Now there she sat on the edge of her childhood bed thinking about the 'good old days'; a time when she loved and was loved by the Sanctum's most renowned Brigadier General.
Her bedroom was dark except for a couple candles on the windowsill, playing shadows on the walls.
Crossing the room to open the window, a warm, delicate spring breeze danced passed her, the shadow she cast darkening as the wind threatened to extinguish points of light.
They say that you never forget your first love.
It was a silly little thing she was reminded of every spring when the warm breeze would flow past her. That same warm wind would bring her back to the day in her past that witnessed both a fated meeting on a concealed terrace and her transition into womanhood.
Even though it had happened years ago, she remembered it like it was yesterday.
She wasn't going to go. Well, more accurately, she had tried to talk herself out of going. What in the world could he have wanted with her? She wasn't anything special, just a first year, wet behind the ears, too young to even be there in the first place.
But the longer she thought about it, the easier the decision came.
Every minute left her stomach twisted in more knots, nausea never far away, but somehow time passed. She barely even realized how long she sat alone considering and reconsidering before picking up her phone to call and leave a message for Serah. If Lightning didn't manage to make it home before her sister woke, she didn't want her to panic.
He was waiting there, still in his military dress, when she arrived a number of minutes after the appointed time. She hadn't intended to be late, but nerves got the best of her a couple times.
However, this was the point of no return.
Heart flip-flopping in her chest, she forced herself to breathe.
It was overwhelming to be so near to him, still having no idea what his true intentions were. She wasn't entirely naive; she suspected what they might be... Though she supposed it wouldn't be long until she found out.
Holding a lantern in one hand, and a heavy drape of dark fabric folded neatly over the other, he approached her silently.
She bit her lip firmly to keep it from quivering, being reduced to inhale through her mouth. The lantern light lent an inviting glow to his skin and she stared openly at him, once again, unable to look away.
But when Cid Raines, a man way above her station, took a knee in front of her, young Lightning Farron, she was floored. She couldn't follow his form, and instead her eyes slipped closed when he cupped her stockinged calf in his large hand. It was easy for him to manipulate her body with his touch, and before she knew it, her shoe was off and his hand was caressing her other calf, relieving her of the other torture device.
She'd been wearing those things for hours, and the cool stone on her poor aching feet was just what the doctor ordered...
When she sighed in relief, he glanced up from her midsection, his hand still caressing the back of her knee. The accidental sound caused her to look down at him, hoping against hope that he hadn't heard it in the dead quiet of the night.
He had.
And he was most definitely smiling at her. It was small, but it was playful... dangerously alluring.
Feeling almost faint from their silent exchange, he regained his full, intimidating height while all she could do was stare at a single point on his chest.
Without missing a beat, he unfurled the cloak with a dramatic flourish, slipping it carefully over her shoulders, drawing the hood slowly over her head, the back of his finger brushing over her cheek.
And then they were off, the antique lantern in one large hand, her shoes dangling from the other.
He was so incredibly intense that she wasn't sure if she'd make it wherever they were going before she expired from heart failure.
Everything seemed to unreal to her; like something straight out of a romance novel.
Not that she'd ever read one.
Well, maybe just part of one.
She had found it in Serah's room a few months ago while collecting her younger sister's laundry. It had been under her bed and when Lightning found it, she was more than a little shocked. Feeling embarrassed while sitting on the floor in Serah's room with the book in her hands, she flipped through the pages looking for any questionable passages that might give her justification for confiscating it. Of course she found what she had been looking for, but what she didn't expect to find was an interest of her own.
In the end, Lightning had 'confiscated' the book.
And her little sister never breathed a word of it's disappearance.
The repeated reading of those titillating pages provided Lightning with the only sexual education she'd ever known. And now as she followed him, inches of opulent velvet sweeping over the ground behind her, she couldn't help but compare this man to the one in that romance novel.
Once hidden away in his private apartments, he pulled the hood of her cloak back, revealing her nervous face. He may have had a fine way with words, but he needed none as he caressed her cheek with his huge hand; kissing her lips with all the tenderness and patience their unique situation required.
During that first – somewhat exploratory – night, she discovered what it was to be loved by a man. It had been like those pages in the novel, but so much more.
Taking queues from the tension in her body; the growing breathlessness of her voice, her honest hesitation, and all those other things she couldn't control, he made love to her until just before the sun came up.
To the outside world, it might have seemed as though he stole her innocence, but to her it was not at all so.
No.
To her, his wordless, generous instruction and her eager application helped to evolve it; replacing it with a sense of female empowerment and confidence within her.
Many liaisons took place between the two, some trysts like the sweetest, most delicate smelling flower, hours of discovering and rediscovering, slow, thorough movements and lazy words of affection and admiration.
Other times, their lovemaking held the spirit of earth beneath them; wild and untamed, kneeling at each other's bounty; letting their bodies do what only came naturally.
And then there were times, usually after they were forced apart by his work or her education, that there was pure fire and passion. Giving into each other's intoxicating lust and carnal desire; nipping and scratching and impatient, throaty cries lead the way to a flood of the most basic and simplistic bodily release.
When they were together, he wasn't Brigadier General Cid Raines, and she wasn't Cadet Lightning Farron. But only in the safety and privacy of his chambers could they be just a man and a woman.
Then the day came that she graduated from the academy. When she was allowed to hold a post in her hometown of Bodhum, she suspected it was because of his influence. She hadn't asked him to treat her in any special way, in fact, she insisted he not show her any favour. Even if she hadn't confided in him as a lover about her situation, he was still a superior officer and had access to her personal information. However, they didn't talk about it, nor did he admit to any favour on his part.
Still, it was a relief that Lightning didn't have to take Serah out of school and move her halfway across Cocoon. She'd been through enough...
Raines met with her once more after that. From the moment she saw his face she knew there was something wrong. He never admitted it, but she knew him in a way that no one else did.
That night, he made love to her as if it was the last time.
She didn't see or hear from him again.
Not until she was reunited with him during their quest for Cocoon, after they had all been branded and chained to inescapable fates, did she have any idea of why he'd abandoned her.
After seeing him; hearing him explain his motives and his struggles for freedom from the fal'Cie did her cold heart melt. She had so many questions for him, and yet there was tragically little time; never enough time!
There was so much she wanted to say that would forever remain unsaid.
And all of it would cleave her foolishly thawed heart...
"Lightning?"
With a start, she glanced over her shoulder, seeing the door open and a blond head peek inside. Rolling her eyes, she turned her head back toward the window.
"Go away, Snow."
Instantly she regretted even acknowledging his presence.
Her voice cracked pathetically, and only then she realized that she'd been crying. Now he definitely wasn't going to leave her alone. Why the hell did he have to show up now?
He always had the worst timing.
Sweeping her hands hastily over her eyes, she felt not only the physical reaction to her memories about Raines, but she also felt that familiar ache in her heart.
"I just wanted to check up on you... Serah called me and said that she was worried." he paused. Lightning could feel his eyes on her; the sound of his voice taking on it's typical concerned tone.
All sorts of nasty remarks were on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't bring herself to say any of them.
He did come all the way out here to check on her, even if Serah had called him. That alone was far beyond his duty considering the fact he and Serah weren't together anymore... but of course he'd come.
He'd come, even if he hadn't been asked to.
He'd come because she showed him a moment's worth of weakness and like a stray dog to table scraps, he silently begged for just a little more.
To this day she cursed herself for that momentary weakness.
She was well aware that he and Serah had been having problems. Serah called her every single day about it, and it pissed her off. Surely she hadn't taught her little sister to be an ungrateful and unappreciative little brat. It surprised her how cold Serah was to Snow after all he went through for her.
And though Lightning would never say it...
Snow Villiers was a good man. So much so in fact that any woman, including her sister, would be lucky to catch his eye. Their quest for Cocoon and his attentiveness to his soon-to-be bride allowed him to fly up the ranks in Lightning's mind, and even when Serah yelled and screamed like a spoiled child that she hated him and that she didn't want him anymore... He never would, nor would he allow anyone else, to make any off-colour comments about her.
So it was hard to see him beat down and clueless about what to do to make things better.
The momentary lapse of judgement saw her set a steady hand on the hopeless case of a man and impart to him a vaguely encouraging piece of advice:
'Do what you need to do to be happy.'
In retrospect, that was the only thing she'd ever said to him that didn't bite or cut. And even if she didn't agree with Serah's treatment of her fiancee, it didn't matter. It wasn't her business and she would remain loyal to her sibling.
