You Lost Me

Chapter Seventeen - Attempts

Carla's revelation drove Damon insane and he promised her that after finding Elena he'd sweep the country to kill the guy who had broken her heart like that. The redhead didn't offer any opposition to the idea as she'd been frustrated with the lack of power of the police to find Robert. After two years she doubted that they kept looking. She convinced him to take a shower and leave to execute his newly acquired plan and only come back once he found Elena. Damon smiled and did as he was told. Carla was definitely someone much needed in his perturbed life.

But nothing in the vampire's life came easily. It had almost been a month since Elena died and he and Stefan were as far from finding Elena as they were in the first day. Damon was desolate within the first week but he kept looking the same way. Both brothers barely made it back to Mystic Falls as they got farther from her hometown during their sweeping search but in one of those rare occasions Damon actually thought about something useful. He was Elena's sire, she had his blood running in her veins for the rest of her life and it had to help him somehow. Blood bonds were powerful connections and there was only one person that could help understanding it better or taking the best stab at it.

"Any news? It's been a while since I've seen you or Stefan" Bonnie greeted Damon in the doorway.

"No, but I think I have an advantage that I'd like to try. Elena died with my blood, we have a blood bond. There must be a spell or something that could help me to feel her or to guide me" Damon suggested hoping that the witch knew something related to this particular link between vampires.

"I have to check the grimoire, I don't understand a lot of how it works with you. I know a bit about other sort of bonds that can be built, so maybe any of those spells might work with a vampire blood bond"

"I'll wait here, if you don't mind" he pointed to the chairs on the porch and she bit her lip thinking for a moment. Damon thought she was considering asking him to leave.

"It's okay if you want me to leave, Bonnie, just please call me if you find something. Anything" he offered the uneasy witch. He usually didn't care about people wanting him far from them but somehow it was becoming important to him ever since coming back to the small town. He started caring about the people that lived there and there was a small hope in his heart that maybe they'd at least accept him. But he knew he had too many sins to be forgiven before it happened.

"Actually… would you like to come in?" she offered and Damon looked at her as if she had two heads. He was utterly shocked. He knew back in the day when they thought they only had hours to find Elena before the sun rose, Bonnie had suggested him to compel her because it could have been their only chance to find Elena in time but now it was different. While they were still desperate to find Elena and they knew she could be going through a very bad patch, it wasn't as urgent as before and he was surprised to know she considered inviting him in.

"Thanks" he only nodded and followed her.

"I remember reading about bonds spells, I hope we find something useful" she explained leaving the room and coming back a few moments later with the big book.

They looked at the old writings and although there were many bonds spells it frustrated them to know that all of them could only be done between a human and a vampire. It certainly wasn't a witch's first priority to help vampires with their private lives. Most of those spells were to protect humankind from the creatures of darkness, although a few were done to help the undead. Probably created by witches threatened by vampires.

"I saw a spell that isn't exactly a locator, but it could work as one. Maybe it isn't part of what Elena compelled me not to do" she moved the pages back to the page she had memorized the first time she passed by it.

"How does it work?" Damon asked, hopeful. It was a foreign feeling to the vampire. He didn't know hope and he couldn't relate to the feeling until that moment.

"It works like radars. It doesn't provide me the exact location but I can feel if you're getting closer or farther from the other end and I'm sure your bond with Elena will only make the link stronger and probably more precise" she explained, knowing it wasn't the best solution but it was all they had.

"But for it to start being useful I need to have some idea of where she is and I guess I don't have a clue about it" Damon quipped and Bonnie remembered why being around Damon could be so frustrating sometimes.

"You have to understand most of those spells were about getting vampires far from humans, not the other way around. There is no reason for witches to want to get closer to vampires. It isn't safe" she retorted a little bit annoyed by his sarcasm.

"I know" he smirked cynically and then turned his attention to the page she had opened.

"Come on, you must have some idea. Even if it's a long shot. All we need is a start" Bonnie decided to ignore his antics and focus on her friend, who really needed them.

"You know Elena better than I do. Where do you think she'd go?" Damon asked as he thought about some place the baby vamp could have gone.

