{*Sorry it took so long. Once again. Anyway, this is a good one. Just telling you, be prepared. -Make a great day, Ariel*}

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly, or the songs played/written.

Sam POV

I woke up feeling like shit today. At first, I was comfortable, feeling warm and cozy in the nice and big, king size bed, but I was only dreaming then.

When I woke up, my body hurt and felt really gross. I woke up cold and shivering, like I usually do. My skin was dry and my nails hurt. My scalp was aching and my hair felt hard.

This was how it usually felt when I woke up, but this time, it ticked me off even worse.

I don't really sleep at night, but I'm always tired. Usually, I just end up laying there with my eyes closed pretending I'm asleep so that Freddie doesn't suspect anything. Insomnia. I'm always tired and my body usually feels worn out. And at the end of everyday I go to bed hoping I'll get more than about two hours of sleep.

Last night, I got none.

I woke up cranky as hell, about an hour before Freddie was supposed to get up. Usually I would just lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling until he woke up, but today I was feeling impatient.

I climb out of bed, carefully stepping over the nerd and making my way to my bag. I had put most of my clothes in his drawers but I had left some more personal things in my bag. Like my journal. I pull it out and put it on Freddie's desk, which is near my bag. I'm looking for... Ah there it is!

Some face cream. My skin felt dry and I knew it was discolored, so I put face cream on alot and took very hot showers.

I picked up the brown bottle and went into Freddie's bathroom to take a shower. The water felt hot on my cold skin and I made sure to let a lot of it run on my hair. I wash my hair with two different conditioners and two different shampoos, twice. My hair is my best feature and I have to take extra care of it all of a sudden.

I know that Freddie's mom is gone. Basically she's only at home either during some nights or during some days while we're at school. Freddie put a lock on the outside of his door and carries around a key for it, he did that last night when his mom almost came in and saw me when I got back from Carly's.

Seriously, this is odd behavior for her.

I am living in a house with probably the most insane health/neat freak in Seattle. Marissa Benson. No offense to Freddie but... wait, total offense to Freddie, his mom is a crazy freak. I mean, seriously, I really just want to see her and my mom go at it. I'm afraid of what the outcome might be though, I mean... Ugh. Gives me shivers.

Anyway, I woke up at six am, an ungodly time, I mean who's awake at six am? Well I suppose Freddie's mom is... but ever since she got that promotion and started working full time she's never home. Which is odd for her.

I really am feeling weird lately. Queeziness, tiredness, irritability... It's like the monster inside of me is eating me alive. And I can't fight it.

I mean, another thing when I woke up today, I was so hungry I could barely move. On days like this, I decide to eat, but I always throw it up. I think this is a good way to teach myself self control. I don't depend on food like the other weaklings do. Like I used to do. Sure, me losing this weight I've been trying to lose does have it's bad parts,But then again, you can never be too thin.

Thin is beautiful.

.

.

.

A few hours later, on the way to school. Still Sam POV

"Sam are you sure you're okay?" Freddly asks me for the gajillionth time. I sigh in annoyance and let my head hit the back of my seat. Fredd-O and I are on our way to school right now.

Ugh. School.

"Frednub, I am fine. Jeez. Calm your hormones." I let my hands rest on my stomach and then curled my lips in disgust at the amount of fat there. I quickly move my hands and let the seat back, placing my hands behind my head. This is safe. Of course now I've realized how huge my head is... And my skin... Jeez why has my skin been so dry lately? And my hair is like falling out...

I reach up and touch a strand of my long blonde hair. It feels normal but there's a hint at the brittleness of it. See, lately, I've been washing my hair twice a day and applying the skin cream three times a day- my skin has been looking kind of yellowish. Gross right?- and I've just been so dizzy lately.

Of couse I never tell Freddie any of this, he would completely freak out. In fact, I think he'll have a Carly freak out. Really, I don't complain about it anywhere but in my head. I mean, everyone gets dizzy every once in a while right? And the hair and skin is probably just because I never used to take insanely good care. It's completely normal!

I give up on my hands and, defeated, let them fall to my sides, far away from my body.

"Sam, I find no logic in your little 'Catch phrase'. I mean where did it even come from?" He asks. Gah. He's such a freaking nerd.

"Up your ass!" I almost yell, crossing my arms. I grow frustrated and drop them, once again.

Freddie looks shocked at my reaction. Good. He should be afraid. Especially for when he doesn't have the 'driving' thing to protect him. Just wait until we get to school.

My mouth tastes minty. I brushed my teeth like three times though. After wofling down a low fat salad and some orange juice, I'd told Freddie I was going to brush my teeth and silently threw up while I was in there. I knew he was happy because I'd eaten and didn't really think that I would throw it up, and for some reason, I felt bad about that. But also incredibly pissed off at the same time. I mean who told him he was allowed to be so damn... caring. It makes me sick. He and Carly belong together.

