Disclaimer: See Prologue

A/N: This was begging to be written. It's a little risqué, but it made me and my friend giggle when we improvised it.

"Did my Dad let you have it?"

Sirius smirked. "I'm sure he would have if I'd actually asked him."

"So what happened? What did she say?"

"You know what happened, Harry. I pulled it off."

Lupin raised an eyebrow. "Sorry. Who pulled it off?"

"Okay, we pulled it off."

Lupin winced. "Well, we're getting closer to the truth now, I suppose."

1978

"Come on."

Lupin shook his head. "I don't really want to go. I don't think I should. My Mum's not due back from that bloody nunnery until half nine and I can't leave my Dad on his own in this state."

Sirius smirked. "Pick you up at quarter to ten then."

Lupin sighed. Yet again, he had lost the battle of wills.

Watching them together was surreal. While Peter was effeminate, there was a beauty and grace about Remus that - was he not a total fool at the sight of the female body - would have made James suspicious from very early on. In fact, now that he thought about it, there was the same beauty and grace in Sirius. Indeed, there was a little of it in himself. The only one who was not suspiciously pretty was Peter. Oh, the irony.

He was far from pretty himself and so was Sirius for that matter. Sirius was rather too rugged looking in leather to be considered 'pretty'. Remus was another matter entirely. As much as he carried himself like his father, he had inherited his mother's features, a long, straight nose, long eyelashes, and a thick lower lip. In this lighting, he was worryingly pretty. If he didn't have Lily at home and he wasn't aware that he was a) his best friend and b) a bloke, James might have gone over and tried to buy him a drink.

Watching him dance with Peter, both he and Sirius had the impression they ought to be on Come Dancing.

And either the woman watching them could see Remus was a bloke, or she was a lesbian. Whichever, she did not take her eyes from him, though he seemed oblivious.

"How is it that he gets girls?"

James laughed. "Because he goes all coy on them."

Sirius watched their friend's admirer out of the corner of his eye. She was dressed all in pink and her mousy curls were pinned most unattractively atop her head.

"Merlin's pants!"

James swung round to stare at her. "What?"

"She's the ugliest thing I have ever seen and I had sixteen years of Kreacher bringing me breakfast."

James laughed loud enough for her to hear. She peered at them through brown slits, wrinkling her little button nose.

"Jesus!"

Sirius smirked. "You got a look, eh?"

"It's Dolores Umbridge."

"What?"

She stared back at them and James wondered whether she knew their shared secret, the secret they had kept closely guarded for so long. Certainly, she knew Remus'. He was a pleasant man who had time for everybody, but to hear him talk, she was Satan. Nor was he shallow, and yet he derived an absurd amount of pleasure from commenting on her unfortunate resemblance to a toad.

"Is she eyeing him up?"

"Looks like."

She had not had reason to see Remus since he was six years old. She wouldn't - couldn't - recognise him. But really, she had to be at least forty, making Remus - their Remus, who she had tortured, hurt and broken - half her age.

"I'll kill her if she speaks to him, I'm serious."

Sirius sighed. "I think it might be more fun to watch Remus deal with it himself."

James rolled his eyes. "Which will mean having a nice cup of tea and discussing our issues. No, I don't think so, Pad."

The man himself reappeared at their side shortly after, an awed Peter in tow.

"Fuck me! I'm ruined."

Sirius snorted. "Go and ask her. Bet she'd do it in a heartbeat."

Lupin rubbed black eyeliner down his cheeks. "Shit!" He shrugged. "Sod it."

"What did you give him, Peter?"

Peter tittered. "If anyone was assaulted, it was me."

"I need another drink."

He staggered towards the bar and Peter quickly grabbed the last seat before Lupin could snatch it upon his return.

"Do you think this thing with his Dad might be leading to an alcohol problem?"

"Christ, Padfoot," said Peter, helping himself to a handful of nuts, "that's pretty deep for two a.m." He yawned. "Should they still be serving at this time?"

"Who cares, Pete? Seriously."

James rubbed his shoulder muscle and winced. "I'm going to collapse soon. Shit! We didn't let him go to the bar, did we?"

Sirius scanned the front of the room. "Um…right. I don't want to worry anyone, but I think they're shagging somewhere."

