Have you ever had that feeling in the pit of your stomach? That feeling of emptyness and pain? Like you've been fighting for something for so long, just to lose.
Well the feelings I'm having are worse than that.
The tears won't stop and my stomach feels empty, and pained. It's like my heart is trying to eat my body up until it's nothing. I feel like I have no reason to... to continue without Sam. I feel like my whole world has just fallen apart right in front of my face and I had to watch it happen.
The nurses made us leave the room.. I didn't want to. I fought to stay but it was hopeless. If I wanted her better, if I wanted them to save her, they wouldn't let me stay around to watch it.
The way the doctor looked at me as I sobbed over Sam's body when he walked in... it was obvious he had no hope for the corpse in front of him. It was obvious he thought that since her heart stopped she was gone.
But I won't allow myself to think like that. Until I have a final, final word, it's not over. She will pull through. That doctor obviously does not know how strong she is and he would never understand her or her strength.
I was standing on a thin line. I knew that the line would break and so would I if.. if the situation turned out badly. So she has to get better. She has to.
We've been out here for nearly an hour. No one has stopped crying. I don't know about my mom. After what happened my tears blurred my vision and the only thing I cared to look at was the path to the nearest chair. I hoped she was gone. She may be my mother but... she crossed a line. And we both know it.
I could faintly hear Spencer attempting to soothe Carly but he wasn't succesful, mostly because he couldn't stop the sobs coming from himself either.
My heart was slowly shattering more and more by the minute.
Love is a fragile thing. And so is love. When you love someone as much as we all love Sam, and your only option left for them is to hope, the only thing you can do is hope. And when your hope is crushed, and your heart is broken, you start to feel like everything you've been fighting for, everything you've been hoping for is all going down the drain and there's nothing you can do about it.
Third Person POV
Freddie tried to stay strong, while he was in there listening to her heartbeat earlier, he tried his hardest to be strong for Carly and Pam and everyone else. When he heard her heart stop, every piece of strength he was holding, crumbled.
He was almost as broken as Sam.
Sometimes, in order to understand someone's actions or someone's words or someone's life, you have to take a step in their shoes and look at things from their perspective. Freddie never realized how much pain Sam was in. He never understood her dislike of her body. How could someone so beautiful make herself feel so ugly?
Was she grieving? Was she insane?
He couldn't even imagine what she had to go through to choose the path that could only lead to self destruction.
It was just so unlike her. She shouldn't be here. She should be asleep on Carly's couch with a chicken leg hanging out of her mouth. This isn't Sam. Sam is the queen of eating, so how could she just stop? How could she turn into someone so unlike herself? Grieving can do some pretty crazy things to you. Losing someone you love can change you, for the better, or for the worse.
That's what Freddie did when he was sad. He tried to distract himself by making sense of things in his head. Mind games and problem solving would distract his brain and help him forget about why he's sad.
But he didn't want to forget her. He wanted to hold her memory in him, from a time when she was happier, carefree. When death and drama hadn't changed her so much. He wanted to memorize her scent, which varied sometimes but usually had a hidden scent of ham. He wanted to see her blue eyes sparkle and dance. Feel her plump, slightly chapped, but soft lips on his. He wanted to savor every memory of her. Maybe if he remembered everything...
His heart ached with raw pain and his brain was spinning from the emotion he'd let out. His butt hurt from the uncomfortable hospital chair and his ears were wary of the sobbing noises and chattering in the background.
Just when he was about to go crazy, the doctor appeared.
"Are you the friends and family of Samantha Puckett?" He asked, looking at their small, depressed group. They nodded their heads and stared at the doctor.
"I'm Doctor Grey." He started and then flipped to a page on his clipboard, "She's back," It's funny how those two words planted seeds of hope in all of their hearts, "It was a miracle actually. She was dead, technically, for about a minute, and then her heartbeat started up again and... she's awake," He smiled at the group, "She's requesting you all."
"Oh my goodness!" Ms. Puckett exclaimed, wiping the tears from her face and jumping up. "Let's go," She urged. Carly, always polite, thanked the doctor and then hurried to follow Pam. Everyone else walked back to the room, but with new found hope.
Freddie POV
When we walked in, it was like the broken pieces of my heart, were suddenly warming, and moving, trying to fit themselves back together. I didn't know how long that would take. What if she turns me down? If that happens, I don't know if the pieces will ever heal if that happens.
All I know, is I'm going to bask in this moment. I'm going to let the comforting fact that she's alive, sink into my brain. Maybe she idn't better, maybe she isn't completely healthy again; But I'm going to help her. Even if she doesn't want me to. One step at a time.
