You Lost Me

Chapter Twenty-Five - Selfless

Stefan felt like those past four weeks were the worst of his whole life. Although Damon seemed uncommonly nice to him and ensured he was giving Elena space for her to adapt, Stefan couldn't brush off the feeling in his stomach. He couldn't find a reason for Elena chasing Damon to impede his departure and kissing him other than history repeating itself. But what had he expected anyway? He stalked her for almost six months before he enrolled at her school and did everything to share as many classes with her as possible, making sure to be as charming and mysterious as possible in the process. He knew girls loved the combination and he wasn't actually surprised when she answered to his subtle, but meticulously planned, moves.

What was he expecting by stalking Katherine's doppelganger? He gathered as much information as possible about Elena and convinced himself that she was the opposite of the vampire that had turned him almost a century and a half ago. He wanted to love her and it was easy when she reminded him so much of the woman he had loved for so long. Being warm, lovely, honest, selfless and sweet made Elena the perfect version of Katherine but he was the one to blame. If he wasn't so obsessed about Katherine, he would have left after he saved Elena's life from the car accident. But he couldn't. He had to give that love a chance. The love he had never had a chance to live.

And then his brother came and could he really judge Damon's intentions and feelings? Actually Stefan thought it took him long enough to show that he felt something else for Elena. Damon never denied his feelings for Katherine and he seemed to have had his closure when he found out she wasn't in the tomb, though he knew when she came back it had affected his older brother. But looking coldly at the facts it seemed like his brother was more honest with himself about his feelings for both women than Stefan had ever been and his biggest fear was that Elena could see it too. He knew he had fallen in love with the teenager. The infatuation and obsession he had when they first started dating was replaced by a genuine love and he hoped the same happened to her. But then why was Katherine's presence so disturbing and hard to handle?

"Missed me?" the vampire said entering his bedroom and he couldn't believe she was there again.

"I sent you someone who wanted to kill you, too bad they didn't find you" he answered fiercely.

"Sending Elijah after me was a bad move Stefan but I know you wouldn't willingly do it. Did you know before being compelled by a vampire that Originals had such powers?" she kept a knowing smile on her face and he looked down quickly before answering.

"He compelled me to tell him what happened to Elena. He didn't need to do it to ask me your whereabouts. I'd freely tell him that" he tried to sound convincing but her smile only grew bigger and he knew he failed to seem honest.

"Too bad that I was around during the whole ordeal and had time to compel Mrs. Flowers to tell him I had left the day before. Surely he checked every inch of this city which is why I had to leave you for so many days. I fooled his senses five centuries ago as a human. I was certainly able to do it again" she nonchalantly explained.

"In this case I might try to contact him again and let him know about your presence" he offered a sarcastic smile.

"Are you going to call Rose again? Did she confirm my story? Or was it Elijah who had the honors?" she quipped.

"You should leave while you can"

"Stefan, you and I both know that you missed my daily visits while I had been hiding and planting lies about my new location for Elijah to follow" she smiled as she lay by his side, her arms propped, while her head rested in her hand.

"I don't miss you, Katherine. I miss my girlfriend, Elena, who is going through hell because of you" he stood up and headed outside the room.

"Don't worry, I'm sure Damon is taking an excellent care of her" she added as she followed him downstairs.

"Why don't you just leave? Nobody wants you around" he hissed as he went to the kitchen and got himself some coffee. He needed something to distract him from her presence.

"Because you're here. What else can I say to convince you? I came back for you Stefan"

"And how many times do I have to say that I'm not interested?" he answered annoyed. He was tired of her cat and mouse game.

"Your body disagrees and I know your heart does too, all you need is a little push" she moved closer to him and they stood just a few inches apart. "You know Elena could have already come back. I'm sure whatever she and Damon are doing could be done here, in the boarding house, except that maybe they're doing something more private" she whispered in his ear but he shoved her away from him and headed outside the house.

"Who knows what Damon is teaching her? I'm sure well-behaved Elena is up to any blood exchange and you know he's her sire and it has a special effect when sires and their creations share blood. That's the only thing their blood bond is about. Maybe Damon is showing how pleasant her new condition can be" she followed him closely, her voice hoarse and deep.

"Elena would never agree to that" he answered as he walked towards the woods.

"Just like she would never kiss him?" she asked innocently.

"Stop it!" the blond snapped, shaking Katherine by her shoulders. He just wanted her to stop saying those things about Elena. He just wanted her to leave.

"I can't Stefan. I won't let her deceive you. Damon deserves it but you don't"

"You, bitch, deceived both of us. You used and manipulated us and cursed us forever" he pushed her forcefully, her body landing several feet away from him.

