A/N: Please bear with me for this story. Every so often we all have the itch we have to scratch, and this is mine. That being said, this story had nothing at all to do with the Pillow Talk theme and is straight up crack. But hopefully you'll get some laughs out of it.
For Athena's Wise Girl, who requested a Maiko chapter, hope your happy.
Avatar the Last AirbenderPillow Talk Chapter 12: The Great Cactus Juice Debacle
Zuko knew this was not the way he wanted the day to start. Planning for his wedding with Mai was expected to be a monumental day in the history of the Fire Nation, and knowing full well that the 100 years of war had left the world sorely mistrusting the once tyrannical empire meant that, with hope, this wedding would rebuild some of that peace between the nations. His closest advisors however questioned the motives of Zuko's timing as his wedding was scheduled for the three-year anniversary ending the war. To his aides it seemed self-serving, but for Zuko it somehow felt right that the celebration of peace should forever be remembered with a dedication of love.
Still, it had not stopped the endless bickering of his counsel, reminding him that other nations would see this as a means to take away from the bittersweet celebration marking the end of the war for his own declaration of self-importance. For all his patience, a strange adjective for himself considering his past, he could not convince them that this wedding was, yes, a symbol of love between himself and Mai, but also a wondrous opportunity to move beyond the pains of the past. And given that the war had ended on the Summer Solstice, the day that had historically been designated as the symbol for the Fire Nation, the pieces were all too perfect to pass.
Yet, the meeting had been exhausting, and when Zuko at last dismissed his advisors, telling them in no uncertain terms that the discussion was closed, he had not realized how completely exhausted he was. That was how he came to find himself in the royal kitchen, looking for food and drink to help placate his nerves before speaking to Mai about the possible need to postpone their wedding. Even though his servants made every attempt to accommodate his needs, at this time he just felt the desire to be alone with his thoughts.
At least that was his intent before her heard the muffled moans coming from the far side of the kitchen where stood the blue garbed warrior, his hands bound behind his back and his feet tied at the ankles, a large turkeyhen where his face should be. For a moment Zuko was alarmed by the thought that what truly startled him wasn't that Sokka had a turkey for a face, but that he had forgotten the Southern Water Tribe warrior had arrived early for the upcoming wedding. He supposed, traveling with his friends for so long had desensitized him to the oddities they seemed to partake, though he couldn't recall a time Sokka had attempted to eat a large poultry from the inside out.
Sighing in a sense of the coming inevitable strangeness that would be his life, Zuko closed the pantry door and moved to where his friend struggled to remain standing as he tugged the large bird from around Sokka's head.
"Ahhhhh!" the boomerang expert gasped, sucking in air as though his lungs were starved for oxygen, which Zuko found quite believable, if not a touch overdramatic, given the limited cavity space of the plucked fowl that his head was forced to occupy. "Oh Zuko, thank the Spirits, she's gone insane!"
There were so many strange peculiarities about the situation that Zuko wasn't quite sure where to start. Who has gone insane? Why was Sokka tied up like a criminal? Where was the kitchen staff and why was he wearing a turkeyhen? Of all the questions Zuko could ask, the one the fought for dominance from his voice was simply, "Sokka, what were you doing with this turkeyhen?"
Crinkling his brow slightly in thought as he hopped a few times to maintain his balance, Sokka shook his head in confusion as to the question and replied with his simplest response, "Well I was hungry."
"I've never questioned your way of eating before but really, this seems a bit…off."
"You're kidding right? How exactly could I shove that turkeyhen on my head? I mean, was it before or after I tied my hands behind my back?"
"I don't know Sokka, I've seen you do stranger things," Zuko replied, tossing the baked fowl onto the stainless steel prep table.
The sword master opened his mouth to protest, thought about the Fire Lord's statement, then closed it again. Sokka couldn't, in all honesty, argue Zukko's point and rather decided to address the present situation. "Could you at least untie me?" He asked, hopping a few more times for emphasis on his current lack of balance.
