{Ah, my faithful readers, I am so very sorry for the lack of updates this month. I don't even have much of an excuse for it. I've just been going through a lot. And I have a horrid habit of writing the whole story, and stopping at the last few paragraphs. Actually, I had a horrible infection last week... Anyway, I'll stop with my petty excuses. This chapter is a little... I don't know. It will be very intresting though. Oh and don't worry, the next chapter will blow your mind! Haha, anyway, I PLAN to have the next chapter in before the end of the week... But I make no promises. Please just... Enjoy! Oh and Happy Thanksgiving! (: Make a great day, Ariel*}
FPOV
"Let's play a game," I hear Sam say as soon as she walks into the room. It's Friday night and we've been watching TV for three or four hours.
Since it's Friday, my mom is at work so we're good. My mom works nights so during the day Sam and I usually hang over at Carly's and Sam spends the night there on weekends while my mom is off. We've got the whole thing worked out.
She had went to the bathroom to shower and change. It was my day to go first so I was already in my shorts and T-Shirt. I'd heard the water go off but I was too afraid to go listen and see what Sam was telling herself today. Ever since the day at the Y, which was the night I heard her talking to herself, I'd tried very hard not to bother Sam or get her too upset, especially with herself.
I mean, I never pegged her as the suicidal type,but it's crazy what a disease can do to you. Anyway, I've been complimenting her and being nice, and I try not to get mad when she messes with me. I never noticed how mean I had gotten. Maybe I've been spending too much time around Sam, but I realized that every time she does something to me, I just snap. I've been trying not to do that and not to say hurtful things. Think before I speak.
Sometimes, I wonder why I do these things; take care of Sam and worry about her and all of that. Really, it's obvious though, Sam is my friend. And she needs help. It's not the same as it used to be. Everything has changed. Well, for me and Sam it has. Things aren't normal anymore. Because something happened. Something big. Something that brought us two frenemies together to fight off something that we can't control. Something that could possibly send BOTH of us, off the edge.
So Sam and I are in this together, whether we like it or not. It's too late now. We need each other.
"What kind of game?" I ask Sam as I move to the foot of the bed so that she can climb in the corner, her favorite place.
"Tuth or dare." She suggests, raising her eyebrows, as if I actually have a choice.
"Ah. The benefits of living with a girl..." I joke, smiling at her but turning myself to face her better.
She laughs. I really love when she laughs, and I mean really laugh, I don't mean when she's just laughing because everyone else is or when she laughs to avoid talking. I mean when she opens her mouth and slightly throws hr head back. It's probably the best sound in the world, so rich and light, it just makes me want to laugh along with her. But I'd never tell her this, of course. She'd probably set me on fire or something.
"Anyway," She smiles, and for a split second, I wonder why she's in such a good mood today, but I quickly waved away the thought as she continued, "I'll start. Truth or Dare?" She asks, raising her eyebrows and leaning her back against the wall.
"Truth," I pick, knowing that whatever she dares me to do... Well I'm afraid of what she might dare me to do.
She looks up at taps her lip with her index finger. I notice that her finger nails are painted. That's new. Sam usually doesn't care about her nails or her makeup or anything like that. Once again, I remember how much she has changed... She's just not the same Sam. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the old Sam.
"Why do you really love Carly?" She asks, jolting me back to reality. I look up from her deep red nails and look at her for a moment while I contemplate the question.
Why do I love Carly? Honestly, I haven't really thought about it much lately. I haven't really thought about Carly lately. I haven't hit on her or anything since... Well since I found out about Sam. It's never really occured to me. It never really mattered.
Sam looked impatient.
"Hello? Is anybody in there?" She asked, raising her eyebrow irritably. I held up my finger,
"Gimme a minute," I said and she sighed, leaning her head back against the wall.
I continued to wonder about my 'crush' on Carly. I remembered the first time we met.
Really I'd met Sam first. It was in fifth grade. It was my first day at a new school. My mother and I had just moved to Seattle and I was starting that day at my new school.