"I couldn't fall in love with you, don't you understand that? I've been running for centuries. Falling in love with a human, letting the emotions I despised since my whole family was killed take over again wasn't going to help me. I couldn't leave Mystic Falls; I couldn't leave you behind me. I used Damon to distract me. I used him to convince me I never fell in love with you but it didn't work. I have to look out for myself Stefan. I'm not like Elena, I don't have any family or friends left that would look out for me. I only had you and Damon and I know my choices couldn't have been worse back then but I didn't want to feel again. I didn't want to be hurt again. Klaus killed my whole family, even the employees; the whole villa was decimated because of me. My daughter was taken from me before I could even take a look at her because I shamed my father but he never stopped loving me and he didn't deserve to die like that because of me. Why would I want to love someone again? The first two centurie were easy to keep the switch of my emotions off but then it didn't work anymore so I just avoided feeling all together. I was always running not only because of Klaus but because I didn't want to be close to someone long enough to care about them. I made sure everything was a game for me, until you came" Katherine confessed and Stefan didn't know what to say. Although she was pouring out her heart her voice wasn't soft or sweet. She was angry, she was annoyed and she was hurt.

"After so many lies it's hard to see any truth in you, Katherine" he honestly answered, his tone calm and low.

"I know a way that is very easy" she told him and before he knew she was kissing him passionately. He tried to resist at first but she was stronger than him. While he pushed her away, she pulled him closer and there wasn't any space between their bodies. It took him awhile but then he couldn't resist anymore. He reached for her curly hair and tugged it violently between his fingers. The kiss was bruising but they didn't feel any pain.

Katherine let the passion lead their actions but not long after he finally answered the kiss she moved her hands from the back of his head to his face. Her grip was loose, she barely touched him and the intensity of the kiss increased though the force applied by her diminished copiously.

Stefan didn't expect her to react like that but he wasn't able to stop his body anymore. He let go of her hair and his hands moved down to her waist.

"I'm not lying" she said against his lips.

"I can't trust you" he answered but didn't break the contact.

"I'm tired of this. It can't be ignored anymore Stefan. Let me prove it to you" her voice was almost vulnerable but she held her emotions back as much as she could while feeling his lips on hers after so long.

"There's nothing you can do that would make me believe you"

"Yes, there is and I'll show you" she said as she broke their kiss looking at him.

"I love Elena, Katherine. I pretended you were her because I can't go another day without her" he confessed but didn't look at her eyes as he said it.

"Here" she gave him a small bottle with a crimson liquid. He knew the smell too well.

"I feed on animals" he simply answered and looked away.

"If you love her, you need to control it Stefan. I've been sipping vervain for many years now. It hurts and burns like hell but it doesn't affect me as it affects other vampires. The only way of getting over our weaknesses is by fighting them" she explained while she waited for him to take the bottle from her outstretched arm.

"I don't stand a chance against an Original, Katherine. I'll die defending her and the blood will only make me an easier target. I can't control it" he admitted, feeling defeated. Killing him would be easier than killing Damon and he just hoped the two of them and maybe Caroline and Tyler would be enough to defeat the Original but he didn't expect to make it alive.

"You won't die. It's me they want" she said confidently and he looked at her oddly.

"But if they find Elena first they'll kill her instead"

"Take it Stefan" she said through gritted teeth and despite the fierceness in her voice and face, he could see that she was desperately pleading him to take it.

He finally accepted her offer and he could feel his body reacting to the proximity of human blood. He winced and she moved her hand to his arm and held it tightly.

"One sip, maybe a couple of drops every day. You'll be able to get more as each day passes. But don't make drastic additions. One step at time" she looked at his eyes intensely and when he nodded she let go of the arm she was squeezing.

"I only came back here and planned to offer her as the sacrifice Klaus has wanted for centuries because I didn't want to run anymore. But it wasn't running from him that hurt. It was running from you. I had this stupid idea that if I could live in peace with the Originals I could be with you forever. That's why I avoided those stupid feelings. They make you weak and lead you to poor decisions. I'm tired of this, Stefan, I'm tired of being alone and feeling nothing. Spending the eternity like this is a penance" she nearly cried but she was just too good on holding back her emotions. She was an expert on feeling and showing nothing.

"What are you talking about?" he asked her really confused about her words.

"I'll let them kill me instead. Goodbye Stefan" she kissed him lightly in the lips again and just like that she was gone.

"Elena my brother won't enjoy you wanting to die for me everyday" Damon said with a smirk but it didn't reach his eyes. He looked surprised and a rush of emotions crossed his eyes.

"This is not a joke to me Damon" she stood up from her position and turned her back to him. She couldn't believe of all moments she was letting her walls around him crack she chose to do it now, after she almost killed someone. There was so much going on in her head.

"It's not for me either" he assured her but didn't move from his position. The seriousness in his voice told that this was a very important subject to him.

"My head is pretty messed up, I'm trying to understand what I did when I was a human and becoming a vampire in the middle of the process doesn't make it any easier. I have a lot of questions and I don't have any answer to most of them but I'm sure of a few things. I'm sure I hate being a vampire, I'm sure that I love my boyfriend even if for any reason he kissed Katherine over my dead body. I'm sure I don't want to become a monster even if it's in my nature and I'm sure I want you to be a part of my life more now than when I chased your car that day" she started her speech with conviction and a determined voice but finished it with the softest tone she could.

"Elena I'm trying so hard not to be selfish with you. It's not part of who I am and I have to go against every instinct I have to be selfless. Don't make it any harder than it is" he buried his head into his hands trying to keep his position.