Heaving another deep breath of surrender that his life was and would always be one misadventure after another, Zuko retrieved a knife from his belt and cut the bindings loose from Sokka's hands and feet. "So, what exactly happened anyway?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you, she's gone crazy!" the warrior screamed, flailing his newly free arms wildly as if to further emphasis his point, or attempt to take flight, Zuko wasn't quite sure which. "I was hungry so I came down to the kitchen to grab a bit to eat and then when I just pulled the turkeyhen out of the pantry to make myself a sandwich, she charged in with the craziest look I've ever seen and then proceeded to try to force the turkeyhen, the WHOLE turkeyhen into my mouth. Seriously, I think she dislocated my jaw. But when she figured it wouldn't fit, she shoved it over my head. Seriously, my face has gone where no face has gone before."
"Up the ass end of a turkeyhen," Zuko remarked dryly as he again looked at the discarded poultry and wondered how Sokka's head managed to fit in the much smaller crevice. For the briefest of moments Zuko imagined that this must have been what giving birth was like, and the image of Sokka being born by a dead, plucked and baked bird that he was intending to eat caused an unsolicited chuckle from the Fire Lord.
"Oh, go ahead and laugh it up Zuko, but we've got a problem here. Mai's gone completely off her rock."
"Wait…Mai?" Zuko said, his eyes narrowing in confusion at the revealed identity of the culprit. "Mai shoved your head into that bird?"
"Yes Zuko, Mai, M-A-I, Mai. She's lost her mind."
"Well, that doesn't sound like her…"
"Which part? Her attacking me, tying me up or shoving a roast duck…"
"Turkeyhen."
"Fine, a roast turkeyhen over my head."
"Probably the last part, Mai doesn't usually like handling food," Zuko remarked noncommittally as he shrugged his shoulders, making it perfectly obvious that her attacking Sokka was not at all outside of the realm of possibilities for her actions.
"I can't believe how calm you are about all of this."
"Like I said Sokka, traveling around with 'Team Avatar', I've learned to just ignore all the really weird stuff that happens to all of you, which is basically everything."
"Yeah fine, whatever, but we need to track her down before she hurts herself," a look from Zuko reminded Sokka how foolish that statement really was before he amended his view, "I mean someone else."
"I'm sure it's fine. Maybe you're just over-reacting."
"Over reacting? She nearly suffocated me with dinner, how am I over-reacting?"
Before Zuko could answer however, Suki rushed into the kitchen, finding the two men debating the mental health of the Fire Lord's soon to be wife. "Oh Zuko, I'm glad I found you, Mai's…"
"Crazy," Sokka interjected, earning a scornful look from his girlfriend.
"I was going to say not herself," the Kioshi warrior stated, crossing her arms in frustration over her boyfriend's overly blunt assessment, yet before either friend could interrupt, she continued. "She was down in the gardens, screaming at the Turtle Ducks about how they should be mooing like good Ostrich Horses. I walked up to her to see if everything was alright, but when she saw me, she drew a pair of knives, called me a katana and challenged me to 'Mortal Combat', whatever that means. Then she ran off, chasing a firefly and shouting that it was Azula and she was going to kill her for hurting you."
"She really does love me," Zuko replied at hearing the last statement, his cheeks coloring slightly over the admission and ignoring the painful facepalm of his two friends.
Before either Sokka or Suki could wonder if Zuko was really the sane one, the subject of their concerns burst through the kitchen door, her perfectly constructed hair a disheveled mess and her eyes wide with frantic confusion. When those same, manic eyes fell on Sokka however, the warrior cringed in fear as the knife expert sped directly at him, colliding with his body and forcing him against the counter.
"Oh Sokka," Mai purred in a voice that was anything but threatening, "Oh I've been dreaming of you all day my dear, dear, lovely Sokka."
"Okay, I thought cramming the turkeyduck over my head was the craziest thing you could have done, but Mai, what the hell are you talking about?" Sokka choked, forcing his head back as far as he could while trying to push Mai and her advances away from him. Suki made a sudden move to save her boyfriend from the creepy motives of their friend, but Zuko put a hand on her shoulder, his eyes scrutinizing the scene as if not really seeing it.
"What do you mean Sokka?" Mai purred as she leaned further towards the struggling warrior. "Every girl has had their chance with you. Yue, Suki, Ty Lee, even dear little Toph. I think I understand what all the attraction is finally about. Come on Sokka, let's you and me have little party."
"Uh, as tempting as that sounds…" Sokka said, still trying to scoot away from Mai before leaning far to the right and shouted over her shoulder. "Oh HI ZUKO!"
