Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be. Please don't sue.
Author: Catgurl83
Title: Opening up the past
Feedback: Keeps me motivated. My e-mail address is catgurl83@yahoo.com
Rating: PG. 13.
Author's notes: Flashbacks are marked. Everything else is current day.
**********
"What kind of lead?" Robert demanded.
Dylan hesitated. "How much news have you been watching?"
"None," Robert answered impatiently. This was the one thing he did not like about Dylan; Dylan could not just get to the point.
"There is a case similar to this one going on in California right now."
Robert just waited for Dylan to continue.
"Evidence points to it being the same as this," Dylan waited a moment. "The FBI has taken both cases over."
"You didn't think to contact me sooner?" Robert snapped.
"I waited until we were certain."
Robert stood up abruptly. He had to get out of here. "Keep me informed," he said shortly before walking away.
Dylan watched Robert go. He wasn't surprised by Robert's reaction.
No one had expected this after so many years. They had all thought that this would be one of those cases that was never solved. A case that was left open on the far-off and much hoped for chance that an unexpected lead would pop up.
This was one case that they all wanted solved. It had touched most of them very deeply. Deeper than any of them had ever imagined was possible, deeper than they wanted.
It had been the first big case that Dylan had worked on. He had become entangled and obsessed with it, and had hated being pulled from it when it was pushed to the back burner.
He had quietly continued to pursue leads and had kept in touch with Robert. At first, he had spoken to him about once a week. Gradually, the phone calls had dwindled until they only talked about once or twice a year.
During those first few months, Dylan watched Robert fade away until only a shell remained. That shell ate, drank, breathed, slept, and worked but it had no humanistic qualities.
As more time past the shell withered and broke to reveal a very scarred man underneath it. The new Robert showed very little emotion. He was hard and relentless. He threw his entire life into his job and pretended that he cared about no one and nothing. Few looked past the demeanor to see the man beneath.
Dylan knew that Robert liked it that way. He didn't want to have to feel, to be close to anyone, to share his pain and grief. It was easier this way.
Dylan worried about what would happen when those who knew Robert found out about the past. And it was inevitable that they would; there was no way to keep the secret locked away now. All the carefully hidden and ignored secrets and demons would be yanked from their dark closets and examined in front of the media.
It was inevitable.
*********
Robert sat in his car for several minutes. He had to compose himself enough to drive.
He could not understand why Dylan's words had shocked him so much. He had wanted this. Had hoped that it would eventually happen. Though not like this. Never like this.
He knew the pain, the fear, the helplessness, and finally the hopelessness when you accepted the truth. No one should have to feel all of that.
Finally, he started the car and pulled out into traffic. He turned down a familiar road without even meaning to. He drove as if on automatic. His destination did not register until he was parking.
He climbed out of the car and walked up the old, granite steps to the gravel walkway. He walked along the pathway for several minutes before he finally stepped off onto the grass.
The scent of roses and daffodils permeated the air and filled his nostrils as he approached a spot as familiar to him as his own home.
He sank down onto the damp grass, not even noticing when the moisture seeped through his pant legs.
As he stared at the dark surface in front of him, his hand slowly reached out. It slowly and gingerly touched the cold surface, tracing over the letters that had long ago been committed to his memory. Each letter had burned their way into his brain, never to be extracted.
Uncharacteristic tears burned his eyes as he stared down at the name on the headstone. He shook his head angrily as he forced the unshed tears back. "Why?" he demanded, not really sure if he was talking to the woman within the grave or to God.
He waited as if someone was going to answer.
He had done this before. So many, many times during the months following her death. He had never received an answer.
They said that there was an answer for everything. But there wasn't. There was no answer for this; there was no reason. It had just happened.
He had searched for the answers for months before realizing that life had no answers. Things didn't happen for a reason. They just happened because someone somewhere was cruel. Someone enjoyed tormenting them and watching them helplessly grapple to figure out why.
Not him. He had decided that he wouldn't grapple for answers long ago. He didn't care. Life could do anything it wanted to him. He didn't care. He couldn't care.
As he knelt before her grave, he could almost hear her sweet, melodious voice in his ears. The voice that he had instantly loved.
The cemetery faded as he floated back through time.
***********
Flashback
Nineteen years ago
**********
Robert stood in front of a mirror. He had never thought that this would happen. Had never planned on getting married. Meeting Natalie had changed everything.
He smiled as he thought of Nattie. It had been almost a year since he met her. In that short time, his whole life had changed. Some people even said that his personality had changed.