"Am I a burden?" she looked at him and seeing how he seemed tired and exhausted in that moment she didn't stop herself from voicing her thought.

"No, of course not. I take full responsibility over my acts. I am the reason why you have to face it all. Assuring that you'll make it as smooth as possible is my obligation. I'll take responsibility over you forever. You know what they say 'You become responsible, eternally, for what you have tamed'" Damon looked at her and he looked so drained but she was hurt by his words.

"Is that what I became to you? An obligation?" her voice cracked as she turned her back to him again.

"Elena… please, I just need to prepare you to be a vampire that you won't hate. I can be around you forever if that's what you want, I told you so but don't make it unbearable and painful" she turned back as he said the last words, she needed to see with her eyes what her ears were hearing. Was Damon sounding broken and his voice cracking?

"I need to know why you're here Damon. I need to know your motivations" she moved to where he was sitting and kneeling in front of him she reached for his hands.

"Why is that important? You have Stefan for all the important moments of eternity, Elena. I'm comfortable being the disdained brother that fades away in the background, unnoticed, but I can't be more than that. I can't bear it, Elena. That's why Stefan deserves you because he can be everything you need and I just can't. I'll fail you more than I'll succeed and I'll hurt you. Can't you see why this is so hard for to me? Every time I hurt you the feeling haunts me for days, weeks even, and I'm sure some of those times will haunt me forever. I can't keep it going"

"You don't need to be in the background. Everybody makes mistakes. I'm sure I hurt you too and I don't need you to be a shadow" she tried to show him the obvious. She didn't know when it changed or to which extend it changed but she needed him in her life as much as she needed Stefan and in her wildest moments – or maybe those were the most honest moments she had – she thought she needed him more than his younger brother.

"I have to!" he nearly yelled, looking at her with pain and desperation in his eyes.

"Shouldn't I decide about it, Damon? I'm tired of everyone making decisions for me! Nobody asked if or when I wanted to become a vampire. Nobody asked how I thought Katherine should be handled. You, Stefan and even Katherine made decisions for me that I was more than capable of doing myself. I don't know if you don't trust my judgment or my strength but I can assure you that I'm strong enough. I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of you ever hurting me and I know you will. I know it'll be painful but that's why forgiveness and compassion exist. There are few things in my life I want more than to know who you really are, Damon. Because I've seen flashes of a man that while flawed is also as honorable as few. The extension of your loyalty surprises me all the time and I know you care! You care about me, why won't you let me care about you?" there was desperation in her voice as she pleaded for him to give her a chance of being around him, not with him standing in the shadows but being an important part of her life.

"Elena, don't go there" he kept his eyes closed as each word left her mouth. They were painful because he knew he wasn't deserving of them. She had such a big heart that was so quick in forgiving him that maybe she didn't realize that he would break said heart until the point of no repair and he wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of destroying for once and for all who she was as much as he wouldn't be able to live without the healing power of her forgiveness.

"I'm not giving up on you, not now, not ever" she held his head firmly with both of her hands. Her fierceness was always so endearing for him.

"I don't deserve you" he finally looked at her and she could see the tenderness in his eyes as he moved one of his hands to rub the side of her face.

"I'm not any sort of saint or superior being that you or anyone else should be deserving of being around" she matched his own gentleness.

"This isn't about you, Elena. You have the purest and most forgiving heart I know. Your selfless nature against my selfish one will hurt you time after time. I would become a burden too heavy for you to carry but I know you would never give up on me. I can't allow you such a curse now that you're immortal. It's not about how good you are because although everything I said about you makes you incredibly good it doesn't make you unflawed. It's not about my inability of avoiding the moments that will break your heart either. Neither my dark and disoriented nature. Those bad things about me don't make me undeserving of you because I think of myself too much to ever think something like this. But my love for you does. It's my love that will eat me from inside every time I see you crying because I didn't think before doing or saying something. It's my love for you that won't let me forgive myself for condemning you to this life, for almost killing your brother, for threatening your life and even threatening to turn you myself. I love you, Elena and because I love you I can't be selfish with you" he stopped caressing her cheek and moving slowly he reached for her forehead with his lips and touched her softly before standing up and heading inside the house, leaving a stunned Elena behind him.

AN: Sorry guys but I couldn't help and have my own version of Damon's confession to Elena. Surely I didn't include compulsion here, it was just a way for him to keep her away from him without hurting them both.

I also took the opportunity to go deeper and why he thinks it's selfish to admit it and why he doesn't deserve her.

As for SK... should we believe Katherine. Do you believe? We'll find out soon where she went to and why. But she's getting little by little under Stefan's skin, just like I hoped, expected and really wanted to happen in the show but I guess that's not gonna happen :P

Thanks to May for being my beta to this story and to my loyal and amazing reviewers: Madagascar95; EtherealDemon (for all the past chapters); Silvina, DelenaAlways; DreamtoAspire; Avecia, jacks-peapod; xLoveRyanx; TtobogiI (Brazucas!); ahhh. HollyGolightly1985; damvampsal21; mayghaen17; bluestriker666; kat; tsukivamp and MsMaeve18.

Talk to you soon

Babi