You Lost Me

Chapter Thirty-One - Rebuilding

Her words finally sunk in and Damon couldn't believe they were true but they had to be. There she was, wearing the sundress he bought her three years ago, after spending those many months in his house waiting for him when she had no idea if he was ever going to come back at all. Maybe she knew him better than he thought and somewhere along their first stay there she realized that he liked that place better than any other he had lived in the past century and a half.

"You never lost me" his words were soft as he looked at her with a tender gaze.

"I almost did and it was the most unsettling feeling I've ever had. If I had let you leave that day I don't know what I would have done with my life" she moved one of the hands on his shoulder to his cheek and he moved his own hand to cover hers.

"But you stopped me and that's what really matters. I was leaving because no matter how much I tried to suppress my feelings for you, they were just there and I couldn't afford to hurt that much. It was driving me insane and I can be really unpredictable when I'm not in my right frame of mind" his voice was calm and collected like she never heard before.

"I'm in love with you, Damon" she repeated her words from a few minutes ago. They were now absolute, not mixed in a speech and Damon's only reaction was a strangled smile. Knowing that Elena loved him back was bewildering.

"I love you, Elena" he whispered fixing his smile into a grin and leaning down he kissed her again. Their first kiss had been tentative and filled of uncertainty and anxiety but the second was totally different. Damon explored her mouth in all its extension but still gently. Both of his hands held her face in place while Elena's arms fell to her side. The two vampires didn't need air and soon the tender kiss became hungry and their hands moved over their bodies. Elena loved how the feel of his toned muscles felt under her hands. She let them explore his arms, shoulders and back and she felt her arousal being built with just the feeling of his upper body.

Damon let his hands travel through her midsection until they found her breasts. He cupped them and moaned against her lips. Her body was amazing and her breasts filled his hands perfectly, not too big or too small, just the exact size to his resourceful hands.

Elena removed his hands from her body and before he had time to question she jumped and wrapped her legs around his waist while she held his face and deepened even more the kiss, letting her tongue slid through the roof of his mouth and then entangle with his.

"How do you want to do this?" he said when they broke up the kiss, their facial muscles slightly sore for the multiple minutes kiss.

"What?" she asked confused while she stayed attached to his body.

"This, whatever it is we have now, how do you want it to be?" he held her waist firmly as he looked at her eyes, getting lost in them.

"I want to be with you" she said sounding and looking almost desperate.

"As my girlfriend?"

"As whatever you'll have me be" she smiled to him, the word girlfriend had a new meaning to her ears. It seemed like it was a totally new and different thing when said by Damon.

"Can I have you in my way?" he leaned down and kissed her neck, sensually, and for a moment she thought he was going to bite her.

"Hum Hmm" was all she could answer as she felt his skilled tongue exploring her neck.

"I want everything, Elena. I don't want to miss anything" he continued the work of his mouth on her sweated skin.

"I'll give you everything you want, Damon" she misread his words.

He moved them to his bedroom; the one she had been using all those months knowing it was his. He sat her on the bed and keeping a small distance between them he was across from her.

"And that's why we should stop it now. This thing with us could go wrong in so many ways. I'm too selfish and reckless and I'm impulsive and stupid sometimes and I'm ridiculously jealous and possessive" he explained and she frowned slightly not knowing where he was taking the conversation.

"Damon I know it all, except for the jealousy but given your past with Katherine I guess that's expected" she answered as she watched his reaction carefully.

"What I'm saying Elena is that I can mess this up in more ways than you can count and I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to have you and then let my inability to be emotionally involved push you away. I want this thing between us to work but we already have a baggage and things were never easy between us"

"Is this your way to say that we should take things slow?" she was amused by his speech but she didn't let it show. She could see in his eyes he was dead serious about every word he said.

"No, that's my way to say we aren't taking things at all"

"What?" she nearly cried as she heard his answer.

"I need to know what happened in those three years, I need to know where you stand as a vampire. Our last night here was the night when you almost killed a boy Elena. We were so messed up three years ago and I just think that we should continue from where we stopped before taking the next step" his face showed how it hurt him to ask her to back off but it did nothing to comfort her heart from the heartbreak.

"I don't understand why it's necessary, Damon. Didn't we just uncover the fact that we love each other?" her voice cracked more than she wanted to show but her deception was overwhelming.

