Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times. ~ Kate L. Bosher
Jim stood looking out his living room window at the ocean crashing onto the shore. The sky was heavy and dark. It would probably rain before the day was out.
He sighed softly and sipped his coffee, looking at the Christmas tree that was still listing slightly to the right. Either he'd take it out tomorrow or Hikaru would. Made no real difference. Christmas had been two weeks ago. He and Bones had only gotten home from Tajikistan last night. This morning. 3 a.m. Bones was still asleep, just like Jim should be. Willie was in the guest room. He'd return to Arizona later today. Or tomorrow. Hardly mattered.
At least their mission had been successful. Grigory Illich-Svitych was once again Prime Minister of Tajikistan. He and Gaila were appreciative and humbled and now life-long friends. Good to have friends in high places. Good to have friends period.
Winona had left the day after Christmas. Jim regretted not having any time to spend with her but she understood. He wasn't sure where she was but he thought maybe California? Tokyo? He'd call her later and check. Or he'd ask Chris. Either way.
"Why are you up?" Bones demanded as he entered the living room, one hand bunched in his hair.
Jim shrugged, turning to look at his friend. Bones would have to be blind not to see the misery in those blue eyes which so rarely sparkled with anything but life and no small amount of mischief.
"I'm sorry," Bones said uselessly. "Are you calling him today?"
Jim shrugged again, returning to his silent contemplation of the ocean.
"I know," Bones agreed, pouring himself some coffee. He held the pot up to Jim in question. When Jim shook his head, Bones returned it to the maker. "You sleep at all?"
"No," Jim said. "Maybe I'll leave."
"No you won't. You think that's what you want. But it's not," Bones told him quietly.
"Maybe I want a real life. One that includes Christmas and New Year's. And sleeping on a regular basis."
"And a month later you'd be climbing the walls in boredom," Bones said. "You always feel this way when we first get home. Plus we thought we were going to have time off."
"Yeah. Grigory promised not to call us again for at least a week," Jim joked lamely.
"Big of him," Bones agreed.
"I thought so. Do you have any idea where Winona is?"
"No," Bone said.
"Me neither. I'm going for a run."
"You know it's 14 degrees outside, right?"
"Oh. 14?" Jim said, looking again out the window. "Is it supposed to snow?"
"45% chance. Come on. I'll make you pancakes," Bones said, going into the kitchen.
"I'm not…."
"I know you're not. I don't care. You're eating anyway," Bones informed him with a frown. "Sit. You are eating."
"When did you become the boss of me?" Jim asked, engaging in their standing routine. Was it any wonder their friends called them Abbot and Costello on such a regular basis?
Bones gave his standard reply, Jim telling him to stop being so grumpy, Bones coaxing Jim into eating his pancakes with a minimum of fuss.
"What are you doing today?" Jim asked Bones as he tidied the kitchen.
"Not a whole lot. If I wake back up in time, I may go over to Nyota's for lunch. You want to come?"
"I wasn't invited," Jim laughed. "Is it just lunch?"
"Stop being such a child," Bones said, giving him a large glass of orange juice with ice in it.
"I don't want juice."
"I don't care. Drink it anyway," Bones said, sitting at the table and staring at him until he did it.
"I'm fine. Why are you hovering?"
"You are not fine. You are sulking. You have lost at least 10 pounds. You are verging on dehydration because you won't eat or drink anything but coffee."
"I don't sulk," Jim protested, finishing the juice and crunching noisily on an ice cube.
"You most certainly do. And it's not like you don't deserve to be able to. Call Spock. Have it out. Then have sex."
Jim shook his head, eating another ice cube.
"God but you are stubborn," Bones said, shaking his head. "I'm going back to bed for a couple of hours. I'd suggest you do the same but you'll just ignore me."
Jim shrugged innocently.
"Do not go for a run. If I get up and find out you did, I will sedate you," Bones threatened.
"Yes mom." Jim watched him retreat to his room before returning to the window to watch the ocean beneath the heavy sky. He would have liked to run but it really was too cold. And Bones would make good on his threat if he did it.
Jim knew he was over-tired and was sulking, just like Bones said. But there didn't seem to be anything he could do about it. Not right now. He knew equally well that by tomorrow, his personal black clouds would be lifted and life wouldn't seem so…. Well. He didn't have a word for it.
When the phone rang, he considered ignoring it. He knew that there was better than a 50-50 chance it was Spock. They hadn't spoken since Spock had called him in Tajikistan. Jim had talked to Pike who said Spock had called once. Chris didn't provide any details about their conversation but Jim didn't need confirmation that he was the main, if not the only, topic.
When the ringing stopped short of the machine picking up and started back immediately, he conceded to the inevitable and answered. "Hi Spock."