I'd worn my brand new Spiderman sneakers and I was really excited to make new friends, but I was really looking forward to lunch. My mother didn't allow junkfood, everything was organic and low fat and nothing tasted good. I had a secret stash in my room though. Stuff I had bought at gas stations with my allowance when my mom wasn't looking. Today, I had snuck beef jerky into my lunch sack when I ran in to 'grab my jacket'.
I was in the same class with Carly and Sam, but I didn't know them yet. They were just two girls in my class, in addition to the other thirteen girls. Since it was the first day, I wasn't extremely new, but I did notice that most of the people had come here before and already had sat next to their friends. I read the name tags.
Carly had sat next to Sam and so on. When I walked in, I saw a few empty seats. There was one by a boy who was eating paste (I thought people stopped doing that in like second grade?), and one by a girl with piggy tails in her plain brown hair, and one by a normal looking kid who looked bored and tired. I sat next to the normal looking boy, which was across from Sam and Carly. When I sat down, Sam glared at me. Carly smiled and whispered into Sam's ear. They both laughed. I shifted in my seat.
The day went by normally, Carly and Sam ignored me and the teacher did the necassary introductions. By eleven am I was watching the clock and counting by the minutes to lunch. When the teacher finally looked at the clock and said, 'Okay students, time for lunch' I jumped up out of my seat and was the second one in line; behind a boy with sandy blonde hair. The teacher walked us to the cafeteria and everyone split up to go sit with their friends. I sat at a table by myself, I didn't really have any friends yet, but I didnt't care.
I put my lunch sack on the table and happily pulled the jerky from the bag. I was opening the wrapper when I felt the jerky being pulled out of my hand. I jerked my head around and saw a blonde girl with curly hair and blue eyes. She was holding my jerky and smirking down at me. Sam.
"Uh, excuse me," I said,"That's my jerky," I reached up to try to take it back. Sam jerked it away from my hand.
"Too bad. Now it's mine. I love jerky." She said, taking a bite from it and her smirk got wider.
"Hey!" I said, crossing my arms and standing up to face her. She was a little bit taller than me but she was still a girl. "Give me my jerky back!" I reached for it again but she moved it once again. This time, though, she pushed me and turned me around so that my back was to her. I wondered what she was doing but I knew it when I felt my underwear be pulled up my butt.
Wedgie.
"HEY!" I yelled, wondering where the teachers or lunch ladies were and why they weren't helping me. Sam was laughing and I was clenchingmy teeth, in obvious pain and discomfort.
Then I heard another voice.
"SAM!" I heard a girls voice yell, shocked. My underwear was realesed and I turned around to see Carly, shaking her head at Sam.
That was when I had 'fallen in love' with Carly. After making Sam apologize, she had invited me to sit with them, and then she had given me the icing from her cupcake. I thought that Carly was the prettiest girl I knew then, and I thought Sam was a demon.
From that day on, I had slaved over Carly, looking at her with lovestruck eyes and hitting on her at every chance I got. Sam continued to bully me, but after a while I got used to it.
I had loved Carly because she was nice to me. She was always nice to everyone. Sure she was a little boy crazy, but you could depend on her.
I looked at Sam again, forcing myself to get off of memory lane. She was still leaning back, looking up at the ceiling. Her hair fell back down her back and shoulders and her lips were pink and pouty.
"I don't love Carly," I said, saying the truest words I could. Because it's true. I don't love Carly. I never realized before, but the feelings I used to feel for her... They're just gone. She's more of a sister to me, really. I remember all those times Carly and I kissed... There just weren't any sparks.
"What do you mean?" Sam asked, looking at me now.
"I just don't love her anymore." I shrugged. She looked at me once again, face confused.
"Fredboy," She started, shaking her head, "You can't just stop loving someone. Either you never did. Or you still do. Love is fragile. But it's also very strong. Either you love Carly, or you don't. You can love people in different ways. I love Carly like she's my sister, and I love my Mom as my mom. Even after all she did to me, I love her. And I love Melanie and I love Spencer and I love all of my friends... I even love you. It's just the way you love someone." She said, emphasizing.
