((The chapter heading is from the song Beatus by Serj Tankian.

I just noticed that I never named the ship that picked up Kirk and the rest on Dainam so I did that now. And I wasn't at all thinking of Torchwood. *cough*))

Chapter 13

Strangling Myself in My Silence

At first, Leonard had thought that Sinek had died of stress like the patients before him. With the result of the autopsy, he started to feel some hope. There were no signs of stress at all. Sinek had followed Leonard's protocol how the process should be done to the letter, foregoing only the sedative before treatment because he was not initially ill and frightened. He took the compound that consisted of the treatment and a milder tranquilliser. It was the former that had killed him. His brain had responded perfectly, creating receptors that were very simply too many for over-active Vulcan blood chemistry.

The conclusion was that the treatment and tranquilliser worked together well and that there was an excellent chance Leonard could apply it to Spock. He had run separate tests to find if there was any interference of his hybrid genetic code to be expected, but the risk of severe complications because of it was negligible. All they needed was Spock.

Leonard wasn't fool enough to run off into a cave system full of half-mad Vulcans on his own. He would take three security men and this time he was prepared to stun his way to Spock if he had to. Taking someone else to test on them first wasn't an option. He needed to sort his friend out, and the less time had passed the better.

When Leonard's communicator beeped, he jumped. 'I'm on leave,' he said pointlessly before answering.

'Sorry to disturb you, Doctor, but I cannot seem to reach the Captain. Admiral Ndaga asked me to take a message to him.'

'Can you give me the message?' Jim had been swallowed by the ground. There were people looking for him, but so far they had no success, even after they had looked into every nook and cranny of the VSA and its immediate vicinity. Leonard was worried sick, but there was little he could do. The only good thing was that Charika had vanished with him, so whatever it was he was doing, he wasn't all by himself. At this moment, no-one needed to know that Jim had decided to run off without his communicator. He was on leave, after all.

'I have no instruction to the contrary,' Zh'Rane said. 'He found that the Vulcan Tilak that arrived at the USS Ianto before it went into orbit around Dainam was not … well, Tilak. The person who did arrive certainly looked very much like him, but there are differences between the pictures taken for his file on the Morales later and those that existed before his departure. Where Tilak was replaced and how he doesn't know, but apparently the Ianto and then the Morales had an impostor.'

'Thank you, Zh'Rane. Confirms our suspicion nicely. Any idea who he is?'

'The Admiral has managed to communicate with someone of the Romulan Star Empire. It seems they are missing a criminal, and his profile picture looks a lot like our Tilak. He is wanted for some sort of organised crime it seems. I'll send you the report, if that's all right.'

'You do that.'

'Sir … can I ask a question?' Despite himself, Leonard smiled.

'No, you can't talk to Charika. I don't know where he is right now, but when I see him I'll tell him you called.' He could almost hear her blush – as far as that was visible in an Andorian.

'Thank you. Covenant out.' Leonard closed his communicator and sighed.

'Woe betide you when I find you, Jim,' he said. At least it was simple: He had to find Spock and heal him. Then Spock could use the bond as a homing device and find Jim. Piece of cake, really.

Ϡ

'James?' Charika's voice was tentative.

'I'm awake,' Jim had had the presence of mind to take equipment for a night in the desert, and he had advised to sleep outside. There was a slight chance that Tilak returned at one point, and he didn't want to be caught asleep. They had retreated to the edge of the water and found a place behind the lush growth – by Vulcan standards – that would hide them at night.

'What do we do now? I mean … how do we look for him?' Jim sighed.

'We go through the house. I doubt we'll find anything, but it's worth a try. Then we'll see if he left a trace of some sort. Perhaps he dragged something behind him.'

'How far could he have gone?'

'Depends if he walked or if he had a desert flier. On foot, he wouldn't have gone far. There's not much else in this direction. Any major settlements are the other way from the VSA. But of course, he could have gone there just as easily.'

'Can't we ask the Covenant to look for him?'

'Of course we can. But I want to catch him myself and with his pants down.' Charika snorted.

'Sounds practical. For us.' A slight reddish tint was touching the horizon, announcing the approaching dawn. A strange sound filled the air, coming from far away. It was like nothing Jim had heard in his life. 'What is that?' Charika sounded stricken. Jim shook his head.

'I haven't the faintest idea.' He got to his feet and started to look around. And then he saw them. 'Look. Over there.' Charika scrambled to a kneeling position, apparently so caught up he forgot to rise, and stared.

Birds. Large birds, more beautiful than anything Jim could have conjured up in a dream, flew in formation perhaps five hours from their position. They were huge and brilliantly white – so much so they seemed to emanate light rather than reflect it. And they sang, loud and clear and more melodious than the most gifted blackbird or even a nightingale. Without an apparent cause, one of the birds fell out of the sky and the rest of them scattered, suddenly silent. 'Well, there's someone there, and I don't think they're Vulcan,' Jim said drily.

'Doesn't look like it. Do we go there?' Jim considered for a moment.

'Eventually. I'd rather take a look at the house first. But we know in which direction to go. Come on.'

Inside they found a PADD with notes about the success of an operation. It mentioned an unforeseeable reaction and in the end the idea to implement that slight difference in the plans. It also included a map where two cave systems were marked. Perhaps Tilak only knew his victims were in a cave but not in which of the two, but somehow Jim doubted that this was the reason. One was likely the one he had visited, given its relative position on the map. The other lay in the direction they had just seen the birds.

They also found a phaser. Jim didn't dare to assume that Tilak was unarmed, but at least he had one weapon less.

Judging from the things that had been left behind, Jim also concluded that Tilak was, indeed, alone. So they had an advantage on him in that at least. 'When we find him,' he said at last, 'I want to take him alive. I don't want him to have the honour of dying in battle. He'll be tossed into a cell by the Federation and rot there until he dies.'

'Why would he want to be killed?' Jim shook his head.

'He's Romulan. He'll try to provoke us. And I know it'll be hard for me not to pull that trigger if he knows about Spock and spews filth about him.'

'Can he know?' Jim hoisted his equipment onto his shoulders.

'I think so. He must have someone he's in contact with at the VSA.'

'But then he must know where his victims are. He can't be uncertain.' Jim nodded slowly.

'Yes. You're right. I've been wondering. Shelter? He may be expecting us. By now our absence will have been noted. And Terik might have warned him.'

'Then he could move further away. Or deep into the cavern.'

'If that image is accurate, the cavern isn't deep. I suppose he didn't mean to leave the PADD behind. He also left a phaser. I guess he made a hasty retreat.' He shrugged. 'If we don't find him we'll go back to the VSA and have the Covenant look for a Romulan. That'll be a bit difficult, but not impossible.'

'James … how is Spock? Can you tell?' Jim pursed his lips.

'He's alive. But I have to shield again. He's … not well and getting worse.'

'What happens if he dies?' Jim swallowed. He really didn't want to think about it, let alone discuss it. He still answered.

'Then I might be affected even with a shield. But I'm … I can't just drop dead when … if he dies.'

'You'll protect yourself then?'

'Yes. I'll … somehow I'll survive it. I won't be a happy man, but I'll live. Isn't that great?'

Ϡ

Leonard was at the head of the team that stormed the caves. He had armed himself and the moment it was clear that they weren't allowed access, he had stunned the three sentinels without remorse. Not caring about his own safety, he had barged forwards, anger and fear for his friend fuelling him. Spock was no longer in the room Jim had described, so on they went, looking from one corridor to the next until at last they found him crouched into a corner, looking from one to the other like a trapped animal. 'Spock,' he said gently. 'Do you know me?' Spock tensed against the wall, back, arms, and palms pressed against the rock.

'Go away!' Leonard shook his head.

'You're breaking Jim, Spock. Come with us. Let us help you and him.' Spock seemed to want to become one with the wall behind him.

'No.' Leonard's patience was wearing thin, but he wanted to avoid taking him by force if he could.

'Spock … I've never harmed you in my life, and deep down you still know that. You're sick, and finally, I can cure you. Fight. Fight this!' For an instant something flickered in the haunted eyes, but the moment passed and Spock decided to take the bull by the horns, it seemed. He flew from the wall like a coil spring, crashing into Leonard. Spock's head crashed right into his solar plexus and Leonard landed on his back. He wanted to shout not to hurt Spock, but he couldn't even breathe, let alone speak. He saw the stun beam and relief flooded him even as panic and reason struggled within him. A few moments … just a few moments and he would be fine. Rationality won out over terror and Leonard struggled to a crouch, eyes screwed shut. He felt the locked muscle inside him give a little and he breathed, grateful for the simple fact that he could do so.