Shortly thereafter, they broke things off and Serah moved away in preparation for her first semester of college.
Aside from Snow's NORA buddies, no one else he was close to lived in Bodhum, except for the pink-haired soldier. True they hadn't been all that close, but, just like after he died, she knew Snow wanted something familiar. Maybe a sympathetic ear, or a breathing body in the same room, anything that remotely resembled normalcy.
Dammit, she knew what he wanted from her, but all she wanted was to be left alone.
So Snow reached out to her only to be ignored.
...She had her own damn problems.
Raines was gone.
Not gone.
Dead.
He was dead.
It was so simple; he was dead. She'd never see him, speak to him, touch him, make love to him... ever again. So, if it was all so simple, why couldn't she just let him go? She knew that he wouldn't have wanted her to pine for him, but was she brave enough to leave him in the past where he belonged?
She thought not.
Lightning Farron was a coward. Dealing with Raines' death was something she wasn't ready to do. Her feelings got pushed aside when they were working so hard to save the planet, but now that peace had blanketed their world again, she was left with none. The only peace she found was when she was fighting; when there was a cause. Being engaged in a struggle allowed her to not have to deal with her own.
And seeing there was a total lack of conflict lately... sometimes, like tonight, her memories were drawn over her like a rusty razorblade, leaving a cut that took forever to heal.
Perhaps we could have healed together...
She had thought that once, but when she suspected that she might feel something other than friendship for the blond brute, she denied herself exploration of those feelings. He would look at her when they were alone; a look that she felt defenceless against. It was like he could see through her and she hated it.
Whenever he would look at her like that, she knew he cared.
But Lightning didn't want to be second best.
She decided it was even better to keep him in the dark about both her feelings of friendship and vague ideas of ...more. All it would take was a hint of friendship to keep that stray dog coming back.
Nope. No way.
No feelings, no false hope, no weakness... no hurt.
So she treated him like trash; a second class citizen; a useless neanderthal... as she always had. It was surprisingly easy to do when she put her mind to it.
Unbeknownst to her, while she was thinking and plotting how to kill her feelings, he had thoughts and feelings of his own.
That wasn't to say he pursued her, because he most definitely did not, but he would call and check up on her, he'd stop by, stock her fridge or leave a slow cooker of food on her table. She didn't talk to him; never answered when he called, and avoided her house when she saw his vehicle there.
He didn't give up on her.
Lightning both hated and loved him for it.
"I'll let Serah know you're..." he trailed off, adding somewhat hesitantly "But you should probably give her a... call... anyway."
Catching his reflection in the pane of glass in front of her, she witnessed the frown on his lips, the deep crease on his forehead. Every syllable of his gentle voice chipped at her lonely heart, until her head sagged forward on her shoulders.
She'd been so distant from everyone she loved for so long in the name of self-pity and selfishness that no one, save for one person, even called anymore. If she didn't return anyone's phone calls, she didn't have to think about that time, and if she didn't have to think about that time, then she didn't have to think about him...
How long had Snow been standing there?
He'd listen. Even if she didn't want to talk... even if she just wanted something familiar; a breathing body in the same room...
It took all she had to push her pride aside and turn around to face the blond standing in the doorway.
"Snow, I-"
But he was gone.
He didn't say he was leaving... did he give up on her? ...Had all her hard work pushing him away finally pay off with the ruin and isolation she thought she wanted...?
Dashing out of her room, she sprinted to the kitchen. There was a bag on the table, no doubt filled with some sort of foodstuffs, but no Snow. Emerging into the foyer, nearly breathless, she discovered him opening the front door to leave.
"Snow."
Even before she was done speaking his name, he turned around to look at her, that look on his face again.
That goddamn look.
The one that made her heart swell and her eyes start to water... the same look that uncovered all her secrets.
Lightning treated Snow like the scum of the earth and yet every time she needed him he was there.
She couldn't say the same...
How could he do that? How could he be so selfless to someone like her? The last time he spoke to her about his feelings and desire to be friends, she wasn't sure that once she started talking she would be able to stop, so she said nothing and walked away.
That might have been the single most cruel thing she'd ever done to him.
