You Lost Me

Chapter Thirty-Two - Emotional

They made a lot of progress in the three weeks that followed. Elena was letting her fear of feeding go because he was there for her every step of the way just like he had promised her. It wasn't easy but far less difficult than she had expected. Everything was easier with him around. They were rebuilding the deep trust and respect they once had and as each day passed she knew he was absolutely right in his insistence for them to do it before moving to the next level.

She still liked to take long walks along the beach but unlike three years ago, he was by her side for each of them now. In one of the last occasions they were walking she let her hand slip into his, waiting for him to reject her but it never happened. Since then not only had they talked about many things but also held hands during their walks. She had finally felt confident enough to bring up some subjects she'd been avoiding since he was back but that she wanted to talk about not only because of curiosity but also because there were some things that needed to be fixed that didn't involve only the two of them.

"You never speak about your mother. All I know is that she died while Stefan was too young to remember anything relevant and even this I heard from Stefan, not you" she asked and she could see it was a hard subject for him from the way he almost let go of her hand, taking a slight pause during their walk.

"She was there one day and in the next she was sick, it wasn't even a week later before she was dead" he kept his eyes fixed on the horizon, his neck tensed and his hand barely touching hers.

"How old were you?"

"Ten"

"It must have been hard on you" she offered seeing how it was still difficult for him.

"You could say that" he smirked slightly as he resumed their walk.

"What was her name?" she asked curious. The picture she had found in one of his books included the whole Salvatore family. She remembered how her heart fluttered in her chest when she saw a young Damon standing next to his parents and a toddler Stefan by his big brother's side, holding his hand.

"Cecilia Salvatore" he answered proudly.

"It's a beautiful name"

"Not as beautiful as she was" his voice was reminiscent and filled with tenderness.

"Yes, she was very beautiful"

"That picture never did her justice"

"You look a lot like her" Elena offered a smile that he couldn't see because he had yet to look at her again

"Actually…" he started and taking a deep and unneeded breath he continued "You remind me a lot of her"

"Why? I could say we're quite the opposite" Elena said remembering the features of the beautiful woman with pale skin, blue eyes and dark hair. Although her hair was also dark, Cecilia's was curly, like Katherine's and much darker than her own. It was even darker than Damon's.

"That's because you only have two things in common with her" he could sense in her voice that she was smiling and it led him to look even more firmly ahead, not daring to look at her. He knew talking about his mother was like entering no man's land. He didn't know what to expect except a loaded rush of emotions running inside of him.

"The white of her eyes and teeth?" she said playfully trying to make him relax but he didn't although he finally looked at her again.

"The smile and the heart" he looked down at her.

"Oh" she answered back and if she still had the ability, she would be blushing then.

"But it's a good thing that you only have this in common. Falling in love with my mother's carbon copy would be sick even for me" he looked away but not quick enough to prevent her from seeing the hint of pain in his eyes.

"Were you close?" she used her thumb to stroke gently the side of his hand.

"You can say that" he vaguely answered back.

"It must have been hard on you"

"You can also say that"

"I'm sorry. A child doesn't deserve it. You didn't deserve it" she squeezed his hand timidly and he stopped in his tracks again but this time he held her hand so strongly that she felt her bones were about to crack.

She moved from her position and stood in front of him, reaching for his other hand too while he kept his eyes focused on the distance behind her but pain was written all over his face.

"I know how it feels. I've been there, remember?" her voice was gentle and filled of affection and even compassion. Damon didn't mind the pitiful feeling though. Losing his mother broke his heart and he knew compassion was what he should have received from people back then but somehow he didn't.

"It's just…" he said his lips quivering hard trying to suppress the crying and hold back his emotions "Nobody…" he tried again but failed, he couldn't keep looking at her if he wanted to say those words he needed to say, so he looked away and closed his eyes before opening them again and speaking "nobody ever told me that" and with that a lone tear fell down from his eye. It seemed like they were never that blue before and the tears made them shine even more. Elena felt her heart shattering in her chest. It was painful to watch him in such pain but his pain made him look even more beautiful, though she hoped she could take his pain away.

"Said what?" she asked stunned. It couldn't be what she thought but the more she watched the man in front of her breaking, the surer she was it was exactly what she was thinking.

"Nobody told me they were sorry, nobody tried to comfort me. I didn't even receive the fake condolences from our neighbors. It was reserved only to my father as if he was the only one who lost her" Damon said through clinched teeth, not out of anger, but out of pain, as a feeble effort to hold back his emotions. But his eyebrows sloped down together showing how emotional he really was. Remembering the days where he didn't have anyone to talk to and when nobody seemed to care about him. Losing his mother was like losing the only source of love, affection, understanding, comfort and joy he ever had. When she was gone Damon had not only to learn how to be a man at age ten but he also had to accept that he didn't have anyone, he was alone.