After that first day, he had known that he shouldn't spend any more time with Nattie. There were so many reasons why they shouldn't start a relationship: she was only nineteen years old; he was an intern and worked very long hours; they were from completely different backgrounds. Yet, none of those things had mattered. He hadn't been able to stop himself from spending more time with her. It was like he was drawn to her.
In the next several weeks he spent almost all of his free time with Nattie.
They had been dating for about two months when he met her family for the first time. At that moment he was again struck with how different she was from him.
Nattie was from a large, close-knit family. She had three older brothers and an older sister. She was the youngest child and everyone was very protective of her. Many of the people he met that day were disapproving of him. They didn't think that he was right for Nattie. Only her grandmother liked him.
He himself was from a small and very distant family. His parents had never had the time to be parents. Neither of them had even wanted to be parents but his father was an only child and had wanted the family name to continue.
Robert straightened his tie as he remembered her family's reaction when they told them that they were engaged.
Her grandmother had been ecstatic and had jumped right into wedding plans. Her mother had been disapproving but had not been very vocal because she realized that Natalie needed to make her own decisions. Natalie's father had been very upset; he stormed out of the room in anger. Natalie's brothers had also been very upset. Natalie's sister had tried to talk her out of it but obviously hadn't succeeded.
Several of them had threatened to not attend the wedding. All of them had changed their minds when they realized that the wedding was going to happen with or without them.
Robert's own parents had been incredibly indifferent. They couldn't have cared less. They weren't going to be at the wedding; they had other plans.
Robert looked up when the door opened. His cousin, the only one of his relatives that had come to the wedding, told him that it was time for him to come into the church.
A few minutes later Robert stood in front of a church full of people waiting for Natalie. His cousin Anthony stood with him as his Best Man.
Subtle music started to play and the doors at the back of the church opened.
Natalie's four-year-old niece Amanda stepped into the room. She was wearing a soft pink dress made of satin. The dress was very simple and understated. She carried a heart shaped basket filled with white and pink rose-petals. Her long blond hair hung down her back in a French braid; flowers had been woven into the braid.
Amanda's three-year-old cousin Caleb entered the church next. Caleb was adorable in his miniature tuxedo. His hair was slicked back making him look very suave and debonair. He carried a dark blue pillow with the wedding rings on it.
Natalie's sister Elisabeth was next. She was the Matron of Honor. She was wearing a dress the same shade of pink as her daughter's. This dress was cut a little differently though. It was strapless. She carried a bouquet of white and pink roses. Her light blond hair was swept up in a French bun.
The music changed to the Bridal March. The guests all stood as one.
Robert's breath caught when Natalie slowly stepped into the church on her father's arm. His eyes met her caramel colored ones. Both sets of eyes shone with happiness, love, and unshed tears.
Natalie had wanted her dress to be somewhere between modern and traditional. It was off-white and strapless. It was made of satin and Irish lace. Tiny red roses were hand embroidered onto the satin on the bodice.
Natalie's hair was swept up and a wreath of flowers lay on top of the tresses. A few tendrils escaped to hang down by her face.
Her mother's diamond teardrop earrings adorned her ears. They were her 'something borrowed'. A hand tatted lace handkerchief, made by her grandmother, was her 'something new'. Her garter was her 'something blue'. Her 'something old' was a locket from her deceased grandmother on her father's side of the family. The locket held a picture from her grandparent's wedding and a picture from her parent's wedding.
They reached the front of the church and her father grudgingly handed her over to Robert after kissing her cheek.
Robert took Nattie's hand, his eyes still locked on hers.
He continued to stare into her deep, beautiful eyes as they recited the vows that they had written, pledging their love to each other.
Robert felt a tear slip from his eye as he slid the ring onto her finger. Her cheeks were damp with her own tears.
Natalie felt the smile light her face when the priest pronounced them man and wife. Robert pulled her into his arms for a sweet and tender kiss. Their first kiss as a married couple.
As they walked back down the aisle, Nattie noticed the scowl on her older brother's face. She didn't care. Nothing was going to ruin this day or her happiness with Robert. With time, the rest of her family would see what she and her grandmother already saw; Robert was a wonderful man, just a little rough around the edges.
*********
Robert wiped the tears from his eyes as he pulled himself back from that bittersweet memory.
They had been so happy that day. Who could have known that it would all change so quickly? Too quickly. They were supposed to grow old together. They hadn't gotten the chance.
Natalie had been his life until the savage world ripped her away from him. Until the savage world ripped his life away from him in a single devastating moment.
He tenderly wiped the dust off of the gravestone and leaned forward to kiss it. He stood up and walked away without looking back at the grave.
