Disclaimer: See Prologue
A/N: I won't be around for a few days as I am working in North Wales but I will be home by Friday and there'll be another update.
A/N 2: Frankly, this is getting angsty. It's time this got happier.
"You were going to kill him."
Sirius met Lupin's eyes and grinned. "No, he hasn't got it in him. He had a total of three opportunities and he never took one of them, even when, by the time the second opportunity came to him, I was an escaped serial killer whose murder could probably have earned him some serious cash."
Lupin smiled smugly at Harry. "And the third time I could have done it, I believe I was pulling your hands from round his throat, you little hypocrite."
Harry frowned and almost blushed. Unable to look at either of them, he mumbled a quick "Sorry," to his shoes.
Sirius laughed. "S'all right. It certainly made my night a little more interesting. Besides, I'm a Marauder; I love a challenge. Convincing you was one thing but convincing you as I was being strangled to death and sat on by a cat, now that was my kind of challenge."
Lupin drew in a deep breath. "Sometimes I really do wonder how we became friends."
Sirius sat up straight, his eyes twinkling, and Harry had the distinct impression that his godfather was about to enjoy himself immensely. "Well, of course, Remus, you're right. I see no similarities between us at all. Certainly, I wouldn't drink myself into a stupor before waltzing into a tattoo parlor at three in the afternoon and ask them to write on my shoulder with needles. No, Remus, no similarities whatsoever." He smirked. "The only difference, Saint Remus of Mercy, is that my mother didn't go ballistic when she found out." He frowned. "Though, at least your mother cared enough to go ballistic, so I don't really know who wins this one."
Lupin rolled his eyes. "Shall I move on or do you have something of any worth to add to the discussion?"
Sirius smiled sarcastically. "Oh look, Harry, here's a nice one."
1979
James Potter wondered how in the world he had awoken beside a traffic cone, in the middle of a public park, wearing no shoes. He could see only one plus point. No-one here knew him and he couldn't understand their bitching.
Okay, two plus points. Things were on the up.
Things could be distinctly worse. He glanced over at his friends and found that Sirius was curled up beside a tramp and Peter was naked. He had come out of this experience remarkably well in comparison.
He sat up with a jolt. If Sirius had slept beside a tramp and Peter had given him his clothes, then where the hell was Remus? James tried to remain calm. After all, Remus was a big lad and he could…cause trouble in an empty phone box. Worryingly, he was also an early riser with a camera.
"Peter," he hissed. "Peter, there are people passing and as slack as Dutch police can be, you will probably be arrested."
Peter groaned and hit out at him, turning over and finding his face mashed into dewy grass. He shuddered in horror and sat up, upon which it rather suddenly occurred to him that he was naked.
"Jesus, Prongs!"
"Yeah, I know."
"Fuck!"
James nodded. "My sentiments exactly."
Peter bit his lip and darted behind a tree. "Okay, what are we going to do? Where are my clothes?"
James bit back his smile. "I don't know, Pete. I was rather hoping you might have the answer to that one."
"Shit, man."
James prodded Sirius with a bare foot. "Oi!"
Sirius stretched out, arching his back upwards in a manner that distinctly reminded James of his cat. He shook his hair out of his face and glimpsed the elderly, bearded man who appeared to be wearing Peter's AC/DC t-shirt.
"Dear Christ!" he spat, leaping to his feet, glad to be found in the same clothes he had arrived in. "Who knows what I've caught."
"Fleas probably," said James. "Still, you should be used to them by now."
Sirius smirked. "Just remember, Prongs, that in two weeks, it's Full Moon and to me, you are venison."
James flicked him two fingers and returned to talking to the tree. "Peter, you're going to have to come out some time."
"He came out when we were at school."
"Shut up, Padfoot!"
Sirius laughed. "So you're topless. Big deal."
"I am not topless," spat Peter. "You ask him what he did with my underwear."
Sirius struggled to stand up, laughing so hard that he broke the sound barrier and clinging onto James, he was rather reminded of the previous evening in a small Dutch café.
James bit back his grin and glanced toward the tramp. "Okay, Wormy, I don't want to worry you, but he's er…well, he's gone."
"WHAT?"
Sirius finally stopped laughing. "And so's Remus. Funny, we never saw them together."
James rolled his eyes. "Don't even start on that. You know what he's like. I dread to think." He turned back to the tree. "There's bound to be something we can buy you." He sighed. "Sirius, if you don't stop giggling like a teenage girl, I'm going to go fucking bananas. We've lost Peter's clothes, we've lost Remus, we've lost my shoes and if you carry on, Pad, you're going to lose your life."
"Mystery solved," said Sirius, grinning.
"It's not my clothes by any chance?"
Lupin's hands shook and he clutched James' wrist, squeezing it. "You will not believe what just happened to me."
James raised his eyebrows. "Oh, I think we will."
"It is one thing to wake up with morning wood. In fact, I was expecting it as I had agreed to share a room with a prostitute, but it is quite another to wake up and find out that she's got it too."
Sirius burst into another bout of giggles that not even a withering glance from Lupin could put an end to. "You? Sleeping with prostitutes?"
Lupin gave him the finger. "Okay, a) prostitute - singular and b) literally sleeping. She couldn't afford the room on her own and after you three were thrown out, I agreed to split with her. She had the bed, I slept on the floor, but then it got cold and she told me to 'hop in' so I did and...oh God…"
James frowned. "And at what point did the erection dig into your back?"
Lupin hold on James' wrist tightened. "I had no idea until she got out of the shower and she had chest hair and a tent in her towel and then I looked down and she'd shoved her nipple tassels on me in the night. I have never been more afraid in my life."
"What happened?"
"He asked me if we'd done anything and how much I owed him. I explained and he paid for the room. I'm telling you, last night she could have passed for a looker but this morning…" He took a deep breath. "I shared a bed with a distant cousin of the Addams family."
"Oh, Moony, stop. Stop. I can't breathe," said Sirius, clutching his ribs. "This is even better than the tramp who stole Peter's clothes."
Lupin's mouth dropped open. "The what, sorry?"
Peter waved from the other side of the tree and Lupin slapped himself hard enough to make James wince.
"Any minute now, I am going to wake up."
James nodded solemnly. "I know how you feel. Unfortunately, Remus, we are awake and we now have to find Peter some clothes and as the most sensible person I have around me, will you come with me to find some?"
Lupin nodded. "At least, I would but I don't think it's wise to leave Sirius with a naked Peter. I really don't."
"Good point," said Sirius, smiling to himself. "So you two could stay and I could find him some clothes. How hard can it be? Remus, you can stay and I'll take James because he obviously thinks he's the man for the job."
Lupin nodded. "And try not to make idiots of yourselves. I know it's hard, but try." He leant against the tree. "So what's the damage?"
CLICK!
Peter adjusted his friends' offerings. "It's a bit…tight."
"I could give you my jacket to cover it."
Peter glared. "Yes, Padfoot, that's just what I need; leather to complete the ensemble."
Sirius nodded and turned to James. "I told you we should have bought him the whip to go with it."
"I can barely breathe."
James shrugged. "That's PVC for you, Peter."
Peter frowned. "Why couldn't you have bought me something normal?"
"Well, it's Amsterdam. We had to buy you a souvenir."
"I look like a prostitute."
Lupin froze. "Don't even fucking joke about that."
James grinned. "Remus?"
"Yes?"
"Can Peter borrow your nipple tassels?"