"Wha…Zuko?" Mai responded, standing and turning around so quickly a lesser person would have lost their balance. "Oh, Zuko, it's…it's not what it looks like. Uh…he came on to me," Mai screamed and turned quickly, delivering a devastating strike to the side of Sokka's face. The warrior's head spun a full 180, causing his body to coil in response before his legs tangled and he fell to the floor. "You PIG!"
"GAH! She hurt my jaw, AGAIN!"
Without another word Mai sprinted from the kitchen and back into the palace, leaving the three friends startled over the scene before chasing after her. However they made it only a few feet before Zuko ran headlong into a stone barrier that should not have been there. Angrily rubbing his forehead that he was sure was now flatter, Zuko sat up and watched as the stonewall fell back into the floor, leaving the hallway exactly how it always looked.
Standing on the other side of the wall was none other than Toph, her arms crossed in frustration as she looked back over her shoulder towards the hallway. "Damn, I missed."
"Toph, have you seen Mai?" Suki asked, her words coming more forcefully than expected over the fear of their friend's condition.
"Did I see her? What do you think that big block was for?" Toph argued as she turned back towards her friends, her arms crossed in her typical style and her eyes narrowing as if the question was the stupidest thing she'd ever heard.
"So you tore a chunk out of the palace floor to try to block her in?" Zuko asked, shaking his head. "Couldn't you have done something a little less destructive?"
"I wasn't trying to block her in," the Blind Bandit remarked, unfolding her arms and instead putting her hands on her hips. "I was trying to smoosh her."
"What?…WHY would you do that?"
"Because she was annoying me, why else?" Toph threw back in a manner of nonchalance, as though the whole subject was self-explanatory. "She kept rambling on about going off to ride wild Hogmonkeys or something, I don't know."
"She's not herself Toph, we have to stop her…"
"You know what I just heard?" Toph replied, making a hand-puppet gesture with her hand, " 'Oh Toph, I'm so annoying, yes I deserve to be smooshed like a bug. Help put me out of myself and everyone else's misery.' Well sure Zuko, it'll be my pleasure." The blind earthbender replied, cracking her knuckles loudly.
Before any of the three companions could determine whether Toph was serious or not however, Katara and Aang joined the group conversing in the hallway. "You know, I think there's something wrong with Mai," Aang said unnecessarily as he scratched the side of his head.
"Really, what was your first clue?" Toph remarked bluntly as she tapped her foot against the floor. "That fact that she's running around like a madwoman or the fact that she was coming onto Sokka like a drunken harlot."
The final statement caused a number of very strange looks from the gathered friends to meet Toph's unseeing eyes as the earthbender merely shrugged her shoulders as if already knowing the question. "You guys keep forgetting that I have excellent hearing. I heard the entire conversation, and for the record, Sokka liked it a lot more than he let on. I could hear his heartbeat down the hall."
An angry scowl from his girlfriend and a quick blow across the face, and Sokka again hit the ground in pain.
"Yeah," Aang replied, ignoring the writhing form of his eventual brother-in-law and continuing with his announcement. "Either of those reason's Toph mentioned are pretty good, but I was going to say that Mai set fire to the north tower."
"What?" Zuko said, his words biting in shock and wondering when his world had become so amazingly discombobulated. Hurrying down the hallway, Zuko made his way towards one the window that would give him a view of the tower. Sure enough, it was in flames. "How did she manage to do that?"
"Well, I was in the tower doing some research in the library when Mai jumped in through one of the windows," Katara began, shaking her head at the memory of what had happened. "I'm not really sure how she even managed to scale her way up the entire tower at all to do that, but I guess that's not important. She started shouting out firebending techniques and then threw a couple of lanterns into the center of the library and caught a nice bookshelf on fire. From there it just all sort of exploded."
"Why didn't you put it out Katara?" Zuko asked, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "You are a waterbending master."
"Are you crazy? Mai scares me," Katara replied as she shook her head at the memory. "I got the hell out of there."
"Fine, fine, whatever," Zuko said grievously as he leaned against the wall of his castle, trying desperately to regain control of an out of control situation. "Aang, can you put the fire out for me?"
