Don't own Harry Potter.
Chapter 4- The past never leaves us
It was almost time for the full moon again, and normally at this time of month Lupin felt at his lowest, but today was an exception. Harry had to go to work and Tonks had gone with Harry to see about getting her old job as an Auror back. Ginny had Quidditch practice. That meant that Remus and Teddy were left in charge of looking after James, Al, and Lilly. Even though Teddy was only twelve, he had a remarkable way of getting the younger children to listen to him and behave while never raising his voice, and Remus couldn't help but be strongly reminded of himself as a teacher. It seemed as time went on Remus could see more and more of himself in Teddy. The calmness under pressure, the slight shyness, the level headed thinking, the gift with children, the desire to make friends. But he had his mother's gift of humor, kindness, and gentle insistence that Remus not push others away when he needed help. Teddy also took after his mother in his strong will, not to mention his being a metamorphagus. Best of all, ever since Teddy had kept him company during his last transformation, the family was becoming close at last.
After spending the day playing games outside, the children finally seemed to have worn off their extra energy. Lily came up to Remus as he sat under a tree watching them.
"Tell us a story Uncle Remus?"
It had been a happy surprise how quickly the children had all come to adore Remus and Tonks, and Remus was glad to oblige.
"Sure. What story would you like to hear?"
"Little Red Riding Hood."
Remus paled. Lilly must have heard that story when visiting some Muggle friends. He wished he didn't have to tell a "big bad wolf" story. Thankfully, Teddy came to his rescue, understanding how his dad would feel about that particular story.
"Now Lily, you know you usually get to choose what everyone hears at story time, so how about letting James or Al have a turn?"
Remus smiled gratefully at his son.
"How about something from The Tales of Beedle the Bard?" Al suggested.
Lily shrugged. "OK. I haven't heard those stories in awhile anyway."
Remus and Teddy fell into a rhythm of telling some of the children's favorite stories. Teddy being a metamorphagus, he was able to help by taking on the looks of certain characters at different points while his father read, which everyone seemed to enjoy. Remus soon realized he needed that extra help, since James seemed to be always trying to pull some prank to distract the others whenever he lost interest. "A Marauder in the making," Remus thought to himself.
Remus had just closed the book when Harry and Tonks appeared in the garden, followed a moment later by Ginny.
"How'd practice go Mom?" James asked.
"Well enough, but right now we have some news a lot more interesting than that." Harry and Tonks both looked as like the kneazle who swallowed the snidget.
"It must be great news from the looks on your faces. What's happened? Did Dora get her job back?" Remus asked.
"Yes, but better than that even," Ginny said. "Tell them Harry."
"Well, it's taken long enough, but Shaklebolt's finally got enough support to abolish the anti werewolf legislation."
"However did he do that?" Remus asked. The news was almost too good to be true.
"Well, most of the people who supported it in the first place were tried as Death Eaters and are in Azkaban now. Plus Shaklebolt's always been popular," Harry said.
Remus was afraid to be too optimistic, but he did smile. Harry had noticed shortly after meeting Remus that he always seemed to smile, even when times were bad.
"Maybe you could become a teacher again dad," Teddy said, and Remus twitched a little.
"That would be wonderful son, but there are, er, certain problems with that. I know you know what I mean."
"What's wrong Uncle Remus? You're great with kids," Lilly said. Remus' smile widened at the innocence of children.
"I'm afraid most parents wouldn't want, well- someone like me-near their children."
"That's the second part of the good news," Tonks said. "Harry's done some asking and if he can get five hundred people to sign a petition, you can get your old Defense position back."
"I'm sure all the teachers will sign, especially Neville. He's never forgotten how you helped him build his confidence. Besides, even though the job isn't cursed anymore, the professor they have now isn't exactly the most competent. I'm sure they'd be glad to have you. Although of course to get the signatures we need we'll have to contact the parents, but a lot of them are students you taught."
"I certainly thank you Harry. I just hope you're not getting your hopes up for nothing." But Harry couldn't help noticing Remus' own face had a hopeful look.
Sometimes it seemed to Harry that he was never meant to have happiness. Just when things were going so well, several nights after the full moon, his sleep was troubled by the worst nightmare he'd had in a long time.
He was in a graveyard that reminded him of the one where Voldemort had returned in his fourth year. His parents, Cedric Diggory, Sirius, Dumbledore. Mad Eye, Dobby, Fred, Collin, and finally Remus, Tonks, and Teddy were tied to tombstone. Voldemort was taunting him.
"You Gryffindors pride yourself on bravery, isn't that true Potter? And yet you're willing to let all these people die for you?"
"No! Just let them go and you can do what you like with me."
"Oh, but you've let most of these people die for you already."
Voldemort aimed his wand at Harry's parents.
"Avada Kedavra!" They disappeared in a flash of green.
Harry tried to lift his wand to defend his remaining loved ones, but somehow he couldn't move. He was forced to watch, tears in his eyes.
"How about your annoying Hufflepuff friend next?" The killing curse was repeated, and Cedric was gone. The others were screaming for Harry to save them, but Harry remained frozen as one by one they were killed. Sirius was pushed through the veil, Mad Eye was hit by the killing curse, Dobby was stabbed with a silver knife, and then Dumbledore, Fred, and Colin were gone too.
"And we've saved the best for last. The werewolf and the blood traitor. You honestly thought you could have them alive?"
"Stop it! They have a son!"