"I suppose somewhere she felt familiar with. I guess it must be really hard for her to deal with the changes she's going through. I'd go somewhere I could find help but I don't know where she can find any help with this" Bonnie told him, leading the vampire to be pensive for some moments.

"I have an idea and this might be a very long shot. What do you need to do the spell?" he asked her with a serious tone. He didn't want to raise his hope that much, especially because if she was where he thought she was, it'd mean something for him.

"Something that belongs to Elena that you have touched but that wasn't cleaned off or washed" the witch clarified after she read the spell.

"I'll be right back" Damon informed and just like that he was gone.

He came back bringing the book he gave her the day she said he'd lost her forever. He couldn't think of something else and he hoped the fact that he gave her the book actually counted as something that belonged to her, even though he stole it from Isobel's archive. Bonnie got the candles and a piece of white tissue and placed it over the book Damon got and placed the candles around it.

"I need your blood" she turned to him and he didn't even question, ripping his wrist with his teeth.

"In the tissue, pour down two drops, not less or more. Make sure both drops are apart" the witch instructed and he carefully complied.

The girl started chanting some words that Damon couldn't understand and the drops of blood started running over the piece of tissue leaving a weak trail of blood behind until both of them stopped. One of the drops was in the upper right side, while the other was closer to the bottom, and more to the right, but probably closer to the center of the tissue than any of its extremes.

"That's you and her. Depending on how far she is once you move enough distance the drop that represents you will start moving. If she does the same her drop will also move. The distance separating you both could be ten or thousand miles, so to actually lead the drops to move you have to make long enough proportionally" she explained as he watched the unmoving drops of his blood.

"I better go; I'll call you once I'm one hundred miles away to see if I'm going in the right direction"

"There's only one problem" she told him and he actually sighed.

"Isn't there always?" he looked at her with a tired gaze. Why did everything have to be so hard all the time?

"I can only do it once in a long period of time and as you lead the tear to start moving, it'll leave a little bit of your blood in the tissue, tracking where you're going. Once there's nothing left of the drop because it'll all be left in your tracks, the spell will stop working" she explained and looked up to the vampire, that didn't seem much affected by the spell's limitation.

"Good thing I can run really fast" he simply said and looking at her almost tenderly he offered his gratitude "Thank you" and with that he was on his way out.

"Where is it you think she is?" Bonnie asked and Damon turning to her pondered if he should say it or not.

"A bar" and then he was gone.

Damon decided to go by car. Although he'd be able to run faster than his Camaro and probably get some shortcuts through the woods it'd wear him down quickly and demand him to stop to feed frequently and he couldn't afford wasting a lot of time. It was a good thing his car was fast and he didn't care about any tickets he'd get in the way. He could always compel the cop to let it go and keep going on his mission.

Soon enough the hundred mile mark had been reached and he anxiously called Bonnie hoping he was moving towards where Elena was, though the possibilities would be still too many in case she wasn't in Georgia.

"It definitely moved since you left but so did hers. You seem to be going in the right direction, but not totally. You're the drop in the center while she's the one in the upper side. While you're moving to the right side, you're not going up. But I guess maybe it's because you're still too far from where she is" the witch filled him about the spell.

"Okay, call me if I suddenly move too much in the wrong direction. I'll call you in another hundred miles" Damon explained and having an agreement he hung up as he took the familiar roads, memories of their road trip coming back to his mind. The way she had pleaded for his life and used her best arguments to stop Lexi's boyfriend from killing him was still alive in his memory. It was one of those moments that he'd never forget. It was when he truly saw for the first time that she cared about him and that she thought he was worth saving.

"Hey, it's me" Elena offered as Caroline answered the phone.

"I know, I've got your number registered in my phone. You do know that being the sheriff's daughter I could easily get your number tracked down, don't you?" the older vampire offered lightly. All the times she spoke to Elena her friend sounded so sad and depressed. She felt like she should try and cheer her up a little bit.

"I'm pretty aware of it, Caroline, but the moment you do it I'll…" Elena's menacing tone actually made Caroline sad. She wished someone could lighten the new vampire's life a little bit.