"And I just don't understand," She continued, "How you can think that you can just stop loving someone. You think you can just take an emotion like that back? I just... I don't get it." She said, shaking her head.
That's one of the things I love about Sam. She can seem so uncaring and hard, but then she just comes out and says things that.. that blow your mind. She says things so wise. She really makes you think.
Maybe you can't just stop loving someone. Maybe you can truly love someone, and even though you may not like them, or you may be upset with them, but you just can't take that back. Because people make mistakes. And people hurt other people, and when you love someone, you have the strength to forgive them when they hurt you. And to look past their flaws and their mistakes and forgive them everytime. Because when you love someone, that bond isn't easily broken.
"I get it," I say, "I do love Carly. But I don't love her the way I thought I did. After kissing her, and getting my chance with her... I just don't feel the same way I used to. I guess I realized that Carly isn't my dream girl. She's more like a sister to me." I finish, struggling with my words but getting the point out there.
At first, I think she's going to say something else intelligent, or point out something else. But she doesn't do that. She only says one word.
"Okay," She says quietly. Looking down at her lap for a moment. I watch her, wondering what shes thinking, as I often do. After a minute or two she looks up.
"Okay, yeah. Whatever. You're such a dork." She says, rolling her eyes and flashing her signiature smirk. "Your turn." She adds.
"Oh yeah. Um... Truth or Dare?" I ask her.
"Dare," She says almost immediately. I dare her to stand on her head. She does, I clap and we continue. The game goes on and each time she picks dare. On one of her turns I decide to get smart.
"I dare you to pick truth next," I say, smirking. She glares at me, obviously annoyed.
"Fine," she says. At her next turn, she did pick truth, but I couldn't choose which one of my many questions to ask her.
"What do you do when you get hungry?" I ask her, looking at her with intrest and friendly wonder, hoping that's enough to make her answer it.
"I drink water," She says, raising her eyebrow, a smirk playing at her lips.
"Sam, I already knew that. What else?" I asked.
"You asked what I do when I get hungry. I gave you a thing. A thing I do when I get hungry. You never said I had to say something you didn't know. " She says, openly smirking by now.
At her next turn, she picks dare again. I'm about to dare her to pick truth, but then I start to think.
Could I dare her to eat something?
She'd probably just throw it up anyway though.
Yeah, that idea's probably useless.
But what if I say she can't throw it up?
I don't want to be mean or intrude though. Obviously she doesn't want to eat, and I mean, what can I do about that?
You could tell someone. A small voice says at the back of my head.
I promised Sam I wouldn't tell anyone. And I promised myself I would help her myself if she won't let me let someone else help her.
Oh Freddie just do it. Just say 'I dare you to eat a slice of the pie my mom made, and not throw it up.' Just say it, dude!
After thinking about it, I decided to give it a try. I opened my mouth to speak, but she beat me to it.
"I'm tired. I'm ready to go to sleep." She says, yawning to emphasize.
I watch her as she slowly gets up and walks over to the light switch, flicking it off and picking her way back to my bed through the darkness. I feel her lay down, but I don't move. After a few minutes of the silence she speaks.
"Are you going to lay down?" She asks, in a voice barely above a whisper. She knows I can hear her though.
"What does it matter if I lay down?" I ask. Why does she need me to lay down so she can go to sleep?
"Well.. It's just... If I tell you something you cannot repeat a word I say to anyone or I will cut your dick off in your sleep and feed it to you for breakfast." She threatens.
The hell?
"Umm, okay," I promise, glancing at my manhood and then focusing again on her dark figure. She's still laying down but I can see her small body underneath the blankets.
"Okay well I kind of... I mean..." She stutters. I still don't speak. I'm really curious as to what she'll say now because Sam Puckett rarely stutters. "You help me fall asleep," She blurts out. I feel her body shift, as if she's trying to forget she said it and pretend to be asleep.
