Chapter 12

EPOV

Everytime I thought I had Bella pegged, she'd go and do something completely out of the blue. At this point, I decided that it was better not to have any expectations at all about her, because she so often threw me for a loop.

I sat in the passenger's seat and watched both the road and Bella, as we drove down the 104 at a pretty decent pace. Our impromptu road trip impressed the hell out of me, and I couldn't help but think about the possibilities. She so nonchalantly threw out that offer to stay overnight that I was momentarily speechless. Of course, separate rooms were a must, but I was definitely relieved to know that she wanted to spend this much time alone with me. Being the long-standing resident of the area, I felt it my duty to ensure the entertainment for the night would be a success.

I knew of a couple of decent restaurants, but I couldn't even guess at what she would want to do. She had mentioned steak and Chinese food, but would she want to go to a high-end place or would she rather just have take-out or go to some dive? She indicated that she wasn't a big fan of the club scene, but she did mention that she wanted to go out for some real beer. I fought the urge to pull out my Blackberry and google some shit, because I felt that spontaneity was the word of the day.

Bella got me to put in her new cd mix and we spent a couple of hours driving in a comfortable silence. Sort of. She sang along the whole time, and I loved every fucking minute of it. I'd sing along occasionally but I could tell how much she enjoyed singing and driving, so I let her at it alone. I was overwhelmed with the beauty of both her voice and her looks; she was beautiful, of course, but when she really let loose like this, it was all I could do to not do something stupid like ask her to marry me.

As I stole glances at her, while she was driving and belting them out, I couldn't help but remember my last conversation with Rosalie, of all people.

"Are you going to tell her?"

I didn't know how big of a deal she'd think it was, but I did have a confession of sorts to make to Bella. At some point this weekend I would tell her the truth about myself, and hope that it wouldn't much matter to her. I wasn't nervous or anything, just bloody curious to see her reaction.

I was going to tell her that I had never been in love before, and coming from a family that was coupled almost from the beginning of time, it was a pretty big deal to me. In fact, I figured that these examples of commitment is what held me back in certain ways. It wasn't like I hated women, was afraid of women, didn't know how to act around women. I never had any problems finding dates before, but I also didn't have a great track record in relationship longevity. Not one single relationship that I found myself in even came close to the kind of love that I saw around me.

At 25, this would not mean a thing.

At 35, it is worrisome, so I've been told.

I don't even want to guess what it would be like if I was still single when I hit my 40s.

So, yeah. Relationship noob status is usually a turn-off to women, because it generally implies a lack of emotional maturity, and other possible social defects. I sort of worried about it myself, truth be told. Living on my own for so many years, while showing both independence and self-sufficiency, also has made me a bit of a bastard. I can admit that many of my OCD tendencies might be a deal breaker for some, but I have yet to want to make a change in my daily habits just to please someone, until now.

I would stop lining up the hand towels until they were just so in the guest and master bathrooms, I would not cringe if Bella were to put a CD case in the wrong section and not in alphabetical order, and I certainly wouldn't give a shit if she just wanted to roll out of bed and start her day without making sure that the bedding would pass a military inspection.

I could go easy on her for not keeping up with the organisational process in the pantry, and I could give a flying fuck if she mixed the colours with the darks when we did laundry together. I'd put up with her processed food addiction and even eat that shit if it came down to it.

I would be honest with her at all times. I knew that she had a difficult time dealing with emotion but I could and would be that guy who was patient and understanding. I was willing to do anything for her, if she'd just let me be me with her as well.

"So, your sister told me something before she and Jasper left town this morning," Bella said, out of the blue.

"What did she say?" I enquired casually, trying to keep the suspicion out of my voice.

"She said that it's been some time since your last relationship. Very pointedly, I might add," Bella's expression was light.

I sighed in exasperation, "Yeah, it's been… awhile."

"How long is 'awhile'?"

"Feels like forever," I admitted, grudgingly.

Bella was quiet, and I figured it was now or never, "What about you? When was the last relationship you've had?"

She shrugged, "I've never actually been in a relationship. I've dated a bit, messed around some, but have never really settled down with just one person."

I was beyond surprised. She seemed like the kind of girl who was destined to be in a relationship with somebody at all times. Not that she was needy or clingy or dependent, but it was just unthinkable that she had remained single all this time. How could any person who had the chance to spend time with her, not want it all? If I had met her when I was a teenager, I'd still be longing for her to this day. Bella was a woman you'd want forever with.

I was fucking glad I hadn't met her when I was a teenager though. When I was young, I was a moody and possessive bastard. I needed to have everything done my way, and I knew that I wouldn't have had the emotional maturity to hang onto a girl like Bella. Her independence would have made me suspicious and made me feel unnecessary, and the way that she kept everything so bottled up would have driven me insane back then. I was an all or nothing kind of guy then, and I couldn't help but think how I would have fucked up any kind of relationship back then, which was primarily why I never got seriously involved with anyone.

Bella made it so easy for me to tell her exactly what I had been thinking, and she nodded in consideration as she drove.

"I just never met someone I wanted to trust," she admitted, "I was always quiet growing up. At first, it was because I wasn't as confident as some of the other girls in my school, but even later, once I knew what I wanted, and learned who I was as a person, I still found it difficult to relate well with people. I hung out with the wrong crowd at one time in my life, and it pretty much burned me. It kept me from wanting to put myself out there for quite some time."

"What happened?" I asked, concerned.

She shrugged, "You know what working in theatre can be like. Catty behaviour, backstabbing, and both professional and social climbing. I managed to stay out of most of that, but it was also an endless scene of drinking, drugs and random sex. The rumours were horrible, and I just didn't want to be a part of it. There were some companies that I worked for that were doing unique and challenging things, but I've also been involved with paint-by-numbers productions, or simple money grabs for unoriginal works."

She seemed hesitant to continue and I said, "Bella, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You can tell me absolutely anything and it goes no further than between you and me."

"Aside from a women's theatre company that I do work for periodically, I simply walked away from it all. I keep in touch with my buddy Marcus who used to help me out with bookings, grants, and minor admin stuff. There's a photographer and web designer that I love hanging out with, but every single person I left behind knows exactly why I left. They support my decisions, and I still keep in touch with them on Facebook or Twitter. Besides, it's not like I'm never going back. I'm not sure if I am going back for Thanksgiving or not, but I definitely will for Christmas. I'll see them all then," she told me.

"You have both a Facebook and a Twitter account?" I asked, surprised.

She laughed, "Yeah, but I'm mostly addicted to Tumblr and Youtube. Myspace sucks."

Once again, my mind whirled, thinking about what kind of things she posted, what her friends looked like, what her statuses read on a daily basis.

"My username for them all is Cygnet, which, while not very original, does keep the creepers away," she offered simply, as if she could read my mind, "My Facebook is just bellaswan, all one word."

"My Facebook is EdwardAMC and my Tumblr, Twitter and Youtube accounts are 'vanquish'," I told her.

"God, we're geeks," she grinned.

"You don't know the half of it," I told her, not mentioning any of my gaming logons, or personal blogsites.

She nodded in agreement, and I wondered if she had a list of other online activities that she indulged in.

As we drove down the highway, I knew that years ago, I would have done anything to find out every bit of information about her, but now, with a bit of age and perspective, I enjoyed every moment that she revealed herself to me. Even if it was at a slow and steady rate.