Disclaimer: We don't own NCIS, we also don't own Shakespear's work. Which if you've read anything he has written, and anything we have, is rather obvious.
A C T IV
s c e n e i
It was early the next morning and Ducky was just about to begin the autopsy of Captain Scott when Abby bounced into the morgue unexpectedly. Or perhaps, it was not so unexpected, as she was no doubt interested in the outcome of his chat with Director Shepard. Since the case was wrapped up, and these last autopsies was more of a formality than anything, Ducky decided to indulge her.
"Abigail," he greeted cordially. "To what do I owe this unexpected visit?"
"Ducky! You know why I'm here," Abby said, her tone mock scolding. "I want to hear everything."
"I assume you are referring to my little part in your matchmaking scheme?" Ducky responded rhetorically. "Well, our dear director was somewhat reluctant, but ultimately could not resist my gracious offer."
"Yes!" Abby squealed.
"I dare say convincing Jethro will not be such an easy matter," he added.
Abby just smiled at him wickedly, "Oh, I've already taken care of Gibbs," she told him confidently.
Ducky looked at her over his glasses, surprised, "And how did you manage that?" He could not help but ask.
Looking around, as though to ensure no one was listening, Abby leaned forward and whispered, "I'll never tell." With that, she twirled around, and almost walked smack into Gibbs.
"Hi, Gibbs," Abby said smiling nervously. "What brings you down to autopsy this fine morning?"
"Checking on the lieutenant-commander," Gibbs replied with a gesture toward the body on the metal table.
"Ah right," Abby said bobbing her head up and down, "Of course, I guess I'll just let you get to it then," she said moving off toward the door.
"Abbs?" Gibbs called stopping her, he didn't say anything else, but fixed her with a questioning look, and she just knew he was asking what she had meant when she had said she'd never tell.
"Uh, it's nothing, really Gibbs," she said with a innocent smile. "Ducky was just telling me about this idea he had to get Tony and Ziva to hook up."
A C T IV
s c e n e ii
Tony was surprised to find his teammates' desks deserted when he stepped off the elevator in the morning. Sure he was a little early, but he almost never beat the very punctual McGee in, and most definitely never beat Gibbs. If he didn't know about the boat in his boss's basement, Tony would speculate that the boss-man never actually left.
Never one to get down to work before needed, Tony powered up his computer and contemplated which of the several games he had downloaded he should play. Gibbs would inevitably catch him and make him uninstall it, but that did not mean he had to give up without at least trying.
His computer loaded and Tony sat back and started up his newest flash shooting game. He was just starting to get into his game, nearing his previous best score in fact, when suddenly the entire screen went black. Tony stared at his monitor blankly for a long moment. "What the hell?" he muttered.
Not sure what else to do, computers not being his forte, Tony pressed the power button and hoped for the best. Nothing happened. Sighing, he kicked the tower lightly, not really expecting results and therefore unsurprised when the machine did not respond.
He looked around the bullpen once, no one from his team insight. Not that Ziva or Gibbs could really help him anyway. Unless he wanted Gibbs to kick his computer a second time and see if the boss-man's magic touch made a difference.
No, what he really needed was McGee. Unfortunately, the younger, more technically savvy, agent was no where to be found.
Not interested in waiting, Tony figured he couldn't really do to much damage before McGee got back so he slid off his chair and crawled under his desk. He peered at the back of the tower. A multitude of cords and wires connected to the machine and Tony started wiggling each one in turn, to ensure they were all connected.
He was about to move on to pulling random wires out and blowing on them, thinking it sometimes worked with game consoles, but was stopped by the sound of approaching voices.
"Ziva told Abby what?" McGee asked as the group walked by Tony's desk.
Tony was about to scramble off the floor, hoping to salvage the last of his dignity, when Ducky's response came, rooting him to the spot. "She insists that Ziva expressed deep-seated feelings for young Anthony."
They seemed to have stopped moving now, and it sounded like they were standing around Gibbs' desk. Did that mean Gibbs was there too? Tony wondered, before dismissing the idea. Gibbs would not just sit there and listen to this insanity.
"You're serious?" McGee asked, "Ziva in love with Tony? Come on. I never thought she'd be in love with anyone, most especially not DiNozzo."
"No, nor I neither, but most wonderful that she should dote on Anthony, now," Ducky continued.
"Should we tell Tony, you think?" McGee asked sounding unsure.
"Abigail thinks not."
"She's probably right," McGee agreed, "After all, it is Tony. I mean just imagine how he would hold it over her. Tormenting her with it, you know what he's like."