James' jaw dropped. "Jesus, Pad, if he finds out we let him screw Umbitch, he'll skin us alive and wear us at Christenings."

Umbridge's home was as nauseating as the woman herself. The whole place was pink and fluffy. The whole of the passageway was adorned with china plates depicting varies breeds of kittens frolicking amidst buttercup-filled meadows.

Lupin hung up a coat that he was fairly sure didn't actually belong to him, aware that pink fluffy things were usually the perfect mask for a sadistic bitch to hide behind. She was ruthless, he knew that for himself, but she was probably out to kill him anyway. He was walking on thin ice. He was also only half as plastered as he made out.

"Come on up."

She used her wand for the simplest of spells, even lighting the room which was distinctly reminiscent of a whore's boudoir - pink, feathery, fluffy, and just the slightest hint of dominatrix. Good. She'd like this little game.

"Make yourself comfortable." She slid out of her pencil skirt and unbuttoned her magenta cashmere cardigan. Lupin would not have been surprised had her bra been made of pink angora, but he could not bring himself to look.

She lay on her bed and watched him. He took a deep breath. If this was what Anna would have looked like in forty years, he was thanking the Lord for his lucky escape.

Though he loved Anna, that was different. One night stands had to be attractive, that was an unwritten rule, so why was he looking at a semi-naked toad with wrinkles?

This required serious Gryffindor courage.

"Have you got any handcuffs?"

Umbridge smirked and rummaged in her bedside cabinet, producing a steel pair that had to hurt. Either she was incredibly masochistic or they had never been intended for use on the lady of the house.

"Do you like this, you dirty bitch?" Where the hell was this coming from? "Lie back then."

He chained her to her bed posts and began to wonder just how far he was willing to let this go. He pulled at them and Umbridge winced.

"Do I need my wand?" He had left it conveniently on her dressing table, the opposite end of the room, where she had rather foolishly left hers. Anything could happen to a woman when she was so defenseless.

"Better had, dear."

He shuddered. This was like preparing to screw a hated aunt who smelled of cheap perfume and insisted on kissing one as a child. He pocketed it and smirked.

"Well, Dolores, I unfortunately have an appointment I ought to keep. Besides, I had better return the coat I mistook. Have a nice evening, won't you. I hope I haven't inconvenienced you."

Umbridge shrieked. "You're not serious. Let me out of these!"

Lupin faked innocence. "Well, you're a pureblood, aren't you? You should be more than capable of freeing yourself. Anyway, must hurry."

"I can't do wandless magic!"

Lupin winced. "Oh dear. How unfortunate. I'd come back for you but tomorrow's full moon and I might be a little caught up." Umbridge screamed and writhed. "Hope you're not too put out." She tried to sit up and kicked out. "No need to worry yourself there. I'll see myself out. Oh, and before I forget…"

CLICK!

"Goodnight."

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

Lupin shook and gasped for breath. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I was just so angry."

"Remus, this is some seriously fucked up shit right here."

Lupin nodded. "I know. I don't know what to do."

Sirius blew the air of his cheeks. "Well, there's only one thing we can do. How much money can we raise in half an hour?"

"About thirty-two pence," said Lupin, unimpressed.

"Is that enough for a bribe, do you think?"

James smirked. "I know what is. No offence, Moony, this is Umbitch we're talking about. She's not going to want it put around that she propositioned a werewolf for sex, is she? So how about we offer to untie her on the basis that she shuts her frog-mouth and forgets it ever happened?"

Lupin finally smiled. "That could work. Dear God, I can't go to Azkaban. I just can't. People get raped in prison and I don't want a plunger up me."

Peter clicked his tongue. "You read too much crap. It's soap these days."

"Whatever it is, Pete, I don't want it up my arse, all right?" He ran his hands through his hair. "Oh sweet Jesus."

James pushed him into a chair. "Sit down, be good, and for the love of God, I know it's hard, but try not to get into trouble while we're gone."

Lupin nodded.

"And next time you want some action, let me know and I'll castrate you," said Sirius, closing the door behind him.

There was a moment of awkward silence before…

"Remus?"

Lupin raised his head.

"Can I see the picture?"