"Jim," Spock said, his voice toneless. "Did I wake you?"
"No."
"Can you come for lunch?" Spock asked.
"Is there any point?" Jim asked.
"We have much to discuss."
"Not necessarily."
"You have already determined my reaction to your secret identity?"
"I'm not Batman," Jim said, an edge of impatience in his voice.
"I did not intend to imply that you are, Jim. I am requesting that you listen to me before you determine that I disapprove."
"I'm not looking for your approval," Jim retorted.
"That you are angry is unfortunate," Spock said, his voice harder and decidedly less friendly. "I am not the cause."
"How do you know?" Jim demanded. "Maybe I'm pissed because you called. Maybe I don't want to talk to you. Maybe I'll break my contract and go to another publisher."
"Please call me when you are less irrational," Spock said, hanging up in Jim's ear.
Well. Jim admitted to himself he totally deserved that. And Spock did not deserve his anger. He was right – he'd done nothing to cause it.
"Hey," Jim said when Chris answered.
"Go to sleep. You'll feel better when you wake up," Chris said.
"Are you psychic? Is that how you know why I'm calling?"
"I have ESPN. Among other things. And you sound like hell. You haven't slept since you got home. I doubt you slept very much over there. Unless I miss my guess, you just talked to Spock."
"You have frighteningly unnatural talents. You really are a Jedi, aren't you?"
"Maybe. Seriously. Go to bed. Take one of Bones' magic yellow pills. A good 12 hours of sleep will provide you a whole new perspective. Then you can call Spock and tell him you are sorry you were such an ass."
"What would be the point?" Jim asked.
"Jim," Chris said in nearly tangible sympathy. "He wants to be more than your editor. He knows that it's not going to be easy. You can't let your terror of anything that smacks of commitment ruin the possibility of a really good thing."
"I am committed to Bones," Jim protested.
"Hardly the same," Chris reminded him. "You told me that you really really like Spock. You are willing to risk catching the cooties to be with him. Go back to bed. When you finally wake up, call him."
"Okay," Jim sighed. "Then will you come over so we can open Christmas presents?"
"Yes," Chris laughed. "I'll come for dinner."
"Okay," Jim agreed. "If we're still asleep, take whatever you want. We won't notice."
"I do know that," Chris said. "I'll see you at 6."
"Good," Jim said, hanging up. He immediately dialed Spock who answered after five very long rings. "I'm sorry."
"I accept," Spock said.
"Can you come out for lunch tomorrow? I'll make you plomeek soup if you send me the recipe." Jim could hear Spock's barely disguised smile on the other end of the phone.
"I will come. I do not require plomeek soup. Potato soup will be fine."
"Okay. I'm going back to bed now. When I finally wake up, I'm sure I'll have a much better perspective."
"It sounds as though you already do," Spock said warmly.
"Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow."
"I'm looking forward to it," Spock agreed, hanging up.
~o0o~
The sleep barely wanted to release Jim as he groggily surfaced to the sounds of voices in the living room. He considered remaining in bed, pretending he was still asleep, but that would be childish and immature. Were those the same? Shouldn't a writer be more articulate than that? Should he be laying in bed arguing with himself?
Sighing, he got out of his warm, cozy bed and hurried over to his bathroom. After a quick shower, he felt a little more human.
He wasn't surprised to enter his living room to find it practically overflowing with friends. They were on every available surface, the couch filled with the lounging and entwined Hikaru and Pavel. Bones was in his recliner, snug with Nyota in his lap, her fine jean-clad legs over one arm. Chris was in the armchair, talking to Scotty who was sitting on the ottoman facing him. Willie was stretched out on the floor, leaning up against the stones of the fireplace. Jim thought he might be too warm but he didn't seem concerned. Sam and Denise Giotto were talking quietly in the kitchen, waving over at Jim when they saw him wander in.
"Did I miss dinner?" Jim asked with a yawn.
"Nope," Bones said. "Another 20 minutes."
"Kay," Jim acknowledged. "What are y'all making?"
"Meatloaf and mashed potatoes," Sam told him.
"Yum." Jim sat on the floor at the end of the couch, wondering why they didn't have more chairs. There always seemed to be plenty before.
"We're opening presents after dinner," Chris informed him. "Will you be awake?"
"I'm planning to be," Jim said. "What do we have to drink?"
"Depends," Bones said. "What do you want?"
"Eggnog," Jim said, watching Chris drink his.
"You're allergic to eggnog," Nyota said, shaking her head at him.
"Am I?" he said, yawning.
"Probably," Bones laughed.
"Hmm…." Jim said.
"Ve vill get you some," Pavel said, jumping up, Hikaru following him into the kitchen.