"Yes, Anthony can be a bit much at times, but I can see why Ziva has fallen for him. After all he is a very handsome and charming young man," Ducky remarked seemingly offhandedly.
"He does have his moments," McGee added, "And sometimes he's pretty funny. It's just too bad for Ziva that he does not feel the same. Maybe she will get over it?"
"It sounds as though it would be unlikely. Abigail tells me she has truly loved him for some time now."
"Eh, she could do better," Gibbs grunted, his voice startling Tony and causing him to whack his head on his desk.
Flinching at the sound, Tony crouched further, sure he would be discovered. However, after a moment, no one had come looking, so he relaxed slightly. He heard the sound of a chair moving, and then heard Gibbs say, "I'm going for coffee. McGee, find Ziva and DiNozzo, I want their case reports on my desk when I get back."
"Yes Boss," McGee replied.
"And I suppose I should be getting back to autopsy," Ducky murmured.
Three sets of footsteps moved away, and after waiting a moment to be extra sure, Tony crawled out from beneath his desk.
Still on the ground, Tony peeked cautiously around, ensuring everyone was in fact gone before he scrambled to his feet. "This is all just a trick," he muttered to himself. "It has to be. I mean it's not the first time, McGee and Kate did the same thing once. . . Only they knew I was there, and. . . and Gibbs. Boss was here, and he didn't dispute it."
Tony shook his head, confused. "Of course, if it was true then Gibbs would know. He always knows." Flopping down into his desk chair, Tony stared over at Ziva's currently unoccupied desk. "Then it is true. But how? I mean Ziva loves me?" he wondered disbelieving.
"I never did think of settling down, but obviously I could never just have a fling with Ziva. But hey, everyone grows up sometime right? And she is so beautiful, and caring. Why, her love must be requited."
The elevator dinged, across the way and Tony looked up just as the doors opened to reveal the very woman filling his thoughts. "And here comes Ziva, she truly is a fair woman," Tony remarked aloud, then frowned and muttered under his breath, "Exactly when did I start talking to myself?"
"Hello Tony," Ziva said curtly as she sat down in her own desk across from his. "McGee has told me to inform you that Gibbs is waiting for our reports."
"Ah, how kind of you to come tell me Ziva," Tony said, flashing her his most charming smile for good measure. "I thank you for your trouble."
Absently playing with her sharp silver letter opener Ziva fixed Tony with a hard look. "It was no trouble," she told him, "If I didn't have to deliver my own report, I can assure you I would not have come."
"Ah, but you could just not have told me," Tony replied, "See, I knew you cared."
"As one cares for a tiny insect," Ziva replied, as she expertly skewered a small bug that had chosen that moment to scamper across her desk. After one last twirl of her small blade, letting the light glint of it's steel menacingly, she placed it back on her desk and reached for her report.
A C T IV
s c e n e iii
Once the bullpen was clear Jimmy Palmer climbed to the top of the stairs that overlooked it. The room was, for once, completely deserted. He cleared his throat.
"Oh Michelle, Michelle. . . Why are you an agent?"
Of course, no one was there to hear him, not even Special Agent Michelle Lee. Palmer looked over the railing and sighed in a dramatic and slightly effeminate fashion. "My enemy is only in your occupation – that which you share with such bullying buffoons as DiNozzo and McGee and that scary Mossad assassin lady – who all look down on me, the lowly 'autopsy gremlin'. But you, Michelle, you are yourself, not just some agent! For what is an 'agent'? It is not a hand, nor foot, nor any other part, belonging to a man (or a woman). Be something else! That which we call a rose—"
"Jimmy, who are you talking to?
Palmer started and nearly fell down, but managed to retain his balance. "Michelle!" he cried out, peering over the edge and adopting an expression that was not unlike an excited puppy. "I mean—What man art thou that thus stumblest on my counsel?"
Agent Lee stared up at him with a slightly raised eyebrow. "I'm not a man, Jimmy."
Palmer ears turned slightly red and he grinned to make up for it. "Oh, I know that." He cleared his throat and continued awkwardly, as if he were reading from a sheet of invisible paper, "A maiden blush does bepaint my cheek, for that which thou has heard me speak tonight. I pray, tell, do you love me? I know thou will say 'Aye'—"
"Jimmy!" Agent Lee called exasperatedly. "I didn't agree to meet you here so you could spout off weird poetry. Just come down. Now." She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.
"Oh, right, of course," Palmer replied, stumbling over himself to get down the stairs, still grinning his goofy grin.
A voice calls within
No! The stairwell prop isn't designed to hold any weight—
Unfortunately, Palmer didn't quite hear this mysterious voice. The moment he set foot on the stairs they collapsed in a shower of painted styrofoam and cheap cardboard.
