. I don't find it funny. I don't interrogate my friends on their sexual prowess."

Lupin raised an eyebrow. "I hope you don't take offence when I tell you that you are quite possibly the worst godfather in existence." He handed Harry another photograph, this time of Sirius and an extraordinarily ugly girl wearing far too much make-up and far too little clothing. They ate candyfloss together and sat on the teacups. She appeared to be sensationally bored. "Amsterdam," said Lupin, smiling fondly.

1979

"Relax, Cupcake. We're not going to have sex with her. Pete, go and ask her over."

Peter, looking as though all his Christmasses had come at once, did as he was told, winking at Sirius who smiled and turned to Lupin.

"Well what the hell are we going to do with her then?"

"All in good time, mon frère; all in good time."

The girl strolled over on Peter's arm. She chewed constantly and seemed to be in a state of perpetual motion. She rocked back and forth, switched her weight from right to left leg and nodded in a manner reminiscent of Remus in a Gedoogbeleid. James stared in wonder, mentally listing the diseases he could catch from this girl, up to and including Spattergroit.

"Um…wat is uw naam?"

Lupin frowned. "Peter, that's just an English question in a Dutch accent. It's not really very helpful."

"Carlein," she replied, "marr je kunt me altijd mij Snoep."

Sirius gasped. "What did she just call me?"

Lupin sighed and folded his arms. The inner teacher had emerged. "She says you can call her Snoep."

"Snape?" James repeated, earning himself a withering glance. "She's Snape?"

"Shut up," said Lupin. He headed towards her and took hold of her. "Het spijt me."

Carlein - or Snoep - sighed irritably. "You are Dutch appalling. I speak English. You please speak it to me. You kill my language."

Sirius laughed so hard that he almost cried. "Yeah, Moony. Murderer!"

Lupin blushed. "From the man who was bottled for asking a man to sleep with him."

Sirius scoffed. "Moony, stop living in the past." He took Snoep's arm and pulled her over. "Well, my dear, we don't want to use you for sex."

At this, she reverted to her own language and spurted a lot of Dutch awfully quickly and Lupin listened intently, trying to pick something up. "U betaalt mij. Ik zal worden betaald."

Lupin took hold of her and calmed her. "Miss, obviously we'll still pay you for your time. You have no need to worry about that."

Sirius nodded. "We were rather hoping you could teach Peter about it," he said, pushing Peter forward. "He's a bisexual."

Snoep frowned. "You sleep with men?"

Peter cleared his throat. "On occasion. I actually have a girlfriend at the moment and I really don't think she'd be happy about this so I'm going to opt out of sex education."

"This," said Sirius, "is James' last Wednesday as a free man. We're on his stag party."

Snoep finally smiled, nodding. "I know stags. I see. Wednesday is strange day for it." She smiled at them, her dark eyes twinkling. "What do you want me to do?"

It was only when she asked that they realised that they didn't particularly want her to do anything.

"Can I take photos?" asked Lupin rather nervously. " I suppose it makes you feel rather redundant."

Snoep nodded. "I go back to my corner." She smiled at them and waved, turning her back and heading towards the street corner opposite the green where she had glimpsed Sirius' practical joke. She avoided their eyes and looked up and down the street, waiting for her next opportunity.

"It's a horrible life," said Lupin, shuddering. "I mean, can you imagine? We could have been serial killers. We could have gang raped that girl, taken her money and slit her throat and I'll bet that no-one would look into it. I bet no-one would even notice she was gone."

Sirius stared at him, horrified. "Moony, that had better not be a bloody suggestion."

Lupin rolled his eyes. "You know damn well what I mean by it." He tried not to stare at her as his hands shook. "I wouldn't do it if it was the last choice between that and death."

James finally laughed. "No. No bugger would pay for it with you, that's why." He was still somewhat disconcerted, especially at the sight of a large group of very drunk men carrying a doll approaching the poor, smiling young girl. "Ask her over again. Tell her we'll pay her to just stay with us. I feel awful."

It was left to Sirius who - with a scar on his cheek and aristocratic features - looked as though he could handle himself, to disperse the crowd and pull her away. When he returned, Snoep did not appear too pleased to see them again.

"You don't want me. Why are you pull me back?"

Lupin smiled. "Well, Miss, we wondered if you wanted to um…be part of a stag night."

James grinned at her. "And not just any stag night; not the typical one."

Now she was intrigued. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well," said Sirius, "I was wondering if you'd come to the fair with me. I'll buy you some candyfloss and we'll go on the big wheel thingy."

Snoep shook her head. "Heights make my head go…um…how do you say it? Spin. My head to start spinning."

Sirius laughed and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "At least let me win you a toy and take you on the teacups."

And though Carlein was dubious, she was an exceptionally good sport. Her heavily lacquered hair was the only thing still in place as she and Peter hobbled off the ghost train, shaken and covered in cobwebs. After which, James thought it appropriate to buy her an ice cream to calm her nerves and take her on a ride whose name translated as 'Freak Out' which incidentally, was precisely what they both did as they were strapped in, much to Sirius' amusement.

By the time Lupin was through with her, his experience of fairgrounds while growing up and spending his summers at Devon fair week adding tremendously to his appeal, she was a skilled con-artist, knowing exactly how to cheat at hooping a prize and how to aim a rifle that had been tampered with so that it still shot true. Though as soon as the lesson was over, it was time for him to drag her onto his personal favourite, the token rollercoaster which looked as though it had been erected in the twenties and left to rot.

She tumbled off, tottering on her heels and feeling really very sick indeed while Lupin bounced behind her, grinning and pushing his hair back into place.

"Wasn't that incredible?"

She nodded. "Incredibly bad."

Sirius laughed. "Come on. Come and have some candy floss. There's nothing like sugar to calm you down, just ask Remus."

At first, she was grateful for the slow motion and shared her bright blue sugar with Sirius, but the teacups was a long ride and she had become accustomed to thrill and found she rather liked it.

CLICK!

Sirius rolled his eyes and soon led her off. "Right, where are we off to now then?"

James grinned. "Well, seeing as it's my stag night. Do you think maybe we could get a drink somewhere?"

Lupin groaned. "I know where this is going."

"Good idea, Prongs," said Sirius, grinning. "Come on, love. I'll buy you a drink."