He looked like he was a boy right now, not the twenty-five year old looking guy he was. Elena couldn't stand to see such pain anymore and bringing him to her arms she held him tight against her, whispering how sorry she was about his loss and how it hurt her to know he had to go through it alone. Soon Damon was crying inadvertently in her arms. The tears progressed to sobs and Elena was sure he never really mourned his mother as a child was supposed to. Nobody had ever allowed him to show his feelings and her heart broke for his.

"I'm sorry" he offered several minutes later. He had calmed down but she didn't let him go and after a long silence and quietness he apologized.

"For what?" she asked confused.

"For this" he simply answered.

She took a step back, breaking their bodies contact but still she held his hand "Don't worry about it. That's what friends are for"

Her smile was warming and comforting and he almost lost himself in her tenderness and affection.

"So thank you" he whispered and she knew what he needed in that moment in addition to her soothing words and consoling touch.

She brought him closer and let her kisses offer the ultimate solace she could offer.

They'd kissed hundreds of time in those few weeks but always briefly and superficially, just a small peck to remind them of where their relationship was headed to but this kiss was different. This kiss was longer and it had an end in itself. It wasn't a reminder or a sign of hope. It was just the expression of their feelings, especially hers. It was the way she had to tell him he would never be alone like he used to be and that she would always be there for him and with him.

Damon understood clearly what she meant because she had never kissed him with such intensity and care. The way her finger stroked his cheek and her other hand rested firmly on his neck. The way her lips were like the hands of love and how she even moved her head slightly to cause friction between their faces and her nose caressing his. It was her way to show him she loved him and that he would always have her with him.

A few moments later they broke apart and she smiled tenderly to him before she led them to resume their walk. There were a few other things she wanted to talk about with him but she knew she should wait some time, probably a few days before bringing up another touchy subject. For now all she wanted was to take care of him and to love him. She wanted to do for him what he had been doing for her since they shared that house, even when he kept his distance to give her the space he thought she needed. She wanted to assure him that he would never be alone again and that he had someone who cared deeply about him.

They sat in the front of the fireplace, drinking wine and talking about many different things in their lives. She had one of his books that he recently told her was one of his favorites while he reported some of his adventures in the beginning of last century. He confessed that he had seen a lot of horrible things and even authored many of them but nothing compared to what he had seen in the brief time he spent in the civil war.

"I guess I can finally say it again" he offered her a small but honest smile.

"Say what?" she asked curious.

"That I'm your friend. It was one of the few things I had honestly been proud in my life"

"You shouldn't be proud of it" she frowned a little bit but there was a lightness in her expression, knowing he meant well.

"Yes, I should because before I met you I didn't have what is required to be friend with someone. I wasn't friend material but you showed me each of those qualities, so I have a lot to be proud of and thankful for" he explained. He was serious but she knew he was happy for that.

"And I'm proud of you" she honestly added.

"Yeah. I have a friend after all, it's something to be proud of" he quipped and she knew he was hiding the pain under the fake sarcastic remark.

"I'm not proud of you because you finally have a friend. I'm proud of you because of all the demons you faced off and won. I know your life hasn't been easy Damon and I'm pretty sure I don't know half of things you've been through as a human and then as a vampire. Still despite being hurt so many times, you found a way against your vampire nature and proved how loyal, trustworthy and brave you are to your friends. I'm not your only friend. Carla is your friend and I know Stefan is also. I'm happy you guys were able to fix your relationship"

"I wouldn't say we fixed it. He trusted Katherine and he could be wrong. If she had planned to kill us all that day she would have because he trusted her" there was rage in his eyes and she knew he was talking from his heart.

"But he wasn't wrong about her" she tried to reason but she knew it wouldn't be enough.

"But he could be"

"You shouldn't allow her to destroy the bond you have with your brother. I understand what happened the first time but now everything is fine. They're probably together already and I'm sure he misses you and I know you miss him"

"You don't understand Elena" he shook his head slightly.

"So enlighten me" she challenged.

"I could have lost you. Everything I did back then I did to keep you alive and when Katherine turned you, I did it for you to survive this curse. He claimed to love you so much but still he trusted the woman who killed you!" he nearly yelled and she finally understood why it was such a touchy subject for him to handle. It wasn't about Stefan trusting Katherine, it was about Stefan trusting the vampire who had turned her.

"Is it about that day or when she snapped my neck?" she asked for confirmation.

"You didn't deserve this life. You didn't want this life. She had no right to do what she did. It was unforgivable and still Stefan overlooked it! She killed you and condemned you to this life for eternity. I will never forgive him for forgiving her" there were shades of hate in his eyes and Elena's heart dropped in her chest. She didn't want that life for Damon and Stefan. She didn't want them nearly hating each other. After all the progress they made. She knew they were very important to one another and seeing how Damon felt about Katherine and Stefan she knew it was going to be a nearly impossible mission to convince Damon to let it go but she wanted to believe that if someone was capable of doing so, that person would be her.

"And what about me? Are you going to forgive me?"

"Forgive you for what?" he asked confused and the anger subsided a little in his eyes.

"For understanding why Katherine did it and to a certain extent being even thankful?" she offered in all honesty and she hoped he was able to read her and see it was the truth.

"You can't be serious. I can still see the regret in your face every day, Elena. This is not what you wanted for your life"

"You're right, it wasn't what I wanted for my life but it doesn't mean it wasn't the best I could have. Klaus killed her whole family because she ruined his plans. He would have done the same to my family and friends and I couldn't stand that. My options were watch them be killed, be sacrificed or become a vampire. There was no way you and Stefan could have protected me and everybody I love from him. I know her pain, Damon. I know that I wouldn't want anyone I love to die because of the curse and I know if I had stayed human and eventually had a baby I was passing this curse along. When I think about those things I'm thankful for what she did to me. I won't lie to you and deny that I never asked why me. Why did I have to be the doppelganger? But I don't make those questions anymore. If I wasn't her doppelganger you wouldn't have noticed me. And I know horrible things happened ever since but I think more good things happened than bad things. I can't regret meeting you when I love you so much" she had tears in her eyes as she spoke.

In the three years they had been apart she had thought those possibilities over and over again. She had tried to imagine her life without Damon and even Stefan but she couldn't. They changed her life forever, in different ways, and no matter how many bad things came out of it, they weren't bigger than what she felt for him or what she had felt for Stefan. She cherished her love for the younger brother. She thought she had loved Matt once but it couldn't compare to what she felt for Stefan. She wasn't sure if she would ever feel that way about someone if it wasn't for Stefan. And then Damon came and he rocked her world. He changed her life forever and she knew no one else could have done what he did to her. She felt happy, complete, blessed for being someone who helped him overcome what he had become, who helped him be once again the man she was sure he was one day, while he was still alive. But it wasn't only about how flattered she felt about what she did to him but especially what he did for her. The closest she had been to being herself again after her parents died was when he was around. He was the only one who could bring that girl back and she missed who she used to be. She needed to be with him to be her and that was more than one could ask. He also made her stronger and the many times he saved her life and protected her made her feel important as she never did before. And for all those reasons she couldn't regret meeting him and she should be thankful to Katherine to offer her an opportunity to live many, many years by his side, even if that was never Katherine's goal.

"Elena…" he tried to stop her track of thought. He didn't want her to think he or anything else was worth to live as a vampire because after a hundred and fifty years he knew nothing would make it worth it.

"I know we're fixing things first Damon and I guess I'm not supposed to tell you this but I developed feelings for you while I was still with Stefan, I realized I had fallen for you when you brought me here to take care of me and although it hasn't been a month yet since you're back, I know that I did more than fall in love. I love you Damon and I can't regret meeting you, I can't feel bad about being the doppelganger, I can't punish Katherine for putting me under such a horrible curse because all those things brought me to you and you're worth them all"

"I'm not" he protested.

"That's not your call to make. Every day I spend with you I love you more. Your humanity is beautiful, Damon. You're beautiful and the more I watch you the more I love you. Your compassion, your loyalty, your passion, your bravery, your softness. I don't know if you realized it but all those masks you used to wear are gone. It's only you now. And the view is just beautiful and that man was able to rescue me from my darkest hour. Can't you see it Damon? I needed you to be me again and you needed me to be you again" she let the tears fall and Damon tried hard not let his own to be shed.

"I love what I see Damon" she moved from her position and reached his face, slowly moving her hands all over it, as if she was touching the beauty she had just described.

"I am that good looking" he quipped weakly.

"Yes, you're dashing, gorgeous and irresistible. But somewhere along the way you stopped being wrecked and little by little your true self appeared and that's the most amazing feature you have, Damon Salvatore, your heart, your character" there was a big smile on her face as she said those things and she could see the internal battle in his eyes. She wanted to tell him it was okay to cry, it was okay to be the sensitive man she knew he had been but she didn't. That was something he had to do by himself.

"Is that when I'm finally deserving of you?" he whispered quietly but his voice was filled with hope.

"No, Damon, that's when you will finally see that love isn't about deserving someone. This is when you'll see that love makes us want to be a better person for each other but my love doesn't need you to be any better and I'm sure your love doesn't need me to be any better and that's how we make each other better people simply out of love but all we really need is just each other" she offered and moving her hands from his face she wrapped her arms around him and he enveloped her in his arms as they hugged each other endearingly.

AN: Hey guys! First of all, I wished I didn't include those time jumps (there will be more) and wrote more about their rebuilding their relationship but I can't find my inspiration back to this story. I'm trying to write their love scene for two days and all I got were two lines. I wanted to write more little moments like they had talking about his mother (and that's when I cried because Damon is so hurt, it always makes me cry) and then about Katherine and Stefan. I know I could use a million things but the ideas just don't come, so I'm using time jumps and you assume that they're making progress. I guess living with someone speeds up the process. They were three weeks alone in the house, they're together all the time, unlike the first time they'd been there so I suppose three weeks isn't little time to come around after they had that one needed conversation last chapter (about the day she was turned and their status then). So I'm sorry I'm not writing all those moments I thought I would :(

Thanks a lot to my reviewers and my beta May, you guys are awesome to me :)

xoxo

Babi