**********
Author's note: Please review and let me know what you think, good or bad. This is my first ER story so I really need the feedback. Also, feedback helps keep me motivated and I write faster. :-)
Author: Catgurl83
Title: Opening up the past
Feedback: Keeps me motivated. My e-mail address is catgurl83@yahoo.com
Rating: PG. 13.
Author's notes: Flashbacks are marked. Everything else is current day.
**********
"What kind of lead?" Robert demanded.
Dylan hesitated. "How much news have you been watching?"
"None," Robert answered impatiently. This was the one thing he did not like about Dylan; Dylan could not just get to the point.
"There is a case similar to this one going on in California right now."
Robert just waited for Dylan to continue.
"Evidence points to it being the same as this," Dylan waited a moment. "The FBI has taken both cases over."
"You didn't think to contact me sooner?" Robert snapped.
"I waited until we were certain."
Robert stood up abruptly. He had to get out of here. "Keep me informed," he said shortly before walking away.
Dylan watched Robert go. He wasn't surprised by Robert's reaction.
No one had expected this after so many years. They had all thought that this would be one of those cases that was never solved. A case that was left open on the far-off and much hoped for chance that an unexpected lead would pop up.
This was one case that they all wanted solved. It had touched most of them very deeply. Deeper than any of them had ever imagined was possible, deeper than they wanted.
It had been the first big case that Dylan had worked on. He had become entangled and obsessed with it, and had hated being pulled from it when it was pushed to the back burner.
He had quietly continued to pursue leads and had kept in touch with Robert. At first, he had spoken to him about once a week. Gradually, the phone calls had dwindled until they only talked about once or twice a year.
During those first few months, Dylan watched Robert fade away until only a shell remained. That shell ate, drank, breathed, slept, and worked but it had no humanistic qualities.
As more time past the shell withered and broke to reveal a very scarred man underneath it. The new Robert showed very little emotion. He was hard and relentless. He threw his entire life into his job and pretended that he cared about no one and nothing. Few looked past the demeanor to see the man beneath.
Dylan knew that Robert liked it that way. He didn't want to have to feel, to be close to anyone, to share his pain and grief. It was easier this way.
Dylan worried about what would happen when those who knew Robert found out about the past. And it was inevitable that they would; there was no way to keep the secret locked away now. All the carefully hidden and ignored secrets and demons would be yanked from their dark closets and examined in front of the media.
It was inevitable.
*********
Robert sat in his car for several minutes. He had to compose himself enough to drive.
He could not understand why Dylan's words had shocked him so much. He had wanted this. Had hoped that it would eventually happen. Though not like this. Never like this.
He knew the pain, the fear, the helplessness, and finally the hopelessness when you accepted the truth. No one should have to feel all of that.
Finally, he started the car and pulled out into traffic. He turned down a familiar road without even meaning to. He drove as if on automatic. His destination did not register until he was parking.
He climbed out of the car and walked up the old, granite steps to the gravel walkway. He walked along the pathway for several minutes before he finally stepped off onto the grass.
The scent of roses and daffodils permeated the air and filled his nostrils as he approached a spot as familiar to him as his own home.
He sank down onto the damp grass, not even noticing when the moisture seeped through his pant legs.
As he stared at the dark surface in front of him, his hand slowly reached out. It slowly and gingerly touched the cold surface, tracing over the letters that had long ago been committed to his memory. Each letter had burned their way into his brain, never to be extracted.
Uncharacteristic tears burned his eyes as he stared down at the name on the headstone. He shook his head angrily as he forced the unshed tears back. "Why?" he demanded, not really sure if he was talking to the woman within the grave or to God.
He waited as if someone was going to answer.
He had done this before. So many, many times during the months following her death. He had never received an answer.
They said that there was an answer for everything. But there wasn't. There was no answer for this; there was no reason. It had just happened.
He had searched for the answers for months before realizing that life had no answers. Things didn't happen for a reason. They just happened because someone somewhere was cruel. Someone enjoyed tormenting them and watching them helplessly grapple to figure out why.
Not him. He had decided that he wouldn't grapple for answers long ago. He didn't care. Life could do anything it wanted to him. He didn't care. He couldn't care.
As he knelt before her grave, he could almost hear her sweet, melodious voice in his ears. The voice that he had instantly loved.
The cemetery faded as he floated back through time.
***********
Flashback
Nineteen years ago
**********
Robert stood in front of a mirror. He had never thought that this would happen. Had never planned on getting married. Meeting Natalie had changed everything.
He smiled as he thought of Nattie. It had been almost a year since he met her. In that short time, his whole life had changed. Some people even said that his personality had changed.