'Doctor!' He waved the guard away.

'I'm fine,' he croaked. 'Diaphragm spasm. Happens. I'm good.' His breathing was still slightly laboured, but that wasn't important. Standing seemed a bad idea for the moment, so he covered the half metre between him and Spock on his knees and took his pulse. Another wave of relief flooded him at the insanely fast Vulcan pulse that seemed just right. 'Take him. Careful. Don't hurt him.' Steeling himself, Leonard got to his feet. He noted that while he still ached he'd been much worse in his life. He couldn't even get himself to be angry at Spock. All he wanted was to see the poor man be himself again.

Ϡ

Leonard was staring at the monitor with growing concern. He felt a hand on his shoulder and covered it with his own. 'I had the impression you need me here,' T'Kray said softly, and he nodded.

'He should have come round by now,' he replied. 'I don't dare give him the sedative before he wakes up, and I don't dare wake him with another chemical because I don't know how that would interfere. And his vital signs aren't good. He's going to die on us if he doesn't wake soon. I honestly don't know what to do.'

'T'Lin is dead.' Leonard closed his eyes and tried not to weep. It was a mark of how sleep-deprived he really was that he hardly succeeded. Gentle fingers threaded into his hair. 'I'm sorry Len. You couldn't have forced her to live without a struggle, and if you had, it wouldn't have been a favour.'

'No-one should have to go through this.' With a sigh, T'Kray crouched beside him.

'Well, she didn't. She chose not to experience the pain. For her, it was the easier way.' Leonard shook his head.

'I don't know. I understand her to a degree, and at the same time I feel like a traitor because I don't know … I don't know if I'd do the same.' T'Kray's warm smile startled him. It seemed out of place in his despair.

'You're human. And so is Jim. There are no other beings in this universe with such a sheer will to live no matter what. You'll always fight death to the bitter end and often defy it. You laugh in its face and manage to live despite the worst odds.'

'You make it sound like that's always a good thing.'

'I'm not sure if dying is the right choice, Len. When I lost my first bondmate in the crash on Dainam, I was forced to live, you could say. And I hated them for it, at first. I don't now, as you can imagine.' Finally, Leonard managed to smile back, and it was genuine. 'I love you more than anyone in my life. You know that. But I, too, have no wish to die. I do not know if I would choose to do so if I lost you. Perhaps. Perhaps not.'

'Don't.'

'Well, you wouldn't be there to stop me.' He glared at her, but he knew there was no conviction in it. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Spock stir.

'Hey, Spock. You're at the VSA. You're safe, as far as that's possible.' The dark eyes of his friend were wide and scared. 'You'll be calmer in a moment.' The Vulcan started to struggle against the restraints, and Leonard applied the sedative. 'Rest, Spock. When you wake up, all will be well.' Gradually, the fear left Spock's face and his struggling ceased. Still he kept looking at Leonard. It would be a few minutes before he slept. The effects of the drug prevented it.

'How long before I sleep, Leonard?' Spock's voice was very low.

'I'd think three minutes,' he responded.

'Odds of survival?' Leonard shook his head.

'I have no idea. Do you … do you want me to try or do you refuse treatment?' Spock's eyes crinkled ever so slightly.

'I want to live, Leonard. I have to.' He swallowed. 'I believed I would have more time in the desert.'

'I think your strong hold on yourself before you went caused the effect to be stronger when you let go,' T'Kray said. 'Your defence against the force of the disease caused it to become more violent even when you give in voluntarily. We did not foresee this.'

'You could not.' Even in what might be his last lucid moments, Spock offered absolution. Leonard swore that he'd never yell at him again in his life and knew he'd never keep that promise.

'Go to sleep,' he said mildly.

'I need to say farewell to Jim. In case I do not wake up.' Leonard nodded. His hand closed into a fist, nails digging into his palm so hard it hurt. Spock's eyes closed, even the simple act of communicating through the bond apparently almost too much. After perhaps half a minute his features relaxed and his head turned slightly to his side. The monitor showed that he was sleeping.

Leonard had very rarely been so afraid of what he had to do. His hands were steady when he injected the compound. The increasing heart-rate nearly made him bolt, but at the same time he was paralysed. The readings climbed much more slowly than in the previous tests, but still they did, refusing to stop. Leonard tore his eyes from them and stared at Spock's face again, praying silently but with fervour. For Spock and Jim and for the time they deserved so much but might not have.