Once we were all on her side of the curtain, she glanced in our direction. Her head was laid back but she tried to give us a weak smile. Her mother rushed over to Sam and hugged her, trying not to hurt her. Carly rushed over to the other side and took Sam's hand and they shared a smile before Sam turned back to her mom- who was babbling apologies 'Baby I am so sorry' 'I can't believe how I treated you' 'I've been such a horrible mother' 'Are you okay?' her words were coming fast, so fast Sam didn't have a chance to reply.
Spencer and I stood back from the bed a little bit, letting the ladies have their time, being gentlemen.
After a few minutes of Pam's babbling Sam finally interrupted her.
"Mom, MOM." She said a little bit louder. Her voice still sounded weak, "It's fine. I'm fine. I forgive you. Just stop talking!" She demanded and smiled around the room, her mom, Carly, Spencer, and then me.
Her eyes rested on me for a moment and I saw a flicker of something in her eyes that I couldn't name. It seemed like a cross between guilt and embarrasment. I felt my expression morph into confusion but before I could say anything she turned back to her mom and Carly, who were talking to her.
I felt a hand pat my back and I looked at Spencer, he smiled at me and held his fist out and I smiled back and pounded my fist against his.
It would be a while until Sam would be the same Sam she was, but I was fine with that. Because as I watched her talk animatedly with Carly and Pam, putting as mich movement in as she could, I could see the sparkle in her eyes.
The sparkle I hadn't seen in months.
The sparkle I thought I'd never see again.
She's back.
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Two Days Later – Freddie POV
It's been a couple days since Sam... woke up? Came back? Anyway, they're going to keep her here for a week or two because she's still healing from medical diseases and they're trying to deal with her eating disorder. They're force feeding her. The first few times, her body didn't react well and she threw it all up. That's normal though, the doctor says. The absense of food for so long can do that.
Over the past two days, Carly and Pam finally shut up and I got some time to talk to her, of course we weren't alone because Carly and Pam were just sitting in hospital chairs watching spongebob on the overhead TV. But it was still nice. I asked her how she was feeling frequently and I knew she was getting annoyed by it but I just had to make sure.
I want to tell her how I feel. Soon. I want her to leave this hospital, safe in my arms, knowing she can stay there for as long as she'd like. But it won't be like that. Because, thin or not, she's still Sam Puckett. She doesn't do sappy, romance movie stuff like that. For some reason, that made me want her evern more. I love her just the way she is. I wouldn't change her.
The bear I got from Maya and Heidi, still sat in my car, I didn't want to put it in her room because I wasn't quite ready to give it to her yet. I wanted to wait until I could be alone with her, and I wanted to admit my feelings.
That was hard to do, kids at school had learned of her heart attack, not of her disorder (we had all been ordered and threatned not to tell a soul) and were visiting her all day. Wendy came by multiple times during the day, very concerned about Sam. Wendy is always nice like that. Sure, she has a Sam side, where she and Sam throw stuff at people and pull multiple pranks, but she also has a Carly side; soft and girly, sweet and thoughtful. She's even been on iCarly a few times, she always fit right in, laughing and joking along with Carly and Sam and even helped us with iCarly ideas multiple times.
Wendy is a good friend. Like Gibby. He also spent large amounts of time here, always showing up with something positive to say and something funny to make Sam laugh and make her forget that he's visiting her in a hospital.
She wants to go home. Actually she wants to 'get the hell out of here'. She says it's too depressing and too boring. The doctor's won't let her walk because she's so small and they're still trying to discover and cure health problems.
Carly and I got special permission to stay with her, Carly slept on the pull out and I spent each night on the uncomfortable hospital chairs. My back is killing me because of them but I don't want to leave Sam.
I'm so afraid that what happened could happen again. I'm terrified. I just... I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of pain again. It's like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and I can't breathe. A suffocating feeling.
She just... she can't go. I'd miss her too much. My heart would ache too much and my life would be too empty; too quiet, too boring, too... un-Sam-ish. She's apart of me now, she has her own part of my heart and if she were too leave she'd be taking part of me with her.
I'm breaking all of the rules. The rules of Sam. Like 'Don't become too attatched'. Sam is independent. If she wants to leave, she'll leave. If she doesn't want you around, she won't be around you. Everyone knows that Sam, she could disappear whenever she wants. And if you become attatched, it'll hurt too bad.
It was hard though, not becoming attatched to her. She was an unforgettable person. Undescribable. Unbelieveable. And Unattained.