"I can't just jump in bed with you like we were sex buddies, Elena. Things between us were always complicated and I honestly don't believe just pretending they never existed and that love can win all will be enough to make it work. I'm putting in an effort here because I want it to last and God knows how much I want to claim you as mine, to have my way with you until our bodies can't take it anymore but then what? Then we just do something horribly wrong, you won't talk to me, I'll be cursing myself and we'll be done"

"I guess I understand it" she didn't hide her disappointment and surprise. That wasn't what she had expected from him at all and while she should be happy that he was trying to be responsible and serious about them together, she waited him for three long years, with nothing in mind but being with him in every possible way as soon as she laid eyes on him again. "So we're back to friends?" she asked.

"That's just it Elena, we never went back to being friends again. We came from friends to people that couldn't be around each other anymore, from that to a tough adaptation when you were lost and I was guilty and then we became strangers for three years" he could see she was hurt by his take on this an so he moved his hand to rub her cheek "It's just an attempt, I don't know how long I will resist your beautiful face, don't be mad or sad or hurt. This is you and me regardless of the status of our relationship. I missed you. I missed all of you" he leaned down and kissed her again, tender, softly and briefly.

"Okay" she smiled to him for the first time since he started explaining what he wanted from her.

"I don't object to kissing though" he offered her his usual smirk that she loved so much. He had a beautiful smile and her heart fluttered when he offered it to her in special moments but she loved his usual smirk and innuendos. And seeing him being himself again reminded her heart of everything she went through while he wasn't there.

"I missed you" she said and she couldn't understand why but she was now crying. The hardest part of their reunion had been discussed but only now she felt the tears leaving their ducts to wet her face.

"Hey, hey. I'm here. What is it?" he brought her to his chest before he could rationally think about his reaction. He didn't understand why she was crying, especially like that. He could almost feel her pain through her tears.

"It's just that some days I questioned if I'd see you again. I used to hold your mother's frame against my chest when I thought you wouldn't come back. I didn't know if I was silently asking her to somehow tell you to come back or if I was embracing myself to the hope that you would only keep a picture of her where you could call home. It gave me hope through most days especially when I was afraid you would never come back" she was already sobbing while he brushed her hair soothingly, surprised by both of her revelations.

"How did you know it was her?" he asked.

"I came across the original picture while I was reading one of your books. I read them all and listened to your albums. I slept in the bedroom you used to sleep in until your scent wore down completely. I tried to do everything I could to feel close to you again but nothing was enough and then some days… some nights… I had the most horrible nightmares of you dying and then months passed, then they became years and you didn't come back. I was afraid, Damon… I was afraid" she increased her grip around him and continued crying copiously while he stayed stunned.

More than once Elena had surprised him to lengths he didn't know was possible and he was sort of dumbfounded. "Why did you do it, Elena?"

"Because you were all I had left. I gave up on my family the day I told Jeremy I wasn't ever coming back to Mystic Falls. I gave up on Stefan when I still had a chance against Katherine but it was the right thing to do. I gave up on the world when I decided waiting for you was the only thing I could do, when I decided you were the one person I still wanted in my life. At first I didn't know I was in love with you but I had this strong feeling inside of me, this undeniable and unstoppable draw to you and I knew all I needed was you. Then when misery started to eat me up from inside I realized I was in love and being away from you made me miserable. I looked for Bonnie and Lucy but they didn't know any spell that could tell me where you were if they didn't have any blood connection to use. I had your blood in mine but you didn't have mine and there was nothing they could do. I was hopeful for most of the days but when the bad ones came I wondered if I hadn't lost totally the reason to live as a vampire. I had no family and no friends that I could really go to. It wasn't only about the fear of losing you forever Damon, it was also desperation of being lost forever" she explained as her tears continued to stain his shirt.

"I'm so sorry Elena, I had no idea I had put you in so much pain" he offered honestly, while he drowned in what he had learned was the worst feeling he ever felt: the suffocating pain of knowing he had hurt her.

"Thank you for coming back" she grabbed his shirt in a deadly grip, almost ripping it apart.

"If I knew you were waiting for me I would have never left in the first place" he muttered as he kept soothing her and all her exhaustion and suppressed feelings of almost forty months took over and she was soon sleeping in his arms.

She didn't sleep a lot and she felt a lot better when she woke up, still in his bed, with his toned body under hers.

"Hey" he said as soon as he realized she was awake.

"Hi"

"Feeling any better?" he asked softly and she only nodded. She didn't know how to react. She understood what he proposed, he wanted to fix things before taking the next step, fix their friendship and help her if she needed but the lines were blurred. He kissed her more than once and now she was resting on his chest. It was confusing and it was complicated.

"I guess…" she answered vaguely.

"I guess we should start with what happened to you in those three years. How are you dealing with… blood?" he asked and felt her tensing up in his arms.

"I compelled people in the hospital a few times" she kept her answer still reticent and Damon didn't like it.