That also makes me feel sick. Freddie and Carly may have a lot in common and all but... they just wouldn't be a good couple. Freddie is a weak little nub, he needs someone a little more... abrasive. Someone more adventurous.

And, you know Carly is my best friend. But she's such a... goody two shoes. She needs to be with someone like... Gibby. I don't know, anyone but my-... er I mean, anyone but that NUB, Freddie. Psh. Not saying that the ownership I have over him is anything more than owner and nub. Owner and Nub. That's all.

Okay I'm going to stop rambling about that horrible pairing... Anyway, back to Freddie and his... genorosity.

Since I haven't thrown up in a while he hasn't been looking out for it, which means he let me eat, and then go to the bathroom, thinking nothing of it. Besides, I could've blamed it on sickness. After not eating for so long, eating again really does make me throw up, though I've gotten better at controlling it. I can manage to choke out a 'Gotta pee' before running to the bathroom and vomitting.

"Sam," I hear Nubby McNubNub call my name.

"The hell do you want?" I snap at him, still thinking about him and Carly.

"Um, we're here..." He says nervously. Rubbing the back of his neck. He always does that when he's nervous. It's so cu- annoying! Psh.

I quickly open my door and jump out of the car. I grab my backpack and slam the door, stalking into the school, leaving Fredboy still sitting in the car, confused.

Freddie's POV

Okay what is up with Sam? I think as I make my way into the school building and to my locker. She's been acting really weird lately. I think it's because of her disease. She woke up pissed and it woke me up. I heard her in the shower and I glanced at the clock, which said it was barely after six. I looked around, she had practically thrown all of her stuff on the floor in a haste to get to the bathroom.

As I walk to my locker, I see Sam standing at hers shoving her stuff in hastily and then running right past me and down the hall. Why is she in such a rush? I wonder, shrugging my shoulders and opening my locker.

In my locker, there is a picture of me, Carly, and Sam. The picture is from when iCarly first started. From before Sam... changed.

And that's when it hits me.

Like a fly being smashed by a brick.

She's been getting so much worse and I haven't done anything about it. I let my feelings and memories of her get in the way of what she really is now. When I looked at her, I didn't see the new Sam. I saw the old Sam with a slimmer figure. But I never noticed how slim that figure was.

I never noticed how bony she is, and how none of her clothes seem to fit, how they all look baggy and huge on her. I never noticed how much paer her hair has gotten or the yellow tint to her skin. I never noticed the bags under her eyes even though it seems like she sleeps for at least eight hours. I never noticed how weak and fragile she's gotten, or how she's always hugging her arms for warmth. Not even the way she swerved a little and her eyes rolled to the back of her head when she made quick movements.

Most importantly though, I never noticed that she actually ate today, but she went to the bathroom after, and her breatj was very minty when she came back. She washes her hair and puts creams and stuff on her face all the time. Her nails dig into my skin while I sleep and they are brittle and hard, though you can't tell by looking because she always has them painted.

Here I am complaining about everyone else, especially Carly, not noticing what was happening with her right in front of their faces, and here I was doing the exact same thing. I am such a hypocrite.

But how do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped? Someone who is too freaking stubborn and independent to let you in. Someone who's slowly killing herself and she doesn't even know it.

My eyes start to water, I throw my books on the ground. The final bell rings and I notice that I am alone in the hallway. I look around but I can't ignore the pain in my throat and the ache in my stomach.

I can't do this anymore.

Later that day, At Freddie's house.

I left school. Before school even started really. I never noticed how easy it was. I just walked right out the front door. After standing in the empty hallway for several minutes, I had grabbed my backpack, slammed my locker shut, and walked right out of the school.

I felt the cool breeze as I walked out of the school and I instantly felt a lot better. In the school, I felt trapped. Caught in my own personal storm of emotions and realizations. Out here, I can think better. As I walk to my car and climb in the front seat, I just sit there for a minute, key in hand but not in the car.

I pull my phone out and text Sam.

Hey, I have some stuff to do at home. Catch a ride with Carly or Gibby if you can. Are you hanging out at carly's after school today?

I get tired of sitting here without even the grumble of the engine to distract me. The car was too quiet. I stuck the key in the ignition and turned the car on. My radio was busted because Sam got mad at me one day and literally ripped it out of the socket. This was so long ago I never really remembered it unless I wanted to listen to the radio as I drive.

I get a text back from Sam about five minutes later.

Oh look. Freddnub Benson grew some balls and skipped school. I'm proud. Yeah. Whatever. I guess I am. I'm feeling a little queasy and tired though so I might be home early.