"Oh, don't worry. He'll be joining them very soon. You should be very happy. You love playing the suffering hero and having all your friends sacrificing themselves. If not, why didn't you face me right away? All these people need not have died. There's no denying this is all your fault. And you even spared my servant Wormtail. If it weren't for that none of this would ever have happened. I really owe you my thanks Harry."
"That's not true." But the faces of those left alive were looking at him accusingly.
"It's not my fault!"
A voice from somewhere Harry couldn't identify said. "We know it isn't Harry. It's OK."
There was a flash of green light.
"No! Remus! Tonks! Teddy!" They couldn't be gone.
"Harry, it's all right. I'm here. We're fine. Wake up."
Harry felt firm but gentle hands on his shoulders, shaking him. He opened his eyes and could see it was still dark. It took a moment to register that Remus was setting on the edge of his bed.
"Lumos." The room lit from the light of Remus' wand. Harry could feel himself trembling yet from the terrible dream. Somehow Ginny was still asleep beside him. At least he hadn't woken her up. And his scar didn't hurt, so he knew it was only a bad dream, not like those times when Voldemort was trying to get into his head. Still, he had to take a moment to reassure himself there was no way the evil wizard could come back.
"That must have been some nightmare," Remus said gently.
Harry nodded.
"I saw everyone who died in the war alive again, tied to tombstones. He was killing the all off and saying it was my fault. That I'd let them die for me. And everyone looked like they thought he was right."
"I thought so from what you were saying in your sleep. You're not still blaming yourself for all those deaths are you?"
"I try not to, but if I hadn't made you and Sirius spare Wormtail, or if I'd have faced Voldemort right away that night…"
"Harry, listen to me. Everyone who died knew we were in a war and there was a chance they wouldn't make it out alive. There were willing to take that chance to defend the people they loved. They died because the most evil wizard who ever lived had to be stopped, not because you made mistakes. Dora and I were lucky enough to get a second chance, but if things hadn't turned out the way they did for us, we still would have had no regrets and in no way would we have ever blamed you."
"But if I'd hadn't made-"
"If you'd have made us spare Wormtail, it would still only have been a matter of time before one of Voldemort's other followers would have brought him back. Most of them never went to Azkaban, and sooner or latter they would have done what Wormtail did. And if you'd have faced him earlier that night it would have made no difference. In fact if you had, I have no doubts the outcome would have been worse yet. You would be gone and Voldemort would have survived to kill even more people. In the first war far more people died than in the second one, and the only reason more didn't die this time is because you were there to stop him. You haven't cost lives. You've saved them. And I never did learn what your mission from Dumbledore was, but I'm guessing it was something that allowed you to win in the end?"
Harry nodded. That was true. If he'd handed himself over when Voldemort had first asked, the other Horcruxes wouldn't have been destroyed yet, and the evil wizard would still have had pieces of his soul he could use to come back again. There would have been even more deaths. He looked at Remus, suddenly feeling his friend should know what the mission had been. He told him about the Horcruxes and when he'd finished, what Remus had just told him seemed to sink in.
"You see Harry?" Remus said as if concluding one of his lessons. "All that you and your friends did that year would have been for nothing if you'd faced Voldemort earlier. You have nothing to blame yourself for." For the first time, Harry finally felt that was true. Then a thought crossed his mind. There was one thing left that he could blame himself about after all.
"There is one more thing I've been feeling bad about though. Snape-."
"What about him? You know you couldn't have kept him from killing Dumbledore. You were frozen at the time."
"I know, but that's the problem. I couldn't have done any thing. Dumbledore was going to die soon anyway, and he ordered Snape to kill him to save Draco's soul. And we thought he was a traitor and I called him a coward. But he was actually very brave. He risked his life for years spying for the Order." Harry didn't add the rest of what he knew from the memories Snape had given him. He was sure the potions master would never have wanted that known.
Remus's own eyes looked sad. He of all people knew what it was like to feel pain from prejudice. "In that case Harry, everyone in the Order wronged him. You're not the first person to misjudge someone and you won't be the last. But we did the best we could with the knowledge we had. Severus would have understood that, and knew what we would think long before Dumbledore died. I never got to see Severus in those twelve missing years. He must have gone on. But I'm sure he knew the truth would be known eventually and that must've helped make up for it."
Harry felt the weight of that guilt lift. What Remus said made sense, and he was sure it was true.
"Thanks Remus. Sorry I woke you up. I probably seem like some little kid, having nightmares like that. You must be tired."
"That's all right. As I've told you before, having horrors like you do in your past doesn't make you weak. Anyone who's been through what you have is bound to have nightmares. I was having some trouble falling asleep anyway. You look like you could use some help getting back to sleep yourself."
Remus handed him a chocolate bar.
"I've found they work as well after nightmares as they do after Dementor attacks."
Harry remembered the first time he'd met Remus, and his friend had given him chocolate after the Dementors had attacked on the train. He hadn't thought it would work then and hadn't eaten it right away. Now he ate the chocolate eagerly, and felt the same warming and cheering effect he'd felt then.
"Well, I'd better let you get back to sleep. Nox."
The light from Remus' wand faded, but before he left Harry had one last thing to say.
"Remus?"
"Yes Harry?"
"I really hope you get your old job back. I've always thought you were meant to teach."
"I hope so too. But I was lucky to have such gifted pupils. They made me look good. Goodnight Harry."