"What the—?" Palmer shouted as he fell. A conveniently loud 'bleep' rung through the bullpen and cut off the rest of his outburst.
"Jimmy!" Agent Lee cried, rushing over and digging him out of the styrofoam rubble. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. . ." said Palmer slowly, rubbing his head and plucking a fluffy white chunk of foam from his ear.
Agent Lee smiled. "Good." Then she dragged Palmer by the collar of his shirt behind the broken stage prop where the two of them disappeared. Moments later gasps and moans were heard, and a hot pink leopard-print bra flew up into the air.
A C T IV
s c e n e iv
"Yes, I promise," Abby said exasperatedly into her phone, "Now is she coming or what?" she demanded.
"Yeah, she's just left," McGee's reply came over the line.
"Great," Abby said smiling happily, "Good work, McGee." Hanging up the phone she turned to face her newest co-conspirator. "Ziva is on her way down," she relayed.
"Do I even want to know how you roped Agent McGee into this, as well?" Director Shepard asked with a raised eyebrow.
Abby just grinned, "I didn't threaten him. Honest," she replied, ignoring the look the director gave her. "Now remember," she added, "You just talk about how great Tony is, and I'll take care of the rest."
"Abby, are you positive this is such a great idea?" Jen asked, one last time, knowing the outcome would be no different than any of the previous times she had asked.
"Of course!" Abby replied excitedly. "It will be good for both of them."
Jen gave her a skeptical look, and sighed, "Alright, but if they kill each other. . ."
"Nonsense," Abby said dismissively, "They won't kill each other. . . well, probably not anyway."
Just then the elevator door chimed signaling someone's arrival on the floor. Pitching her voice, so that it could be heard clearly from the hall outside her lab, Abby began, "Oh my God!" she exclaimed, "I can't believe Ziva doesn't know!"
Jen rolled her eyes at Abby's performance, but diligently recited her own lines, "Well, it is Tony we're talking about," she said, "He is one of the agency's best undercover agents for a reason, you know. If he doesn't want her to know, she's not going to find out from him."
"Oh, but someone has to tell her!" Abby practically squealed.
"I don't know, Abby," Jen said using her best 'director' voice. "Perhaps we should let Tony make that decision."
"But you don't know how miserable he is!" Abby said dramatically. "He's been in love with her so long. I just know he's never going to do anything about it."
"Well, maybe that's for the best," Jen said after a moment, as though she had needed time to contemplate her answer. "After all, imagine how torn up he would be if she refused him."
"Who could refuse Tony?" Abby wondered aloud. "I mean he's so smart and handsome, and funny!"
"Yes, but this is Ziva remember?"
"That's true," Abby replied, "She's so. . . Mossad. Sometimes, she just seems, I don't know, cold. I sometimes wonder if she has any notion of real love at all." Abby sighed, "I guess you're right, it probably wouldn't be good if she knew of his love. She'd just make sport of it."
"Yes, that's probably true. After all, she seems to enjoy tormenting Tony on a daily basis as it is, no need to add fuel to the fire."
"I suppose we must just let it be then," Abby said sadly. "Poor Tony, we must let him continue to hide his love, wasting away inwardly. Better that than die with her mockery."
"It's for the best Abby," Jen assured her.
"I know, but it's just so sad. I mean he told me he's been in love with her for ages. And he's such a sweet guy, I hate to see him so miserable."
"I know, Tony is one of the best agents I've ever worked with, and he's a great man too," Jen said, "But there isn't really anything we can do."
"Yeah," Abby said deflated. "So, I hear you're going to a play tonight?" she added changing the subject.
"Yes," Jen replied, "Ducky was unable to go, and he graciously offered me his ticket."
Outside the lab Ziva slipped away, not hearing any more of their conversation. She took the stairs, lest they hear the elevator and catch her. She had not meant to eavesdrop on her friends, but old habits died hard, and she had long ago learnt that eavesdropping was a good way of gaining valuable intel.
This intel, however was not like any she had encountered before. "Can this be true?" Ziva wondered aloud, stunned by the news, "Do they really think I'm so heartless? That I don't care for him? He is my partner! Of course I care about him. Like he cares for me. But love? Certainly I would have known. . . but they seemed so sure. . ." she muttered as she climbed the stairs. All she could think of now was Tony, the way he looked at her, his silly smiles, the concern she saw in his eyes whenever they had a close call, the way she sometimes caught him just looking at her. . . perhaps it was true? "Oh Tony," she whispered softly, "Love on, I will requite thee."
~tbc~