No One's Point of View

Freddie ignored the insulting greeting and smiled at her 'home' reference. He put his phone on the passenger seat and put his hands on the wheel. He drove home feeling very numb and tired. He felt an emptiness in his stomach. He pulled up at Bushwell Plaza and his mind flashed to his mother. She hadn't been around much lately, which was good for the Sam situation, but also worrisome for him.

Freddie's Point of View

Are you sure you're okay?

I text back, starting to feel a little worried.

No doubt, she's gotten worse. And I'm going to stop humoring her. I'm going to stop sitting back and watching her kill herself. I just can't do that anymore. It's time to do something. I don't care if she won't cooperate. All I have to do is have a doctor look at her and see how small she is. All I have to do is have someone watch her as closely as I do and notice all of the syptoms.

I am going to help her. Whether she wants me to or not. I'll talk to her when I get home, I have to at least tell her what I'm doing.

Until then, I guess I'll just hang in my room. I walk up the stairs and to my apartment door. I feel my phone vibrate as I put the key in the lock.

Jeez Freddnub. I'm fine. I already fucking told you that. Calm your freakin hormones.

I sighed aloud. I guess I'm used to the way Sam treats me, I'm used to her quick temper and her craziness. But lately, it's gotten very bad. It's like I say one thing she doesn't like and she goes off on me. I like to think that I've dealt with it nicely, I've been very careful around her, not allowing myself to sink to her level. Before this, I would've snapped right back at her but I know that she's just irritable and in pain from her... disease.

When I make it to my room, I throw my bag down on the ground and sit down on my bed. I put my head in my hands and concentrate on my breathing. I want so bad to be able to stop thinking... but my mind keeps wandering to her. It's driving me crazy. Sam usually does drive me crazy, but just not in this way.

I start thinking about the dreadful talk I'll have to have with Sam when she gets home. I begin to panic, worried about her reaction. I don't know if her little body could take it.

All of a sudden, I am very tired. My eyes are closed but if they were open they'd probably be drooping. My body is tired and I just want to collapse. I lift my head, slowly because it feels heavy and tired, and glance at the clock.

I have almost several hours until school even ends, maybe I should skip more often. I lay back on my bed and drift off to sleep.

I wake up at two-thirty. School ends at three. I sit up, but I don't feel groggy and tired like I usually do when I wake up. I feel very alert. Odd.

Sam isn't coming home after school and my mom... I don't even know where she is. Which means I probably will be alone until around eight or nine.

I sit on my bed in silence for a while, wondering what I should do next. I begin, once again, to remember the confrontation I have to face in a few hours and I stand up quickly, knowing i shouldn't get too worked up because I might chicken out before she even makes it home.

I walk over to my desk, where my pearpod is and my pearhome. I stick the pearpod in the pearhome and press play.

There's some things, we don't talk about
rather do without
and just hold the smile
falling in and out of love
ashamed and proud of
together all the while

It's ironic that this song would come on. I chuckle to myself and turn it up a little bit. I turn to walk away, but something catches my eye.

I see a large, deep purple book with the words, Spice on the cover in black sparkly letters. I figure it must be Sam's. What the whole Spice thing means, I don't know. Curiously, I pick the book up. It's actually very soft, one of those journals with the soft, furry covers. I run my hand over the word Spice and I see that it is not soft, it's hard and feels like it was stuck on there or engraved.

I run my hand over the cover a few more times.

Should I do it?

Dude, it's Sam's...

She'll KILL me.

But she's not here...

She shouldn't have left it on my desk.

I finally decide to open it. Thinking of an excuse – I had to make sure it was yours or it just fell open right in front of my face- and sitting down on the floor in front of my desk. I look down at the cover once more, and then I open it.

I will be your guardian
when all is crumbling
steady your hand

You can never say never
why we dont know when
time, time and time again
younger now then we were before

The music played on but I didn't hear it anymore. I was immersed into the words on the, well used, white pages. The first page I opened to was a drawing. I never knew Sam was so talented, of course the last drawing of hers I saw was of her and... Jonah (Bleh). I never knew that she had talent on this level though. I never knew... Well I guess there's a lot about her that I still don't know.

It's funny how you can live with someone and barely know anything about them.

The drawing was a girl, and honestly, it made me want to cry. The drawing was obviously done on pencil so it was black and white. The girl had long dark hair, as dark as the pencil will go I assume, and she was looking down. The part of her face that you could see was covered with scars. Some of them looked fresh, and some of them were light and looked as if they were disappearing. I could see tears coming down from the girls eyes but the rest of her face showed no sign of pain, other than the scars.

The girl wasn't Sam. I could tell not only by the hair but just by looking, I knew. Maybe it wasn't Sam but it could have been a reflection of the pain she feels. My mind tries to picture Sam with the scars but I just can't see it. My eyes are watering and I'm shaking my head to try to clear my thoughts and pull myself together.