No, she liked him. Of course she did. She just didn't want to admit that she relied on him and his steadfastness; the warm words he offered when she let him.
But he deserved to be acknowledged... he deserved to be recognized as a good man by the one person he longed to be seen by.
Summoning all her courage, she strode brusquely down the carpeted hall. For a second she thought she saw apprehension in his eyes, and as she raised her hands, he flinched.
Sliding her arms around his body, she pushed her face stubbornly against his chest. He inhaled sharply, his arms stayed at his side, body stiff when she embraced him, but after a moment he carefully returned the display of affection as she knew he would.
And even though she knew what his reaction would be, she wasn't ready for the warmth of his chest; the strength of his arms, the acceptance and understanding that came from him... that had always been there, offered freely, even though she refused to take it.
A huge hand cradling her head, and one on her back, he held her tightly.
If this was what Serah had within her grasp, yet pushed away... then she was a fool.
His voice was a warm breeze against her temple. "You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but if I can help you... I want to."
With her arms still around his thick middle, she peeked up at him through the fringe of her bangs. Those blue eyes that had always been so steady and brave; much braver than hers had ever been, were liquid now; deep sapphire in the dim light.
They terrified her.
It had been so long since she'd felt anything...
Then...
He cupped her cheeks in his hands, huge and warm and rough... pressed a languid kiss against her lips, her thoughts frozen in her mind even while her body was flooded with heat.
It was brief; all too brief.
Dazed and light on her feet as she opened her eyes, she watched his lips practically beg her, forming a whispered request.
"Just let me, Lightning."
She wanted to, but she didn't know how to give in. Almost everything was telling her to pull away from him and run... but she was tired of running. He wasn't going to hurt her...
So she just let her eyes flutter shut.
He obliged her show of resignation, pressing light, soft, slow kisses over her closed eyelids first, then lips and cheeks and chin. His movements were so tender, so reverent he might have been caressing the finest silk, closed mouth and though chaste in delivery, his lips worshipped; his kisses prayers for the end of her long night.
Of course he could not know of the comfort that he gifted.
Warmth welled up inside her, blossoming somewhere that had been barren for far too long. Wherever his mouth landed, it left behind a pleasant tingle, a huge hand slipping from her hair to splay across her back, fingers pressing into her covered skin, beckoning for her to give in completely.
Letting her head tip back in his hands, her body molding against his, he continued to decorate her chin and down the flushed skin of her throat, lingering around the line of collarbone.
She had no idea he could be so patient, his impatient attitude and brash actions coloured her entire opinion of him. This side of him was different and all this time she had never considered what he was like as a man since she only considered him less than.
Obviously she was seeing more of him than he felt able to show her.
And it was heavenly.
A hint of cinnamon found its way between her lips as he kissed them, his mouth once again capturing hers, the chasteness melting away along with her remaining coherent thoughts as he drank deeply of her. Stroking her lips; the inside of her mouth, he explored, seeking out her flavour, but also coaxing honest breathy sounds from within her. Breaking the kiss, he hoisted her into his arms, carrying her easily back into her bedroom.
Raines had carried her sometimes, much to her displeasure. Even though their relationship had never seen the light of day, Raines never treated her like a dirty little secret, and she was adult enough to know what something like that might do to both of their careers. Instead, he treated her like a woman, even though he loved to dote on her. He offered her gifts in his charming little way, hoping each time that she might change her mind and accept just one of them, but she adamantly refused every time.
He never stopped trying.
Though now she had nought a single reminder of their time together, save memories.
Tears began to run from her eyes again, distorting her view of the handsome blond kneeling before her on the edge of the bed. She shut them stubbornly, feeling ashamed and angry having succumbed to her overflowing emotions.
Pulling off his t-shirt, he dabbed at her face with it. "Lightning..."
When the tears didn't cease, he took her hand in his, pressing a kiss onto each fingertip, holding it against his chest when he was done. "Please don't..."
His pulse was strong, certainly, but more than that, it was steady. Focusing only on that rhythm calmed her and Snow didn't move an inch while she syphoned his tranquillity.
Once she opened her eyes, she saw the most unpretentious smile on his face, but it was too real. She had to look away. Such a smile couldn't have been for her; she didn't deserve it.
With a finger under her chin, he brought it back around and kissed her again.