"This year," Jim yelled after them.
"Yeah, yeah," Hikaru responded from near the pantry.
"Why don't they just make-out out here?" Jim asked no one in particular.
"Why are you shouting?" Willie asked, making everyone else laugh.
"He always does," Sam laughed as he delivered Jim a glass of eggnog. "It has some Christmas spirits in it."
"Thanks," Jim said, sipping it. "Mmm… Just right."
"Thanks. I live to serve," Sam said, standing over him to smile down at him.
"Where are the kids?" Jim asked Sam.
"What kids?" Sam laughed.
"They're overnighting at my mom's," Denise said from the kitchen. "Sam, please come mash the potatoes."
"At least Denise knows," Jim said with a laugh as Sam returned to the kitchen.
"A mom always knows," Denise reminded him. "Someone needs to come in here and set the table."
"Hikaru and Pavel are still in the pantry. They can do it," Bones said.
"Come on Dr. Grumpy," Nyota said, sliding off his lap and holding her hand out to him when she stood in front of him.
"Yes ma'am," he agreed, following her into the dining room.
"What is today?" Jim asked no one in particular.
"Saturday. January 8," Willie told him.
"Okay," Jim said. "You staying until tomorrow?"
"I am," Willie agreed.
"Sam is flying him to Arizona in the morning," Chris added.
"I thought I was," Scotty said, taking Jim's eggnog from his unresisting hand to drink from it.
"You can go if you want. Sam volunteered," Chris said.
"Okay," Scotty said with a shrug.
"Come with me," Sam requested. "We'll buzz over to California. Thaw out then come home."
"You can't use the Consortium shuttles for joy riding," Chris told them, trying unsuccessfully to sound stern.
"Fine," Sam said with a shrug, helping Denise put the food on the table.
"We're ready," Denise said, everyone migrating into the dining room to take a seat. Once Hikaru and Pavel emerged from the pantry, the table was a little crowded, but nobody minded the tight quarters.
Dinner was an unqualified success, Jim proposing to Denise after his third helping of meatloaf. Sam said it was fine with him but Jim had to take the children too. Package deal he said. Jim graciously declined.
After they had finished eating, they returned to the living room, opening presents with much laughter and friendship shared. Jim got an impressive number of briefs, some with cartoons imprinted on them – his favorite the Star Wars ones that Chris gave him.
Leonard also got briefs, none of them as impressive as Jim's. He also got a hip flask which he declared the perfect size to fit in his doctor's bag.
Nyota loved the watch Leonard gave her, many oohs and aahs at the presentation. She also liked the earrings Jim gave her, certain that Leonard had picked them out.
Chris enjoyed the gifts he received, glad there was no underwear in any of his packages. There were mysteriously gifts for Willie, Sam, and Denise, no one questioning that Christmas magic.
Hikaru and Pavel loved opening their presents, declaring that everyone had to play the new Einstein Monopoly Chris gave them. Some tried to decline but their persuasiveness was not to be denied. About the time everyone owed their souls to Pavel it was declared bedtime.
Jim and Bones said good-night to those leaving, some staying and retreating to their designated rooms. Nyota slipped into Leonard's room, a couple of wolf whistles following her. She just ignored them, closing the door against their childish nosiness.
Jim wandered into his bedroom, sitting on the edge of his bed and looking over as Bones entered, closing the door.
"You okay?" Bones asked.
Jim shrugged, waiting as his best friend sat next to him.
"I know. Do you want me to make myself scarce when Spock comes tomorrow?"
"No. I'd rather have you here. If he doesn't like it…" Jim said, trailing off and laying down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. "It'd be a lot simpler if you and I were…"
"It would. But we're not. Spock will accept you for who you are. Or he won't. He doesn't, then it's his loss."
"He talked to Sarek. He has to know most of the truth. And he's still coming to lunch. So," Jim said with a shrug.
"That's good at least."
"Yeah. Chris thinks I have commitment issues," Jim said.
"That's because you do," Bones reminded him. "You always have."
"And?" Jim laughed softly. "Except with you."
"Because you can walk away from me any time you want."
"But I never will. I have abandonment issues too."
"You are a complete mess," Bones said affectionately. "Do I need to give you a sleeping pill?"
"No. The spiked eggnog helped. And I don't have hives."
"A pleasant change of pace," Bones acknowledged. "If you need me, don't worry about knocking. All we'll be doing is sleeping."
"Kay. Thanks." Jim watched Bones leave his bedroom, silently thankful for having such an exceptional friend. He didn't think he deserved all the love the Bones had for him but it was definitely reciprocal. And appreciated.
Resolving not to think about it any more, Jim got ready for bed, relaxing as sleep came over him.