After that first day, he had known that he shouldn't spend any more time with Nattie. There were so many reasons why they shouldn't start a relationship: she was only nineteen years old; he was an intern and worked very long hours; they were from completely different backgrounds. Yet, none of those things had mattered. He hadn't been able to stop himself from spending more time with her. It was like he was drawn to her.
In the next several weeks he spent almost all of his free time with Nattie.
They had been dating for about two months when he met her family for the first time. At that moment he was again struck with how different she was from him.
Nattie was from a large, close-knit family. She had three older brothers and an older sister. She was the youngest child and everyone was very protective of her. Many of the people he met that day were disapproving of him. They didn't think that he was right for Nattie. Only her grandmother liked him.
He himself was from a small and very distant family. His parents had never had the time to be parents. Neither of them had even wanted to be parents but his father was an only child and had wanted the family name to continue.
Robert straightened his tie as he remembered her family's reaction when they told them that they were engaged.
Her grandmother had been ecstatic and had jumped right into wedding plans. Her mother had been disapproving but had not been very vocal because she realized that Natalie needed to make her own decisions. Natalie's father had been very upset; he stormed out of the room in anger. Natalie's brothers had also been very upset. Natalie's sister had tried to talk her out of it but obviously hadn't succeeded.
Several of them had threatened to not attend the wedding. All of them had changed their minds when they realized that the wedding was going to happen with or without them.
Robert's own parents had been incredibly indifferent. They couldn't have cared less. They weren't going to be at the wedding; they had other plans.
Robert looked up when the door opened. His cousin, the only one of his relatives that had come to the wedding, told him that it was time for him to come into the church.
A few minutes later Robert stood in front of a church full of people waiting for Natalie. His cousin Anthony stood with him as his Best Man.
Subtle music started to play and the doors at the back of the church opened.
Natalie's four-year-old niece Amanda stepped into the room. She was wearing a soft pink dress made of satin. The dress was very simple and understated. She carried a heart shaped basket filled with white and pink rose-petals. Her long blond hair hung down her back in a French braid; flowers had been woven into the braid.
Amanda's three-year-old cousin Caleb entered the church next. Caleb was adorable in his miniature tuxedo. His hair was slicked back making him look very suave and debonair. He carried a dark blue pillow with the wedding rings on it.
Natalie's sister Elisabeth was next. She was the Matron of Honor. She was wearing a dress the same shade of pink as her daughter's. This dress was cut a little differently though. It was strapless. She carried a bouquet of white and pink roses. Her light blond hair was swept up in a French bun.
The music changed to the Bridal March. The guests all stood as one.
Robert's breath caught when Natalie slowly stepped into the church on her father's arm. His eyes met her caramel colored ones. Both sets of eyes shone with happiness, love, and unshed tears.
Natalie had wanted her dress to be somewhere between modern and traditional. It was off-white and strapless. It was made of satin and Irish lace. Tiny red roses were hand embroidered onto the satin on the bodice.
Natalie's hair was swept up and a wreath of flowers lay on top of the tresses. A few tendrils escaped to hang down by her face.
Her mother's diamond teardrop earrings adorned her ears. They were her 'something borrowed'. A hand tatted lace handkerchief, made by her grandmother, was her 'something new'. Her garter was her 'something blue'. Her 'something old' was a locket from her deceased grandmother on her father's side of the family. The locket held a picture from her grandparent's wedding and a picture from her parent's wedding.
They reached the front of the church and her father grudgingly handed her over to Robert after kissing her cheek.
Robert took Nattie's hand, his eyes still locked on hers.
He continued to stare into her deep, beautiful eyes as they recited the vows that they had written, pledging their love to each other.
Robert felt a tear slip from his eye as he slid the ring onto her finger. Her cheeks were damp with her own tears.
Natalie felt the smile light her face when the priest pronounced them man and wife. Robert pulled her into his arms for a sweet and tender kiss. Their first kiss as a married couple.
As they walked back down the aisle, Nattie noticed the scowl on her older brother's face. She didn't care. Nothing was going to ruin this day or her happiness with Robert. With time, the rest of her family would see what she and her grandmother already saw; Robert was a wonderful man, just a little rough around the edges.
*********
Robert wiped the tears from his eyes as he pulled himself back from that bittersweet memory.
They had been so happy that day. Who could have known that it would all change so quickly? Too quickly. They were supposed to grow old together. They hadn't gotten the chance.
Natalie had been his life until the savage world ripped her away from him. Until the savage world ripped his life away from him in a single devastating moment.
He tenderly wiped the dust off of the gravestone and leaned forward to kiss it. He stood up and walked away without looking back at the grave.
**********
Author's note: Please review and let me know what you think, good or bad. This is my first ER story so I really need the feedback. Also, feedback helps keep me motivated and I write faster. :-)