But Sam wasn't like the other girls. There was something about her- the way she can read me like an open book; or how she can make me feel this feelings... this undescribable, unimaginable feelings; or maybe it's how she has a 'no shit' policy. She was frank, right to the point. If she didn't like you, you knew as soon as you met her. She doesn't take any one's crap. But she plays games.
She enjoys playing games. Like the game between the two of us. The game that wouldn't end, no matter what. She enjoyed it too much, and I knew it. Because I enjoy it too.
That was the thing about her though, she played so many games. She had a permanent poker face. She didn't show feeling.
She'd shown feeling for me.
She'd cried in my arms. She'd slept in the same bed as me. Shared a secret with me that she couldn't even tell Carly.
She'd trusted me.
I don't know if any of these still count. I don't know if she'll do like she usually does, pretend it never happened and beat me if I ever mentioned it (kind of like she did with the kiss). She was too defensive. She built these walls up around her heart. It was like these walls had windows and a door. She had allowed Carly to stand just inside, near the wall; and me to stand in the doorway, but she didn't let me go past that. She didn't trust, and she tried so hard not to feel.
I wanted to be the one who was allowed to walk through the door. All the way inside. I wanted to be the one to teach her how to love. I wanted to protect her and love her and want her for the rest of our lives.
But I guess I'm too young for that.
I shouldn't be feeling like this. These emotions are wrong. They'd creep normal people out. They'll say it's just infactuation or just a crush.
But they don't know. There were plenty of times Sam and I had hung out without Carly. Hell, she's been living with me for the past month. They don't know how it feels when Sam gets cold at night and rubs her feet against me leg. They don't know what it's like to wake up to her golden locks and head thrown across my chest. They never witnessed the times when my mom wasn't home and Sam would get bored and turn my radio on. They never saw her thrashing her body around and swinging her blonde curls in the air as she danced happily to whatever came on. They've never felt her hand wrap around mine as she pulls me up to dance along with her. Or the completely at ease and happiness feeling when we fall onto my bed, laughing and tickling each other.
They don't know how it feels to look back over memories like this and realize, that you are absolutely in love with that person.
Now maybe I'm still 'too young', but the way I see it, 'puppy love' and 'infatuation', have nothing on that feeling.
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Two days Later – Freddie POV
I have had no success in trying to tell Sam how I feel. Everyone has always been interrupting. It's starting to get really annoying. By the late afternoon I was really frustrated. Everyone was giving me weird looks, probably because of my huffing and sighing and mumbling.
Carly, Gibby, Wendy, and I sat in chairs by Sam's bed. They had all been talking about something that I wasn't paying attention to. I was trying not to glance at Sam every two minutes but wasn't having very much success.
I could feel Carly glancing at me every once in a while with a confused look.
Carly stood up. Sam and I looked at her, Carly looked at me with a suspicious look. She pushed her chair back and walked over to the side I was standing on. Oh crap.
"Freddie can I talk to you for a minute? Outside?" She asked sweetly. She started walking without looking back, knowing I would follow. Gibby and Wendy both had their eyebrows raised and they looked at me suriously. I smiled at them and then followed Carly to the other side of the curtain.
"Okay what's your deal?" Carly blurted as soon as the curtain fell closed. She crossed her arms and gave me her most intense stare.
Holy chizz.
"I... I don't know what you're talking about."
"Really Freddie? You don't? Because you've been acting awfully strange lately. Muttering to yourself and grumbling, sighing all the time. You're acting like you lost some kind of fight."
I took a deep breath, but before I could speak she spoke again.
"And what's up with the way you're acting around Sam? And why are you always looking at her wih that... weird look?... and..." Her expression became very concentrated. I opened my mouth to speak again but she held up a finger, and then placed that finger on her chin, looking around as if the answers to all of her questions were floating around in the air.
Suddenly, she jumped and smiled at me, but a look of nervousness and self doubt wiped that smile right off of her face.
"Do you...?" She started but trailed off, shaking her head. She began to pace, she walked back in forth in front of me.
"You don't...?" She tried again but got a frustrated look.
"Carly, spit it out." I said, sticking my hands in my pockets. Busted.
She stopped pacing and looked at me.
"Do you like Sam?" She quickly looked away from my eyes and suddenly became very interested in her shoes.
Seceret's out.
I waited for her to look at me and then nodded, "Yeah I do. A lot."
She smiled really wide and jumped again. She slapped me on the shoulder.
"Oh my gosh! You like Sam!" She exclaimed.
I laughed, "I have for a while actually. I just never realized it until I almost lost her." My smile wavered.