"I'm just kidding, okay? I know it all sucks Elena but you need to try a little bit harder. Did I ask to be a vampire, no? Will I be depressed the rest of eternity because of it? Absolutely not. I'm enjoying the perks. I'll never have to worry about aging lotions. Now that I'm thinking about it, that's actually pretty amazing! I don't have the patience for all that stuff" the blond cut Elena off but soon got out of her track of thought for a moment and Elena actually chuckled.

"You can trust me, Elena, I already told you that and I'm actually sad that you think that you need to remind me of it every time you call" the upset vampire admitted her feelings, leading Elena to feel a little bit of guilt.

"I'm sorry, Caroline. It's just like... I don't feel like myself in my own skin. I don't know what to do next. I don't know how I'll ever be able to come back and I know I need to come back but everything is so confusing. All those decisions. How do you make them on a daily basis?" Elena brought her free hand to her forehead, then brushing it over her hair.

"It's a battle really. There's this brutal desire inside of me that wants, just once, to drain someone until I'm completely satisfied. Killing those animals doesn't bring any satisfaction. It's actually disgusting and I can't kill puppies like Stefan does. But my main instinct isn't killing them, it's killing humans. But I refuse to listen to the beast. I'm not that person. They say you can turn the switch off but I don't even want to know how because I don't want to lose more of me than I already did. Some days I look at the mirror and I don't recognize the girl in the reflection anymore. I can be brave and fearless at times and that's great but I missed the carefree teenager that only had to worry about clothes and boys. I miss being depressed because the boy I had a crush wanted you instead. I miss feeling silly and ridiculous because now everything is so deadly serious. My decisions aren't about fashion and frivolous stuff anymore. I have to actually decide to do not kill my friends or anyone else. I have to keep a façade to my mother so she won't be suspicious, I have to deal with the fact that in two or three years people will start noticing that I don't get old and I'm not ready to let it go, Elena. I'm not ready to lose all my friends and start a routine of moving around every couple of years, getting new identities, brainwashing people so I won't get caught. But I'm not thinking about those things anymore. I was given a second chance, Elena. If Damon didn't give me his blood I'd be dead now but then I got this second chance to be with those people that I'm not ready to lose. I have a few more years of the life I wasn't ready to give up. When my time is over I'll think about something but until then I'll just try not kill someone in the process and blend the best I can, while I still can" Caroline explained while Elena stayed pensive about everything she was hearing.

"How can you be so positive after everything you said told me?" the brunette was actually shocked.

"Magnified bubbly girl" she chucked softly.

"So it leaves me with a magnified I-want-to-do-the-right-thing girl. I don't want to hurt anyone, not physically or emotionally. I know I already hurt my family and I know I hurt my friends too but I'm the one that's mainly hurt in this and all I can think about is what should I do because I don't want to hurt anyone else and because I want to do the right thing. The right thing was to die but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Suicide even if meaning to kill this monster I became isn't right. And now I don't know anymore what the right thing is because it seems like all my morals have changed. I compel people, I steal, I kill animals; all without much thinking. I can't be around people for more than a couple of minutes because I don't trust this new me enough to know I won't drain them dry. What is the right thing to do, Caroline?" Elena showed all her frustration and she couldn't hold back the tears. She thought she wouldn't feel so bad. Where was this switch that everyone talked about? She wanted to turn it off, she didn't want to be in so much pain.

"Accept it. You won't get anywhere until you truly accept what you really are, Elena and that's not something that I can help you with" Caroline answered with a note of sadness for her friend, who seemed so lost but who still preferred to be alone.

"I know" Elena closed her eyes as the tears fell. She just wished that she could find a way to accept why she was going through this.

AN: Let the searches begin and I promise you there will be Delena interaction next. It was just too much to have the plan here, Caroline having a needed convo with Elena and finding Elena all in the same chapter. Just don't assume Damon is the one doing the finding.

thanks a lot to May for being my beta and editing this chapter.

Thanks a lot for the reviews: TtoboggI; shadylady21 (thanks for the past chapters too); Avecia; bluestriker666; Vampgirl144; mayghaen17; damvampsal21; tsukivamp; Lily; MsMaeve18; DreamtoAspire; jacks-peapod; WhiteLine-Turned-HurricaneGirl; xLoveRyanx and kat.

Keep them coming, talk to you soon

Babi