"Oh sure, always dump all your problems on the Avatar. No, 'hi Aang, I haven't seen you in a year and a half, how you been?' or 'Hey Aang, do you think you can manage to stick around for a little longer than a few weeks this time?' No, it's always, 'Oh Avatar, help us, Old Lady Parker's sheep have run off and we need you to help find them' not bothering to tell me the sheep are stashed in the barn and kept quiet as a way to keep me in town a few days longer than needed. No, not like I had anywhere else to be, I'm only the Avatar you know, keeper of the peace and balance of this whole fricken world, and yet some little hovel of a village wants bragging rights that the Avatar stayed at their cozy little inn and I'm kept against all common sense and made to look for their stupid sheep that WEREN'T EVEN MISSING!"
"Yeah, you know what I heard just then?" Toph began, again raising her arm to emulate the hand puppet. "Blah, blah blah, cute little fuzzy sheep…blah blah blah, I'm an annoying prat and I really look forward to the day Toph squishes me…blah blah."
"But Toph…"
"Did I mention you were annoying me?"
"Fine," Aang stated in defeat, recalling the repressed memory of the last time Toph was annoyed with him and suppressing the shudder that worked its way up his spine. Unfolding his glider, Aang leapt from the windowsill, making his way towards the burning tower while the rest of the friends decided on the next course of action.
"So, does anyone have any idea what's going on with Mai?" Suki asked, her frown cutting deeply into her features as she contemplated what they each knew.
Toph however shook her head and pointed accusingly towards Sokka, "Why not ask Snoozles there? He started it all."
Four sets of eyes turned towards Sokka as the warrior blanched from the angry glares received from his friends and family. "I don't know what you're talking about Toph…"
"Save it Sokka," the earthbender announced as she fixed her unseeing eyes on the culprit. "I could smell Mai's breath. It was the same scent on your breath when we were trapped in the desert, remember?"
"You don't mean," Katara asked, putting her hand to her forehead as she shook her head in disbelief. "Sokka, did you really give Mai cactus juice?"
"Why is it always my fault?"
"Because you're usually the one who does these things," Suki followed up, glaring at her boyfriend and causing him to recoil in mortal fear. "I don't even know what this cactus juice is, but I'm guessing it's what's causing Mai's mental meltdown."
"Look, okay, I did bring cactus juice to the palace…don't look at me like that," Sokka said in response to Katara's displeased expression. "I wanted to show Zuko okay? Three years ago when I broke my leg off that stupid airship and it had been too long and you couldn't have healed it for me, Suki and I went into the desert and got some cactus juice. A simple drop took away all my pain and it was non-addictive so I thought to bring it to one of Zuko's alchemists or healers as a possible pain reliever. As long as it's in moderation it's a good thing."
"So wait," Katara responded, her eyes narrowing in speculation as she turned her gaze from Sokka to Suki, pointing an accusatory finger much the way Toph had done at the Kyoshi warrior. "You were a part of this mess? What was all that, 'I don't even know what cactus juice is' nonsense?" Katara asked, her voice deepening in mocking imitation of the female warrior.
"We can save the finger pointing later, right now we need to find Mai." Toph said, but Zuko cut off her words.
"No need, she's standing on top of the north tower." Sure enough, the five friends gawked out the window and watched Mai pounding her chest and swatting at Aang who seemed to be circling her and hoping to find a way to bring her down. With no other alternatives, Aang collapsed his staff and sent a gust of air at Mai the knocked her from the roof, before reforming his glider and flying after her.
Zuko's heart caught in his chest as he watched his fiancé tumble from the peak of the north tower until Aang emerged from the absence of space, Mai clinging tightly to the glider as the two flew through the window occupied by the onlookers, the Avatar and his passenger crashing into the five friends.
Somehow, despite the tangled and bruised bodies, they all ended up in an embrace, thankful that the situation had not been worse. The apparent fall from the tower had also seemed to shock the cactus juice out of Mai's system, as she sat in stunned silence, Zuko on one side and Katara on the other, wondering one simple question…how the hell did she wind up on the top of the north tower?
A/N: Told you, this story was pure crack, but it was fun to write. As always, if you got a laugh or enjoyed reading this quirky work of fanfiction, please feel free to leave a review. Love those reviews. Thanks.