I finally muster up the self control and the strength to turn the page. The next drawing was happier. It was of a beach. This picture was in color and she used pretty reds and oranges and yellows, and a very pretty blue color. There were trees surrounding the water and even a few birds in the sky. The oranges and reds and yellows blended together nicely and there was a very bright spot in the middle of the page, the sunset.

The drawing took my breath away, I blinked a few times to make sure It was still there. I felt like if I blinked, the whole book would disappear.

I turned the page again. The next picture was... different. It was very deep and very personal. It was in dark colors, sort of black and white but not just black and white. There was another girl, sitting in a chair. This girl was more like Sam. Her hair was light and it was obvious it was supposed to be blonde. Her eyes, which looked hollow and lifeless, also looked light, so I could tell they were blue. The gir was sitting in the chair, looking up, which was more like looking at me, -the viewer- with helpless and confused eyes. There were people around her. Well more like faces. They were drawn in a way as to where it looked like they were floating on each side of her, except for in front of her. They were all looking at her, some looked angry, some looked sad, some looked happy... many different expressions. But all of their eyes held the same thing, expectance. Like they were all expecting something from her. Her hands were hanging to the side, barely brushing the chair. She was wearing dark colors, dark as black.

This drawing, gave me mixed emotions. I wanted to feel sad, but I also wanted to feel curious. I was confused. Was it supposed to mean people were constantly counting on her for things? Or was it supposed to mean she had a lack in privacy? I didn't really understand. I turned the page confused this time.

The next picture, affected me the most. My stomach tightened and began to ache. It felt empty and knotted. My head began to hurt and my heart began to race. My breathing became shallow and I felt as if it was right in front ot me.

It was a girl. She was standing on a scale, and there was a mirror off to the side. The girls head was tilted, looking toward the mirror. This one was definitely Sam. Sam had drawn this one very well and very specifically to be her. The hair was light and very long. This girl, this girl was thin. This girl was barely thinner than Sam. Even though it was just a drawing, I could see the girl's bones. They stuck right through her skin. The girl was wearing only a bra and underwear and I could also see that her thighs were abnormally small. Everything about the girl just screamed, small, thin, tiny. It made me want to reach out and touch her, to see if she'll crumble at just the touch of human skin.

Was this Sam's goal? Is this what she wants to look like? She doesn't have long until she gets there. But once she does, will it be enough?

Does she already look like that?

No, no she can't. I would have... someone would have noticed. Someone would have seen by now. She...

I can't let her see herself the way she sees herself. I need to let her know how beautiful, how amazing she is. I have to make her realize how much everyone loves her. And how much she's hurting them by doing this to herself.

I flip to the back of the book, tracing my way to the blank page after the last drawing she drew. I pulled a pen off of my desk and began to write.

Sam,

Don't be mad. It's just me, Freddie. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have gone through your stuff like this. I know it's wrong. I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you something though.

You are beautiful, Sam. You don't know how beautiful you are. I have never met anyone else with the same, long blonde curls you have. I've never seen anyone with bluer eyes. Your eyes are like the ocean, and when you're happy, your eyes laugh and it's the best thing I have ever seen in my life.

You have an amazing personality and a crazy sense of humor. You're not to girly and soft, you know how to take care of yourself. Guys like that. The guys you dated before... they're just to stupid to see. But I see. And I care.

You don't need to do this to yourself. You're too beautiful to die. You're perfect the way you are.

Love,

Freddie

I don't know if it's enough. And I know that there's a number of things I could add, other things about her that are absolutely amazing, but this is all I'll give her for now.

I turn back to where I was. As I begin to turn the page, I hear the door to my room burst open. I look up in shock and see Sam standing there. I'm brought back to reality and I realize that the music I was listening to is still on.

All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away

Sam looked down and saw what I was holding. Her eyes went wide and she started shaking.

"Ohmyham. You. Did. Not." She said, clenching her teeth and continuing to shake. I opened my mouth to speak but she continued on, "I can't BELIEVE you!" She screamed. She started to continue on but stopped and her hand flew up to her chest. "Ow!" She grunted, keeling over a little bit. I could see sweat beads forming on her face and her breathing was ragged. I stand up and look at her, shocked.

"SAM!"I yell my hands flying forward, as if that will do something. I watch as she continues to clutch at her chest. I run over to her, trying to find a way to help her.

"Sam what's wrong?" I ask nervously, fidgeting and wondering what to do. She lets out one more ragged breath before she goes unconcious. I meanage to catch her before she can completely hit the ground. The music is still booming from my Pearhome.

"SAM!" I yell again, I pick her up into my arms and rush out of my room, leaving the door open. As I open my front door I can still hear the music.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter.