Usual disclaimer: Most of the characters are owned by Obsidian and a lot of other people and not by me except for a certain bear-lovin' ranger and an occasional NPC. As always, constructive feedback greatly appreciated!
Chapter 21 The Paladin's New Hobbies.
Orlen tipped his hat, grinned at Dee and said, "Aye, whatever you want, Cap'n," as he made room in his wagon for her mother's chest so Dee could take it back to the Keep. She still wasn't used to such deferential treatment from the elders in the village, and sometimes she felt like a little girl playing dress-up. She hadn't had the will to look inside the chest yet, but it wasn't very heavy so she suspected there wasn't much left. She ran her hands lovingly over her mother's initials carved in the center of a circle of knotwork surrounded by irises, daffodils, and hyacinths on the top of the cedar chest and put the key that opened it in the pouch with her shards. Not that she need worry about losing the key. It had a simple enough lock that she could pick herself, and Neeshka had exclaimed that she could pick it in her sleep. That she hadn't attempted it yet, even though the tiefling was dying to see what was inside it, was a testament to their friendship.
The Widow Jons approached Dee at Orlen's house wearing her best purple silk dress and a wide-brimmed hat with matching ribbons to protect her fair skin from the sun. She carried a small valise and a wicker basket containing her small ginger tomcat, who eyed his surroundings nervously and hissed and spat at anyone who came near. She smiled brightly at Dee and said, "I asked Orlen, and he told me to ask you since you're the captain if I might ride along with him as far as Highcliff so I can catch a ship from there. You see, I've sold the farm to the Mossfields, and I'm plannin' on going home to Neverwinter to start a business."
Dee pushed her hair back behind her ears and replied as tactfully as she could, "Ma'm, 'tis a dangerous journey even with so many skilled swords with us, and we're only stoppin' when we have to rest the horses. There won't be anywhere to sleep but on the hard ground either." She didn't really think the woman would slow them down too much, but she had enough non-combatants to worry about without adding another to their number.
The widow wasn't deterred, however. "Now Dierdre, don't call me ma'm, call me Maisie. I can help with the cooking when you make camp, and you know I can drive a wagon too. You see, I've been savin' and with what I got for the farm I have enough to buy my own place. My aunt is Mistress Arliss of the Bearded Lion, where I worked when I met Lewy. I can go back to work for her, and she said she'd help me start my own place."
Dee raised an eyebrow. She was twelve when she learned from some older kids what it meant when Mrs. Jons occasionally hung out the red lantern, usually when the odd merchant or traveler passed through the village. The rest of the village didn't care as long as it was discreet, knowing that Lewy Jons was too shiftless to make a decent living farming, though one or two grumbled that there should be a law against it (but there wasn't). Dee also was acquainted the Bearded Lion from her time with the Watch. The mistress of that festhall was known to be a priestess of Sharess as well. She tapped her chin in thought for a moment as an idea occurred to her. "A festhall you say? Do you have experience runnin' a business, doin' the books, ordering supplies, and such? Ain't much pleasure in that, but it must be done."
The widow smirked at her. "I did all that and more for my aunt, and I also used to help audition the talent. Besides, there is great pleasure to be found in mundane tasks such as balancing ledger books of neat columns of numbers. It's a matter of attitude."
Dee pondered for a few more moments, momentarily distracted wondering how she auditioned the 'talent.' "There's a large three-storied house at the Keep that adjoins the Phoenix Tail Inn that might be suitable for a festhall. It needs the roof fixed, but 'tis sound otherwise. My 'Cloaks need some kind of...recreation, but I want a clean, safe establishment with reasonable prices, no gambling, and especially no gods-cursed Shadow Thieves. We'll be getting more merchant traffic in too once we start patrolling the roads. You can think about it, and if 'tis not to your liking, I'll send you on your way with an escort to Neverwinter."
Dee was about to walk away, but she frowned as a thought occurred to her, and she turned back and whispered, "Look, about Bish―if you're hoping for something with him, let me warn you that he doesn't care about much of anything but hunting and his wolf." As the words left her mouth they seemed oddly familiar, and to her chagrin she remembered Malin giving her roughly the same warning.
The widow replied with a low, lewd chuckle. "Sweetie, you don't have to be jealous of me. There's only one thing I wanted from him, and I got it four times. Besides, I've no interest in a man who talks about his former lover as much as he talks about you. I think you could get him back if you worked at it."
Dee thought of her discussion with Rhetta and shook her head decisively. "Believe me, 'tis not jealousy. That's never going to happen." She shuddered involuntarily, disturbed by the knowledge that Bishop apparently hadn't moved on as she had assumed. She walked away quickly and busied herself with getting on the road.
Apart from offering him a heartfelt and embarrassed apology later that morning as they prepared to leave West Harbor, Dee didn't speak to Casavir again about what she said or her behavior that night, though try as she might she couldn't forget the softness of his lips on hers. In fact, they made a concerted effort to avoid the subject altogether and only spoke to each other in generalities all the way back to the Keep. She had a habit of touching people lightly while speaking with them, but Shandra observed her casually put a hand on Casavir's shoulder and immediately pull away as if she'd been scalded. Her friends whispered speculations about whether they had had a falling out. There didn't appear to be any rancor between them, however, and they still smiled shyly at each other then looked away quickly. Neeshka observed that if anything, Dee displayed as much longing when she looked at him as he did when he gazed at her. Casavir's nature was reserved, and he wasn't in the habit of confiding in anyone but Tyr; Dee normally told Shandra and Neeshka almost everything but was as taciturn as Casavir on the matter. Bishop smugly interpreted their actions as a sign that the paladin was losing his influence over her.
Dee was beginning to think she was doomed to spend as much time guarding caravans as she did fighting bandits, orcs, and increasing numbers of undead which were still a problem on this part of the High Road. In addition to Orlen and his sons, one of whom had enlisted, they had picked up two more recruits in West Harbor, and she was glad she had the foresight to shove a dozen standard issue gray cloaks wrapped around as many long swords into her magic bag so they at least looked like soldiers. They acquired three additional recruits among the refugees at Fort Locke, and several more who joined up in Highcliff when they met Edario. Before they left the leader of a party of merchants asked to travel with them as there was safety traveling with a small squad of Greycloaks, no matter how green most of them were.
They arrived at the Keep on a drizzly, muggy Uktar afternoon. Dee was pleased to see as they rode up that the guards at the gate looked more like soldiers and less like farmers playing soldier, and she rode Blossom around the grounds to inspect the progress. Orlen, Jacoby, and Edario were shown to their new quarters, Katriona was introduced to the other sergeants and she and the new recruits were installed in the barracks, and Dee left the Widow Jons in Sal's capable hands so they could see if they could work out a suitable arrangement. Her companions dispersed to their own rooms for welcome baths. She handed off Blossom's reins to one of Wolf's minions and headed for the Keep alongside Cillian.
She chuckled sardonically as she wondered how far she would get before Kana accosted on her with a stack of dispatches to read through and decisions which needed to be made immediately (even though she was sure they had been waiting to be made by someone for the past tenday), and she remembered grimly that Torio Claven would surely have been delivered into her keeping by now. She had made it clear to Kana before she left that she had no intention of becoming a warden and the woman was not to be treated as a prisoner as long as she cooperated, but how far could she trust her? Sand had assured her that Lord Nasher wouldn't have released her without subjecting her to some powerful Geas spells to insure her compliance, but still Dee dreaded having her around as a constant reminder of the trial. She made a note to ask her if she knew anything of Lorne's fate for the next time she saw the Starlings.
She nodded to the guards at the door and was assaulted by a familiar booming voice as she entered. "Oi lass! I was wondering when you were gonna get back here!"
"Khelgar!" Dee wondered for a heartbeat how the hells he got that close without her hearing him as she dropped to her knees and swept him in a bear hug, and Cillian licked the dwarf on the top of his bald head. "Now you're a welcome sight! How long have you been here? What is it that you're wearin'?" For the dwarf garbed in a simple long gray tunic and matching loose trewes in place of his half plate. His garb looked more appropriate for sleeping than fighting.
The dwarf returned the hug, patted the bear, and bellowed, "This? 'Tis what we monks wear, lass! Can't fight as well weighed down with all that armor." He drew back and looked her over. "I swear yer taller than when I left, but yer grown almost as skinny as that slip of an elf. Ain't they feedin' ye here, or do ye have a mind to take up tavern-dancin' too?"