"Aah," I say, staying still for a moment. Neither of us says anything for a long while. I know she's awake though, her breathing isn't quite the same as when she sleeps.
After a while, I lay down right next to her, I feel how cold and yet warm her body is from laying there all alone. She shifts once again, but it's more like she's moving a little bit closer. Her back is to me and we're not actually touching but the position is still intamate in a way.
She falls asleep fast, and I just lay there and listen to her even breathing, as I often do now a days. I'm staring at her back, I can see all of the bones poking out and once again I realize how small she is. Her small waist seems to be buried in my king size mattress. Her long hair lies on the pillow, still exposing her tiny body.
Her body is cold but it is still letting out warmth. Sam seems to always be emnating some sort of warmth. I think back to earlier that night, when she's asked me that first question.
"Fredboy," She started, shaking her head, "You can't just stop loving someone. Either you never did. Or you still do. Love is fragile. But it's also very strong."
Kind of like Sam, I thought. I looked at Sam's small body, Love is fragile, Sam is fragile. I thought back to all of those times she had acted cold-hearted and mean. Love is strong, Sam is strong. She never lets anyone see her upset. She just acts like she doesn't care. Like that day she told Carly and I about her Dad leaving.
"Welp, he's gone," She'd said, shrugging her shoulder and throwing herself onto the couch.
"Who?" Carly had asked.
"My Dad. Mom's upset because he ran off." She said nonchalantly, grabbing the remote and flipping the TV on.
"Again?" Carly asked, sitting in one of the chairs. I remained standing over by the counter, watching them. "He'll be back. He always comes back," Carly said, watching Sam flip through the channels. Once Carly said that, Sams flipping became more frustrated and fast. She was flipping the channel before the shows even popped up.
"Nah," Sam said, "He's really gone this time. Getting married or some shit like that," Sam stopped once she got to the end of the channels. She then started going backwards through all the channels now. "Ugh, I'll just watch a move," She says, jumping up and walking over to the cabinet the Shay's keep all of their movies in.
"Wait, what!" Carly exclaims, looking at Sam incredulously.
Sam is quiet for a minute, and I have a good side view of her face. I see her pause and I could've sworn I saw a tear slide down her cheek. She quickly wipes it away and turns to catch me staring and glares at me.
"Yeah," She turns her attention back to the movies. Her voice is blank and expressionless. "He ran off with some red headed bitch to try and start a new family." She says.
After Sam told me last week that she had lied and that her father had actually died, I began to think of Sam differently. She's just so strong. Burying all of her pain deep inside of her. Locking it up in a drawer and only letting herself fully mourn when no one else was around. Not letting anyone help her. Believing that she's some kind of monster...
Sam has strength in levels I might never fully understand. But she can love people. Even though she doesn't show it in a way most people do, I've learned that Sam can love people with all of her heart. She still loves her dad, still mourns him to this day. She still loves her mom after all the shit she's put her through in the past few years. She loves Carly and Spencer, and she loves me.
"I even love you." Her words sounded in my head.
"You can love people in different ways. I love Carly like she's my sister, and I love my Mom as my mom. Even after all she did to me, I love her. And I love Melanie and I love Spencer and I love all of my friends...
I even love you. "
Samantha Puckett. Sam Puckett. The girl who loves, the girl who has a heart, even though sh edoesn't show it. The girl who loves the people who hurt her. And loves the people who need her, like me. I need Sam. I need her in ways that even I don't understand. I need her snide remarks and her cruel words. Because even though she says mean things, even though she does mean things, that's the way she shows it. That's the way she loves.
Sam Puckett is like love. She is weak, but she is strong. She can hurt, but she can heal. She can leave you speechless, in good ways, and in bad ways. She can give you that warm feeling in your heart, and she can surprise you.
She does that to me everyday. I never know what to expect with her.
Sam Puckett, is Love.