"Aaawww," Carly got this goofy look on her face and put her hands together over her heart. I rolled my eyes.
"Wait," Carly said after a moment, her smile dropping and her face taking on an expression I'd never seen on her. Was it... regret? Jealousy? Curiosity? Or a mix of the three? "What about me? I thought you liked me..." She glanced away from me for a moment before looking back at me and searching my eyes.
Two years ago, when we were fifteen, I would deny every feeling I had for Sam and jump at the opportunity to ask Carly out right now.
My heart would flutter at her expression and I'd take it all back, and propose my love for her, again.
But this isn't two years ago. Somewhere along, in these two years, my feelings for Carly have subsided. I've grown up a lot, I've learned what qualities I like in a girl and I've learned how it feels to truly care about someone and to almost lose someone. Somewhere in these realizations... I lost Carly. I lost the feelings I had for her. Now she's more like a sister to me.
"That's the thing." I started, "I liked you. Liked being the keyword. No offense or anything. It's just... she's Sam. And I know one of the big rules about her is to not grow too attatched and don't fall for her and all but... I couldn't help it. Believe me, I was shocked. I still am. But now that I look back at all that she and I have gone through and all of the feelings I feel around her, I don't know how I missed it. The obvious spark between us. I think she feels it too but she's... stubborn." I sigh, "I... I love her."
Carly gasps, and I feel like I'm about to get hit. It's the intensity in the air, weighing down on me, somehow signaling me that something big (and something possibly painful) is coming up. I take a step back but she doesn't move. She just stares at me with a shocked look on her face.
After a few minutes of awkward silence, I finally hear her speak in a voice barely above a whisper. "I shouldn't be surprised." And then she breaks into a smile. She laughs softly. "We all knew it would happen..." She trails off.
Wait, what?
"What do you mean you all knew it would happen? Who is all?"
Carly blushed, "Everyone,"
"EVERYONE! I didn't even know and 'everyone' has known for.. how long?"
"For... ever. Ever since you two met and started torturing each other. It was inevitable."
"Inevitable?" I feel the anger sinking out of me and it's replaced with shocked realization. How does everyone else know how I felt before I did? How did they...
I'm so confused.
"Oh shut up. Just get in there and tell her how you feel!" Carly exclaimed, excited again. Typical Carly. Anxious to help, even when it's none of her business. Matchmaker Carly, and thanks to my big mouth, Sam and I are her next project.
She pushed me back through the curtain. As we walked through, Sam looked at us curiously, and once again, as it had happened many times this week, her eyes met mine and neither of us could bring ourselves to look away.
I was snapped out of my reverie by Carly, who kicked me, laughed, and then walked back over to the bed, where Gibby and Wendy were. I walked over too and sat in my original seat, across from Carly. She gave me a look that said It's time.
I replied with a look that said Not in front of everyone. She'll kill me.
"Hey Gibby, Wendy, wanna go with me to get some lunch?" Carly asked sweetly.
"Lunch? Lunch! Sam that reminds me... the other day Wendy and I were..." Gibby continued on as Wendy smiled and threw in random words and sentences of the story. At one point they got into an argument over who had dropped the milk and I took the chance. Maybe I could get her to let me talk to her and make them go away.
"Sam can I..." She looked at me as I spoke but I was interrupted by Wendy and Gibby, who had solved the argument and were now launching back into the story.
I shot Carly a desperate look and she gave me a sympathetic look. Basically, I'm on my own.
"Sam..." I tried again, but once again, they continued talking. Suddenly, Gibby stood and pulled his shirt off, he threw it at Wendy and said,
"No, Jake was talking to me!"
Wendy threw the shirt off of her and tossed it onto the floor with a disgusted face. "So Jake was telling you you had pretty eyes?" She crossed her arms.
"Sa-"
"Duh!"
That's it. I can't... I have to...
This is crazy. Is it this hard to tell people how you feel? Ugh.
As Gibby and Wendy's voices continued on, and Sam and Carly's voices added to them, my frustration grew to a highly dangerous level.
I knew Sam would kill me for this. Maybe that was why I was doing it. Maybe I wanted to prove to her that I was brave, that I would stand against her. Or that I wasn't afraid to speak my mind.
Whatever the reason, It didn't stop me from my next outburst. I yelled so loud people could probably hear me in the other rooms, but I didn't care, I only needed one blonde headed demon to hear me, "SAM PUCKETT," She looked at me, her eyes widened in shock, "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU."
Eight reviews please. Sorry if it's a little OOC, it had to be done. Make a great day. - Ariel.