Dee laughed loudly enough to match his. "A tavern dancer? Me? Aye, they feed us well, but when do I have time to finish a meal without bein' called away?" She sighed and gave him one more hug for good measure. "Gods, I've really missed you, Khel. I hope you're stayin'! Have you finished your training then?"
He laughed loudly, sending his full belly into a spasm of jiggles. "Nay, I've not finished with me trainin' but there's naught else they can teach me for now. 'Tis now time to train meself."
She stood and took his hand. "You'll have to tell us all about it at supper. Come on, Kana and her stack of urgent dispatches can wait. Suddenly I'm hungry as a bear." She ignored Cillian's exasperated chuff. "Yes, I know you've been telling me," she thought as she scratched him behind the ear.
The next morning they held a service to officially dedicate the restored temple to Tyr and perform the investiture of the new priest, Brother Ivarr. Casavir assisted with the ceremony and at one point helped the dwarven priest pull a drape down, which revealed a small statue of the god which had been placed in a niche in the wall above the altar. Brother Ivarr thanked him when he finished and came to sit beside Dee and Shandra and announced, "Kindly give your thanks to our long-legged brother here for carvin' this fine image of our god. 'Tis not bad for human work!"
Dee turned to Casavir as they walked back to the Keep after the service and whispered, "You did that? How? When?"
He flushed scarlet and shrugged as he looked down at the ground. "In my spare time, when I wasn't training or working with Thunder. My father was a stone mason and sculptor. That statue of Tyr in the temple in Neverwinter was his work, as are many of the others in Neverwinter and some of the monuments in the cemetery. I used to help him and my brothers in his workshop before..." He closed his eyes and trailed off, and she took his hand and squeezed it to help him through the painful memories. He composed himself and continued in his usual soft-spoken way, "One of Master Veedle's assistants was an apprentice with my father, and he saw me admiring a small block of marble and recognized me. He's been giving me instruction and lent me some of his tools, but the work itself is none of my doing but Tyr's."
They were the only ones who didn't notice she was still holding his hand as they entered the great hall. "Don't sell yourself short, Cas. I think you had more a hand in it than you're admitting. Do you think..."
He waited a few heartbeats then filled the pause. "Yes, my la...Dee?"
She smiled up at him hopefully. "I'd love to have a proper shrine to Meilikki and a shrine to Chantea out by the farms. Most of the farmers follow her."
He smiled back at her and replied, "I don't know if they will speak to me through the stone as Tyr did, but I will try, for you."
Zhaeve had stayed behind at the Keep when they left for West Harbor researching an ancient ritual that she hoped would give them power over the King of Shadows. She called Dee into the library a few days after they returned and explained what she had found. Dee read over carefully the notes the githzerai had dictated to one of Aldanon's assistants, asking questions and looking into several tomes discussing the Ilefarn Empire, listening patiently to Aldanon, pouring over a modern map of the area then calling Sand in to give his advice. She weighed the facts then decided the ritual was indeed worth pursuing and they would leave the next tenday. She explained, "I have business in Neverwinter that requires my immediate attention. These ruins have been there all this time; another tenday won't matter."
Zhaeve seemed uncharacteristically impatient. She implored, "Know that I believe we must leave at once, Kalach-Cha. Time is of the essence if we are to complete the ritual before the King of Shadows regains power."
Dee put a hand on her shoulder and said calmly, "I do know, but I also want to know what we're getting into before we set out for these ruins. In the meantime, you should get better acquainted with the horses if you're planning to come along." She patted her shoulder as she sensed a frown behind the Githzerai's thin veil. "Don't worry. I'm beginning to think if I'm destined to go there, I'll get there when 'tis the right time for me to be there, and not a day sooner. I have to talk to Kana to order supplies and ask the others who wants to come along. I can't imagine they relish the idea of getting back on the road so soon in the middle of Uktar." She gave a hopeful glance to Sand, who was trying his damnedest not to meet her eyes. She sighed softly and left the library with the elf beside her.
Dee tried to ignore Qara's snort as she passed her in the hallway. She gave the girl an inquiring look and heard her mutter, "Don't count on me!" as they passed.
In truth, asking Qara to come along hadn't even occurred to her, and as she was thinking for a snappy comeback, Sand tossed his hair off his shoulder and retorted silkily, "Not a problem at all, Qara. I'll simply craft the captain a Wand of Fireballs to take in your place. She won't miss you at all."
Dee suppressed a smirk and leaned close to whisper, "Sand, I love you." She understood his need to bait Qara. She heard from Sir Grayson's hairdresser that Qara's father had insisted on Sand's expulsion from the Academy after he gave Qara a well-deserved failing grade. He grinned, the tips of his ears flushing scarlet, and he replied loud enough for Qara to hear, "Count me in, dear girl. You need a competent mage along.""Thanks, Sand. Elanee and Grobnar are probably in, though I'd rather Elanee stay behind to inspect the woods and mark out trees for the workers to cut and see that they're replanting what they take. As for Neeshka, now that major repairs to the Keep are finished, I need her to inspect it thoroughly for hidden passages and doors as well as set a few traps should Bishop feel the need to go through my small clothes again when he returns from hunting." She paused and pulled Sand into an alcove and whispered, "What do you think of havin' Neesh shadow Torio Claven? Her and the two I know she's trainin' amongst Wolf's minions? I'd like to know if the Claven woman's communicating with anyone here or outside of the Keep and what she's up to besides."
Sand pondered her suggestion. "If that Luskan banshee is communicating magically, I don't see how the tiefling would discover it unless she were to overhear her. Still, I agree it's a good idea to have Torio watched though I would think she would suspect us to do that."
Dee replied, "Good to know I'm not overly paranoid. I'll speak to Neesh then. As far as Arvahn, I can count on Khelgar comin' for sure. He's spoiling for a chance to show off his new fighting skills. Shandra I don't even have to ask, and the same goes for Casavir." She caught Sand smirking at her and raised an eyebrow.
He pinched her cheek and said, "I love that inane grin you get when you talk about him."
Dee grumbled, "I do not!" and forced a serious expression which only made Cillian chuff and Sand burst out in a high-pitched tittering laugh at her.
After an exhausting day in which Dee tried to ignore the presence of Torio Claven hovering nearby, she reluctantly ordered a squad of her Greycloaks to aid a halfling village beset by bandits. She felt like a nervous mother letting her children cross the street alone for the first time. She found that the captain was also expected to know how to adjudicate legal matters. The first one was the case of one of her sergeants who had been accused of taking a bribe from a caravan master to allow in a shipment of contraband from Amn. Dee listened tensely as Kana read the charges then as the man defended himself, gaining instant sympathy for Lord Nasher. She turned to Shandra and Casavir for their opinions, and after deliberating threw her hands up and shook her head. "'Tis a gray area; the law isn't clear, so I can't in good conscience convict him." She turned to the man and said sternly, "You're free to go, Sergeant. However, I trust you won't let it happen again."
She ignored Kana's disapproving scowl. She had planned on giving the man a flogging personally to make an example of him, but that was yet another practice Dee was determined to ban at the Keep. She turned to Casavir and said loudly enough for Kana to hear, "There shouldn't be any vague laws. How can we in good conscience prosecute someone who didn't know that what he was doin' was wrong? I'm thinkin' to ask Judge Oleff to loan me a few of his law clerks to read through the laws and clarify any others that are vague. Or do you think my wanting the law to be black and white is too much to ask?"
He took a deep breath as if carefully weighing his answer and smiled at her. "No, my lady...it may be difficult to achieve, but not impossible."
She smiled back at him. "I seem to be good at doin' the impossible."
That night she refused the assistance of the servants and hauled buckets of water from the pump down the hall herself. The maid had already filled a large copper kettle of water to heat on the fire, so she added that to the tub and got another bucket to rinse with. She placed her spectacles carefully on top of her mother's chest, bathed quickly, slipped into her nightgown and pulled back the covers to get into bed. But after tossing restlessly for a time, she abandoned the bed and curled up in a blanket on the rug in front of the fire beside Cillian. She snuggled against the sleeping bear and was just drifting off to sleep when she heard something from the room beyond the fire―Casavir's room.
She turned over facing the fire and realized that from this angle and with the fire dying down, she could see into his room through the shared fireplace. There was enough light that he must have candles lit or have brought a lantern with him. She could see his feet as he removed his armor then saw him fully as he sat on his bed across the room to remove his boots. He tugged his tunic over his head and washed his face in the basin. Dee knew that she shouldn't be watching him like this, that she might be outraged if he spied on her like this. Not really, she corrected herself, and besides, it wasn't spying she told herself. It was accidental and innocent...or at least it had been at first.
She found, however, that it was physically impossible to take her eyes off his long, lean pale body, his sculpted muscles reminding her of the statues of ancient heroes in the park in Neverwinter, his broad shoulders, his chest thatched with a mat of dark curly hair that trailed down like an arrow directing her eye to his impossibly narrow waist and hips. She told herself she should look away even as she quickly reached for her spectacles. Her vision was focused enough now that she could tell that he needed a shave, and she wondered how he would look with a beard and how his stubble would feel against her skin. He was exercising, bending, twisting, and stretching, and she gasped now that he was in focus as even his slightest movement caused his powerful muscles to ripple under his skin.
He finished and knelt in front of the small altar to Tyr next to his narrow bed, and she took in his broad, muscular back, thankfully with not a hair to be seen, though there was something strange, some lines she could just make out. He began praying aloud, and she quickly turned away then, unwilling to intrude on that private moment.
She lay there quietly next to the softly snoring bear trying to get to sleep until she heard movement resume in his room. She rolled over before she could stop herself in time to see him strip off his trewes, and as he slowly removed his small clothes, she had to remind herself to breathe. "This is really too much," she scolded herself. "This is wrong in so many ways I can't begin to list them!" But she was pleased as he stepped out of them and stood straight. She took a long lustful appraising look and murmured, "Not bad, pretty average from what I've heard...Wonder how big he gets?" Cillian stirred and turned over to give her an annoyed look at disturbing his slumber. She gave the bear a pat and resumed her spying.
He must be planning to bathe before bed, and she tried not to think about whether he would appreciate her offer to be a back scrubber. He knelt and opened the chest next to his bed and withdrew what looked like a nightshirt and clean small clothes and lay them on his bed. He then withdrew a dark cylindrical bag big enough to hold a large dagger and set it beside himself on the floor. They were both awake, and she reasoned it was a shame to waste the quiet time. What he would say if she knocked on his door and asked him for a game of chess, like in that first dream she had about him? And there had been so many others now, and not all of them erotic. How did it go? She let him take her queen, and smiled at him coyly and placed her hand on his as he removed the piece then she drew him into a kiss...
Just as she was working up the nerve to attempt an ill-advised seduction, he paused as if deliberating something then quickly reached for the bag. He untied the drawstring and withdrew something long and dark, then untied a cord and gave it a fast flick, releasing several long leathery strands which had been bound around it. She stared wide-eyed in horror as she recognized its shape―a scourge―and realized it was no doubt the cause of those marks on his back. She recalled now one of the servants who worked in the laundry had complained as she delivered Dee's to her that it hadn't been easy to get out the blood stains on the back of one of Casavir's shirts as it had dried and was set. At the time Dee smiled wryly and quipped that it was indeed difficult to find a suitable place to do laundry in the middle of a battle, but she afterwards was puzzled as he had received no injury that she knew of, especially not to his back. Her suspicions were confirmed as he raised the cruel weapon, stiffened, and took a deep hesitant breath. Why would he do such a thing? And how could she stop him? Should she stop him? What right did she have to butt in to his business? The right of a close friend, she quickly and determinedly decided.
She jumped up thinking to go into the balcony door, but she couldn't very well burst into his room and explain that she she had been spying on him. She wasn't sure if their bond of trust could ever be restored after such an admission. She could barge in and tell him she heard something, but she would have to wait until after the first blow at the very least. She could knock and tell him she wanted to talk, but that would only stop him for now. She called out a silent prayer to Meilikki, to Tyr, any god she thought would listen to her. There was no sound from the next room, and she stooped to see what he was doing. She was relieved that he had lowered his arm, still hesitant. He ran his other hand through his hair then raised his arm again, and she knew in her heart that he had worked up the nerve to go through with it this time. She had to stop him! She let out a long, loud chilling scream.
Cillian sprang up looking alarmed and growled, then looked at her like she was insane as one of the guards in the hallway pounded on her door. "Captain! Are you all right?"
She waited a heartbeat before she replied through the door, "'Twas only a bad dream. I'm fine, but thank you."
She turned from the door and strode quickly to the balcony just as Casavir burst through his door calling out, "My lady!" He had only paused long enough to throw on his small clothes and arm himself with his hammer. He looked around for the source of her distress. "Dee? What is it? I heard..."
She looked away, not being able to look him in the eye as she lied to him, but she told herself it was only a white lie, and it was justified if it stopped him. "I had another dream about you, Cas. Someone was tryin' to hurt you!" She paced the balcony agitatedly, not looking at him and hoping he couldn't detect the lie.
He looked past her to inspect her room anyway, but he only saw the bear sniffing around. He turned his attention to Dee pacing the balcony in the nightgown he had bought her backlit by Selune, arms wrapped tight around herself against the cold, and he became aware of his own state of undress and stammered, "Forgive me. There was no time to make myself decent."
She replied, a burning blush spreading from her cheeks to her entire face, "There's nothin' indecent about your body, Cas. I've a mind to get you out in the wilds once this is over and let you live like a ranger until you get over this ridiculous sense of shame and are as comfortable with your body as Cill is with his." Her mind was racing. She had stopped him for now, but how long before he did that to himself again? And how could she even broach the subject? She turned away and heard him after a moment turn towards his own room, so she waited until he was across the threshold and quickly followed him, saying softly as she approached, "Should make sure there's nothin' amiss in your room." Being this close to him he had his back to her as he reached for his nightshirt, and she was shocked by the number of healing wounds and fine scars across his back. "Cas! Who did this to you?," she demanded.
He spun as he heard her and said in a strangled voice, "Dee! What are you doing in here! It's none of your concern!" He tried in vain to both cover himself and simultaneously step in front of the scourge lying on the floor and hide it from her view.
She looked from the scourge to his face, and he turned away unable to face her. "Cas...why would you...Forgive me, but why? Is this what they teach you at your temple? Or is it on my account, because of your feelings for me?"
He jerked on his nightshirt to cover his near nakedness and replied tersely, "Please leave me. I do not wish to discuss this with you."
She strode over to his desk and leaned against it, arms folded defiantly, daring him to look away. "Cas, forgive me, but we will discuss this now. You're too dear...a friend to let this pass." She softened her voice a bit and continued. "Cas, please, I know 'tis humiliating, but how is this just? I can't believe Tyr would wish this upon you. Not even if you've taken a vow of celibacy. Have you?"
He gazed at her with a sadness that made him seem much older than his eight and twenty years and replied quietly, "No, I have not." He gave her an imploring look. " Please, Dee. Let us speak of this later."
She sighed deeply, the anguish clear on her face. "The problem is I fear 'later' will never come. Tell me why..."
He sighed deeply knowing there was no escape. "Very well. I find myself wanting to...protect you before the others, and I fear that...I will compromise my vows to Tyr because of being distracted by my feelings for you."
She bristled at the unintended insult. "And what is so terrible about having feelings for me? So you want me! I want you too! No problem that I can see! If you're not celibate, and I sure as hells ain't either, why not take what comfort we can give each other? I can't believe Tyr would be so severe as to reject you for that. And mayhap if we acted on our feelings, you wouldn't find yourself so distracted. But beyond this, I'm not worthy of your torment. You should know I care for you deeply, but I don't love you. It's not you; I don't think I'm capable of loving anyone." He stiffened, looking stung by her declaration and paler than usual and still afraid to meet her eyes.
She took a few calming breaths then a few cautious steps closer to him, as if approaching a frightened animal. "I do have feelings for you. You're one of my dearest friends, and the only man I think about taking to my bed. Don't make that face, I'm being honest with you. I have dreams about you that would make you faint, us doin' things I'm sure no paladin would do. I have other dreams of us someday doing normal things...those give me hope for havin' some kind of future. There are so many things to admire about you, Cas. You have a gentle nature, you're kind and caring, and that paladin aura of yours always calms me when I'm fretful. Isn't that enough?" She reached up and caressed his cheek.
He shook his head and drew away from her hand. "No, it's not. And even if you declared your love, I fear a relationship would interfere with my service to Tyr. Dee, I don't think I would want to live if I fell out of favor with him again."
She frowned angrily, "So what you're saying is I'm right, I'm not worthy, that I'm not acceptable to Tyr, and he would reject you because of me? And you would continue to do that to yourself rather than acknowledge you're a man with a man's desires? So be it." She stooped and snatched the scourge from the floor before he could stop her and stepped back quickly. "But I swear right here before this altar that I'll get one of these things and give myself an equal number of lashes. In fact, I think you should do it right now. I deserve it for what my unworthy self has put you through." She jerked the drawstring gathering the neckline of her nightgown and turned, let it fall off her shoulders and exposing her back to him.
He looked horrified and was frozen in place. "Dee, don't. You don't mean it. I could never!"
She looked at him defiantly over her shoulder and raised the scourge in her left hand and gave it a flick as he snapped out of his stupor and rushed forward to try to wrest it from her grasp. She growled as she wrestled with him over it, "You know me better than that, Cas. If we can't work this out, there's only one thing for it." He got it away from her and tossed it across the room where it clattered on the floor. "It's either this: I get my own and take blow for blow, or...you leave my service. There's nothing else for it."
He gaped in disbelief and was about to repeat "You don't mean it," but he knew from the determined set of her jaw that she was not bluffing. He nearly choked as he said, "Very well, my lady. If that is your wish. I will leave on the morrow."
She balled her fists and shouted at him, "By all that's holy it is not my will, Casavir! I've told you what my will is, and I won't have your mutilating yourself on my conscience." They both looked over at the sound of footfalls outside the door in the hallway. She rolled her eyes and called out, "There's nothing amiss. Go back to your station." She lowered her voice to just above a whisper and continued, " It's not...just of you to put this burden on me because you believe that being with me will make you fall." She wiped at her eyes, fighting back hot angry tears. "In fact, I have to wonder if it's not so much you fear that I'll come between you and Tyr as it is your desire to make yourself a martyr. Here I've been thinkin' I'm not worthy of your devotion, and mayhap 'tis the other way around! There, I said it!"
He staggered back as if she had struck him. "Do you think so little of me? If so, it is best that I do leave."
She wrapped her arms around herself as the tears streamed down her cheeks. "I told you what I think of you...I don't want you to leave, Cas. I don't think I could bear to have you gone. Still, if we cannot resolve this, then for your sake 'tis for the best...though it hurts so bad when I think about it I can hardly breathe!"
He gazed into her eyes and reached out one hand to pull her to him and murmured her name. She took his hand and let him lead her. He wrapped her in his arms, and held her as his own silent tears ran down his cheeks. Even in the midst of her own tears she had the presence of mind to notice his, and she became conscious that he bore an old deep wound that caused him to believe he had to hide his feelings, and her heart softened. After a time he whispered, "I don't want to leave either."
She whispered, "I couldn't bear it if you left, Cas."
He stroked her hair and they held each other until they had no more tears, then he whispered, "As long as we're being honest, Dierdre Farlong...You could also ask yourself why you can't, or won't allow yourself to love another. "
She looked up at him through a haze of tears. "What does it matter?"
He gazed into her eyes and murmured, "You demand honesty of me, yet you're not being honest with yourself. Your actions belie your words. What are you afraid of?"
She looked up into his blue eyes, as dark as sapphires and stepped back. "Oh Cas, I think what we need to do is start over."
He looked away as he reached forward and pulled her nightgown back up on her shoulder and tightened the drawstring. "Start over? What do you mean?"
She shivered at his cool touch on her bare skin and murmured, "'Tis just a tit, and a small one at that, Cas. It won't bite you."
He blushed and replied, "It's not just a tit, Dee, it's your tit, and besides, they drive me to distraction." She scoffed at him and he continued, "It's true. Your...nipples are like hard ripe berries, and the few times I've seen them all I can think about for hours, days afterwards is taking them in my mouth and devouring them."
She blinked at him in surprise and said, "Oh my! Finally some honesty. Now was that so hard?"
He blushed and replied, "You have no idea how hard it was, but it felt good to say it. Now what is this starting over of which you spoke?"
She stepped forward and took his hands in hers. "I don't even know you, Cas. I know you have a beautiful soul, but I don't know much else about you, and I can't be with another man who keeps his life a secret from me. I want to know everything about you, but only when you're ready. If Tyr approves, I give you permission to court me, and we can get to know one another."
He raised an eyebrow. "Court you? I'm not sure how to do that."
She smiled and put her arms around his neck. "I s'pose they don't teach you that in the temple. It's one of our quaint country customs and easy enough. We spend time together; we go for walks and we talk about things pretty much like we already do, but we do more things alone and with more touching. You bring me flowers or somethin' like that...We go out to the tavern together for supper, maybe go dancin'...then you walk me back to my room and give me a kiss at the door, and I might invite you in so we can sit before the fire and talk and kiss some more."
He smiled shyly. "I don't know much about dancing, Dee. I fear your toes will suffer."
She chuckled and lay her head against his chest. "I can teach you, as long as you can tell your left from your right. Or your sword arm from your shield arm. Think you can do that?"
He laughed and replied, "Sword arm, shield arm. I think I can remember that." They held one another until he broke the silence. "That dream you say you had..."
She shivered and looked away. "You know how it is, the bad ones fade. It's the good ones I remember, but I can't tell you about many of those either, at least not now. There was one though..."
He kissed the top of her head and murmured, "This one wasn't...erotic?"
She grinned at having distracted him from her lie and looked up at him. "Only the beginning, where we were lying in bed together early in the morning, but it was comfortable, like long time companions. You had a beard like Lord Nasher's, and your temples had gone gray. And not only that, but my belly was thick enough to make Khelgar happy. You were kissing me, and you started to unbutton my nightshirt and I whispered, 'You're insatiable,' and you chuckled and looked up up at me and said, 'And you're not?' Then, all of a sudden, I saw a head of dark wavy hair at the end of the bed and nudged you and you straightened up just before we were assaulted in a tickle attack by three small creatures, the dark one with your looks, a smaller one who favored me, and the smallest who had a thick mane of bright red hair. I don't know where that came from!"
He kissed her forehead and asked "What do you think it meant?"
She sighed and said, "I think it means I want to have hope for some kind of future."
She stifled a yawn, and he reflexively yawned too and said, "It's late. We should get to bed." He blushed and corrected, "Our own beds, I mean."
She threw her head back and chuckled loudly at him. "You're right though. I have to be on the practice field at Lathander's first light. Would you do something else for me first?"
He eyed her warily. "If I am able."
She sighed in exasperation. "Don't look at me like that. You look like the mouse bein' stalked by the cat. It would please me if you threw that thing into the fire, right now. Would you do that for me and swear not to do that to yourself ever again?" She nodded towards the scourge lying across the room. "I'll beg if I must...Please, Cas."
He released her, walked over and retrieved the scourge from the floor then knelt and stirred the fire and threw it in. He rejoined her, and they stood silently holding hands and watched it burn as if mesmerized by the flames. She broke the silence finally, squeezed his hand and murmured, "There, 'tis done. Walk me back to my room?" She took one last glance at the fire to make sure the thing was consumed then to lighten the mood said, "Mayhap I should have kept it to use the next time you come up with another pun like you did this mornin' in the larder. 'The lesser of two weevils' indeed!" She gave him a sidelong glance and saw him smile, so she continued. "The gods know I could use some discipline too, at the very least a good spanking."
Without thinking he murmured, "Yes, you certainly do at times," and gave her a light swat on her right cheek. He immediately recoiled in horror. "Dee I'm so sorry! Please forgive me, my father always did that to my mother. I didn't think."
She gasped then looked up at him through her lashes and murmured breathlessly, "Don't be sorry. I...liked that as much as I think you did, and 'tis all part of getting to know one another. I think I better get to my room before I am tempted to push you down on your bed and take matters into my own hands."
He swallowed nervously. "Yes, you should go before I let you. If this happens between us...I want it to be special, not a quick lustful...romp."
"You mean candles, flowers, lots of foreplay? Yeah, I think it'll be better that way." She chuckled at his blush. "I'd like that, though truth be told I like the excitement of a quick, lustful romp too sometimes. We can save that for the second time." She leaned up and gave him a swift kiss on the cheek then beat a hasty retreat for the safety of her room and the safe embrace of the bear, where she fell into a deep, restful sleep, all thoughts of the King of Shadows banished for once.