"Elena, it's been three years, a few times doesn't cover it. When was the last time you fed?" he looked down at her seeing that she looked different and it must have been the shock of seeing her and then her words that kept him from realizing it. She was too pale, basically bones and skin.

"I don't know" she honestly answered sighing quietly.

"Look at me, Elena" she did as she was told and he paid as much attention as possible to her. He slightly grimaced, forcing his lips together and then looking away.

"I'm getting you blood now" he informed as he started to stand up.

"Please, Damon, don't go. I've been without it for a week I can do without it for a few more hours"

"A week Elena?" his eyes widened. He drank blood every day and sometimes it felt like it wasn't enough. How could she go many days without it?

"I guess, I had to go to Raleigh because I didn't want to draw unnecessary attention to the town's small hospital. I'm not even sure they have a blood bank there. Anyway, every time I went there I saw that boy's face in the middle of the people. I was so nervous and so afraid. The first time I got about fifteen bags and I used them as wisely as possible because I didn't want to go back there. But months passed and I had to go back. I went to a different hospital and despite of all suspicions I knew it would raise I got twenty-five bags and then I went two more times"

"So you're telling me that you've had not even one hundred bags of blood to survive on the last three years? It means you drank less than a bag by week, Elena, it can't be healthy"

"It was hard Damon, I didn't have anyone. Caroline left Mystic Falls after graduation; she couldn't be around for much longer anyway. How was I supposed to convince people to give me blood?" she reasoned and he knew she was right. He didn't give her time to protest and before she could react he was already out of the bedroom. She was too weak to follow him. Their encounter had been too emotional for her and she felt even harder the lack of blood.

He was back before she had time to have another thought.

"Do you have blood in the car?"

"Of course I do, I don't feed on people anymore" he answered somewhat shy. He had changed after her and he wasn't embarrassed about those changes but he was a little timid about sharing them.

"Thank you" she said and soon she emptied the bag he had given her and once she was done he gave her another.

"I don't want you to ever starve yourself again. I'm taking care of it but if for any reason I'm not around, you just go there and do it. The boy is alive and I'll teach you to feed from humans if you allow me to" he offered and she only nodded while she sucked the second bag.

"Why wouldn't you be around?" she asked after she was done.

"Vampires don't actually live forever, Elena. The oldest we've heard of was Klaus and he had lived over a thousand years but still he died"

"Not sure I'd have anything to look forward if you're ever… gone" she whispered looking down at her hands.

"No suicidal talking Elena. That's the one thing that will enrage me more than you want to see" he warned her and she could already see the darkness in his eyes and how his entire demeanor changed.

"So don't die first" she looked up, slightly and their eyes locked.

"I'll do my best" he pulled her hair off of her face and was happy to see some of her vampire color had come back already to her beautiful face.

She could see the look of admiration while he touched her and she just wanted to kiss him but she didn't know how it worked. Actually it bothered her that he said they weren't ready to be in a relationship yet but still kissing was allowed somehow. She didn't like blurred lines.

"Where do we stand now, Damon? I understand and I see what you mean when you say we need to fix our relationship before we take it to the next level. But you don't oppose to kissing" she asked him with a tad of uneasiness in her facial expression.

"I stand right here with you. We learn how to trust each other again, how to depend and lean on each other. I help you with the blood and whatever else you need me to and when we feel the time is right we take the next step" he explained and didn't stop caressing her as he talked.

"But I don't see a lot of people kissing while they're working on building those things. I know you aren't my boyfriend and I'm not used to kissing people just for kissing. It's weird and I never know when to kiss, if I should kiss or not. I don't like gray, I like things always black and white" she showed her frustration and he smirked slightly.

"Tell me if it feels like kissing for kissing and it'll be your answer" he leaned down slowly, looking at her with a smile in his face until their lips touched and he kissed her briefly, as before.

"No, it doesn't"

"Do whenever you want. It's just two lips puckering; it couldn't be any more friendly. Take it as just a reminder of how much I love you and that I can't wait until we fix this" he leaned down and kissed her briefly before resuming her report of the past three years.

AN: Well I don't think they could just jump into a serious relationship like the past four years didn't happen. They have issues to handle before they can take this step. They need to trust each other again, to talk things through, to reconnect as friends and then as lovers. I hope you don't disagree (much) but I won't write all those things down, just the most important, the others will be just mentioned. For example I already wrote him helping her with human blood, I guess I don't need to write it again but just let you know the progress she made there.

Next chapter has a heartbreaking moment. If you're like me, who cries watching TV commercials, take a tissue.

Thanks a lot for the reviews, I hope you still have a lot of them to me :)

Also I want to thank my beta, May for her great job.

xoxo

Babi